Here’s What $80K Will Do For You if You’re a Run-Down Economic Backwater Full of SJW Dipshits, Rednecks, and Wannabe Gangsters

Here’s What $80K Will Do For You if You’re a Run-Down Economic Backwater Full of SJW Dipshits, Rednecks, and Wannabe Gangsters

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Western Massachusetts. AKA Western Mass, AKA Pioneer Valley. It doesn’t matter what you call it, it’s still pretty boring and insignificant. It can be a great place to live, that is if you’re able to earn a living as a SJW dipstick college professor, by splitting and delivering firewood, or if you’re willing to juggle three jobs between restaurants and coffee shops as you grumble to the world for being down on your luck despite having a master’s degree in Guatemalan Feminist Poetry.

If you actually own a business in the Commonwealth’s western region, you may consider squeezing your margins even slimmer than they already are and paying to join one of the local industry groups that promote the area to outsiders. The Greater Springfield Convention & Visitors Bureau and the Economic Development Council of Western Massachusetts don’t actually tell you what it costs to join, but you can bet it’s quite the bargain once they call you to tell you the cost after you’ve provided them with your personal information. Join now, and get a free Shamwow. BUT WAIT… THERE’S MORE

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For these two stellar organizations, obviously run by very outstanding and competent people, something was missing. It wasn’t the fact that the region’s largest city and economic hub, Springfield, is a run-down hellhole shooting gallery full of shitbags. Nor was it the factory jobs that are missing from the nearby factory town of Holyoke (also a run-down hellhole full of shitbags).

Nope, apparently it was the name. The area was long overdue for a new name. Change it, and they will come. A poop sandwich will taste just like a Boston cream pie if only you change its name.

So the two aforementioned outstanding organizations did what most any institution does with piles of other people’s money and limited accountability: They hired consultants.

For the bargain-basement price of $80,000 in membership dues and state grant money, they paid Cubic Creative, a firm from Tulsa, Oklahoma (another crappy, insignificant place with little going for it) to spend an entire year to come up with the brilliant idea that Western Mass will completely turn itself around if only the ‘ern’ is dropped from ‘Western’ and it’s written in clip art font from some freeware downloaded to a Macbook.


Look at this bunch of boners.

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These are the edgy, whacky, zany ding-dongs from Cubic that took a whole lot of money and did a whole lot of nothing. Woody Allen hipster glasses, jean jackets, and pubes growing from chins galore. Shouldn’t a quick peruse through their horribly-designed website with animated photos of them acting like jackasses have been a red flag as to why they might not be the best crew for the job? Just sayin’.

And then there’s this, the video used to launch the whole debacle, expertly crafted by Holyoke 3rd-stringer DJ Steve Porter.


Watching that makes me want to strip naked, slap a handful of bacon grease on my backside, walk into the showers at MCI Shirley, and shout “Have at it, boys!” Because that’s more or less what happened to every business that’s ever paid membership dues to the Greater Springfield Convention & Visitors Bureau and the Economic Development Council of Western Massachusetts. They just didn’t have the courtesy to use the bacon grease. Rather, they used a handful of oily metal shavings swept off the floor from one of the old closed-down factories in ‘West Mass’.

Nice video, you touchholes. “F-F-F-F-FRANKLIN COUNTY! H-H-H-HAMPSHIRE COUNTY! D-D-D-DIVERSITY! …IN THE 4-1-3!” It’s just embarrassing.

But this is constructive criticism. Here are a few suggestions for the sequel video:




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So, there you have it. If you want to piss some money away, the Greater Springfield Convention & Visitors Bureau and the Economic Development Council of Western Massachusetts have you covered. If you really want to fuck everything all up, just make sure you put Cubic Creative and DJ Steve on the job. And if you want to get a shitty job or run a business into the ground, West Mass is the place to be.



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20 Comment(s)
  • Princeza groupie
    May 1, 2017 at 10:26 am

    Wendy Michelle ever consider a career move to meet a legend ?

  • Woodiculous
    February 28, 2017 at 8:13 am

    I think that the guy with the fire extinguisher in the third photo might be Tom Quinn from WoMag.

    Laughing girl has a nice rack.

    Tulsa is kinda OK. Far superior to “WestMass!” I met a super hot cowgirl from there in Vegas, so I am heavily biased.

    At least the Worcester Chamber can control the government with your dues. You actually get something for your money.

    A little less wordy next time, 413TB (your new name), but keeper.
    Thats all I got.

  • matt
    February 28, 2017 at 5:18 am

    80k is a bargain look at what worcester gets for 200k a has been corrupt pol forced to resign who doesn’t have the imagination to come up with a credible lie “checking storm damage” in the middle of the night. We need someone who can market high taxes, poor schools and rising crime. Perhaps “Detroit of the 21st century” maybe that is a contest turtleboy could sponsor. “Worcester is great look at fitchburg” “Nightmare on every street” or Jetblue “strong armed again, can’t we just expand at Logan” Hanson airport “Go to worcester they will take anything” winner gets interferon

  • Princeza Groupie
    February 27, 2017 at 9:58 pm

    Wendy Michelle is hot as hell. But sadly second best to my true love.

  • Stu Pidazzo
    February 27, 2017 at 4:55 pm

    Started out a little slow, but very strong finish. Overall: B. Keep ‘413 Turtleboy’ on.

  • Cat Vomit Tango
    February 27, 2017 at 4:37 pm

    Should re-brand their company name to Cubic Zirconia….”We’re bright and shiny on the outside, but synthetic and fake on the inside.”

  • Wabbitt
    February 27, 2017 at 3:37 pm

    413 Turtleboy is a keeper.

  • Joe
    February 27, 2017 at 3:01 pm

    2 of the pics in that video are Mt. Holyoke College and some musuem at Amherst College, if that’s their attempt of luring tourists then that’s pretty lame.

    • XYZAffair
      February 28, 2017 at 11:01 am

      The other pic is at a gay bar in Easthampton which I think is closed

  • I hate stupid people.
    February 27, 2017 at 2:56 pm

    Must be the same company that decided to call Great Wolf Lodge Fitchburg…. Great Wolf Lodge BOSTON/Fitchburg. Can you imagine being from the Midwest (no not Mass) seeing Great Wolf Lodge BOSTON/Fitchburg, thinking Fitchburg was a Suburb of Boston and booking a room for a week figuring you could visit BOSTON a few times during the week. Only to find out you are at lest an hour from BOSTON.

    1 h 12 min (47.1 mi)
    via MA-2 W

    1 h 13 min (56.9 mi) via I-495 S and MA-2 W

    1 h 19 min (59.7 mi) via I-90 W

    Oh and you are stuck in the beautiful FITCHBURG area for a week. Don’t go into downtown you might get robbed. Great Wolf Lodge made you a suprise prisoner for a week.

    I know the 413 is a good area and all just stay outta MOST of Springfield otherwise you might get robbed. Hell I worked 3 blocks from the Basketball Hall of Fame and we were finding 9mm casings and needles in the damn parking lot where we were working.
    That 2:15 minute video was all 5 things you can safely do in the 413 shown 30 times each. If I didn’t know any better and I saw that video I would think that West Mass was a great place. I feel bad for the Family from some town out in the Midwest that gets suckered into coming to West Mass….LMAO

    • ZephyrCat
      February 27, 2017 at 3:28 pm

      LOL you’re so right about the Fitchburg Boston thing. That would suck! It’s not even close to Boston. LOL

    • Lola Bunny
      February 27, 2017 at 8:59 pm

      That video was a joke. I worked in downtown Springfield for years. Saw people get beat up, robbed, and saw a guy get shot (and he died on the sidewalk). I left pretty soon after that. So ya- “find your first…” yup my first real live murder scene.
      Keep 413 TB!

  • Southie 5 Iron
    February 27, 2017 at 2:52 pm

    Is this kinda like the City of Worcester paying the Chamber of Commerce $500,000 a year to promote tourism in Worcester? With or without extra life insurance

  • Brian Albrecht The Real One
    February 27, 2017 at 2:48 pm

    I’m just rolling around Weymouth hoping I catch one you fucking faggots slipping. I FUCKING DARE ONE OF YOU CLOWNS TO COME MEET ME. I’ll knock your fucking head to moon you insufferable Worcester trash.

    • I hate stupid people.
      February 27, 2017 at 3:03 pm

      Yup then there is this MORON. Hey I got an idea pal. MAKE A WEYMOUTH is hardcore video for all of us. We need the BRIAN ALBREHCT HARDCORE WEYMOUTH video. I hope you CAN READ THIS because I randomly CAPITALIZED SOME words for you.

      Let’s get some other name suggestions in the form of a hastag for this MEATSTICKS video. I’ll start.


    • MrSmiley
      February 27, 2017 at 3:14 pm

      SSTG. And TBS own Brian’s itty bitty brain.

    • Brian Albrecht The Gay One
      February 27, 2017 at 4:46 pm

      I’m just rolling around Weymouth hoping I can find a faggot to slip a fist up my asshole and tickle the back of my tonsils. I FUCKING DARE ONE OF YOU HOMOS TO PUT THEIR FIST UP IN THERE. I’LL FART SO HARD YOUR ROTATOR CUFF WILL BE DESTROYED AS YOUR ARM SPINS AROUND LIKE A BIG GAY CLOCK!!!!!

    • MrSmiley
      February 27, 2017 at 9:28 pm

      You’ve got your work cut out for you in the legendary troll contest. Keep it going though. Your stupidity provides entertainment.

  • ZephyrCat
    February 27, 2017 at 2:29 pm

    My city did something similar. Threw $25 grand at some shithole media group out of florida for some tourism video. Shoulda just lit a pile of cash on fire and had a bonfire on the town green. Turtlefolks are forgetting one thing: all the migrants dumped into Springfield until the mayor started begging these “religious groups” accepting federal money to stop putting illiterate somalis and syrians into the lovely city. Please, please check out, Anne Corcoran runs the site and explains how immigration is enriching the culture in Mass.

  • GraftonHillGirl
    February 27, 2017 at 2:27 pm

    What gets me slightly butthurt is that “Pioneer Valley” and the “West Mass” they all talk about isn’t even the western most part of the fucking state. I’d say it’s like 3/4’s of the way to NY, but you have to go through some ritzy SJW’s to hit NY. Especially Great Barrington, Williamstown, and Lenox.

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