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Saw a friend share a picture of these Worcester panhandlers today and we had to say something:
Let’s just ignore the fact that we have here two able bodied, young adults who are whining about having no income and trying to guilty you into giving them your hard earned money. Let’s ignore that the hundreds of idiots who give the wastes of space money should be EXECUTED (and I mean EXECUTED) in the DCU Center to a sold out crowd. Let’s ignore the fact that that this is all Tracy Novick’s fault.
Instead, lets focus on the fact that panhandlers don’t even look like panhandlers anymore because it’s obviously become such a profitable enterprise. First of all, I don’t own a backpack this nice:
Look at all those compartments. It wasn’t purchased in 1996, which means, it’s newer than the only backpack I own. And how bout that hat? That’s a cool fucking hat. Hats like that are for taxpayers. It’s warm, loud, hilarious, and clearly somewhat new. This girl just went on a fucking shopping spree and now she’s begging for money in Lincoln Square.
And panhandlers are supposed to wear Shaw’s brand sneakers. These look nicer than any sneakers ANYONE in the Turtleboy household owns:
And her jeans aren’t ripped or covered in mustard stains, which is more than I can say for either of the two pairs of jeans I’ve purchased in the last 12 years.
And how bout the dude? Check out his lower half:
Are those work boots? Dude, work boots are for working. This offends me as a literalist. Those are still as fresh as the day he bought them. Turtleboy dreams of someday owning a fresh pair of Timberlands, but unfortunately I’m stuck paying for all things Turtleboy Jr. until the day he inherits this blog. I HATE the fact that this guy is so well dressed, even if he still dresses like every cool kid from 1999.
Oh yea, and he’s also much more attractive than I am:
Dude, you look like Ethan Hawke and your wardrobe puts Turtleboy to shame. Get a job and stop being such a dooshnozzle. If you can’t make in America with those kind of prerequisite skills then you don’t deserve to live in America. Panhandling is for people who lost their marbles in NAM or burnt every bridge they ever had by stealing their mother’s credit cards to feed their habits. You’re just a normal looking guy trying to capitalize on Tracy Novick’s idiocy. Fuck you panhandler.
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