All-Star Criminals

Former Manager Fired For Being Drunk At Work And Giving Away Pizza Returns With Fake Gun For Unauthorized Severance Package, Things Don’t Go As Planned

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Ever miss your old co-workers and decide to pay them a visit? Did you wear a mask and carry a gun? According to WCVB Sean Coulson did, and lucky for us there’s video!

BARRE, Mass. — 

Workers fought back to thwart a robbery after a man entered a pizza shop with what looked like a gun in Barre on Tuesday. 

Police say Sean Coulson, 30, wore a mask and held a fake gun when he tried to hold up Northeast Pizza. 

The Telegram reported that the man struck one of the workers, and jumped the counter demanding cash. 

Employees wrestled him to ground and held him until police arrived. 

When they took off his mask, they realized he used to be a manager at the pizza shop, police said. 

Coulson faces several charges and will be arraigned in East Brookfield on Wednesday.

Wow. Coulson was fired from the place last summer because he showed up drunk and gave away free pizza. If I were a minimum wage pizza worker that is exactly what I would want in a manager. If I were a pizza shop owner on the other hand, I would frown upon this.

According to the Zuckerberg social media fascism website he has 2 kids. I have 2 kids about the same age, so I’d like to empathize, but I just don’t think he deserves it. Because another thing I would want if I were a minimum wage pizza worker is to feel confident that I won’t go home dead at the end of my shift.

<–Self employed, as in, runs his own criminal enterprise

An Internet search of his address shows that he lives…ACROSS THE STREET!! I know getaway cars are inconvenient and drivers are liabilities because I watch action movies, but I still feel like it makes more sense than running across the street to your house in plain view of the victims. Junkbox 101.

This level of laziness can only be caused by one thing. That’s right – The Disease. While I can’t find anything that proves he has The Disease, I can’t imagine a clear-thinking individual putting on a mask and walking 50 feet to a former place of employment with a fake gun and robbing the place. Plus he looks like this:

And what else would cause you to commit armed robbery at 8:30 on a fucking Tuesday?! Either way, here is the truth about addiction, brought to you by TurtleBoy Sports. Addiction, regardless of how it happens, is NOT a disease. It is a RESULT.

How ‘bout those pizza workers though? Awesome! If they actually are making anything near minimum wage they should all get a significant raise. They didn’t know the gun was fake. I have several guns and served in the Marine Corps for five years, and I can’t tell this is fake.

But this superhero right here

Trevor Kosla simply does not play. He was just chillin at work, filling orders, when suddenly a masked lunatic runs in, jumps the counter with a pistol, hits someone with it, and says “Fill the bag!” Trevor decides to follow his own program and tackle this dumb mother fucker. The rest of the employees, and according to some reports at least one customer, pin his ass. Then he goes all pussy bitch. “Trevor it’s me, Sean. It’s just a joke! Whaaa!”

Nuh-uh. Joke’s on you bitch! Barre is pretty rural. That’s a joke that carries a real possibility of getting shot in the face. Plus, as annoying as many of my own jokes are, nobody gets pistol whipped, robbed, or fears for their life. And I don’t try to escape from my jokes.

I absolutely do not recommend risking your life for any amount of money. Especially when it’s someone else’s AND it’s insured. That being said, huge shout out to Trevor and the rest of the heroes at Northeast Pizza. If more robberies ended this way fewer robberies would occur.

 

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32 Comment(s)
  • ChrisInShrewsbury
    February 2, 2018 at 6:22 pm

    If you’re not prepared to apply the choke hold properly, I’d recommend simply smashing the back of the guys head with something really really hard. This scuffle lasted way too long.

    • Uncle Randy
      February 2, 2018 at 8:46 pm

      You sound like you give a good BJ.

      • ChrisInShrewsbury
        February 3, 2018 at 1:12 am

        I train to fight, twice a day. Do you? Or do you just proposition gay sex on the internet.

        Fucking faggot.

        • Hugh Jass
          February 3, 2018 at 9:41 am

          Oh Chris you are so tough… Everyone’s an mma champ on the interwebs. We all know that no tough guy ever lived in Shrewsbury. Snicker.

          • (Skid)MarkinMyUndies
            February 3, 2018 at 10:01 am

            I box on my Nintendo Wii at least ten times a day. Does that count as “training to fight?”

            I am “disabled,” so I get to sit at home all day and “train.”

          • ChrisInShrewsbury
            February 3, 2018 at 2:39 pm

            Damn. Good point. Went all Internet Hardo there. I’ve been taking new supplements and they been making me angry.

            Kid I know got attacked by 2 kids with crowbar and a pipe 10 years ago. Put one in a coma with his bare hands. Legit.

          • Win
            February 3, 2018 at 3:47 pm

            Most people in Shrewsbury carry(even the soccer oms-well especially the soccer moms) so they don’t have to touch diseased humps like to you to dispatch them. Why bloody my knuckles or shoes when it could risk my blood mixing with your low grade diseases.

            Beating you would be satisfying, but thats why we win. We choose the larger prize over instant EBT gratification theory.

            You’re welcome for the warning and the life lesson.

    • Buck Futts
      February 2, 2018 at 9:41 pm

      American lung association said it best…
      “When you can’t breathe, nothing else matters.”
      Go for the throat everytime son.

      • ChrisInShrewsbury
        February 3, 2018 at 1:16 am

        Three employees barely beat a crackhead. Against a decent fighter, these guys get their ass handed to them.

        Sharp blow to the back of the head wins every time.

        • K8
          February 4, 2018 at 1:57 pm

          Chris is about to go on a serial killing spree in Shrewsbury, somebody get the Methwaffle to track his IP!

  • Ted Kaczynski
    February 2, 2018 at 5:31 pm

    My meth head neighbor says addiction is NOT a disease and wants people to stop making excuses for him and others. He’s so chill about it like “yea I’m an addict dawg but I don’t have a disease yo, fuck outta here with that” lol

    • Screw PC
      February 2, 2018 at 7:34 pm

      It really is a disease. The doctor on tv said so. But they could go to passages where the president used to be a addict and after a week chilling in the pool he is no longer a addict. He is cured. Now he can go home and spend 20$ and get high as hell. Nothing better then getting clean for a week then banging it hard. The nod is amazing everyone should try it at least once. Cause after all it’s a choice and not a disease so it won’t hurt ya

  • Screw PC
    February 2, 2018 at 4:31 pm

    Don’t worry Sean I got your back

  • Mike
    February 2, 2018 at 4:22 pm

    I get what you are saying about not wanting to risk your life for somebody else’s insured money, but when a person points a gun in your face, your life is already on the line. I don’t blame them for tackling the guy, if you can subdue him he is no longer a danger to you. There is no guarantee that he is going to leave peacefully once he has the money, especially if he has dark skin.

  • Hugh Jass
    February 2, 2018 at 4:02 pm

    The smart money is on Uncle Randy… he’s plain crazy.

  • Hugh Jass
    February 2, 2018 at 3:58 pm

    This guy is clearly a TB reader… snicker.

  • Brian Albrecht
    February 2, 2018 at 3:55 pm

    #fifth

    • gfldgadfly
      February 2, 2018 at 6:25 pm

      Don’t you have a plow route you should be out doing? Or did all your accounts ditch you when TB posted your Registry profile?

      • Brian Albrecht
        February 3, 2018 at 8:37 am

        what the fuck are you talking about?

  • Brian Albrecht
    February 2, 2018 at 3:55 pm

    #fourth

  • Brian Albrecht
    February 2, 2018 at 3:55 pm

    #third

  • Brian Albrecht
    February 2, 2018 at 3:54 pm

    #second

  • Brian Albrecht
    February 2, 2018 at 3:54 pm

    #first

  • Brian Albrecht
    February 2, 2018 at 3:51 pm

    that geek looks like he is frm worcester or provincetown or some blantantly homosexual part of the country like that. I would like to do to this fruit what I do to all worcester creampuffs. I’d hit him with an uppercut gut punch, followed by ripping his shirt untucked and over his head, and then follow that up with a knockout right hook. Then Id take his girl and stuff her like a Thanksgiving Turkey as I do every girl Uncle Randy has even thought about.

    You betta believe it

    if anyeone has a problem with nething ive said or doesnt believe me I will be at the Dive Bar in worcester this wknd. If any of u Worcester Launchpads feel like swallowing ur teeth, just come in my general vicinity.

    • Uncle Randy
      February 2, 2018 at 4:00 pm

      You going to invite me over to stuff you out again?

      • Brian Albrecht
        February 2, 2018 at 4:55 pm

        Why would you come by? you fucking fruit salad
        If you’re even thinking of coming by ill give you my address right now
        #pussy
        #trashassnigga
        #fuckyou

        • I'm local and have zero fks to give.
          February 3, 2018 at 1:01 am

          Where in Weymouth are you?
          Hang out by Columbian Square?

          • Brian Albrecht
            February 3, 2018 at 8:36 am

            Federal ave, near the bk. But I be in colombian square all the time, you got an issue assshole?

      • Brian’s Battered Boyfriend
        February 2, 2018 at 5:49 pm

        Please stop antagonizing Brian. You’re not actually hurting him; you’re hurting me. Yesterday, my Brian got so angry about what you mean people were saying about him, he beat me like up; just like he used to get beat up in high school. I am a bloody mess today. 

        If you have any decency in you, please stop being mean to Brian, and just agree with everything that he says. Let him post whatever he wants, and don’t engage him in debate. He will only get angry again, and make me suffer for it. 

        I love Brian with all my heart, and know that he only hits me out of love. He’s passionate like that. 

        Thank you for your consideration. 

    • Hugh Jass
      February 2, 2018 at 4:03 pm

      Why do I think are 5’4″ all around, Brian? Snicker…

    • Brian licks hughs ass
      February 2, 2018 at 5:49 pm

      You ever pick up your teeth with broken fingers lol! Such a tough guy 

    • Bret
      February 2, 2018 at 11:37 pm

      Shut the fuck up shitdick..
      I bet your pussy smells like an ashtray….lol
      Fuckin cunt

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