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How Not To Drive Through A Busy Worcester Rotary

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Turtleboy likes to make the community a better place to live in. And one way we can do that is by helping people learn how to drive, so the rest of us don’t get caught behind you when you’re driving like a moron. On that note we would like to use this particular blog to show you how to navigate around a Worcester rotary.

First of all, rotaries are one of the greatest inventions ever. They are superior to the traffic light in every way imaginable. If Turtleboy were in charge there would be no traffic lights, only rotaries.

But the problem with rotaries are morons that don’t know how to use them. You know, like every person in America who doesn’t live in New England. And if people don’t know how to use a rotary, they can actually be worse than a traffic light. That’s why if you see a guy in front of you with Michigan license plates, and you’re approaching a rotary, you better speed up and cut him off because otherwise he will ruin your day.

Let’s take a look at four different Worcester rotaries that seem to give people the most trouble – Grafton Street rotary, Newton Square, Hope Ave, and Kelley Square.

The Grafton Street rotary generally is the least problematic. The only people who seem to fuck this up, are the buttnutts barreling down from Hamilton Street. It’s a phenomenon unique to that street only, as there are no such problems from people using Grafton Street. Watch the genius in the blue minivan coming from Hamilton Street here, who can’t figure this one out:

Dude, just freaking go!! Luckily this video was shot at 1 PM, so he didn’t ruin everyone else’s commute. But if this happened at 4:30 it would cause backup to North High School. When all parties have a yield, you just need to go. If you plan on waiting for that perfect opportunity, it’s never going to come.

Then there’s Newton Square. Rule #1 of Newton Square is you never wanna be THAT guy trying to enter it from June Street. Because June St is the only one of the four major roads intersecting there, that has a stop sign. Only bitches come from June Street. Likewise, if you’re coming down good Pleasant Street and heading towards bad Pleasant Street or Highland Street, never forget anyone coming from June Street is your bitch. Do not let them go. Once you enter that rotary, do not hit your brakes. They made the choice to come from June Street, now they have to live with it. Whatever you do, don’t do what this guy did:

Do what everyone after him did. Just go. And don’t let those assholes from Highland Street push you around either. You both have a yield sign. Once you pass that crosswalk, you have just as much right to the rotary as they do. Like when he was right here:

Screen Shot 2015-07-17 at 4.17.43 PM

That is as big of a gap as you will see. But he didn’t go. He let the dooshnozzle from Highland Street push him around, and everyone else suffered because of it.

This is what it looks like when you’re behind one of these people coming down Pleasant Street:

Jesus H. Christ people. Learn how to drive.

And one of the biggest clusterfucks is the somewhat new Hope Ave rotary. Just for the record, all three streets that converge here are equal. None of them have a stop sign. All have yields. Yet for whatever reason the people who are coming from Hope Ave think their shit doesn’t stink. And it’s always the people coming from Webster Street who drive like gigantic naniburgers. Just watch this guy in the black car literally BEG for a chance to enter the rotary from the Hope Ave bourgeois. Then watch how everyone who comes after him does it.

Every single time. Now watch what it’s like to enter from Hope Ave, and watch how this guy in the silver car cuts us off, just like he’s supposed to do.

See, that wasn’t so hard was it?

And last but not least there is Kelley Square. Because there is no intersection in the Western Hemisphere that compares to Kelley Square. This is how I envision every intersection in Thailand functions. Organized chaos. But it works, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s pretty simple – if you’re coming from Vernon or Madison Streets, you should never hit your brakes. If you’re coming from Millbury, Green, or Harding Street, you have to nudge your way in and go. If you’re coming from Water Street then you’re going down a one way street and you’re probably too drunk to drive.

 

This is coming from Madison Street. I recommend staying in the left hand lane until the last second, because the road widens and you can kind of just nudge your way into Kelley Square at that point. Watch and observe:

See that wasn’t so hard was it? No watch how this guy in the tan SUV does it:

 

Come on dude, you’re gonna let someone from Green Street punk you down like that? This type of hesitation right here is what causes Kelley Square sandwiches:

Screen Shot 2015-07-17 at 4.29.42 PM

And like I said, if you’re coming from Harding Street, don’t be a p-bag like this poopsmooch in the silver car:

That guy’s probably still trying to get on the highway.

Anyway we hope you learned a valuable lesson about driving in Worcester today. Just remember that a yield is not the same thing as a stop sign, and there will never be a perfect opportunity for you go enter a rotary. Losers wait for an opening, winners create their own.

Want to have your business advert seen by over 500,000 people per month? Email us at Turtleboysports@gmail.com for more information, and check out our website about types of advertising we offer.

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13 Comment(s)
  • Tngsucks
    November 15, 2019 at 2:47 pm

    Was the Washington Square two lane rotary too complicated with people trying to make an illegal turn into the union Station driveup.

  • MS
    July 21, 2015 at 1:50 pm

    you forgot about that new cluster fuck on lake ave by UMAS

  • Mousy
    July 20, 2015 at 1:25 pm

    You forgot College Square, which is one giant, screwed up rotary involving on and off ramps for the highways, a near impossible merge coming down from 290, a new cross-walk under the bridge that you can’t see until you’re on top of it, on-going construction, and a big-ass bridge.

  • Jack
    ChuskUSA
    July 19, 2015 at 1:15 pm

    Worcester is Worcester. Not going to change a thing and it is what it is.

  • coffeemate
    July 18, 2015 at 11:19 am

    Omg gertie…I didn’t know you couldnt make that left like that. Makes sense. I will now go in and around ty. I feel so dumb. I just learned the 3rd lane on the interstate is only for passing only. I used to drive in it thinking it was the fast last. Ignorance is the reason for a lot of those videos.

  • BowenHardcase
    July 17, 2015 at 11:14 pm

    Your Newton Sq video isn’t entirely correct because the guy going from Highland to June actually has the right of way over the guy entering from Pleasant St because the Highland St. guy is already in the rotary. The rule of the rotary is you must always yield to cars from the left (those already in the rotary) and you screw over the cars to your right (the schmucks trying to get in). Doing this is the most efficient method of navigation for everyone.

  • Nanny
    July 17, 2015 at 7:41 pm

    It’s all about commitment. Just like every sport.

  • kjt
    July 17, 2015 at 6:10 pm

    How about a piece on taking turns against traffic. My home town, Holden. From the State Police barracks to the lights at 31 and 122. Left into the Post Office is my favorite next to left out of Mayo Dr.

  • Clive's not racist, just ask him.
    July 17, 2015 at 6:03 pm

    Kelley Square: don’t make eye contact and nail the throttle. Problem solved

    • Devils Mouthpiece
      July 17, 2015 at 8:39 pm

      Bingo! And drive a big ass pick up truck helps too!

  • UMichSucks
    July 17, 2015 at 5:32 pm

    Is it just me or did we get a metric crap tonne of Michanders a few years back? Like all the white folks fled Greater Detroit for Worcester. I think I know more people from the D in Worcester than I do Worcesterites now. Oh and if you’ve never driven through Michigan, do so sometime. These people are like Massholes with huge SUVs and giant “D”s on the back windshield and will wreck you on any highway but drive 4 mph on all other roads. I’ve yet to spot one rotary in that state, which would explain their driving disability in Mass. And you have to turn left to go right everywhere there.

  • EmfnT
    Eric
    July 17, 2015 at 5:09 pm

    Classic piece. I can’t stand people who don’t know how to drive thru rotaries. Perfect execution going thru Kelley Square. The only thing more impressive would be doing that on a motorcycle.

    Meanwhile, in Ireland they have roundabouts every few miles on the main highway that goes from Dublin to Belfast. I’ve never seen anything like it. And it’s not to let other cars onto the highway. I swear they are just there to make you slow down.

  • gertie508
    July 17, 2015 at 4:31 pm

    You forgot about the idiots who try to turn up hamilton st from orient st instead of going around the grafton street rotary like they should do first!!

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