Fanmail Of The Day: Local Man Threatens To Knock Our Lights Out, Send Hells Angels, Hack Our Website, Put Us On “My Media,” And Have Us Arrested For Cyberbullying
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Here’s the Turtleboy fan mail of the day:
Uh-oh!! Encyclopedia Brownstains is on the case!! He’s gonna get his sleuthing merit badge when he finally uses his world class Google skills to discover such highly renowned websites as Buffalo Bruises, Turtleboy Sporks, Clive McFarlane, and DanMargolis.org. We’re usually good for a few messages a week from people we’ve roasted, who linked one of those reputable media outlets like they cracked the “I know who Turtleboy is” case. Because apparently there is only one Turtleboy, and he is a serial rapist teacher. But this guy clearly has not made it that far in his investigation yet. However, as you can see, the talent is there.
This guy is different from the rest though. He’s legit. He knows the Hells Angels. He has “friends”‘ who will “target your websites too.” Even though we only have one website. Give him time and he’ll figure out how that works too. Then we’re gonna be on the news. Then he’s gonna come to our house and knock our fucking lights out. Then he’s gonna call the cops because cyberbullying is illegal. Which brings up my biggest beef with him – either you’re a hardo or you’re a victim. You can’t be both. You can’t be the guy who’s gonna knock my teeth out while simultaneously whining that we hurt your feels by blogging about you.
As you can see this fan mail is from “Facebook User,” which means this particular individual set up a burner account that was either shut down by Facebook or him. We don’t mind Internet anonymity at all since we basically invented it. And we LOVE getting mail like this because it makes us realize the level of winning we are currently doing. Ya know who doesn’t get messages like this? The Telegram and Gazette and the Boston Globe. Know why? Because no one gives a shit about them and the only people who don’t like those media outlet are too busy working to send fan mail like this.
Ya gotta listen to the voicemails he left though. Any recognize this voice?
Obviously this guy is a winner, and there’s at least a 75% chance he’s gonna take us down. Let’s look at the trasncript:
“So, this is what pussies do. They talk shit on the Internet, they post shit about people, and then they never write back. So I guess your company is just a bunch of fucking pussies.”
He’s right. There is a lot of pussy at this company. And when they’re all on their cycle it’s the worst!! Could use some more bros up in here.
“Just remember what you’re posting because eventually all those people who fucking hate you, will rise up against you.”
The thought of a gigantic convention hall being rented out by people who have been featured in Turtleboy blogs so they can foment revolution against us, makes me moist.
“So just remember everything you post is very, very fucking personal. So keep that in mind.”
“Ain’t no mother fucker gonna help you if they have enough people to come after you, so. Watch your back. This ain’t no threat but I’m just warning you that there are bad mother fuckers who will come after you for the shit you’re fucking posting.”
Funny, we keep hearing that from people. But no one has ever confronted anyone that they think is associated with this blog. Ever. It’s almost as if the real keyboard tough guy isn’t Turtleboy, it’s the people Turtleboy blogs about.
“So feel free to put my shit on the media because I’m gonna put you on blast through my fucking media.”
Uhoh!! Sounds like someone’s gonna be making an angry Facebook post!! Turtleboy bout to be on blast up in his media!!
“And, and then some. I’m gonna get some hackers to fuck up your shit because I’m pretty sure you can’t afford it, right?”
You’re right, we don’t spend any money on hosting or site protection. It’s not like this website provides a livelihood for people and it’s an important investment to protect. We totally forgot to protect it from hackers. And this guy is clearly a world class hacker.
“I guess you guys are just too overwhelmed with all the hate mail you’re getting from people, right? Or you just take weeks to figure out what to post on the media.”
It was actually lunch time when you sent those messages so we didn’t have time to properly mock you yet. But we caught up.
“Cyberbullying is illegal.”
The badass feels cyberbullied!! Better get yo ass to the closest safe space fallout shelter, pronto!
“I’m gonna say that again. Just remember when you’re posting shit about people and their faces. I plan on making sure I take your company down.”
I’m dying to know what ratchimal this brilliant thinker is here to defend the honor of.
“Good luck dealing with the Hells Angels.”
In the last couple months we’ve gone head to head with crazy cat ladies, horse people, and Celia from Holden, who tried hiring a hitman to kill us, while offering to pay him in felatio. Pretty sure if we can handle those women we can handle just about anyone. Bring on the hackers!!
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