All-Star Criminals

Hector Hennessy Gets Shitcocked, Smashes Into Pole On Route 9 In Leicester, Tries To Walk Away, Fails DUI Test With Ghetto Hokey Pokey Rendition


Some folks in People of Leicester Facebook group were trying to find out why their lights went out yesterday around 7.

Lots of people had the same issue, and it turns out there was a perfectly reasonable explanation.

Yea, just go ahead and walk away. It’s not like you just crashed into a utility pole on Route 9 and left your truck abandoned in a bush where Cherry Valley townsfolk are left to gawk at it in their formal pajama pants.

Thank God he wasn’t smoking pot. That’s dangerous.

Pretend to be talking on your cell phone while you’re walking away and no one will notice what you just did.

If anyone tries telling you to go back just tell them to fuck off.

None of their business anyway.

This guy could’ve walked in any direction after the crash, but of course Hector Hennessy was drawn like a maggot on Erika Murray’s guest room mattress directly towards…..

If that’s not a metaphor for Worcester I don’t know what is.

But alas the Leicester po-po did catch up to him.


He failed his DUI test worse than the Fall River Guttermuppet’s crotch fruit on MCAS day.

The best part is the cop didn’t even look at him once during the test. I don’t even think he was asked to do a sobriety test. He just did it on his own in a vain attempt to prove that the pungent odor of Mad Dog 20/20 and blunt wraps were actually a new cologne they’re selling at the mini mart next to Plumley Village.

Should’ve kept walking to Worcester bruh. At least you could’ve blended in there for a couple hours. Odds that the car is actually registered to him anyway are slim to none anyway.

As humorous as this was Hector Hennessy is obviously a huge piece of shit and a clear and present danger to society. This is a major throughway used by pretty much the entire towns of Leicester, Spencer, the Brookfields, and Webster Square. If he crashed in the same spot a second or two before or after he did he easily could’ve smashed into another car coming in the opposite direction and killed someone. People who drive drunk like this on a Tuesday at this time aren’t first timers. They’re full fledged alcoholics. I have no idea who he is, but if you do then let us know.


Please consider supporting local journalism by donating to the Turtle fund:

Follow us on Youtube, SoundCloud, Twitter, and Facebook.

Hello Turtle Riders. As you know if you follow Turtleboy we are constantly getting censored and banned by Facebook for what are clearly not violations of their terms of service. Twitter has done the same, and trolls mass reported our blog to Google AdSense thousands of times, leading to demonitization. We can get by and survive, but we could really use your help. Please consider donating by hitting the PayPal button above if you’d like support free speech and what we do in the face of Silicon Valley censorship. Or just buy our award winning book about the dangers of censorship and rise of Turtleboy: 


11 Comment(s)
  • WHUD FM 100.7
    June 26, 2019 at 11:29 am

    So much for a ballerina boy.

  • First Time Caller
    June 26, 2019 at 10:46 am

    Shit, been singing the Hokey Pokey since yesterday. Thanks for that ear worm…
    But that really was funny, so I guess it’s worth it

  • dowen0895
    Dick Scratcher
    June 26, 2019 at 7:53 am

    Limerick of the day

    A stupid, drunk moron from Leicester
    Clearly needed to blow a breath-tester
    The chud didn’t stop
    And was grabbed by a cop
    Then he danced like a fucking court jester

    Dick Scratcher, aged 34 and a potato

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    June 25, 2019 at 9:41 pm

    Watch me occifer I’m a ballerina! I’ll do a pirouette for you!

  • Michael Johnson
    True justice
    June 25, 2019 at 9:10 pm

    The remix made my day. Thank you!

  • Judge will let him go easy
    June 25, 2019 at 7:04 pm

    He is used to drunk driving mopeds on the island. Not in trucks. Not his fault. We didn’t teach him how to drunk drive pickups when he came here illegally. Of course a Worcester resident. Dem’s will probably be voting for this guy in 2020.

  • Boring
    June 25, 2019 at 6:46 pm

    Watching the video, I thought he would at least try to run or swing at the first cop.

  • Ted Baxter
    June 25, 2019 at 6:37 pm

    A dui when it is still that light out. Must have been a hard day at work. He ha.

  • hartf811
    June 25, 2019 at 4:23 pm

    This is clearly another case of a Ford pickup truck driven by a dindu trying to escape to the forest.
    It was embarrassed to be driven by a bootlip.
    Dindus and pickups don’t mix. Like black Olympic ski jumpers or dindu goalies on the Russian National hockey team, they are rarer than a blue lobster. Dogs are angry that they have a EBT owner. They want to be with white people. Same with the truck.

  • The Name Game
    June 25, 2019 at 2:58 pm

    “Some things run, some don’t turn on, fan runs slow…”. Uh, hey, you don’t need to be an Edison to recognize a brownout; instead of Facebook-musing, how about you unplug your computers and refrigerators? Worst thing for motors and cheap power supplies is low line voltage, and the symptom of a damaged line was pretty obvious. Sorry, had to get that out of the way. (Not to mention the videographer [thanks, BTW!] deciding midstream to rotate phone 90 deg without stopping first.)
    Other than that, great ratchet report!

    • ncfoothillbilly
      June 25, 2019 at 7:18 pm

      Thanks for saving me some typing about the motors. Facebook must be maintained at all costs, even if it means a new computer because you fried the old one. But, hey, facebook users arent the brightest lot in the world.
      That line about the ‘formal pajama pants’…nice…lol

Comment on this Post


White Trash Hero Wears T-Shirt With His Mugshot On It From Last Time He Was Arrested At Latest Mugshot Photoshoot
Tsarnaev Sister Threatened Boyfriend’s Ex With A Bomb Because She’s A Muslim Terrorist And A Tsarnaev And This Is What They Do Best
Ladies Night At TBSports: Will Women Read Our Official Rankings Of NFL Teams Blog?