All-Star Criminals

Holden Landmark’s Top 10 Police Calls Of The Week From The Mean Streets Of Sterling, Paxton, Rutland, Princeton, And Holden

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Editor’s Note: We are actively looking for new bloggers at Turtleboy Sports. This is one of them. Feel free to send us something if you’d like to contribute. 

If you think you’ve got problems in Worcester or Springfield or Brockton or Lawrence, think again. You ain’t seen nothing like the mean streets of Holden, Rutland, Sterling, Princeton, and Paxton. That’s right, every week the Holden Landmark lists each and every call the police received, and shit gets pretty real, pretty quick. Here’s our Top 10 police calls for this week……

10. Paxton 


You might think this isn’t a big deal, but it is. First they start climbing trees. Then kids start using foul language. Then the whores come in. The next thing you know you’re Detroit.


9. Paxton


An injured rabbit? Say it ain’t so. What if a coyote comes near them? How will he or she ever get away? No rabbit is ever allowed to die. Ever.

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8. Paxton


Kids climbing on stuff? In broad daylight? In a town with nothing to do? Why can’t they just sell drugs like normal kids?



7. Paxton


Stop the fight!! Someone walking in the road? Better call the cops!! Sure, there’s no sidewalks on Marshall Street, and it’s probably just someone getting some exercise, but it could also be ISIS. You can never be too careful.


6. Sterling


How’d you like to be the officer who got stuck with this call? Injured skunk. So like, what’s he supposed to do here? Give the skunk a bandaid and have them go on their way? What could possibly go wrong?



5. Princeton


A solicitor? What is this world coming to? How dare they try to convince you to spruce up your garden. Better call 911.


4. Princeton


Not one dog, but two!!! Insanity!! People in the middle of nowhere just let their dogs play in a field? No wonder property value is plummeting.


3. Sterling


Kids these days!! You people in the hood only have to worry about gangs, shootings, prostitution, and drug dealing. You don’t understand the horror of kids with flashlights!!!


2. Princeton


Talk about ghetto!! You can’t even walk down the streets anymore without getting attacked by a porcupine in this town. I’m sure the responding officer was very pleased to be tasked with finding this raccoon and removing the porcupine quills from its person.


1. Sterling


I gotta try this one the next time I get pulled over for hightailing it through a yellow light or refusing to pull over for the police. Sorry officer, I didn’t understand what a traffic light or a police siren was until right now. Thank you for alerting me. Can you give me a ride to the police station so I can call my Mom to pick me up?

Anyway, if Turtleboy management agrees we can make this a weekly column. Thanks for having me.


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27 Comment(s)
  • NahIm Good
    October 3, 2016 at 9:44 pm

    I moved from paxton to Worcester a few years back and honestly the police log is what I miss most. please keep this shit up.

  • 01520 Resident
    October 3, 2016 at 9:36 am

    Posting from past in Holden. Caller reports burning smell …….. It was neighbor cooking a roast.

    • FiestyLawyerLady
      October 3, 2016 at 10:32 am

      Lmao!! That’s hilarious… I would never complain about that smell. I also get super jealous when I smell BBQ going on….lol

      • Fiesty go away
        October 3, 2016 at 11:29 am

        GO AWAY TROLL!

  • Chris
    October 2, 2016 at 4:25 pm

    This was funny, I don’t know if it works weekly. Might be better every other week.

  • whatevuh
    Dick Hertz from Holden
    October 2, 2016 at 11:13 am

    LMAO This is actually real, from the Landmark:


    Monday, December 7

    8:06 p.m. Caller asking if its legal to drive his tractor
    to his mailbox with an open container and a buzz on.
    Advised it isn’t allowed as others have access to the road,

  • Wwy
    October 2, 2016 at 10:19 am

    Oh bob ruined another blog par for the course these days,hey feisty can you mail bob back his balls maybe he’ll go away. The cops,troops,flag bobs so queer thinks life’s a movie. Oh well can’t fix stupid.

    • BobnMic
      October 2, 2016 at 10:52 am

      LOL Ya ok Wwy. And do yo think for one fucking minute that people love having you here to spew your insane rants? You and Fiesty belong together. Two peas in a pod. Just please please please don’t reproduce. The world is full enough with assholes and psychopaths already…

      • BobnMic
        October 2, 2016 at 11:12 am

        Oh and one more thing about education there Wwy. I’ll admit I never did study the philosophys of Mein Kampf like you obviously have. Never had an interest. Always thought Adolf Hitler was history’s biggest asshole next to Benito Mussolini but that’s just me.

        Other than that I guarantee you I have more education on one finger than you have in your entire sick fucking body. No go away and go play with Fiesty.

        • Wwy
          October 2, 2016 at 4:48 pm

          The only people following hitlers ideology is America and some of their sick allies. Go watch saving private Ryan,and Stalin and Lenin with Trotsky the communist kikes were much worse than Hitler.

  • JimB
    October 2, 2016 at 8:42 am

    BobnMic, REALLY !!….In no way was TB undermining the police or the job they do… mMatter of fact, I think this page is one of the biggest supporters of the first responders & military people who keep us safe every day !!…This is merely & really obviously (to most people who have a brain) a blog to point out how stupid people really are & how they waste value police time & efforts. I would expect a reply like yours from that imbecile Kevin Lynch …. But really…

    • BobnMic
      October 2, 2016 at 9:16 am

      Jimbo I agree with your sentiment but I was merely trying to point out that this is simply bad timing given the fact that Police everywhere are on high alert and total public support is the priority right now. That’s it. I get the stupid calls angle. But I know the fake lawyer sent this in based on her time away from here, when this article was posted and the fact that she said before that she reviews Police blogs daily. No doubt about it. She reviews Police blogs to see if her drug dealer got busted or not. And check out 22 down votes on my first comment. That’s all from Fiesty the fake lawyer and author of that dumb ass article. How anyone can not see this is beyond me. That is it my friend in sort of a nutshell…

    • Chocolate Pudding
      October 2, 2016 at 3:04 pm

      It’s because is brains are made of me.

  • Fatfingr Lou
    October 1, 2016 at 7:37 pm

    That little bastard with the mask and toothpick looks like a real animal!

  • Barnyard
    October 1, 2016 at 9:02 am

    I always read these. Sometimes you find a gem. They really have cut down on the crazy discriptions of some of the calls latley. One of the best a few years ago was a call from a golfer out on Holden Hills C.C. calling to say “A goose has had a head on collision with a golf ball.” They told him to contact the greens keeper.Too funny.

  • Independent Thinker
    October 1, 2016 at 8:14 am

    It was humorous. However, I don’t think the blogger was knocking the police force. He was simply pointing out the fact that so many people waste the valuable time of police officers by calling them for no good reason. Kids with flashlights. Give me a break!

  • SavvyTurtleBear
    September 30, 2016 at 9:27 pm

    love police logs.
    this reminds me of the bridgewater police twitter… those were entertaining too

  • Doug Jones
    September 30, 2016 at 5:29 pm

    Lame rip off the Hillman morning show’s Stowe Five -Oh segment.

  • Emily
    September 30, 2016 at 5:07 pm

    Loved it. I needed this today

  • BobnMic
    September 30, 2016 at 4:04 pm

    Not impressed TB applicant. Not funny at all any of it. Police handle a vast array of calls for service. Will you put any of the dangerous calls in here? Or just the ones that make Police look like their job is a joke? Go away. Your sense of humor, or lack thereof, has your Cop hater fingerprints all over it.

    Do you read or watch any news there TB applicant? Cops are being targeted. All Cops from everywhere. BLM wants to see dead Cops with chants like, “Pigs In A Blanket – Fry Em’ Like Bacon” Among other ones. So this crap you just spewed is inappropriate at this day and age.

    I know people like you will say lighten up it’s just a joke. Well there are good jokes and bad jokes and this is horrendous. In addition, Cops are not laughing these days with a civil war that was declared against them so why should any of us laugh at what they do?

    “Anyway, if Turtleboy management agrees we can make this a weekly column. Thanks for having me.”

    You not welcome Bye bye. Next applicant…

    • Realist
      September 30, 2016 at 10:35 pm

      What? Maybe it’s time to loosen up a bit there!

    • BobnMic go away
      October 1, 2016 at 7:18 am

      Go away!!!! Nobody here GAFF what you have to say.

      • BobnMic
        October 2, 2016 at 7:26 am

        Ya right ok because you wrote this idiotic piece of shit Fiesty didn’t you. This Cop bashing has your fingerprints all over it and I am the only one who will stand up to a fucktard like you and say fuck off you numbnut. You suck, everybody knows it, nobody says it but I will say it.

        Go pop some more pills you fucking junkie Spencer hoodrat…

        • Lil Joey
          October 2, 2016 at 10:42 am

          Bob your posts are the best, you’re so funny. Are you the leader of this band of kid bashing middle aged foul mouthed misfits? My English teacher would wash your mouth out with soap in front of the entire classroom. You made a big mistake by dropping out of school. A GED can only get you so far in life. Good luck! …….. Joe………

          • BobnMic
            October 2, 2016 at 10:55 am

            Pointless “Lil”. “Lil” sums it up doesn’t it.

        • FeistySux
          October 3, 2016 at 10:44 am

          Well, I’ll say it…

  • Rich
    September 30, 2016 at 2:32 pm

    Laughed out loud at the comment under the skunk call.!! 🙂

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