Hoodrat Heroes

Epic Fight Between Hoodrat Gravy Dumpsters At Auburn Mall As Santa And Small Children Watch In Horror

This is what happens when the Greendale Mall goes out of business.

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Everyone and their mother is talking about the ratchet show that was on display yesterday at the Auburn Mall. It’s the greatest video we’ve seen since Busgate:



Holy Great Brook Valley!! I can smell the welfare and Sbarro’s from here. My question is, does this count as their exercise for the day? And does the perp walk count towards the fitbit goal of the day?

First of all, BIG shoutout to the cameraman for holding the phone sideways. You the real MVP. See that folks? It’s not that hard. This guy just gave us all so much more context and visual details that we never would’ve seen if he filmed this vertically.


Anyway, this is what happens when the Greendale Mall goes out of business. The hoodrat butter slugs invade Auburn. Let’s go to the tale of the tape from the beginning.

It starts off after some sort of altercation has taken place between these meatballs who more than likely rolled on in there from Webster Square. Apparently these deep fried couch potatoes took a break from their daily trip to Planet Fitness to use some of their hard earned EBT points to buy some Christmas gifts for all the nieces and nephews they hoard in their triple decker so that the electric company can’t turn the power off. Then there was some sort of disagreement, possibly because one of these cheeshogs took the last free sample from the Master Wok.

But things appear to have been calmed. A police officer has one of these Hatchimals in training in handcuffs in the background, and the Cambridge Street referee appears to have diffused the situation.




I love how they got dressed up for the occasion too. Normally they’d wear their standard Thursday outfit of pajama pants and broken dreams. But this was formal day. This was the day they went to the Auburn Mall. You gotta bust out the dress sweatpants for such a high class occasion.

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Then out of nowhere you see a bunch of promotional brochures from the T-Mobile stand being thrown at the junior butterball in the black t-shirt. As a bunch of parents and small children in baby carriages watched, the Notorious P.I.G. in her finest shawl then pulled down the Latina oompa-loompa by her hair:



Down goes the Thightanic!! And everyone was treated to a free Auburn Mall burlesque show





The lone police officer then had to leave the loud mouthed McMuffin in handcuffs and break up the Plumley Village waltz that was taking place ten feet south of there. Naturally the handcuffed Rhodes Scholar started barking orders from the sideline, because although she might be under arrest, a hoodrat boxing coach’s job is never really done.


I think we found Edwin Rodriguez’ next boxing opponent. Although he’d have to move up a couple weight classes to fight them.


You will also notice that at this time the creature with the shawl has magically lost her pants during this holiday donnybrook.


Because, who has time to pick up their pants when they’re throwing down in a crowded mall at Christmas time? Most people would stop what they’re doing and pull their pants up. Not this gravy dumpster though. She just keeps right on fighting in her panties, rolls be damned.


Meanwhile poor Santa Claus was watching the entire thing like it was an episode of Jerry Springer meets Animal Planet.


When Santa says “ho-ho-ho” at the Auburn Mall, he’s actually warning the kids to watch out for these laardvarks.

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That face you make when you realize there isn’t enough coal at the North Pole for Worcester County this year:


Santa’s like, “damn, you ratchets are going right back on the naughty list.”


It looks like Santa won’t be coming to Douglas Street this year. Again.

Not sure where Auburn Mall “security” is at this point, but the lone Auburn Police Officer (who must’ve done something to piss off Chief Sluckis and got stuck with mall duty) used his other pair of cuffs to tame a mystery trap queen who we did not see in the video because must have gotten lost in the sea of blubber. You’ll notice in the background the other creampuff is going to talk strategy with her coach, who of course is hocking a huge lungee right on the Auburn Mall floor.



Pretty standard.

Normal people would probably look at their surroundings, see all the families, Christmas decorations and Santa, and say, “maybe I should calm the fuck down for a couple minutes. Or at least ask my friend to pull my shirt down a little bit.” Not these spelling bee champs though. It was like a Victoria’s Secret plus sized fashion show, except with more gratuitous use of the n word.



The Vernon Hill Thicky Minaj wasn’t done though. If she were smart she would’ve realized that she got lucky that this cop ran out of handcuffs. She would’ve walked away and avoided arrest. But apparently the thought of sitting in an Auburn jail cell was more appealing to her (because she knows they have to buy her a Happy Meal), because she decided to walk over to the cop and take something (possibly her misplaced EBT card) out of his hands. The cop got the same look that she gave the guy at the Super Chinese Buffet who took the last crab raccoon:


She must’ve felt like she was getting proposed to:


LOL. Just kidding. She has no idea what marriage is.

Love how she says, “don’t fucking touch me.” Has that ever worked with the police? Is that an effective hoodrat strategy? Seems like a lower percentage move. But then again I’ve never thrown down at the Auburn Mall so what do I know?

Anyway, the cop rightfully threw her jolly ass down to the ground too. Then the other two pork chops who were already under arrest came over and started hollering about “free my boi.” This picture of two hoodrats in handcuffs yelling at this poor cop who is trying to do his job basically sums up why Donald Trump is about to be President of the United States.


At this point the ghetto chubtard on the ground is yelling “I can’t breathe.” Because thanks to the good folks over at BLM, this is what the morbidly obese instinctively yell whenever they’re actively resisting arrest. Hey snowflake, I think we figured out why you can’t breathe:




Just sayin.

Then finally towards the end of the video Paula Blart shows up on her segway, complete with hard hat on, because you can really hurt yourself cruising at 6 mph in the Auburn Mall. She was like, “everyone chill the fuck out – I got this. Just let me park by segway first.”


The cop then gives her the greatest “where the fuck have you been” look of all time.


It’s understandable that she took so long to get there. After all, the Auburn Mall is pretty massive. Oh wait, no it’s not. It’s the length of a football field and she didn’t even have to walk. Good thing the Auburn Mall keeps these people on payroll. They’re obviously extremely useful in situations like this.

Here’s another thing about hoodrat culture – listening to cops is optional. When police tell normal people to sit down and shut up, they sit down and shut up. Not these geniuses though. They just keep on yapping about how they’re gonna call their imaginary lawyers.


Uh-oh!! Looks like someone’s got a case of the “Dindu Nuffins!!!” Someone better page Attorney Richard N. Vulva!!


Anyway, tip of the cap to the Auburn Police Officer who had to deal with these gutterslugs. These people are a plague that we have created with our culture of unlimited handouts and lowered expectations. We live to shame people like this, because they should be embarrassed and humiliated. It’s the mall at Christmas time. People have a right to bring their kids out for family shopping without seeing a pack of wild warthogs pull each other’s pants off while yelling every racial slur in the book. I’m sure somebody out there knows who these winners are. Please feel free to message us and let us know so we can do a followup blog.



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57 Comment(s)
    December 7, 2017 at 10:49 pm

    Fucking Crab Racoon! Brilliant I tell ya…

  • Your worst nightmare
    February 25, 2017 at 9:54 pm

    Anyone know this dudes identity?? I can’t wait to meet him

    • Turd
      April 1, 2017 at 8:26 pm

      His name is Ray he still works at the T-Mobile at the Auburn Mall he’s the fat Ramos Ninnie ex boyfriend. I have the whole scoop

  • john Colorio
    John Colorio
    December 17, 2016 at 2:41 pm

    this is the best article i have ever read in my life spot on absolute truth

  • Shameonturtlebrain
    December 17, 2016 at 12:16 pm

    Turtle boy is no different then the trash he is consumed with posting about. He is just as “ratchet” as they are, with the constant vulagarities and trashy word choices. To make statements that people who are overweight , lesbian, or of lower socioeconomic class or live in certain zip codes or who may have conceived children via a sperm donor are all “trash” just shows exactly what type of person he is . Turtle boy is a narcissistic head case who thrives on drama and the deprivation of others. He writes all these articles because they are a mirror image of himself. “Ratchet” , indeed he is !!!

    • coach
      December 17, 2016 at 6:57 pm


    • Court
      April 6, 2017 at 12:18 pm

      Go home snowflake.

  • Hugh Beaumont
    December 17, 2016 at 6:18 am

    Think about the movies set in the future where you have to perform some sort of civic duty or meet some other criteria in order to get a llicense to have children….

  • Stuck in Worcester County
    December 17, 2016 at 5:42 am

    Auburn is only getting worse now….trash from Worcester is starting to spread
    out to the surrounding towns.
    There’s going to be a lot more of this.

    • Code of Silence
      December 21, 2016 at 10:34 pm

      Need to stop the bus from coming to the towns. If not, they get infiltrated with trash.

  • Justice
    December 16, 2016 at 11:19 pm

    LOL I haven’t laughed myself to tears in a long time, TB. That was epic. Your choice of words was HILARIOUS! Unbelievably funny. Reminds me of the good ‘ol Busgate days when I was first introduced to the brilliance of the Turtle. Thanks for a great laugh.

    By the way…”These people are a plague that we have created with our culture of unlimited handouts and lowered expectations” is the most accurate, intelligent, and truthful words ever spoken on TBS. So true. Sad, but true. Let’s make America great again, folks.

  • Justice
    December 16, 2016 at 11:00 pm

    I, too, get ripshit raging mad when the fat chick in front of me takes the last of the cookie dough globs at Tutti Fruitti.

  • Cj
    December 16, 2016 at 9:43 pm

    This aaticle should be the main headline on fox news its fucking hilarious and thicky minaj and laardvark can watch how stupid they look from behind bars while thinking they are badass skanks anfiguring out which type of mcmuffin the will get i bet they get the blanket with blood on it like i did

  • Wabbitt
    December 16, 2016 at 8:09 pm

    Sorry Tons O’ Fun, but you’re whiter than I am. No amount of yelling about how you can’t breathe is going to get Talcum X to lead a crusade for you.

    Also, “don’t fucking touch me” may as well be code for “I want to be planted face first on these dirty floor tiles.”

  • Woodiculous
    December 16, 2016 at 8:07 pm

    That Auburn cop deserves a medal for his professional restraint.\

    Especially after the “I can’t breathe” bleat . Maybe if she stopped swearing at the top of her lounges and bull rushing folk, she would be able to breathe.

  • Trump-ette
    December 16, 2016 at 6:58 pm

    Best thing I’ve read all day!! Sad and disgusting display of today’s society….I’m embarrassed to call Worcester County my home. God Bless that cop for showing the level of self control he did….the only thing that would have made that video better would have been to see him drop one of those douches like the bag of shit they are with a blast from that taser and watch them flop around screaming like the beached whales they are….Merry Christmas!!!!!

  • Brian Northboro
    December 16, 2016 at 5:18 pm

    I’m more concerned with the response time of legitimate back up for an Auburn Officer working the mall…
    It’s telling me that anyone committing a crime there just has to deal with 1 cop and then you’re home free…Not a good thing for police working solo…and we all know that mall security is legally permitted to do NOTHING…they are living traffic cones…

    • BobnMic
      December 16, 2016 at 5:35 pm

      Thinking the same thing. It’s a good thing that Cop looked like he was in shape. Whenever I see a situation like that I get concerned that some fucknut will try to pry his weapon out of it’s holster.

  • Dave P
    December 16, 2016 at 4:16 pm

    That moment when the camera pans left, and Santa Claus comes into view… Words can’t describe it.

  • Walmart's Finest in Auburn
    December 16, 2016 at 4:11 pm

    She doesn’t have money, looks, an education, a specific gender, or a job, but she got a lawyer on standby? Nig**a please. What’s this world coming to, when you can’t waddle on down to Claire’s, and buy some affordable hair accessories, without walking into a fight by Cambridge Street’s finest. Miss don’t fucking touch me is the best. Rocking her 3 stripe adidas kilby tee, with her long hair don’t care flowing in the breeze. Bitch you still got touched huh! I hope she was trying to buy a shirt that fit, when this fight broke out.
    This is what our tax dollars are paying for. A bunch of loud mouth, ghetto losers, who really eat well off the food stamps. I hope Trump imposes BMI restrictions, lol. Unless you are healthy and fit, no free food!

  • Fatfingr Lou
    December 16, 2016 at 4:08 pm

    I thought I clicked on the link for the Killer Whales eating the shark. This one is WAAAY better!

    Mr. Queequeg…. Fire the Taser Harpoon!

  • Turd Burglestein
    December 16, 2016 at 4:04 pm

    BWAHAHAHAHA. So many award winning names in there…thightanic, thicki minaj, chubtard, paula blart, notorious P.I.G.

    This might have been the best post all year.

  • Harvard University-Anthropology Department
    December 16, 2016 at 3:55 pm

    Finally I have found proof of the “Missing Link”.

  • Mistressveila
    December 16, 2016 at 3:30 pm

    Wow, they did all get dressed up for the day…obese gutter rats all… WTF, they start a brawl over the last crab Rangoon …
    I don’t understand these idiots…oh, they were all Puerto rican? Now I get it.
    I’m surprised one of them didn’t whip out a gun or a knife ,having a go at one another
    They are so low on the totem pole of logical morals, how else are they expected to do anything else..they go way past talk before you shoot.
    No that happens when the victim is usually already in the ER with some type of wound, and the cops are ready to interview them.
    Apparently ,seeing that they’re PR, theyre not taught at home how to behave in public, because this is how they behave at home, so why be any different in public.nope they shouldn’t be expected to act any way else..why should they
    . I m sure , when at home, if there’s one piece of ebt bought lobster tale lingering on a plate at the table, they all dive for it ,and then the fireworks begin.
    I was once to by a PR co-worker, that if they own something, it’s usually well cared for, i.e. those toyota and Hondas that have tons of extra added lights inside and out, detailed to a fault,and you can hear and feel their approach as the subwoofers are manditory in their small cars,while blasting out shit they consider music,all the way across the city
    But if they live in rental property or somewhere that doesn’t belong to them, they couldn’t give 2 shits about it. Because theyre semi transient ,destroying ,and making the flat unlivable, they know they’ll be moved from flat to flat in the worcester housing authority
    I grew up next to a worcester firefighter, and some of the stories he told,will help you understand why these people are the gutter dregs of socierty…
    He and his fellow FF’s, when called into “the valley” ,for various reasons, would see some things no normal human being does.
    They just haven’t changed their ways since they came from the island of PR…
    One flat they were called to, for a grease fire in the kitchen, upon entering the kitchen, where the kitchen cabinets should have held kitchen stuff such as dishes ,cups glasses etc, what most normal folks store there kitchen stuff…
    Nope not this group of gutter rats, the cabinet doors had been removed and in place carefully constructed chicken wire doors to house , guess what live chickens!
    As the FF’S are trying to put out the fire, the ancient grandmother had been trying to put the grease fire out with water..
    And the family of 12 or more,crushed into a 2 bedroom flat were hurried to get the chickens out of the cabinet to safety.. all yelling in spanish and one FF undrstood one guy yelling save his rooster, it’s his best fighting bird..yes, true pillars of the community.
    Another time the FF’S were called to the valley, in the winter, another group of dregs were get this, trying to have a pig roast in the bathtub… they couldn’t understand why their ceramic tub cracked , plumbing burst, and the rest of the bathroom and hallway caught on fire
    Both of these families were immediately shuffled off to newer flats in the valley,.. of course the extra family members were hid away till everything was ok, to move back into the new 2 bedroom flat they all inhabited
    So we wonder why these people feel they’re entitled to everything our government and taxes afford them, they don’t have high enough IQ’s,to act anyway else, and don’t care about anything or anyone..why do you think every crime and shooting you read about daily is usually a latino..
    So why should they care about others around them at a mall to act any differently than they do anywhere else…
    Unfotunately we need to just stay away from these people, I’m not saying all PRS are bad, they’re not, but most are, Because it’s passed on from family member to family member that it’s OK to act any damn way they want anywhere they are, and fuck anyone or thing who gets in their way…
    Oh and the respect they have for LEO’s, that wasn’t surprising at all..hopefully the apd, will have more than one officer at the mall till the holidays are over,and sack that fat ass mall security guard who rolled up to the scene ,and couldn’t have helped that officer if she tried..she’s the one who’s been eating all the donuts!!
    Keep up the great work TB, for opening most folks eyes about the wonderful latino community,and how theyre law abiding respectful citizens.
    So next time there’s a lone crab Rangoon left at a buffet, youre sure to see a flock of latinos, killing one another to get that last scrap…reveals alot of they way they just are..no regard or respect for anyone, or anyplace they show up.
    Hey, ive never seen them brawl like this at walmart? Thats because you can eat your way through the whole store, for free…
    No fighting over anything cuz there’s plenty for everyone !!
    They allow their uncontrollable litter of brats who run through the store, that they consider their entire playground.. a whole new generation thats being taught ,its ok to act any way you want, any where you want to, without respecting anyone else who happens to be sharing the same space as them..but that’s another story that really pisses me off….

    • Justin Case
      December 16, 2016 at 3:50 pm

      Don’t get me started on the last point you raised. Twice, in the span of a week, I saw kids with their mother going up and down the aisles at Stop & Shop opening up food and soda containers and eating and drinking and then dumping the empty containers on the shelves. And the mothers saw this happening and were just fine with it.
      All I could think was that it’s not enough that the taxpayers are paying for their groceries but that the mothers are raising their kids to be thieves (and future welfare parasites).

    • ButtNutt
      December 16, 2016 at 11:35 pm

      Tell us how you are feeling…really. LOL

  • Publius
    December 16, 2016 at 3:29 pm

    Does anyone beside 100% ghetto and ghetto wannabe still go to Auburn Mall?

    • whatevuh
      December 18, 2016 at 8:35 am

      I do all my shopping online, screw that dump

  • Zaida melen
    December 16, 2016 at 3:22 pm

    This is the most racist, prejudice thing I’ve read in a while.

    • Spic & Span
      December 16, 2016 at 3:50 pm

      Build the god damn wall.
      Start the Deportation Force.
      Round up these “things” and catapult their fat lazy asses over the wall.

      • Julio Iglesias
        December 16, 2016 at 11:29 pm

        You can’t. They are “part of” the U.S. They aren’t Mexican. Hellooooo…how long have you lived in Massachusetts?

      • White Turtle Rider
        December 17, 2016 at 4:10 pm

        ^^ BEST COMMENT EVER ^^

        Get rid of the blacks.
        Get rid of the Mexicans.
        Get rid of Muslims.
        Get rid of gays.


    • KimberlyS
      December 16, 2016 at 4:03 pm

      I didn’t realize ‘Hoodrat’ was a race – learn something new everyday.

    • Justice
      December 16, 2016 at 11:26 pm

      How so, melen head? The only racist thing about it was the N word being screamed over and over by the two um….ehem…”ladies.” Don’t call TBS racist. Truthful, not racist.

    • dupes
      December 7, 2017 at 8:06 pm

      so the fighting and swearing didn’t bother you? just the comedic commentary…hmmm

  • g
    December 16, 2016 at 3:21 pm

    Crab Racoon huh? That must be a new dish.

    • Fatfingr Lou
      December 16, 2016 at 4:00 pm

      Crab Dragoons?

  • Justin Case
    December 16, 2016 at 3:06 pm

    Beautifully written……I laughed so hard.

    I happen to know that these women (they are women, right?) had a disagreement about this year’s Nobel Prize winners in chemistry and it escalated out of control. This sort of thing can happen when intelligent passionate people have disagreements. Either that or the fat cows couldn’t decide which one would get the last McNugget.

  • Paul
    December 16, 2016 at 2:58 pm

    There is one word for these people

    • Emily
      December 16, 2016 at 4:32 pm

      Barbarians. How hateful to ruin things for children going to see Santa because you think fighting can be done anywhere and everywhere! Guess they’ll never grow up

  • wtatnuckgangsta
    December 16, 2016 at 2:41 pm

    Man, I was refreshing this site all morning at my do nothing work Friday and getting disappointed. It was worth the wait. You got me at Thightanic. Also, the Greendale Mall is still open. Pray to the Gods of Three Decker Hell that it never closes or Auburn is fucked.

  • Stk-3
    December 16, 2016 at 2:37 pm

    Funniest blog ever lmao!

  • Epic
    December 16, 2016 at 2:30 pm

    Can someone PLEASE do a poor lip reading voiceover of this?? Something involving KFC vs Taco Bell lol

  • Lissa C
    December 16, 2016 at 2:27 pm

    Thicky Minaj Lmfao

  • Hogeyphenogey
    December 16, 2016 at 2:21 pm

    The writing for this was effing EPIC! Completely NSFW as I’m sitting here laughing so hard tears are water-logging my keyboard and my mouse no longer works! That was, by far, one of the funniest things I’ve read in a very long time.

    Bravo TB, Bravo.

    December 16, 2016 at 2:19 pm


  • KimberlyS
    December 16, 2016 at 2:17 pm

    These are obviously well-educated and reasonable people who . . . oh, wait.

    I can’t help but wonder how it started. Please don’t tell me that one of them stole someone’s “man”, because I don’t even want to picture that.

  • Kenny Powers
    Kenny Powers
    December 16, 2016 at 2:17 pm

    I was the watching video…..say to myself,”How can this get any better?”
    /segway pulls up (This just won the internet)

    “This video should be nominated for a daytime Emmy.”

    Also, slow clap for the term “Gravy dumpster”

  • E.Warren
    December 16, 2016 at 2:15 pm

    Thanks welfare…..the gift that keeps giving.
    This is what Obama’s America looks like.

  • Light of My Life
    December 16, 2016 at 2:02 pm

    EPIC. Thank you. Thank you. Made my Friday.

  • Talisman
    December 16, 2016 at 1:59 pm

    Lololol… Paula fucking Blart…

    • Fact
      December 16, 2016 at 3:38 pm

      Stole it straight from the YouTube comment, way to give credit TB

      • Wabbitt
        December 16, 2016 at 8:02 pm

        Wasn’t exactly profound.

      • Talisman
        December 17, 2016 at 8:46 am

        So? Not like it was the highlight of the story

  • Duke Westwood
    December 16, 2016 at 1:55 pm

    Scootch over Marcus… You got company.

    Boy, the Auburn PD is keeping busy!

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