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So the other day we wrote a blog about the top 5 worst streets in Worcester for traffic. I thought it was a pretty non-controversial blog but somehow we find a way to offend everyone regardless of the topic. I mean, we talking bout TRAFFIC here people!! Traffic!! Today we will discuss one of Worcester’s most famous landmarks – Kelley Square.

For the record I was borderline on including Grafton street in there. Highland, Cambridge, Park Ave, and Main Street were no-brainers. For the fifth slot I had to pick between Grafton, Vernon St, Chandler St, Burncoat St, Pleasant St, and Belmont St. I went with Grafton because Belmont is basically a continuation of Highland, Chandler is two lanes in the “cultural” part of the street, Pleasant St is wide, and Vernon St is pretty short. Grafton street is a 4 mile nightmare, that’s why it made the list.

But the comments that I thought were most hilarious were these ones:

“I’m surprised kelly square wasn’t top 5 when there’s traffic over there that place is a death trap gotta hope you make it out alive every time.”

“you all forgot about kelley square. that is a nightmare.”

“Kelley Square is the worst”

Listen up geniuses:

1) Kelley Square isn’t a street, so it would be hard to rank it in the top 5 worst streets for traffic.

2) Anyone who struggles with Kelley Square needs to get the hell off the roads because you’re getting in the way of people who know what they’re doing.

There are only two types of people who have trouble with Kelley Square – townies and morons. Carpetbaggers from Sutton get nervous because they heard about this mythical intersection in driver’s ed. Morons on the other hand have lived in Worcester their entire lives aggravating everyone around them. But fear not, these people don’t have to ruin your day. For the record, this is how you drive through Kelley Square coming from Madison Street. Watch and learn:

First you’ll notice that often there is a long line that has been built up because the egghead in front can’t figure out how Kelley Square works:

Once you approach Kelley Square you will see that the left lane is for taking a left onto Green Street, and the right land is for jumping into the clusterfuck. More often than not you’re going to be going to the right. Notice when you get closer you will see this:

Look at the size of that opening on the left. One could call that gaping. I’m not talking about the left hand land with the stop sign. I’m talking about all that extra room there. Here’s a Turtleboy move for you all going forward – always merge in there at the last second because after that it’s a free for all anyway.

I mean, just look at the Red CRV. It’s like they’re BEGGING me to jump in there:

After you get by that and prepare to enter you will see hesitant simpletons that can’t figure out what to do:

This is what I call a free lunch. The blue car on the right is forgetting the #1 rule of Kelley Square – GO!! That’s the only rule. Just go. Don’t be nice, don’t be polite, and don’t worry about the rules of the road. Kelley Square has no rules. It is organized anarchy and nothing less. And it works.

Now I happened to jump on the highway west, but if for whatever reason you’re deciding to get onto 290 EAST from there, don’t be a dingleberry and wait in line. Because there is a 100% chance the mental midget up front who is trying to turn left won’t sack up and turn into traffic. They will literally wait there until the light turns red and hope for better luck the next time around. Don’t be a follower. Create your own destiny. Go right to the front, find an opening, and turn onto the ramp as quickly as possible. And don’t worry about getting pulled over either. Five minutes later you’ll be Shrewsbury’s problem.

“But Turtleboy, what do I do if I’m coming from the other direction?”

Great question. The other way is almost always easier. Here’s what you do:

You’ll notice that you are greeted by a wall of ass. Car ass.

Keep in mind that 90% of the people in front of you are nudniks that will slowly go through the intersection, applying their breaks when one of Green Island’s finest stumbles across the street on his way to the MENSA meeting at the Hotel Vernon. Don’t forget the rule of thumb though – they will only do what you let them get away with. You’re in a car. They’re not going to jump in front of you unless you let them. Too many morons don’t understand this which is why they have miserable experiences with Kelley Square.

Now I’d recommend staying to the right as much as possible, but sometimes geniuses on the right aren’t moving. So you may encounter a situation like we did such as this:

Just remember that your car can fit around them AND they’re not aggressive drivers, so they’re gonna let you in. You don’t have to worry about aggressive drivers in Kelley Square – you have to worry about drivers who AREN’T aggressive. That’s why I passed this white van, which looks like it’s used in every movie you’ve ever seen involving a kidnapping, so easily. They just let me go, and they’ll let you go too. Don’t be the guy BEHIND the guy who is letting everyone go. Be the guy that he or she is letting go.

Next thing you know you’ll be opening up to a two land paradise:

which will lead you to some of the more beautiful, breathtaking images of Worcester you will see:

Show me a city with more magnificently abandoned parking lots. You can’t. Thank God they’ve put up five layers of barbed wire around it too. Otherwise Green Island’s finest would be in there at night stealing our world famous weed grass out of the parking lot cracks.

Some people say that they want a light at Kelley Square. These people need to jump off a bridge or stop talking. Kelley Square is magnificent because it works. You are in and you are out. Anyone who can’t get through Kelley Square in under 10 seconds shouldn’t be on the road anyway. We should never cater to morons like that. A light would be a disaster. Do you realize how LONG that light would be? Do you realize that every a-hole in Worcester is going to press the walk button at those lights? Do you realize you can’t go through red lights and you’d be there all day? Be thankful that you have this wonderful shmorgisborg of traffic debauchery and ride it like you ride the turtle.

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