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Bristol, CT is a magical place. When your most famous alumni is the guy who gave up millions of dollars to play football in order to commit full time to killing people, you might live in one of the most underrated shitholes in New England. You will recall last year when we blogged about this epic broo-ha-ha involving several junior hoodrats in various form of pajamas and a glorious ginger Mom who fucked them all up whilst her gerber servers were being grabbed:

But as it turns out the most legendary Bristol ratchet of them all did not make an appearance in that video. Had she done so multiple people would’ve been crushed like a panini sandwich. Her name is Sarah Heath:

Fupapotamus extraordinaire.

A few months back she went viral on Reddit when she posted this video on social media, threatening to “body” an unknown rival hog goblin, and her unidentified mother.

“You are going to get bodied, your Mom is going to get bodied, and anyone who intervenes is going to get fucking bodied.”

You might think you were watching some sort of WWE promo video there. But it’s actual real life Bristol sour snatch chicks doing a warmup before their eventual gland to gland combat.

“I don’t know who the fuck you know, but you ain’t know who the fuck me and Taylor know. So don’t ever question who the fuck I know. You should be asking who the fuck I am.”

Oh I think everyone in Bristol knows who Hurricane Beefaroni is at this point.

Anyway, when she says she’s gonna body someone, she means it. She literally will pancake your body with her body, and let gravity take care of the rest. She won’t just body your own, she’ll even body her own mother, who found out the hard way not to interfere with a raging cheesehog on a mission. What you’re about to watch is a viral video that began because the cameraman parked in front of her house to go to her neighbor’s house, who then filmed the Fupapotamus’ reaction and presumably sent it to Nat Geo…..

That video was so Bristol it hurts. Everything about it. From the glorious overgrown weeds seeping through the sidewalk cracks while the lawns are covered in dirt patches, to the to the warped picnic table inexplicably sitting on the front lawn, to the dog barking incessantly to sound the ratchet alarm. This is exactly what I think of when I imagine Bristol.

That entire thing was over the fact that the camerman was parked in front of her house. On a public street. Her own dear mother attempted to explain this to her, but that concept made about as much sense to her as that time her guidance counselor accidentally placed in Algebra 2.

“It’s a public street Sarah, they can park there.”

“I don’t give a fuck!!!!”

Let’s go to the play by play.

First we gotta give credit to the real MVP of that video – Mom. Do you understand the lower body muscles it takes to stop a Fupanova like this when its upset?

Just look at that form.

Eat your heart out Nate Solder. I need Mom playing left tackle for the Patriots immediately. Tom Brady would play till he’s 90. This obviously was not the first time she had to put out a dumpster fire started by her freeloading crotch fruit.

Now keep in mind, the fact that there is a truck parked in front of her house has no bearing on her whatsoever. It’s not like she lost a spot because of this. Nevertheless she was triggered like CNN on election night. Didn’t stop her from yelling “I’m beautiful. Yea bitch!!” while pausing to pose for her detractors.

Just think, someone is probably going to impregnate her within the next 18 months. Joy.

Of course the neighbors didn’t like the fact that this weapon of mass destruction was ruining their pristine lawn, and they began voicing their displeasure from the porch and inside the house. Naturally the Fupapotamus tried to break their screen window, much to her mother’s dismay.

I’d like to hitch her to a wagon and complete the Oregon trail! You best believe Suzy won’t be getting dysentary by the time we cross the Snake River!!

She was able to be temporarily restrained only when Dad showed up. And since this was Bristol in the middle of a Thursday afternoon, he was wearing what anyone in Bristol would be wearing – his pajamas.

When poor Mom finally got her cream dog daughter back on her property she went to collect her belongings, and looked like a woman who was just about ready to give up on life.

God bless that woman. Someone buy her a pack of Parliaments and two scratchies.

Unfortunately it wasn’t over yet. Next thing you know the Fupapotamus was throwing anything she could find at this man’s nice new truck. And since Mom is not Dikembe Mutumbo her attempts to stop the fine china from smashing into the driver’s window were fruitless.

But the Fupapotamus was not done. It was time to bust out the broom!!! Mom attempted to stop her but learned a valuable lesson about the the power of inertia….

Turns out she was serious when she said she’d bodied your mother if she got in the way. After all, she clearly is willing to body her own mother if she gets in the way of her Carrie Underwood impression. All Mom could do at that point is collapse on the dogshit soiled grass like a wounded gazelle.

Evidently what preceded this was an even more epic 18 second video of Hurricane Beefaroni charging at the cameraman before learning a valuable lesson about gravity….

Finally the cops arrived, and in ratchtacular fashion she had to be taken into custody while wearing a spit mask like she was Hannibal Lecter.

LMAOOOO pornhub title: Bodied girl has fun with spit mask pic.twitter.com/NcYYdTwFN9

— JaRule feat. Ashanti (@xoheej) August 10, 2018

Sure didn’t stop her from talking shit on the way out.

I don’t think I’ve ever wanted someone to come on Turtleboy Live more than Hurricane Beefaroni. If you’re reading this Sarah, please email turtleboysports@gmail.com, or make a Facebook page and message us there. We would be honored to have you on the program Saturday night so you can explain your side of the story.