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There are a lot of dumb criminals out there, but the dumbest of them all are exactly where you would expect them to be – the magical Kingdom of Fitchburg. There’s been a video of two Fitchburg nudniks robbing a place called RC Excitement, which has been making the rounds of the Facebook machine, and I wanted to share it with you for two reasons.
1. Turtleboy stands with the small business community and hates scumbags like this.
2. It’s so Fitchburg it hurts.
Let’s review the several ways these people are hilarious morons.
For starters he shows up in your classic Fitchburg-mobile – a hand me down minivan with no license plates.
Now this genius was planning on robbing the store. Most of us would probably keep the getaway vehicle right outside in order to make a quick and speedy getaway. But not Numbnuts McGee. He parks over in Lunenburg and walks into the store.
After he enters the store he “pretends” to shop by awkwardly standing there, staring at the rack while wearing his finest Fitchburg attire.
I mean, come on guy. What the hell are you wearing? That outfit screams, “I need more heroine.” This is the exact same outfit every skater/dope fiend wore at South High back in the 90’s.
Finally he takes a big box of something and walks out of the store with it:
Now this is one of several parts I didn’t quite understand. Probably because I’m not high on PCP but I’m still trying to understand the thought process of a guy who sold his two front teeth for a big bag of spit. But for whatever reason he decided to come BACK into the store, even though he’s clearly gotten away undetected. But this time there is a different girl behind the counter.
So the poor lady behind the register has to start talking to this schmuck, and she realizes she has absolutely no fucking clue what he’s talking about.
The next part I don’t get. He walks out of the store and back towards the direction of his car.
Seconds later the woman from behind the register follows him.
But for what? That’s what I don’t get. Because he had already stolen the box five minutes ago. As far as this lady knew this guy was just some crackhead who came into the store, looked around and then didn’t buy anything. It’s Fitchburg, I assume that happens all the time. That’s when we discover what an epic dingleberry this bag of doosh truly is. All of a sudden the people parked in the spot immediately in front of the store, which he EASILY could’ve parked in, point out that he left the box in front of the store:
Then this asshat comes BACK, and appears to be demanding the box he stole and left behind immediately be returned to him:
Then he realizes what a stupid idea this was, and begins to walk away:
But the lady from behind the register wasn’t having none of that and immediately gives chase…..WITHOUT putting the box down!!
That right there is an angry Fitchburg woman on a mission. I’ve seen what happens when you anger a woman from Fitchburg. It’s not a pretty sight.
That’s when things get even more confusing. I had to watch this a few times but I think I know what’s going on now. Remember the other lady who walked into the store? I’m pretty sure she was in on it too. He only took the box out of there AFTER she had acted as a distraction:
Then when he’s making his break for it she mozies on out like she’s just an innocent bystander
Then she goes to wait for her longterm boyfriend/needle buddy to come pick her ass up in the Fitchburg-mobile
But the bad ass lady with the box has put the clues together and calls her out on her shenanigans.
At this point the van drives by, and our superhero runs after him.
Of course he hits the gas and totally forgot to pick up his partner in crime. So she’s throws her hands up in the air and yells, “What the fuck!!”
At this point the jig is up and the boyfriend is halfway to Ashby. So finally the crackhead’s sidepiece decides to make a break for it, which results in superwoman dropping the box and running after her in a hilarious foot race:
Well apparently when something like this happens in 2015 you don’t call the cops. You put it on Facebook instead and hope it goes viral. Well, that’s where we come in. I know we have a lot of readers up in the twin cities. If anyone knows who these dooshnozzles are, feel free to let the good people at R/C Excitement know by sending them a message on Facebook. Or even better – call the police. That might work too.