All-Star Criminals

Felon Degeneres Beats Up Old Dude In Berkley Home Who Thinks She’s A He To Get His Pot Gummies, Pepsi, And Ham Steak 

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Taunton GazettePolice say a Berkley woman — who initially was identified by an assault victim as being a man — tried to play the gender card, when she resisted arrest after breaking into the home of an elderly Barnum Street couple.

“I’m a woman, you can’t touch me,” Angela Hanville, 34, allegedly screamed as she began kicking at cops — who were trying to get her to put her hands behind her back so she could be handcuffed, police said.

Police also allege that Hanville kicked one officer in the face and a second policeman in the chest with the boot she was wearing, after refusing to put her legs into a patrol car. Hanville was charged with assault and battery on a person over 60; unarmed burglary and assault; possession of a burglarious instrument; assault and battery on a police officer; and resisting arrest. Court records indicate Hanville has two open cases out of Taunton. She was arrested in September for assault and battery of a family or household member. A month later Hanville was arrested for felony breaking and entering and larceny.

Police say they were called to a Barnum Street home shortly after 11 p.m. Wednesday, after a 65-year-old woman called 911 to report that her 69-year-old husband was wrestling with and attempting to hold down an intruder. The woman told police she and her husband were in their bedroom when she heard a loud crash coming from the back of the house. Police said after they arrived it was apparent that the glass of an exterior side door leading into the living room had been smashed. After alerting her husband, the woman said he opened the bedroom door and was confronted by a person standing just outside their bedroom. After a struggle between the two, during which Hanville allegedly “swung and clawed at (the husband),” she ran off and exited through the same glass door that had been smashed, police said.

The husband, police said, described the person who broke into his house as a “white, clean shaven, clean-cut male with blue eyes, a thin build and an unusually high-pitched voice.” 

I’m so confused right now. So……does it have a porridge gun or not? Are we dealing with a BLT-123 here, or just a chick who prefers the boy’s regular? Because I’m not seeing any facial hair or an Adam’s apple, and the victim says it had a high pitched voice, so it appears as if this might just be a good ol’ fashioned Felon Degeneres.

The best part was what she stole:

Police said they then discovered someone had broken into the couple’s garage and stolen a number of items — including three packets of medical marijuana “gummies”; a packet of marijuana-infused lemonade; a power drill; a ham steak from a refrigerator; cans of Miller Lite; and five bottles of Pepsi. The homeowner told police he had a prescription for the marijuana products. He also said he could positively identify the person who had broken into his house.

An old man with pot gummies who isn’t giving them up without a fight?

I guess sometimes you just have to kick the shit out of an elderly dude to get some pot gummies, Pepsi, and a ham steak. There isn’t much I wouldn’t do for that lethal combination. Does this look like the kind of chick who would ever turn down a ham steak?

Normally she turns down pork, but a ham steak is a ham steak.

Oh and she also had a set of antlers on her:

Police said when they found Hanville in the area of Harrison Avenue, she was wearing clothing consistent with the description provided by the couple and was carrying a backpack “full of items,” including a “large steel knife/hunting tool,” a driver’s license belonging to a man and a set of antlers.

“Yes, that’s definitely him — I am completely one hundred percent certain,” the homeowner allegedly told police when he was driven over to get a close look at Hanville.

Police said the man “was surprised to find out that Hanville” — who police said had a short buzz cut and was wearing loose-fitting men’s clothing and work boots — “was in fact a woman.”

Because ham steak tastes better when you’re high on weed gummies and wearing deer antlers. Everyone knows that.

This story is Taunton it hurts. People move to Berkley to get away from the Felon Degeneres’s of the world, but when you build a bridge over the Taunton River it’s like laying out ratchet red carpet. This shit is inevitable. Especially when you’re an old dude with pot gummies and ham steak. Might as well stand in the middle of Brockton with a cowbell handing out free food stamps.

16 Comment(s)
  • Liberal tears are lube
    November 27, 2018 at 2:34 am

    Once that gender gets bent, there’s no straightening it back out.
    Hope it got the shit kicked out of it.
    It needs to get punched in whatever of the 57 gender flavors booty hole and then forcibly given a big booster of estrogen to interrupt the steroid cycle and make it crazy, lol.

  • ARRRRRGGHHHH
    November 26, 2018 at 10:12 pm

    I am thinking, it is actually a man (see the man hands?), but he decided to play the “It’s Massachusetts and I identify (at this moment) as a woman, and who are you to judge?” move when arrested.

    Massachusetts – one big state of confusion. Or commonwealth of confusion…see, there is no end to it.

  • Vagitarian
    November 26, 2018 at 7:45 pm

    She looks like her balls hurt. Why do people think that the police can put handcuffs on women? I never understood that one.

    • Vagitarian
      November 26, 2018 at 7:47 pm

      Can’t not can. Sorry

  • Ain't she a beauty !
    November 26, 2018 at 5:28 pm

    Kill it with fire !!!!!

  • Maura Healey's fuck buddy
    November 26, 2018 at 4:58 pm

    His face kind of resembles Gronk. I can see why the ladies are all over him

  • Turtz McGurtz
    November 26, 2018 at 4:07 pm

    If Taunton isn’t the most shithole city or town in the state it is certainly in the discussion.

  • Lance Armstrong
    November 26, 2018 at 4:00 pm

    Times are tough. Give me a break.

  • Don't Be a Lickspittle
    November 26, 2018 at 3:58 pm

    Dude doesn’t look like a lady, or act like a lady.

  • MrSmiley
    November 26, 2018 at 11:59 am

    She wants to be a dude until caught? Fuck it! Send her to Walpole.

  • Carpet Muncher
    November 26, 2018 at 11:50 am

    Handsome Woman

  • SNL Pat
    November 26, 2018 at 11:47 am

    Its Pat!

  • Y
    November 26, 2018 at 11:23 am

  • Randall Guy
    November 26, 2018 at 11:18 am

    SEE!…the dentist was right…marijuana leads to break-ins!

  • StumtCock
    November 26, 2018 at 11:16 am

    ANTLERS!

    • Hugh-Bo Mont
      November 26, 2018 at 1:58 pm

      Reminds me of the John Cusack movie, Better Off Dead.

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