Time to start the 2019 Turtleboy Ratchet Madness Round of 32! We begin in the Fupasloth region where we have 4 head to head ratchet matchups. To help you decide who to vote for we present you with their ratchet resume, along with links to relevant blogs about each. You have 24 hours to vote.

1. Greg Bates vs. 9. Stretchmarks Sanchez

1. Greg Bates

• Uses a Facebook page with 35,000 followers as a weapon to extort cash, gift cards, and free food from legitimate restaurants all over the North Shore
• Lied repeatedly about not demanding money from local businesses for promotion on his page
• Trashes any business with fraudulent reviews if they don’t pay him
• Uses gift cards on himself often instead of giving them to followers
• Holds “raffles” in which fake accounts that he owns often win the raffles
• Claimed to have raised over $200,000 for an autism charity, but gave barely over $10,000
• Owes tends of thousands of dollars in child support and once went to jail for not paying
• Told his kids he was going to commit suicide to get back at his wife after she left him
• Pretended to be injured in order to try to collect disability from UPS
• Falsely maligned a Peabody Police Officer and used his name to threaten a former advertiser who stopped advertising with him
• Claimed that TD Bank was extorting him because he wanted to cash a check there and was not a customer
• Stated in his divorce settlement that since his wife will no longer provide him with sex he has no choice but to purchase it, presumably from hookers
• Once came into a restaurant minutes before closing with some buddies, used $300 worth of gift cards given to him that he was supposed to give away, tipped the waitress less than 5%
• Used a gift card he was supposed to give away to purchase a toilet for huge dumps
• Once lied and pretended his mother was dead for financial gain

9. Stretchmarks Sanchez

• Asked the Brockton Hub to donate clothes to her for her kid days before school started
• Coincidentally sells used clothes all over Facebook marketplace
• Claims she’s independent, yet begs for free stuff
• Turned out it’s not even her kid, or her niece – just a friend’s kid
• Asked that all donations go to her Cash App
• Replied to critics in ratchtastic sentagraphs
• Has a son who is a rapper and she promotes his albums
• Blames son’s teachers for disciplining him despite out of control behavior
• Illegally wiretapped a lawyer giving her a free consult while asking him if she could sue Turtleboy for deformation

4. Fleestone Light vs. 5. War-wack Queefhog Leprechaun

4. Fleestone Light

• Killed a woman during a hit and run in 2010
• Fled her arraignment after asking to smoke a cigarette and went to jail for a few years
• Came out and popped out multiple crotch fruits while pretending to have found God and gotten clean
• Had warrants out for her arrest this summer after being pulled over without a license and giving cops a fake name
• While out on bail and pregnant she began soliciting for free clothing and donations that she could sell for drug money
• While 8 months pregnant and as a wanted fugitive she was seen on meth mile in Boston doing a zombie junkie jam before finally being apprehended

5. War-wack Queenhog Leprechaun

• Went to Twin River to bet on the Patriots and unleashed a racist tirade against some teenagers who she accused of being Brazilians from Me-he-co
• Pronounces Warwick “War-wack”
• Claimed the verbal attack was OK because the she’s a teacher and doesn’t get paid to deal with crap from kids
• Was fired from job as a teacher after video went viral
• Blamed the mother of the teens she berated for not raising her kids right
• Further video emerged of her berating and attacking some chick in a truck

3. Hurricane Beefaroni vs. 11. Boston Hit and Run Houdini

3. Hurricane Beefaroni

• Became very upset after someone parked a truck in front of her parent’s house in Bristol
• In one of the greatest videos of all time she had to be held back by her mother while trying to assault the owner of the truck
• Knocked her mother down repeatedly and had to have her pajama clad stepfather come out and hogtie her
• Threw a glass bottle at the brand new truck, nearly hitting her mother who was lying down on the ground defeated by life
• Went online and made a video claiming that anyone’s mother who tried fucking with her was “getting bodied”
• Was taken away by the Bristol PD in a spit mask because she kept spitting on them

https://twitter.com/xoheej/status/1027796240182870016

https://twitter.com/xoheej/status/1027804054498336768

11. Boston Hit and Run Houdini

• Hit and killed a man in Boston and didn’t stop
• When the news found out where he lived he did an incriminating interview, admitted to killing the man, and claimed that lots of people hit and run all the time
• Said that he’s a gangsta, but a good gangsta
• Previously assaulted his mailman who defended himself against his aggressive dog
• Plans to be a rich and famous rapper
• Makes movies showing himself “chillin”
• Frequently posts about how racist society is oppressing him, along with choice words for the police and FBI
• Ironically calls police cowards

2. Franklin Smollett vs. 10. Juicy Jasiel Correia

2. Franklin Smollett

• Brought his aggressive and un-neutuered pitbulls to an Attleboro dog park where they humped a woman’s dog repeatedly
• Stayed in car while this was happening, and only came out to berate and film the woman who asked him to get his dogs off of her’s
• Posted video everywhere, claimed she’s a racist without evidence
• Came on our show and embarrassed himself after lecturing us about white privilege
• Has open case for felony domestic assault against him
• Blames the victim of his assault, who he is not allowed to contact but does anyway
• Messaged family members of the assault victim calling the victim a ho and other choice words
• The victim was his girlfriend and a junkie stripper who he supplies with drugs
• Filmed himself bringing another junkie to Providence to confront and beat her in the streets for stealing drugs from him
• Associates openly with violent felons
• Was arrested days after being exposed by us for drug dealing
• Was supposed to go on Inside Edition but it was cancelled after we alerted them of his true character, he blamed this on white privilege

10. Juicy Jasiel Correia

• Mayor of Fall River, arrested by feds on multiple felony charges
• Stole hundreds of thousands of dollars from investors for an app that never came to fruition, spending it on lap dances, fancy suits, and other hoodrat stuff
• Taunted people attempting to recall him, then accused them of hacking into his account
• Accidentally posted proof that he has a Tinder account, despite having a smoking hot girlfriend who he spent investor’s money on
• Held an insane conference in which he brought his ratchet Port-a-gee cult members, who accused the police and reporters of being fake news
• Refused to resign, got recalled, but stayed in office anyway because Fall River is a fucked up cesspool of nonsense

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