All-Star Criminals

Grimy Grundlemuffin Finds Forgotten Phone In Medical Transportation Van, Orders Herself A Brand New Laptop On Elderly Cancer Patient’s Dime, Wisely Sends The Evidence Right To The Victim

Let me pose a hypothetical question. Or, more like….a choose your-own-adventure story. The junkie-from-Everett edition.So pretty much, your crippling drug addiction and dead brain cells are going to choose for you, and the only possible ending is being shamed relentlessly on Turtleboy.


This should be fun.

Let’s say that you are this withered epic-level velociratchet from the mean streets of Everett/wherever Diego is selling his blue magic on the low. Your name is Christine Gale, and you look like you live off crackrocks and embalming fluid.

It’s a bright, beautiful and hazy summer morning, and you need a ride. You roll out of whatever gutter you crawled into the night before, dust off the grave dirt from your sunken-in eyeholes, and call yourself up a Masshealth-funded lift to get your daily dose of complimentary government liquid handcuffs. While you’re licking the windows and mopping up the drool on your chin while riding to grab your dose so you can get your busy day of loitering around 7/11 parking lots in between bargain blowie shifts behind the Wendy’s dumpster started, you happen to notice a cell phone sitting on the floor beneath you. It’s not yours.  What do you do?

A. Alert the driver and return the phone so that hopefully he can contact his previous fare and give it back?

B. Ignore it and hope he notices it later?

C. Grab it and drop it off at the police station nearest to the street corner you’re working that day?

D. Nothing – you are pretty much catatonic 19 out of the 24 hours of the day.


Whatever you picked – Wrong!

I was just kidding, that was clearly a trick question!

You snatch that bitch up faster than the DCF fairy snatched yo’ babies for reasons totally unrelated to whatever has caused you to perpetually look like a reanimated corpse –

Now do you:

A. Use it to call your boy Z to borrow $10 and a ride to Fall River?

B. Trade it to the nearest skinny white kid in a bulls hat you see for a nickle back of dope?

C. Stash it in your gaping cooze-clutch until you get enough five dollar handjobs done to earn a day’s keep for yourself?



You slither on back with that stolen phone to the basement skankhole-lair you’ve temporarily converted into your Castle Greyskull, Skelawhore;


And you exhale a deep sigh, full of relief and the stale blunt roach you found lodged under your sweaty left tit, confident that you’ve gotten away safely.  Neither the cops, nor the rightful owner will ever follow the putrid snail trail you leave in your wake to locate you, your sticky fingers, or the cell phone you happened to have permanently borrowed from an elderly lady with bladder cancer. Nope, they’re definitely not going to do that.

Mainly because there is modern day GPS technology that can track down a lost or stolen device in half the time, with none of the HIV.


You, of course, are too stupid to fully realize or understand this. Your life is a never-ending cycle of short-sighted incompetence and perpetual homeless begging, and you can never see more than an hour ahead, anyway.



Besides, you’re not even capable of stringing together a coherent thought or sentence – not even once.


So you don’t have many reasoning skills to work with here.

In fact, you are such a hopeless ignoramus that you mistakenly refer to the hole in your child’s face where you are supposed to put food but have invariably failed to do so until the State had to take over over……as, inexplicably……


A “Mouth Ass”. Punctuation is so important, but then again, so is integrity, and you’re fresh out of both. So you take a look at yourself and ask, “Do I give a fuck?”

Of course you don’t. You didn’t get this far on intelligence, class and self-awareness. And by this far, of course, I mean “back from the methadone clinic to your sisters basement, with an iphone you lifted off a Masshealth transport van and are currently rifling through like a dirty possum in a garbage bag.”

Do you….?

Fuck it, I’m going to tell you what you do.

You keep your toothless mouth ass shut, you search through that phone you stole from an old lady battling a terrible, progressive illness until you find some sort of financial information you can exploit before throwing that bitch into a mall kiosk, collecting your $60 for a 50-rock of crack and a pack of Maverick Menthol Light 100s.  Then you find it – a Fingerhut account, logged in and ready for the taking. So you pull your next brilliant move, and order yourself the best laptop with express shipping that $380.97 can buy.  You wisely ship it to your address, which is the same address the phone has been traced to, in your own government name. It’s not like to actual account holder is going to receive an email copy of the receipt or anything.


You don’t know that. All you know is you just got to spend more in five minutes than you’ve been able to collect in welfare for the whole month since those social workers came in and took off with 2/3 of your income!

But at least you’re a brilliant scam artist with great long-term planning skills, a new laptop on the way, and rock-solid, unshakable morals and values. Oh, and a completely realistic understanding of your own merit, valor and worth, too.

You rock, your horrifying wax-museum-looking clamcake!

But, wait a minute…. as you sit there in your sister’s stank tank of a basement, ripping butts and anxiously awaiting the first time you’ll be on the receiving end of  an HP and not HPV, this happens:

Your misdeed is discovered! How did they do that? You haven’t left your basement hideout for days, thanks to the apathy that comes with mainlining black tar heroin and the paranoia that’s brought by lifting some stranger’s mail-order catalog credit off a stolen cellphone. What kind of magic is this? Maybe your cellar dwelling really is bugged by the CIA?

Well, fuck it – you’re just going to play dumb. You stole that credit info fair and square,

and they didn’t even offer you an award for returning any of it. It’s just a cellphone at $380, not a two-dollar bill.


Unfortunately for you, the rightful owners knew where to reach Turtleboy. So now here we are, hypothetical (and real) Christine. You’re outed as the slimy, grimy grundlemuffin who stole from a terminally ill little old lady, and now everyone knows about it. You probably should’ve just picked options A-C, but you didn’t, and now everyone knows you’re a scumbag. Tough luck, Scabs the Clown.



You were doing such a good job at hiding it, too.

44 Comment(s)
  • Savage Squaw Bitch
    August 14, 2019 at 3:58 pm

    Cleverly written, Bristol. I was having some serious LOL moments throughout this article!

  • Fupa Slayer
    August 14, 2019 at 1:23 pm

    How old is this sewer rat anyways?
    “The deed is done?” I can’t even imagine what task was performed for a bag of crack. :::letting my mind wander:::
    “Thanks for letting me squat in your basement?” such class.
    This entire posting is giving me the feels. I wonder how Grundlemuffin is taking it?
    Thank you Turtleboy for again, making my damn day. <3

  • Hugh-Bo Mont
    August 14, 2019 at 1:20 pm

    When the zombie apocalypse happens, she won’t have worry.

    Also, I bet I know who locks their phone now.

  • Julie the Jarhead
    August 14, 2019 at 12:01 pm

    According to PeopleFinders, if it’s the same Christine Gail (with an ‘i’), she’s 47.

    • Savage Squaw Bitch
      August 14, 2019 at 3:56 pm

      There’s no way that’s the same person. The woman above is clearly no younger than 700.

    • Wrong one
      August 15, 2019 at 6:12 pm

      It’s last name is Gale, not Gail

  • SassySwede
    August 14, 2019 at 11:40 am

    I think y’all need to add a “warning…do not attempt eating immediately before, during or after reading” to this type of article which includes such photogenic road kill.
    While fighting not to recycle my brekkie, all I could think was that it looked liked some unidentifiable jungle beast with a shrunken head. (It May mean I’m old, but I remember making them out of carved apples in the oven lol)

    Personally, I think the state should start a chain gang program for all these lovelies who don’t get prison time. Just think of all the free labor community service this type of program could do for counties!!
    Now Please excuse me while I go in search of Pepto…

  • Seed bag
    August 14, 2019 at 11:02 am

    She….. Is…. Disgusting!… That is all

  • He Man
    August 14, 2019 at 9:28 am

    Just don’t read enough “He Man” references these days.
    “Skelawhore” is an instant classic!

  • wareham wendy's dm
    August 14, 2019 at 7:13 am

    I have a job app with her name on it

  • Dick Scratcher
    August 14, 2019 at 2:57 am

    Good grief!

    It’s Crystalmeth Gayle, with her latest hit single “Don’t It Make My Brown Eyes Black”.

    • ncfoothillbilly
      August 14, 2019 at 11:49 am

      Ill venture a bet that her ‘brown eye’ is black AND blue.

  • Liz Warrens New Campaign Slogan
    August 13, 2019 at 11:03 pm

    Fuck da PoPo

  • I’m sure it wouldn’t help anyway
    August 13, 2019 at 10:22 pm

    Lmfao!! I just figured out why she looks so strange besides the fact she is a bag of diseases, she has no eyebrows!! She can’t even take the effort that most ugly chicks take and draw some sharpie lines on her nasty mug.

  • Klancy
    August 13, 2019 at 9:26 pm

    Damn. She’s not just a hard 40 something, she’s what gets shipped to Harvard Med when folks don’t have money so the students can practice on cadavers.
    AND she just moved up in the world from Fall River.

    I need a shower.

  • Grim Reaper
    August 13, 2019 at 8:35 pm

    Her photos are truly terrifying! One foot in the grave.

  • thought it was a tranny at first
    August 13, 2019 at 8:29 pm

    How old do you think this pile of dog puke is? I’m gonna guess she hasn’t even hit 40 yet looks as though she just crawled out of a grave after decomposing for years. Lord help us. My favorite part was reading her Facebook post, “make sure I look good to meet people for the apartment” this woman has had many many STD’s I guarantee it.

  • Granny
    August 13, 2019 at 7:55 pm

    Very insulting to the only New England marsupial.

  • That Girl Was Me
    August 13, 2019 at 7:46 pm

    Who needs a scarecrow when you can just plop her next to your plants.

  • Turdchomper
    August 13, 2019 at 7:44 pm

    She’s grimmy

    • PluckTooMuch
      August 13, 2019 at 9:44 pm

      Now stop that before you get radded…. Dude, where’s her eyebrows!?! Skelewhore…..brahahhahaha!!!!!

  • Frank Rizzo
    August 13, 2019 at 6:54 pm

    Wadda fukkin hag

  • Captain Trips
    August 13, 2019 at 6:49 pm

    Good one from Rodney Dangerfield that applies to her perfectly:

    “I know I’m not good looking. On Halloween, I answer the door, and the kids give ME candy!”

  • Mom’s Basement
    August 13, 2019 at 5:26 pm

    $300/month? Damn yuppies always gentrifying everything…

  • Lost in Everett
    August 13, 2019 at 5:24 pm

    Is someone helping the victim? I.e., has law enforcement been advised of the crime? Amazing how those seemingly so completely dysfunctional can be so adept at using the latest technology to rip someone else off….

    • Angry daughter
      August 16, 2019 at 3:22 pm

      Everett police went to her house but “no one was home” they also suggested we go to Malden police because that’s where my mom lives but Malden can’t do anything, jurisdiction reasons. Nothing is being done and she is still trying to get into apps and accounts. My mom gets the notifications when she tries to sign in. Just shitty that people can do this and nothing is done.

      • She will get hers
        August 17, 2019 at 11:04 am

        I am very sorry this is even something you have to deal with on top of everything else with your mother being ill. This rotten waste can not get away with doing this to your mother. Something has to be done. This is disgusting on so many levels. I swear I would find myself a junkie and seriously offer them money to beat the living fuck out of her. Tell them payment after proof of job. I know some people may not agree with that, but sometimes pigs like this don’t learn a lesson no matter what, so at least get some satisfaction from it. Again I’m sorry for everything you and your family and especially your mother is going thru. God bless her

  • Liawatha
    August 13, 2019 at 4:36 pm

    Two idiots robbed her medical driver and is a CHILD MOLESTER, who robs everyday! She lost her son but is clean and still fighting! How could she have possibly had a house raided when she hadn’t lived there for 1 to 1 1/2 years!
    I can’t believe how grimmy people are either, Christine!

    • TheCureForHope
      August 13, 2019 at 5:00 pm

      Sorry, her house was ‘radded’ Not raided!

  • Judge dread
    August 13, 2019 at 4:14 pm

    She looks like half the people I see on the streets of SFO. The walking dead. Zombies. They are the ones that turn your million dollar hood into a six fig hood cuz they dump trash and syringes everywhere.

    I won’t go back there for a while.

  • Gutter Muppet Honey
    August 13, 2019 at 4:00 pm

    Yes to all of this. Fuck this Tales From The Crypt Creature.

  • A
    August 13, 2019 at 2:29 pm

    “dust off the grave dirt from your sunken-in eyeholes” —– Bristol, this is GOLD!!

  • Batman
    August 13, 2019 at 2:27 pm

    Once again you out did yourself miss Bristol. Your writing style evokes vivid images, bravo. What a twat.

  • Judge dread
    August 13, 2019 at 2:10 pm

    Tick tock tick tock.


  • Art R.
    August 13, 2019 at 1:46 pm


  • Gash Basher
    August 13, 2019 at 1:35 pm

    Great title to the blog. 0 errors

    • Bristol Turtlechick
      August 13, 2019 at 2:24 pm

      Yeah, I know….I caught that. I really need a proofreader, or even just some basic proofreading skills myself. Twenty lashes, right away.

      • Gash Basher
        August 13, 2019 at 2:33 pm

        I just assumed you were inspired by Ms. Gale’s writing style

      • Batman
        August 13, 2019 at 6:27 pm

        Hey Bristol, could you shed any light on why my name went green in my above comment? No idea why that happened and don’t think it was on my end?

        • Robin
          August 13, 2019 at 7:06 pm

          That was the Riddler joking around again!

          • Batman
            August 13, 2019 at 7:20 pm

            The bastard!!!!

      • Liawatha
        August 13, 2019 at 7:58 pm

        Bristol, you should not respond to commenters with such disrespectful monikers.

        • robert perkins
          August 14, 2019 at 10:24 am

          Liawatha , you should grow a set of titties, you fucken skanky flat-assed alcoholic liberal crotch licker

  • Independent Thinker
    August 13, 2019 at 1:29 pm

    What the hell is wrong with people? If you find someone’s wallet or phone, return it to them. It’s only right. And taking advantage of the elderly or disabled is the lowest you can get. The world would be a better place if these kinds of people did not exist.

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