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Turtleboy likes to make the community a better place to live in. And one way we can do that is by helping people learn how to drive, so the rest of us don’t get caught behind you when you’re driving like a moron. On that note we would like to use this particular blog to show you how to navigate around a Worcester rotary.

First of all, rotaries are one of the greatest inventions ever. They are superior to the traffic light in every way imaginable. If Turtleboy were in charge there would be no traffic lights, only rotaries.

But the problem with rotaries are morons that don’t know how to use them. You know, like every person in America who doesn’t live in New England. And if people don’t know how to use a rotary, they can actually be worse than a traffic light. That’s why if you see a guy in front of you with Michigan license plates, and you’re approaching a rotary, you better speed up and cut him off because otherwise he will ruin your day.

Let’s take a look at four different Worcester rotaries that seem to give people the most trouble – Grafton Street rotary, Newton Square, Hope Ave, and Kelley Square.

The Grafton Street rotary generally is the least problematic. The only people who seem to fuck this up, are the buttnutts barreling down from Hamilton Street. It’s a phenomenon unique to that street only, as there are no such problems from people using Grafton Street. Watch the genius in the blue minivan coming from Hamilton Street here, who can’t figure this one out:

Dude, just freaking go!! Luckily this video was shot at 1 PM, so he didn’t ruin everyone else’s commute. But if this happened at 4:30 it would cause backup to North High School. When all parties have a yield, you just need to go. If you plan on waiting for that perfect opportunity, it’s never going to come.

Then there’s Newton Square. Rule #1 of Newton Square is you never wanna be THAT guy trying to enter it from June Street. Because June St is the only one of the four major roads intersecting there, that has a stop sign. Only bitches come from June Street. Likewise, if you’re coming down good Pleasant Street and heading towards bad Pleasant Street or Highland Street, never forget anyone coming from June Street is your bitch. Do not let them go. Once you enter that rotary, do not hit your brakes. They made the choice to come from June Street, now they have to live with it. Whatever you do, don’t do what this guy did:

Do what everyone after him did. Just go. And don’t let those assholes from Highland Street push you around either. You both have a yield sign. Once you pass that crosswalk, you have just as much right to the rotary as they do. Like when he was right here:

That is as big of a gap as you will see. But he didn’t go. He let the dooshnozzle from Highland Street push him around, and everyone else suffered because of it.

This is what it looks like when you’re behind one of these people coming down Pleasant Street:

Jesus H. Christ people. Learn how to drive.

And one of the biggest clusterfucks is the somewhat new Hope Ave rotary. Just for the record, all three streets that converge here are equal. None of them have a stop sign. All have yields. Yet for whatever reason the people who are coming from Hope Ave think their shit doesn’t stink. And it’s always the people coming from Webster Street who drive like gigantic naniburgers. Just watch this guy in the black car literally BEG for a chance to enter the rotary from the Hope Ave bourgeois. Then watch how everyone who comes after him does it.

Every single time. Now watch what it’s like to enter from Hope Ave, and watch how this guy in the silver car cuts us off, just like he’s supposed to do.

See, that wasn’t so hard was it?

And last but not least there is Kelley Square. Because there is no intersection in the Western Hemisphere that compares to Kelley Square. This is how I envision every intersection in Thailand functions. Organized chaos. But it works, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s pretty simple – if you’re coming from Vernon or Madison Streets, you should never hit your brakes. If you’re coming from Millbury, Green, or Harding Street, you have to nudge your way in and go. If you’re coming from Water Street then you’re going down a one way street and you’re probably too drunk to drive.

This is coming from Madison Street. I recommend staying in the left hand lane until the last second, because the road widens and you can kind of just nudge your way into Kelley Square at that point. Watch and observe:

See that wasn’t so hard was it? No watch how this guy in the tan SUV does it:

Come on dude, you’re gonna let someone from Green Street punk you down like that? This type of hesitation right here is what causes Kelley Square sandwiches:

And like I said, if you’re coming from Harding Street, don’t be a p-bag like this poopsmooch in the silver car:

That guy’s probably still trying to get on the highway.

Anyway we hope you learned a valuable lesson about driving in Worcester today. Just remember that a yield is not the same thing as a stop sign, and there will never be a perfect opportunity for you go enter a rotary. Losers wait for an opening, winners create their own.

Want to have your business advert seen by over 500,000 people per month? Email us at Turtleboysports@gmail.com for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.

Follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook