All-Star Criminals

Fitchburg Crackheads Try Robbing Store, Fail Miserably – Do You Recognize These Dooshnozzles?

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There are a lot of dumb criminals out there, but the dumbest of them all are exactly where you would expect them to be – the magical Kingdom of Fitchburg. There’s been a video of two Fitchburg nudniks robbing a place called RC Excitement, which has been making the rounds of the Facebook machine, and I wanted to share it with you for two reasons.

1. Turtleboy stands with the small business community and hates scumbags like this.

2. It’s so Fitchburg it hurts.

Let’s review the several ways these people are hilarious morons.

For starters he shows up in your classic Fitchburg-mobile – a hand me down minivan with no license plates.

Screen Shot 2015-03-12 at 10.54.49 PM

Now this genius was planning on robbing the store. Most of us would probably keep the getaway vehicle right outside in order to make a quick and speedy getaway. But not Numbnuts McGee. He parks over in Lunenburg and walks into the store.

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After he enters the store he “pretends” to shop by awkwardly standing there, staring at the rack while wearing his finest Fitchburg attire.

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I mean, come on guy.  What the hell are you wearing? That outfit screams, “I need more heroine.” This is the exact same outfit every skater/dope fiend wore at South High back in the 90’s.

Finally he takes a big box of something and walks out of the store with it:

Screen Shot 2015-03-12 at 11.06.44 PM

Now this is one of several parts I didn’t quite understand. Probably because I’m not high on PCP but I’m still trying to understand the thought process of a guy who sold his two front teeth for a big bag of spit. But for whatever reason he decided to come BACK into the store, even though he’s clearly gotten away undetected. But this time there is a different girl behind the counter.

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So the poor lady behind the register has to start talking to this schmuck, and she realizes she has absolutely no fucking clue what he’s talking about.

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The next part I don’t get. He walks out of the store and back towards the direction of his car.

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Seconds later the woman from behind the register follows him.

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But for what? That’s what I don’t get. Because he had already stolen the box five minutes ago. As far as this lady knew this guy was just some crackhead who came into the store, looked around and then didn’t buy anything. It’s Fitchburg, I assume that happens all the time. That’s when we discover what an epic dingleberry this bag of doosh truly is. All of a sudden the people parked in the spot immediately in front of the store, which he EASILY could’ve parked in, point out that he left the box in front of the store:

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Then this asshat comes BACK, and appears to be demanding the box he stole and left behind immediately be returned to him:

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Then he realizes what a stupid idea this was, and begins to walk away:

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But the lady from behind the register wasn’t having none of that and immediately gives chase…..WITHOUT putting the box down!!

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That right there is an angry Fitchburg woman on a mission. I’ve seen what happens when you anger a woman from Fitchburg. It’s not a pretty sight.

That’s when things get even more confusing. I had to watch this a few times but I think I know what’s going on now. Remember the other lady who walked into the store? I’m pretty sure she was in on it too. He only took the box out of there AFTER she had acted as a distraction:

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Then when he’s making his break for it she mozies on out like she’s just an innocent bystander

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Then she goes to wait for her longterm boyfriend/needle buddy to come pick her ass up in the Fitchburg-mobile

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But the bad ass lady with the box has put the clues together and calls her out on her shenanigans.

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At this point the van drives by, and our superhero runs after him.

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Of course he hits the gas and totally forgot to pick up his partner in crime. So she’s throws her hands up in the air and yells, “What the fuck!!”

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At this point the jig is up and the boyfriend is halfway to Ashby. So finally the crackhead’s sidepiece decides to make a break for it, which results in superwoman dropping the box and running after her in a hilarious foot race:

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Well apparently when something like this happens in 2015 you don’t call the cops. You put it on Facebook instead and hope it goes viral. Well, that’s where we come in. I know we have a lot of readers up in the twin cities. If anyone knows who these dooshnozzles are, feel free to let the good people at R/C Excitement know by sending them a message on Facebook. Or even better – call the police. That might work too.

Want to have your business advert seen by over 500,000 people per month? Email us at [email protected] for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.

Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook

Check out our stuff on GoLocalWorcester

9 Comment(s)
  • Haha
    March 22, 2015 at 4:34 pm

    its Michelle from Gardner and her husband and his mothers mini van

  • dave
    March 14, 2015 at 10:19 am

    Yea really, if you are going to critisize someone at least decide which insult to use and stick to it. I don’t know any drug addict that could be a crack smoking, pcp sniffing, dope shooting drug dumpster. typically it would be one or the Other. And if you dont like fitchburg then why all this, why would you waste your time. People like you need to get a job to consumn your obvious excessive free time.

  • DreBot
    March 13, 2015 at 1:28 pm

    Seems you really hate Fitchburg. So much that you know nothing about its geography. The man in the vid parked in Fitchburg, Lunenburg is about 2-3 miles from R/C Ex. And Ashby is left out of that parking lot about 7-10 miles away. No I agree these people are dumb, but so are overeggzageraters!

  • whatintheactualF
    March 13, 2015 at 10:19 am

    The comments are more confusing than the fucking story. You are all on drugs. Get help.

  • Hello Am i on Here? I'm old
    March 13, 2015 at 4:15 am

    You know back in the day I used to be quite a catch. My neighbor down the street he was a little bit slow but I used to let him stick a finger in my ass. He was 21. I was 58. I thought I was being generous. He wore a mask so I thought that was weird. Maybe I smelled. I don’t know. But I gave him chocolates.

  • Hello Am I on Here? I'm old.
    March 13, 2015 at 3:00 am

    I am so so sad of this Concerned Mother of a million kids. I mean, can you walk? Oh dear I am so hopeful that you are ok. I am an grandmother 87 years old and I have had kids and grandkids and at holidays they are such a pain in the ass. Yelling and screaming and breaking everything in sight. My goodness dear. My grandson at eight years old thought it was ok to grab grandma’s ass! I had to throw a chocolate chip cookie at him. It was so terrible dear. But it will all settle down once we drug all of them. it will work itself out while I poop.

  • Concerned Mother of 19. I'm weary. Opps I pooped!
    March 13, 2015 at 12:27 am

    Hey you want to know what is awesome about Crack-Cocaine? Nothing – You lose everything! People will you please stop doing Crack. Especially “Yes” and “alias Tom Brady.” It’s not good for you plus you might get arrested. So stop. OK? Thank you.

  • Semi-Interesting Thought
    March 12, 2015 at 11:19 pm

    I am very religious and I Love everybody. And I hope everybody loves each other. Like a big fucking orgy! Oh my goodness I did not mean that. I love everybody I really really do – even though MOST OF YOU SUCK! Not really. I’m just kidding seriously but the Turtleboy haters really need to go away.

  • Semi-Interesting Thought
    March 12, 2015 at 11:12 pm

    I am very religious and I Love everybody. And I hope everybody loves each other. Like a big fucking orgy! Oh my goodness I did not mean that. I love everybody I really really do – even though MUST OF YOU SUCK! Not really. I’m just kidding seriously but the Turtleboy haters really to go away.

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