A couple people sent me a link from a YouTube channel called “Active Self Protection,” showing a drunken boob getting kicked out of a bar in Haverhill and then pulling out a knife and trying to go full OJ.

Well, that escalated quickly. Don’t get me wrong, this guy is a drunken asshole, but at least he was funny about it. Plus, it was hard to be sympathetic towards the people he was trying to stab. If you’re gonna try to slice someone, at least make me laugh with anecdotes like this one:

Drunken Boob: “I’m from fucking Southie. I’m from Southie.”

Hardo: “I’m gonna knock you out buddy.”

Drunken Boob: “Good, knock me the fuck out. NO!! You can’t even do it. You two punch!! You couldn’t even knock me the fuck out!!”

And he did this all while wearing cargo pants.

His Jncos and carpenter jeans must’ve been in the wash. I haven’t seen a nice pair of cargo pants since the Bush 2 years.

Just to review what went down, it all began when the guy showed up wasted to pick up his Chinese food at Yummy’s, and apparently he caused a disruption inside that forced him to be kicked out.

Once he was out the problem was solved. But for some reason the chinstrapped leprechaun wanted to get into a pissing match with a guy who hasn’t been sober since prohibition. You cannot reason with people like this, which is why he kept trying to bitch slap the chinstrapped leprechaun while the guy who works there tried to break it up.

Meanwhile they all got mad at the cameraman for not calling 911, even though they should’ve been thanking him for filming horizontally.

I’d estimate that at least 95% of people in this situation film this vertically, which prevents us from getting still shots like that one. People who whine about other people who film are the absolute worst. Keep the cameras rolling boys, the rest of the world needs entertainment.

It looked like it was gonna be a hilarious slap fight, but then all of a sudden the Southie slop donkey pulled out a blade.

At this point the appropriate thing to do would be to run. This guy is clearly insane, drunk, has no fucks to give, and thinks he’s living in the Southie project circa 1978 when it was perfectly normal to bust out a blade during the middle of a fight. But instead the chinstrapped leprechaun kept trying to be the hero no one asked for.

First he went for his knees.

When that didn’t work out he literally tried stabbing him in the face, and despite connecting with his hand that was holding the blade, did not cut the chinstrapped leprechaun.

Eventually all the men hid inside, but there was just one problem.

He forgot his wife. So he pushed the Southie slop donkey hoping that she would run towards the door and he would close it. But of course she stood there and did nothing instead.

This led to some more hilarious bitch slaps that reigned down upon the chinstrapped leprechaun.

Despite the fact that he easily could’ve killed someone, this made me laugh out loud several times while watching it. Then for some reason the camera man attempted to engage him in a conversation about what just happened, because clearly this was a man who could be reasoned with.

Cameraman: “You pulled a blade on them.”

Southie slop donkey: “I had to.”

Cameraman: “No you didn’t.”

Southie slop donkey: “What do you mean I didn’t?”

Cameraman: “You could’ve just walked away.”

Southie slop donkey: “Walked away from 5 guys?”

Cameraman: “Keep your distance.”

Southie slop donkey: “Shut the fuck up.”

But….why? Does this look like a who thought it wasn’t justified to pull out a knife and start stabbing chinstrapped leprechauns?

In his mind everything that just transpired was perfectly normal, and although he was confused when he was finally arrested, he didn’t really seem surprised by the fact that he was.

Just another Friday night out picking up Chinese food. This one was my favorite quote:

“Five people came at me. The Chinese guy was nice.”

You can say he’s a lot of things, but at least he’s not racist against the Chinese. The Southie slop donkey definitely does NOT call it the Wuhan virus.

Just for some context this video was shot in January, so don’t freak out and call the cops on them for being open. It was only recently sent to this big channel by the guy who filmed it. And as it turns out the cameraman is a guy who’s been featured on Turtleboy several times before. The leader of the heterosexual pride brigade, who along with fellow organizer John Hugo just screams, “heterosexual sex.”

A man who came on the live show and walked out because we weren’t taking his straight pride parade seriously because we didn’t believe he was oppressed. A man who got Bret Killoran to say one of the greatest lines in Live show history, that ended up being made into a t-shirt:

Samson Racioppi.

Now I never had anything against Samson, even though he did befriend Josh Abrams.

Him and I kissed and made over that. Plus, I really never had anything against him. It was Bristol Blarney who had a stick up her ass about exposing him as some sort of white nationalist, when in reality he was just Samson – a man looking to be oppressed by something.

Here’s what Samson wrote in the comments.

TL;DR:

• Samson thought the drunk guy was the good guy and wanted to film it in case he got hurt
• When the guy took out a knife he thought about pulling out his gat
• The crazy drunk guy flailing a knife everywhere “didn’t seem like much of a threat” to Samson because he is Captain Kung Fu
• He rightfully blames the chinstrapped leprechaun for not just going inside
• Of course he has to mention how he trains in something called “Krav Maga” and said that he was “confident in my empty-handed skills,” because Samson doesn’t need a gun to take down a bad guy
• Samson is an Uber driver and as it turned out the drunk guy was the one he was there to pick up

That is the most Samson story of all time. Again, I got nothing against the dude, but only he could tell a story like that.

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