All-Star Criminals

Drunk Pantless Driver Arrested By Leicester Police Is LOL

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I spit out my coffee when I saw this headline in the Telegram today: “Leicester Police say driver had no pants and too much too drink.” Obviously this was a must read story:

A Leicester police officer stopped a driver on Stafford Street for marked lanes violations, and ended up arresting the pantsless motorist on a charge of drunken driving, according to a news release over the weekend.

After he approached the vehicle, the officer smelled alcohol and air freshener emitting from within — the latter presumably to mask the alcohol odor.

As the driver — who was not publicly identified — reached for his license and registration, the officer noticed the man was not wearing pants, only boxer shorts. When the officer questioned him, the man responded, “Really, I am freaked out because a girl spilled a drink on me,” according to the news release.

Noting the man’s bloodshot eyes and slurred speech, the officer asked the man to step out of his vehicle so he could administer field sobriety tests. The driver, now back in his pants, failed. According to police, a breath test showed a blood-alcohol level of 0.16 — twice the legal limit.

drunk driving memes

Fantastic. I love how this guy was two times the legal limit, but the big story here is that he wasn’t wearing pants. Hilarious. A non-identified pantsless dude from the burbs huh? There is probably a 56% chance I know this person. I’m glad I read this though, because I had no idea it was illegal to drive around in you boxer shorts. If I had a dollar every time I needed something at the White Hen Pantry at 1:00 in the morning and didn’t feel like putting pants on I’d be rich. I’m just happy I didn’t ask that question on the Leicester Police Department’s Facebook Page, because apparently some people don’t like to read.

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+1 to whoever the patient guy or gal running that Facebook account is. Hey geniuses, the answer to your question is the same as it was the last time someone asked that exact same question. Control-c, control-v. SMH.

Look, we’ve all been there before. Sometimes you run afoul of a woman and inadvertently bring out their inner Carrie Underwood. So she throws her drink all over your pants. It happens. You were planning on sobering up a bit before heading home, but what the hell are you supposed to do now? Stand there in pantsless humiliation? Wait it out pantsless in your freezing car? Nope. Just gotta take your chances and drive up Stafford Street in a straight line. Clearly this is easier said than done.

If I could give this guy one piece of advice it would be to call up Tony Salerno or Mike Erlich. I’m pretty sure they can beat this one. I mean, the whole field sobriety test seems pretty tainted to me. The guy had to put his pants back on and walk in a straight line right? How is he supposed to do that with wet pants on? He already said he’s really freaked out, and how his junk is covered with cold wetness. You can’t expect a man to perform in a situation like that.

Feel free to share your legal expertise in the comments.

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2 Comment(s)
  • Finnish Goalie
    January 6, 2015 at 3:04 pm

    Yes, put those advertising dollars to work, TB.

  • Wabbitt
    January 6, 2015 at 1:05 am

    But he was wearing boxers.

    So he DID have something on. He wasn’t driving around swinging lumber, waving his how-do-you-do at passing truckers. For all the cop could have known the guy was just wearing really fucking ugly regular shorts (depending on the design of the offending boxers).

    Which means the story is just that a Leicester cop pulled over a drunk driver on Dead Horse Hill. Not exactly a big news item, but then the T&G isn’t exactly the New York Times. I mean, they DO have space for Clive McFarlane’s weekly exercise in race baiting.

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