Hoodrat Heroes

Hurricane Beefaroni Goes Full Bristol By Accidentally Bodying Her Mom With Fupanova Force While Trying To Attack Guy And Destroy His Truck For Parking In Front Of Her House

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Bristol, CT is a magical place. When your most famous alumni is the guy who gave up millions of dollars to play football in order to commit full time to killing people, you might live in one of the most underrated shitholes in New England. You will recall last year when we blogged about this epic broo-ha-ha involving several junior hoodrats in various form of pajamas and a glorious ginger Mom who fucked them all up whilst her gerber servers were being grabbed:

Screen Shot 2017-04-19 at 11.59.20 PM

But as it turns out the most legendary Bristol ratchet of them all did not make an appearance in that video. Had she done so multiple people would’ve been crushed like a panini sandwich. Her name is Sarah Heath:

Fupapotamus extraordinaire.

A few months back she went viral on Reddit when she posted this video on social media, threatening to “body” an unknown rival hog goblin, and her unidentified mother.

“You are going to get bodied, your Mom is going to get bodied, and anyone who intervenes is going to get fucking bodied.”

You might think you were watching some sort of WWE promo video there. But it’s actual real life Bristol sour snatch chicks doing a warmup before their eventual gland to gland combat.

“I don’t know who the fuck you know, but you ain’t know who the fuck me and Taylor know. So don’t ever question who the fuck I know. You should be asking who the fuck I am.”

Oh I think everyone in Bristol knows who Hurricane Beefaroni is at this point.

Anyway, when she says she’s gonna body someone, she means it. She literally will pancake your body with her body, and let gravity take care of the rest. She won’t just body your own, she’ll even body her own mother, who found out the hard way not to interfere with a raging cheesehog on a mission. What you’re about to watch is a viral video that began because the cameraman parked in front of her house to go to her neighbor’s house, who then filmed the Fupapotamus’ reaction and presumably sent it to Nat Geo…..

That video was so Bristol it hurts. Everything about it. From the glorious overgrown weeds seeping through the sidewalk cracks while the lawns are covered in dirt patches, to the to the warped picnic table inexplicably sitting on the front lawn, to the dog barking incessantly to sound the ratchet alarm. This is exactly what I think of when I imagine Bristol.

That entire thing was over the fact that the camerman was parked in front of her house. On a public street. Her own dear mother attempted to explain this to her, but that concept made about as much sense to her as that time her guidance counselor accidentally placed in Algebra 2.

“It’s a public street Sarah, they can park there.”

“I don’t give a fuck!!!!”

Let’s go to the play by play.

First we gotta give credit to the real MVP of that video – Mom. Do you understand the lower body muscles it takes to stop a Fupanova like this when its upset?

Just look at that form.

Eat your heart out Nate Solder. I need Mom playing left tackle for the Patriots immediately. Tom Brady would play till he’s 90. This obviously was not the first time she had to put out a dumpster fire started by her freeloading crotch fruit.

Now keep in mind, the fact that there is a truck parked in front of her house has no bearing on her whatsoever. It’s not like she lost a spot because of this. Nevertheless she was triggered like CNN on election night. Didn’t stop her from yelling “I’m beautiful. Yea bitch!!” while pausing to pose for her detractors.

Just think, someone is probably going to impregnate her within the next 18 months. Joy.

Of course the neighbors didn’t like the fact that this weapon of mass destruction was ruining their pristine lawn, and they began voicing their displeasure from the porch and inside the house. Naturally the Fupapotamus tried to break their screen window, much to her mother’s dismay.

I’d like to hitch her to a wagon and complete the Oregon trail! You best believe Suzy won’t be getting dysentary by the time we cross the Snake River!!

She was able to be temporarily restrained only when Dad showed up. And since this was Bristol in the middle of a Thursday afternoon, he was wearing what anyone in Bristol would be wearing – his pajamas.

When poor Mom finally got her cream dog daughter back on her property she went to collect her belongings, and looked like a woman who was just about ready to give up on life.

God bless that woman. Someone buy her a pack of Parliaments and two scratchies.

Unfortunately it wasn’t over yet. Next thing you know the Fupapotamus was throwing anything she could find at this man’s nice new truck. And since Mom is not Dikembe Mutumbo her attempts to stop the fine china from smashing into the driver’s window were fruitless.

But the Fupapotamus was not done. It was time to bust out the broom!!! Mom attempted to stop her but learned a valuable lesson about the the power of inertia….

Turns out she was serious when she said she’d bodied your mother if she got in the way. After all, she clearly is willing to body her own mother if she gets in the way of her Carrie Underwood impression. All Mom could do at that point is collapse on the dogshit soiled grass like a wounded gazelle.

Evidently what preceded this was an even more epic 18 second video of Hurricane Beefaroni charging at the cameraman before learning a valuable lesson about gravity….

Finally the cops arrived, and in ratchtacular fashion she had to be taken into custody while wearing a spit mask like she was Hannibal Lecter.

Sure didn’t stop her from talking shit on the way out.

I don’t think I’ve ever wanted someone to come on Turtleboy Live more than Hurricane Beefaroni. If you’re reading this Sarah, please email turtleboysports@gmail.com, or make a Facebook page and message us there. We would be honored to have you on the program Saturday night so you can explain your side of the story.

29 Comment(s)
  • Bokumetsu
    August 23, 2018 at 9:04 am

    The last video suggests this was in New Britain, CT.

    • BristolDoesn’tCompletelySuck
      August 23, 2018 at 10:33 am

      Nope, definitely Bristol, CT. On August 8th she was arrested on Green St in Bristol and charged with Breach of Peace, Interfering with an Officer and Criminal Mischief. Her case is currently awaiting a plea in the GA17 Court in Bristol.

  • Henry Fool
    August 23, 2018 at 8:06 am

    i’m an old man and now i’ve lived too long, watching the decline of America in these fatted Bos torus behemoths. i find it odd that their appearance and behavior is growing more masculine with each passing story, video and year. where’s the blame to lie?

  • BobTheBarbarian
    August 22, 2018 at 3:04 am

    This is gold.

  • Mack Huse
    August 22, 2018 at 2:48 am

    The best part of the whole thing, is when shes being put into the cop car, with the spit mask on her head. And tells “Look at you!” Like no bitch, look at YOU

  • Mack Huse
    August 22, 2018 at 2:47 am

    Brooo my uncle was the one who recorded this This article is golden. Such a lovely place we live in haha

  • Wabbitt
    August 21, 2018 at 4:42 pm

    Looks like she smelled what the Rock was cooking.

    And went back for thirds…

  • WeAreFucked
    August 21, 2018 at 2:03 pm

    Here’s a totally different take. The girl is obviously mentally disturbed. She shouldn’t be treated any different from a little girl in a wheelchair with autism and down syndrome.
    The driver of the truck should have seen that she was not well, and just moved his $650-dollar-a-month-84-months-no-money-down piece of shit truck to keep the crazy girl happy.
    That’s just what I’d do. I avoid upsetting people… because why the fuck not? Instead of taking the 60 seconds to move his truck, I hope it got damaged. And he’ll get nothing for it, because chances are, the girl’s family has nothing.
    He got a young crazy girl who has what appears to be a variety of challenges and complex mental disabilities all upset. She isn’t a ratchet. She’s a person with a severe problem who has no control.

    • Sir Wilfred Death
      August 21, 2018 at 3:02 pm

      The actions of the mother support the conclusion that the child has mental problems. This is very sad. The guy with the truck actually enjoyed this which makes him a stupid, sick fuck. He also provoked the kid all during the episode. Who’s the ratchet in this situation?

      • Sickofhtebull
        September 2, 2018 at 7:33 am

        How about because it was a fucking public street. That is what is going wrong today, to many people bending over backward to make the crazy happy. How about locking the dumb cunt up.

  • Unlimited free fountain drinks w00t
    August 21, 2018 at 10:47 am

    I was going to Lake Compounce with my new bf and a few relatives I had never met before. One relative was pre-gaming pills and twisted tea on the drive up and starting fights in the car, so we ditched him at an underpass down the street from the park. He probably would have been right at home if he had stayed, but wound up getting his boss to drive 45 min to pick him up. Fast forward a few years and color me shocked when he was found dead of a drug overdose. Anyway we had an awesome time at Lake Compounce. 10/10. Just leave the junkie relatives at home.

  • BristolDoesn’tCompletelySuck
    August 21, 2018 at 1:46 am

    WTF, I’m from Bristol and I’ve never seen anything like this. Thank god I live on the other side of town. Feels more like Belmont over here.

  • dball31211
    August 21, 2018 at 1:46 am

    Fat + momentum = DEATH

  • Ray Patriarca
    August 20, 2018 at 11:18 pm

    She needs a good swift kick in the cunt.
    And speaking of that…….I cannot even begin to fathom the smell that must emanate from her nazty, sweaty clam !

  • Whale of a time
    August 20, 2018 at 9:57 pm

    What would be better feeding her to a 15 foot Great White Shark at the Cape or slipping some LSD in her apple juice and throwing a rubber snake on her.

    400 mg of thorazine stat!

  • Steve Irwin
    August 20, 2018 at 7:08 pm

    When a pissed off fupabeast charges, you must remain calm. Just side step at the correct moment
    and it will fall. Now, in order to calm the incensed fupabeast, while it is on the ground you must quickly
    stick your thumb up its arse, its the only way to calm it.

  • Jenna B
    August 20, 2018 at 4:49 pm

    Put it down!!!

  • ncfoothillbilly
    August 20, 2018 at 4:01 pm

    Rock Me Like A Fupacane…
    some obscure hair band from the 80s

  • IHateRatchets
    August 20, 2018 at 3:12 pm

    What a foul creature! The thought of someone sleeping with her makes me want to puke.

    I love that the popo had to put a mask on her.

    People really cant seem to understand that you can park in front of their house if it’s a public street. My friend lives in Quincy and another friend parked in front of a neighbor’s house. When she came out there was a note on her car saying they would call the cops on her.

  • Hughbo Mont
    August 20, 2018 at 3:09 pm

    That deserves a Ratchet Oscar! And definitely a final 4 entry in the next Ratchet Madness.
    I want to feel sorry for the parents, but she wasn’t born that way.

  • Bean
    August 20, 2018 at 1:56 pm

    No wonder her mom is in such great shape!

  • Shirttail Morris
    August 20, 2018 at 1:22 pm

    LOL! The ass over teakettle was hilarious. The spit mask was the icing on the cake.

  • Steve Irwin
    August 20, 2018 at 1:17 pm

    The free range fuppapotamus at full gallop is really a very dangerous beast. It’s best to stay clear and shoot the animal with a fentanyl tranquilizer dart.

    • The Vorlon
      The Vorlon
      August 20, 2018 at 3:47 pm

      Just to be safe I would recommend a carfentanyl tranquilizer dart.

      Three of Mom would not equal the she-beast.

  • Wheresthebeef
    August 20, 2018 at 1:07 pm

    The video of her tripping (the 18 second video?) Isn’t embedded it’s the full one posted twice … don’t deprive us laughter please fix it!

  • Troubled Nostrils
    August 20, 2018 at 12:59 pm

    I was leaning toward adopting white supremacy as my religion, but after seeing this…. never mind. Just never mind.

  • Aaron Hernandez from Purgatory
    August 20, 2018 at 11:58 am

    When you grow up surrounded by women like this, is it any wonder you putt from the rough?

  • z
    August 20, 2018 at 11:06 am

    A grainy photo, but it looks like a black guy on the porch.

    Probably thinking, “I never should have moved into a white neighborhood. These people are crazy.”

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