There’s no way the Patriots can lose to the Atlanta Falcons in the Super Bowl. The only question is, what will Tom Brady do to Roger Goodell after he’s forced to hand him the Lombardi Trophy?
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Turtleboy doesn’t admit he’s wrong very often because he’s hardly ever wrong. But we’ve never been more wrong about anything than we were to believe that the Pittsburgh Steelers had ANY chance of beating us. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Never again.
Not for nothing, but we did an impromptu Turtleboy Live show at halftime, and we basically called the final score. The prediction was so accurate it was scary. The Patriots would score 2 more TD’s, and 2 more FG’s, giving them a 37-9 lead. And that would’ve happened is Gostkowski didn’t miss a meaningless PAT. WE also said the Steelers would get a garbage time TD, go for 2, and fail, leaving them with 15 points. That exact same scenario happened and but they scored on the 2 point conversion. Nevertheless, the turtle does not fuck around.
Going into this game all we heard about is how the Patriots haven’t played any good quarterbacks this year. And the only good one they did face (Russell Wilson) they lost to. Well, I’m pretty sure Ben Roethlisberger is regarded as a “good quarterback,” and I’m pretty sure we made him eat his own shit last night.
All week we heard about how unstoppable Antonio Brown and Leveon Bell were. Didn’t see much of them last night. Bell did what he always does in big games – tapped out. And Antonio couldn’t catch his normal amount of footballs because he couldn’t figure out how to get open. Too bad, was really looking forward to Antonio Brown’s Facebook Live session from a losing locker room.
And that final score of 36-17 is pretty deceiving too. Wasn’t that close. We handed them a meaningless garbage time touchdown at the end because we were already booking our flights to Houston.
As if you needed any further proof that Tom Brady is the GOAT, he threw for 384 yards with three touchdowns and zero interceptions. He hit nine different receivers, none of who are named Gronkowski. He threw two touchdowns to a guy who was riding the pine for the Buffalo freaking Bills last year. This is what the great ones do – they make people like Chris Hogan legends.
We obviously need to win one more, but I just can’t imagine this team losing. No fucking way. Too much on the line. No quarterback has ever won five Super Bowls. Winning this one officially kills anyone’s argument who still thinks Joe Montana can hold a candle to Tom Brady’s career. A 5-2 Super Bowl record sounds a lot better than a 4-3 Super Bowl record.
Luckily Brady gets to go against the 28th ranked pass defense in the league. The only playoff team with a worse pass defense than the Falcons are the steamy pile of poo known as the Green Bay Packers, who they just threw all over to have the honor of playing us. Meanwhile the Patriots defense gave up less points than any other team this season. There’s just no way we can lose to this team.
Plus, we’re due for a blowout. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed making seven Super Bowls since Brady and Belichick took the reigns. But these nailbiter Super Bowl wins are gonna be the death of me. The Broncos won an easy one last year. The Seahawks won an easy one two years before that. All these teams get to win easy Super Bowls. It’s our turn for a blowout.
The real question is, what’s Tom Brady gonna do when Roger Goodell has no choice but to hand him the Lombardi Trophy? Because little bitch has been dodging us for the last two years. He went to Goddamn Atlanta back to back weekends just to avoid us. No one in the history of mankind has ever purposely chosen to go to Atlanta on back to back weekends. It’s a terrible, God forsaken place. As Marty Bennett so eloquently put it – dude is Where’s Waldo:
So what did Martellus Bennett think of them?
“I don’t know, who is Roger?” he asked.
“Roger Goodell. The commissioner,” a reporter replied.
“Oh, yeah. Where is he? It’s like Waldo right now,” Bennett said. “He doesn’t want to come here. He doesn’t know where he’s at.”
Never forget …. now it's personal pic.twitter.com/FbfLkERl1O
— Scott Zolak (@scottzolak) January 23, 2017
— Fausto (@EL_CAPITAN70) January 23, 2017
Of course we know the real reason he didn’t come is because he’s scared shitless. He knows what he did to Brady was wrong. He knows he’s worse than any war criminal. He knows there’s a bounty on his head. He suspended Brady for four games because he thought it would keep us from getting to the Super Bowl. But here we are. And now he can’t run away from us any longer. I just pray to God that Brady doesn’t sell out and play the nice guy when Goodell hands him the trophy. Unfortunately Tom Brady is a really, really good person. He’s no mortal man, and I can easily see him forgiving this sinner who has so badly wronged him, being the bigger man, and shaking Goodell’s filthy satanic hands.
Oh well, the butthurts could always just do what the Hillary diehards have been doing for the last three months – put their fingers in their ears and yell “Not my AFC Champion!!”
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