All-Star Criminals

Drunken Irishmen Wakes Up In Ted Williams Tunnel, Blames It On Spiked Drink

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WCVBA Somerville man was charged with trespassing after getting trapped in a storm drain inside the Ted Williams/Connector tunnels Monday night.

Daniel J. Kelly, 27, called police at 9:20 p.m. saying he was trapped and could not find a way out.

Troopers began searching the area while Kelly described what he could see. Troopers then directed their search to the area of the D ramp and Ted Williams/Connector tunnels.

The D ramp was temporarily shut down while troopers continued their search for the man, checking vent slots, doors and ceiling opening areas.

While checking the area, Trooper Eric Chin saw a hand waiving from an upper vent on the tunnel wall. Lt. David Wilson and Chin found Kelly in a vent shaft, about 15 feet up, sitting on a pipe attached to the wall.

Kelly admitted drinking a few beers before the incident but said he believes someone spiked his drink.

“Don’t leave drinks unattended at a bar. That’s pretty much it,” he said after his arraignment.

Kelly was charged with trespassing.


Am I missing something? Why is this man under arrest again? The guy got wasted and woke up lost in the Ted Williams tunnel. I’m not even mad. That’s amazing! The man is a Goddamn American hero.

Seriously though, who amongst us hasn’t had too much to drink and woken up in a strange place? Most of us wake up next to someone who doesn’t love us and can’t find our underpants. But this poor guy wakes up sitting on a pipe, in a hidden vent shaft, 15 feet in the air. So many questions are left unanswered. Amongst them are – How? And…why? And also…..wait……..what? Here’s a picture of him realizing that something had gone terribly, terribly wrong:


I think the most impressive part about all of this is how he had not only still had his cell phone but somehow kept it charged. Because it’s a rare circumstance when I wake up from a long night of drinking and have any battery left on my iMachine.

So this guy shows up to court today and elected to go with the “boys will be boys” defense. He asked the judge to drop the case, probably because it’s a gigantic waste of time. The judge didn’t see it that way though, which his lawyer probably would’ve told him had he not elected to represent himself in court. You will also notice the look that he was going for was definitely the “I’m a drunken Irishman, this happens sometimes” look:

22clarke (1)

No shave. No undershirt. No fucks given. When your name is Daniel Kelly, and you’re wasted in the late afternoon at a bar in Southie, sometimes you end up lost in a vent shaft of the Ted Williams tunnel. It’s science. What are you gonna do, your honor?

If he did have a lawyer he or she would probably advise him that no one’s buying the “someone roofied me” defense, and he shouldn’t be selling it. That’s even worse than the “someone hacked my Twitter” defense. That stuff only happens to 7’s in Lifetime movies. And it certainly doesn’t happen to dudes. Why would anyone wanna roofy a dude? Anything a guy would do wasted he’d do sober too. Booze just gives us an alibi. No roofy required.

It’s like dude, you’re an Irishmen on Patriot’s Day. Slipping you a mickey is a waste of a roofy. It’s like secretly giving a stoner a pot brownie on 420. They’re gonna get fucked up on their own.


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6 Comment(s)
  • Rick
    April 24, 2015 at 6:01 pm


  • jerkwad
    April 23, 2015 at 9:58 am

    Sleeper cell of one

  • O the humanities
    April 23, 2015 at 4:21 am

    What’s his cellphone plan? We’re talkin’ great reception! Can’t be AT&T. Whatever it is, I’m switching. Congratulations to the winner of “Asshat of the Week”!

  • Drunkbutnotreallystupid
    April 22, 2015 at 9:48 pm

    kiccup, ok ok ok ok alright ok ok already kiccup. it wus meee. I thought I saw ols bells kiccup eye mean old balls in the roof area trying to make an escape to seth rogan I mean logan so I fuggin’ went after hem and then I fuggin’ slept ok? in a medal tube ok? ok? ok? I never kiccup caught ole balls and his rotten dingle berries because I fuuuuurgot where I was then hiccup I was terminated as a free person nd got arrested. ok? hiccup.

  • Clean Hippie
    April 22, 2015 at 9:35 pm

    What’s wrong with having facial hair in court? Some of those lawyers have beards that put mine to shame. I saw one with a man bun today!

    • RJ
      April 23, 2015 at 5:47 am

      Because he doesn’t really have a beard, he just has the “I haven’t shaved in 3 days” scruff.

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