I Pray To God That After We Blow Out The Falcons And Win Super Bowl 51 Tom Brady Will Stop Being A Nice Person And Emasculate Roger Goodell

There’s no way the Patriots can lose to the Atlanta Falcons in the Super Bowl. The only question is, what will Tom Brady do to Roger Goodell after he’s forced to hand him the Lombardi Trophy?

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Turtleboy doesn’t admit he’s wrong very often because he’s hardly ever wrong. But we’ve never been more wrong about anything than we were to believe that the Pittsburgh Steelers had ANY chance of beating us. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Never again.

Not for nothing, but we did an impromptu Turtleboy Live show at halftime, and we basically called the final score. The prediction was so accurate it was scary. The Patriots would score 2 more TD’s, and 2 more FG’s, giving them a 37-9 lead. And that would’ve happened is Gostkowski didn’t miss a meaningless PAT. WE also said the Steelers would get a garbage time TD, go for 2, and fail, leaving them with 15 points. That exact same scenario happened and but they scored on the 2 point conversion. Nevertheless, the turtle does not fuck around.

Going into this game all we heard about is how the Patriots haven’t played any good quarterbacks this year. And the only good one they did face (Russell Wilson) they lost to. Well, I’m pretty sure Ben Roethlisberger is regarded as a “good quarterback,” and I’m pretty sure we made him eat his own shit last night.


All week we heard about how unstoppable Antonio Brown and Leveon Bell were. Didn’t see much of them last night. Bell did what he always does in big games – tapped out. And Antonio couldn’t catch his normal amount of footballs because he couldn’t figure out how to get open. Too bad, was really looking forward to Antonio Brown’s Facebook Live session from a losing locker room.


And that final score of 36-17 is pretty deceiving too. Wasn’t that close. We handed them a meaningless garbage time touchdown at the end because we were already booking our flights to Houston.

As if you needed any further proof that Tom Brady is the GOAT, he threw for 384 yards with three touchdowns and zero interceptions. He hit nine different receivers, none of who are named Gronkowski. He threw two touchdowns to a guy who was riding the pine for the Buffalo freaking Bills last year. This is what the great ones do – they make people like Chris Hogan legends.


We obviously need to win one more, but I just can’t imagine this team losing. No fucking way. Too much on the line. No quarterback has ever won five Super Bowls. Winning this one officially kills anyone’s argument who still thinks Joe Montana can hold a candle to Tom Brady’s career. A 5-2 Super Bowl record sounds a lot better than a 4-3 Super Bowl record.


Luckily Brady gets to go against the 28th ranked pass defense in the league. The only playoff team with a worse pass defense than the Falcons are the steamy pile of poo known as the Green Bay Packers, who they just threw all over to have the honor of playing us. Meanwhile the Patriots defense gave up less points than any other team this season. There’s just no way we can lose to this team.


Plus, we’re due for a blowout. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed making seven Super Bowls since Brady and Belichick took the reigns. But these nailbiter Super Bowl wins are gonna be the death of me. The Broncos won an easy one last year. The Seahawks won an easy one two years before that. All these teams get to win easy Super Bowls. It’s our turn for a blowout.

The real question is, what’s Tom Brady gonna do when Roger Goodell has no choice but to hand him the Lombardi Trophy? Because little bitch has been dodging us for the last two years. He went to Goddamn Atlanta back to back weekends just to avoid us. No one in the history of mankind has ever purposely chosen to go to Atlanta on back to back weekends. It’s a terrible, God forsaken place. As Marty Bennett so eloquently put it – dude is Where’s Waldo:

So what did Martellus Bennett think of them?

“I don’t know, who is Roger?” he asked.

“Roger Goodell. The commissioner,” a reporter replied.

“Oh, yeah. Where is he? It’s like Waldo right now,” Bennett said. “He doesn’t want to come here. He doesn’t know where he’s at.”

Of course we know the real reason he didn’t come is because he’s scared shitless. He knows what he did to Brady was wrong. He knows he’s worse than any war criminal. He knows there’s a bounty on his head. He suspended Brady for four games because he thought it would keep us from getting to the Super Bowl. But here we are. And now he can’t run away from us any longer. I just pray to God that Brady doesn’t sell out and play the nice guy when Goodell hands him the trophy. Unfortunately Tom Brady is a really, really good person. He’s no mortal man, and I can easily see him forgiving this sinner who has so badly wronged him, being the bigger man, and shaking Goodell’s filthy satanic hands.

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Oh well, the butthurts could always just do what the Hillary diehards have been doing for the last three months – put their fingers in their ears and yell “Not my AFC Champion!!”




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15 Comment(s)
  • Sal Monella
    January 23, 2017 at 6:27 pm

    Brady should cock punch Goodell.

    • Wormtowny
      January 23, 2017 at 7:23 pm

      I predict that Brady has some Vanilla Nut Taps for Goodell

    • Turd Burglestein
      January 24, 2017 at 7:01 am

      Small logistics problem here…one would need a cock in order to receive a cock punch. Brady could give him a poon punch though.

  • FatFingr Lou
    January 23, 2017 at 6:15 pm

    The Patriots kitchen sink, which we’ve never seen , ever, is coming out!

    Hahaha…just kidding. Why reveal what they could do NEXT year?

    The Patriots running game will grind slow, and fine. Matty Ice will be sitting on ice.

    TB gets a QB sneak TD…just because.

  • Chris From Georgia
    January 23, 2017 at 2:30 pm

    There will be a Superbowl victory party at my house. I may live in Georgia now but the Patriots will always be my team. That being said its a win win for me!!!

  • Talisman
    January 23, 2017 at 2:22 pm

    Would love to hear Belichick say, “Thank you commissioner, for presiding over the NFL’s decline in viewers and fans because of your constant promotion and advocating of liberal douchebaggery and politics. Your referees suck and should all be fired until you can staff crews that can call games consistently. Plus, your hypocritical investigations into player and team conduct, that you were unable to substantiate but dealt out a penalties anyway, like you, is a joke….FUCK YOU VERY MUCH COMMISSIONER GOODELL!”

    • Talisman
      January 23, 2017 at 2:24 pm

      *out penalties

  • Hughbo Mont
    January 23, 2017 at 1:52 pm

    Thanks for the jinx…

  • Paul Larson
    January 23, 2017 at 1:49 pm

    I don’t like the sportsball game. Woodrow Wilson (regressive democrat) signed an executive order in 2018 to make Super Bowl Monday a national holiday. People not working. How Unamerican. Democrats hate productivity. I hate democrats. I HATE Woodrow Wilson. He funds Planned Parenthood, but specifies that his money can only be used for abortions. And, then they send the fetuses to him and he presses the juices in a cider press and throws them at my house. Mussolini admires his gumption. Seriously, Wilson is a chode.

    Paul Larson

    • Paul Larson
      January 23, 2017 at 2:14 pm

      I didn’t write the above post. Hitler, the socialist, killed 6 million of the 1%, aka Jews. American women since Roe v Wade have killed over 57 million unique human individuals. So who is worse? Hitler or American women.

      Obviously American women are much worse than Hitler.

      Paul Larson

      • Paul Larson
        January 23, 2017 at 2:22 pm

        That is why I love Hitler, and MEN like him… And women are yucky.

        Please make the Air Force HAARP bastards stop making me make runny stools in my pants. I turns most men off… Except Kevin Lynch… My sick baby loves slopping in the stinky mud. Hi Kevie… 😉

        Paul Larson

        • Paul Larson
          January 23, 2017 at 3:36 pm

          I didn’t write the above post. Actually, I am in much better health that the coward using my name implies. I follow Chinese medicine and have since 1973. These SJWs are such a bunch of cowards. They can’t take responsibility for their ideas. Nor do they know anything about history. They are all socialists just like Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, FDR, LBJ and Obama.

          Paul Larson

          • Paul Larson
            January 23, 2017 at 3:49 pm

            I forget whether or not I am responsible for the previous post. However, that doesn’t change the fact that I have a rosewood pen which I won for writing letters to the Telegram & Gazette. Did I already mention that? I forget. I’ve become rather forgetful in my old age. Anyways, Mussolini, Hitler, Stalin, FDR, LBJ, and Obama can never claim that accomplishment therefore I am superior.

            Paul Larson

          • Paul Larson
            January 23, 2017 at 4:04 pm

            Yes! I am Chinese medical doctor!! I only use all natural medicinal plants, herbs and roots. I process the leaves of the coca plant… blend the resulting powder with yohimbe bark… and powdered rhinoceros horn. (True actual Chinese remedy!!) Gives me a raging hard-on for a week!! Then, I process poppy flowers… melt the resulting tar in a spoon and inject the output directly to the blood stream. Sleepy time! The Chinese have processed these poppy flowers for centuries. They became well known for their poppy liquid “dens”. You can smoke it, drink it, inject it… They really know what they’re doing. Chinese doctors are genius. Milk of the poppy and rhino horn… where it’s at! Fuck Pasteur and Salk, western medicine hacks. China White is the bomb!! Got polio? Chinese can’t fix that… But you can see shit that ain’t there on Laudanum!

            Paul Larson

  • Turd Burglestein
    January 23, 2017 at 1:46 pm


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