All-Star Criminals

Gutterslugs Forcefully Rob Norwich Liquor Store, Get ID’d on Facebook, Bad Guy’s Mom Accuses Store Owner Of Racism Denies He Stole Booze, Then Finds Out He Was Arrested

Gutterslugs Forcefully Rob Norwich Liquor Store, Get ID’d on Facebook, Bad Guy’s Mom Accuses Store Owner Of Racism Denies He Stole Booze, Then Finds Out He Was Arrested

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Apparently not everything was closed yesterday during super storm Stella. A liquor store in Norwich CT was open for business, and a trio of local ratchtacular grimeballs wanted some booze, they just didn’t wanna pay for it:

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Within hours the cops knew who they were and they were all under arrest:

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What a bunch of winners!! How bout that last chick? I could write a blog on that chick’s forehead!! Not ABOUT her forehead, literally ON her forehead. Pictures and ads included. Holy moly!! Jet Blue could open up a new hub on that thing. If you’re gonna rob a liquor store in broad daylight, you gotta do something to cover up the most distinguishable things about your appearance. Rookies.

Anyway, I love how the other chick’s name is Justis Little. So perfect. But Justis doesn’t believe that justice has prevailed:

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I love it when they show up on the police page to defend their honor. That always goes swimmingly. Especially when they’re claiming they didn’t steal a bottle of booze from a liquor store, but they posted this a few days ago:

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Justis is none too pleased that people started tagging her in the original post, which helped the Norwich PD identify her and bring her to “Justis”:

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Not sure what 90% of that means, but it’s pretty convincing. Not guilty!! Free my boi!!

The other two – Kayla Burgess and Tristian Irvin – made the wise decision to stay far away from the Norwich PD page. But Tristians’s mother did not heed this advice. Instead she went on there to defend her son’s honor, which always convinces people that the cause you are fighting for is just and honorable. For instance, Jackie Rodriguez, Tristian’s mother, claimed that her son din du nuffin. As a matter of fact, it was the racist store owner’s fault for grabbing her choir boy of a son, calling him a “dirty Mexican,” and accusing him of stealing a bottle of liquor he had every intention of paying for:

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Yea, I’m sure that’s definitely what happened. Because it’s not like the cops reviewed the tapes and saw everything that transpired. Nah, they just took the word of a racist store owner and arrested the Mexican kid for shits and giggles.


She was just getting warmed up though. Next Jackie pointed out the fact that the “Boston police are better, caring and more smarter”:

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It’s true. Everyone knows BPD is the most smartest police force around. Maybe if your son moved to Boston and started robbing liquor stores there he wouldn’t have a court date in his near future. That would’ve been the more smarter thing for him to do.

This was my favorite exchange. Before her son’s mugshot was posted people had already identified him in the comments. Momma bear insisted they were wrong, and insisted that her son could not have committed this crime and been arrested. Then some guy at the police station stated otherwise:

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Just a reminder, Facebook does offer the option of deleting comments, specifically for instances like this when you look so, so dumb, and you just wanna make it all go away.

Then she insisted that they hadn’t stolen any alcohol, and they had merely been detained, not arrested, only to realize later on in that conversation that she was wrong once again:

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Then after she came to grips with the fact that her kid robbed a liquor store (despite the fact that she had defended him so vociferously), she did the only thing a good mother could do – called out the snitches:

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“Even at my age I wouldn’t snitch anyone out.” Well, your kid is 23, which means you’re probably 38. And if you’re a 38 year old who is still sticking the code of “no snitching” then you should probably reevaluate your life choices. Either that or just go full junior hoodrat and change your profile picture to the dog filter. Just sayin.



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11 Comment(s)
  • KimberlyS
    March 15, 2017 at 3:19 pm

    At least they’re all of legal drinking age – wouldn’t want to have that added to the charges!

  • Talisman
    March 15, 2017 at 2:40 pm

    You’re right TB, you could show a movie on that forehead, and make it a drive in.
    The genius mom with the Mensa spawn is fucking hilarious. Not my boi! Well he was der, but dinotadoonuffin. Well mieda, he was arresticated, ima devistatedestupido…

    • JohnnyO.
      March 15, 2017 at 3:26 pm

      It’s called a fivehead. Just like a forehead, only bigger.

  • Strata
    March 15, 2017 at 2:18 pm

    Hey Jackie, I hope your a victim of a crime where a bona fide witness that could bring justice keeps their mouth shut. Anti snitching morons

  • ZephyrCat
    March 15, 2017 at 2:11 pm

    Jesus Christ! The no snitching thing. Again. Love the picture with him and his mom. Beer in hand and a dopey ass grin probably because he’s starting to get a boner. No alcohol problem though, the beer is just a prop. Here’s a fine example of what happens when a 15 year old has a kid. It grows up to be….tristian irvin. Future nobel prize winner. Absentee daddy shoulda pulled out and let sperm-tristian drip on his momma’s face.
    And justis little- At the end of the day this happens to all the best people! HAHAHAHA!!! Yeah, I think every supreme court justice was busted for stealing liquor! It’s on all their resumes! Because “at the end of the day it happens to all the best people”!!!

  • Waste of oxygen
    March 15, 2017 at 2:07 pm

    More of the same, deadbeats and malcontents.

  • BobnMic
    March 15, 2017 at 2:06 pm

    I’m a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and…I like to kiss my own butt.

  • Turd Burglestein
    March 15, 2017 at 2:06 pm

    Correction : Smell like GREASY fried green bananas………….firsties!

  • Turd Burglestein
    March 15, 2017 at 2:03 pm

    Wood! The trick to a girl like Justice is simple. Puerto Rican girls are hot while they are young but by the time they’re 35 they are fat, unemployed and smell like fried green babanas.

    • Professor Meth's Drooping Mooseknuckle
      March 15, 2017 at 2:09 pm

      You know who else is fat & unemployed? And although my snatch smells more like rotten mackeral, I can fit an entire banana tree up in there and still have room to fist myself….with both hands.

    • Turd Burglestein
      March 15, 2017 at 2:30 pm

      Speaking of babanas, or maybe bananas, that gets me to thinking about Puerto Rican boys and their stiff pricks….mmmhmmm….that’s the shit that get my old cholesterol-lumpy blood flowing! You think I could entice a young island fella with my clammy complexion and doughy body? Maybe if I show a wad of singles from my oxy transactions I could get to see that meat muscle between his thighs. Mamacita, send your young boy my way!

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