It’s only a matter of time until there are riots at Cumbies.
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The most catastrophic thing EVER has happened and you should brace yourselves. Them EBT cards ain’t working and there are people dropping like flies from hunger all across Massachusetts.
Just kidding. They’re fine.
But of course when those benefits don’t show this starts to happen:
EditI was able to translate this because of my extensive background in the New Bedford dialect.
Her stamps ain’t working. It could be a glitch or maybe an investigation. She hasn’t received hers. She needs you to give her food but she needs someone to drop it off.
She just doesn’t want to drop $5 of her own money on a Market Basket Rotisserie Chicken. (Yeah, the same one I can make two or three meals out of because I have a pot and some water.) The endangered, recently emaciated, SNAP recipients are taking to web in a panic because their government assistance is a couple days late.
It seems there was some kind of glitch in the system that delayed dem stamps. The whole thing was dependent on what the last number of your social security number was. The app (which makes sense because most people who abuse the food stamp system have a plethora of smart phones and tablets) is showing that there were zero dollars received on the first of the month. (Admit it. You sang that in your Bone Thugs voice.) I know this because I have friends who are actually in need, are just riding this thing out, and are giggling right along me with me about this. I did a bit of digging and it seems that the stamp outage is nation-wide.
People are storming the outage site, which literally just let’s you know if it’s just you, to freak out. It’s a variable who’s who spelling champs.
It’s straight-out bedlam! I feel you hungry guy. I apposed to eat lunch today but I got busy.
Anyways, let’s get back to Jennifer starving.
Let me tell you something. I did a BARE MINIMUM grocery trip like two weeks ago (I hate going on the first of the month because it looks like a carnie reunion) and I still have enough food in my house to throw together some bullshit for my three kids and marital bae.
Let’s do some math:
She, like myself, has three pieces of crotch fruit. Seeing that she is saying she has NO money for food I’m going to guess that she gets the full amount allowed for her family. That means she gets a whopping $714 for food, for four people, A MONTH. That doesn’t include the kids CLEARLY qualifying for free lunch.
Do you know what I would be doing if I had $700 a month for food and my kids got a free lunch five days a week?
I’d be walking in to the store like:
Bitch, I’d look like this sloven piece of shit.
I could actually feed YOUR family AND mine on that. Just saying. It would take my family years to eat everything of I spent $700 on food a month. YEARS.
Yeah. I find it pretty hard to believe there isn’t a single crumb left in the house to tide them over. The kids are curled up in their beds, grabbing their stomachs, too weak to move.
Give me a break.
My favorite part of this is that there are bleeding hearts who offered this bitch boxes of macaroni and cheese that she could pick up from them, but she couldn’t get a ride, so they offered TO BRING IT TO HER.
I wonder if these people know that they are walking in to the hoodrat version of “If You Give A Mouse A Cookie.”
If you give a cheesehog macaroni, she’s going to need some milk. If you give a cheesehog some milk she’s going to need some butter. If you give a cheesehog some butter she’s going to need a bowl.
Guys, come on. This woman eats better than we do and you’re all tripping over yourselves to give her more. Where is the humility? The common sense? The basic math?
Especially since a chick, who seems to work for the DTA, chimed in saying that they are working on the error as fast as they can.
Until then, instead of spending your entire day (who has all this damn time to wait HOURS) on the phone with the DTA to yell at the poor helpless creatures on the other end, start calling food banks if you’re THAT hard up. Hell, maybe just check your cabinets because there is zero chance they are bare.