All-Star Criminals

Introducing “Ask Desk Girl!” The New Advice Column For Our Family-Friendly Feminist Blog! 

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The thing most of you have figured out by now is that we featured Desk Girl in now-deleted blog when she was trying to charge people money to view her Instagram account. Abi, as she is named but not called, was trying to appeal to wangstas by posing almost naked with a bunch of Pitbulls. She later told us that she watched a bunch of Kylie Jenner videos and thought she could get rich by copying that Twitter-trashbag but had a bad reaction to sucking her face in cup to try and get the lips.

Well, Desk Girl was bullshit about all the nasty things we had to say to her. She hopped in her Ford Focus, which was covered with Unicorn and Coexist stickers, and drove to our offices in Fitchburg. Once she finished screaming at us, and then explained her grievances, we realized what this girl needed most was a job that wasn’t a PCA for her mom. We hired her and now it’s her job to answer all our hate mail and take the rare walk in. She believes that as long as she works here we will keep the blog about her down. How else do you think we could have such an SJW working for us? She, to this day, is the only one who has ever succeeded in getting us to fold and remove a story. So, when she says she really feels bad for these people we write about it – she means it. She’s been there.

But lately she’s become salty. Ever since we put another chick on staff, because we are a family-friendly feminist blog, the competition has been too much for Desk Girl to handle. We’ve decided to let her spread her wings a bit because we feel slightly bad she’s stuck taking the brunt of all the people we piss off.

What Desk Girl is really good at is rationalizing with the irrational. She’s even better at giving advice to the downtrodden ratchets. It helps that she’s clingy and has no social clicks. She’s a perpetual oversharer and is always just happy someone is talking to her.

So, we are letting Abi start “Ask Desk Girl.” Turtleriders, and anyone really, can send her a message with a problem they are having and she will post her response on the blog. Feel free to troll her. She won’t have any clue. We really just want her to shut up and quit bringing us the charity cases that tug on her heartstrings. It’s getting old because we really don’t care if someone who got shamed in our blog is butthurt.

You can message her here and follow her on the brand new page “Ask Desk Girl.”

All submissions will be confidential, and if you don’t have a preferential alias you’d like to be called, she will assign you one.

Don’t worry, we will still be sharing her best hate mail responses too as our loyal turtles seem to enjoy her uncanny ability to talk hoodrats down from their anger.

We also have a new tech guy name Gupta that will be helping occasional subjects remove anything that displeases them.

We’re here to please.


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36 Comment(s)
  • nancy
    January 24, 2017 at 2:30 pm

    if u ever need another wiseass girl commenter, please let me know. I do work for free

  • Cracking me up
    January 24, 2017 at 2:01 pm

    I can’t even… oh my …. I love these comments , they just add to the chaos that we all know as TBS.

  • TG
    January 23, 2017 at 10:15 pm

    I would hardly call you a feminist blog, but do whatever you gotta do to make yourself feel better and keep a female audience.

    • January 24, 2017 at 1:09 am

      You get that it’s a joke, right?

      • BobnMic
        January 24, 2017 at 4:28 am

        I don’t think hardly anybody in here understands a sense of humor anymore. Sad but true the fucking cry baby pussies. Make a joke then the violins start playing followed by the use of Cottonelle FreshCare Flushable Cleansing Cloths for butthurt treatment.

        • Tarbash The Egyptian Magician
          January 24, 2017 at 7:13 am

          Oh the irony is so delicious with that statement. You’re the biggest crybaby pussy with a terminal case of the butthurts on this page. You probably have a pallet of those Cottonelle soothing wipes next to your fainting couch you pearl clutching weenie.

          Oh and before I forget


          • BobnMic
            January 24, 2017 at 1:20 pm

            Bartrash – Your fixation with me is beyond weird and not that funny but apparently to you it is a riot. What do you do refresh the page 5 or more times to make it look like others agree wholeheartedly with you? Nice try fucknut.

            Again – commenters are not stupid people. So far I counted 15 fucking troll comments from you on just this article alone that have nothing to do with anything. The only two commenters in here that proudly served our country (that I know of) are the ones you target the most. And I’m talking every-fucking-day.

            Why is that Bartrash and why do have such disdain for upstanding citizens who have served our country and our communities with distinction, pride and honor?

            Furthermore – what do want to do suck my fucking dick or something? It sure seems like it. Who else would spend their time pouring through article after article after article looking for one guy with a screen name BobnMic so you can think of ways of poking holes in whatever he comments on no matter what?

            NEWSFLASH – Sorry fruitcake I don’t swing that way. Go back to your male anus and penis pics you leather homo freak.

          • Officer BobnMic
            January 24, 2017 at 1:35 pm

            Hey… hey you SJW, stop posting as me!! I’m going to arrest you then take my police baton and fuck your ass! Lucky for you it’s not real. I bought a wiffle bat from dollar tree and painted it black. Tomato, tomatoe!!

          • BobnMic Is A Literal Dickhead
            January 24, 2017 at 2:50 pm

            In this picture I’m actually sleeping dreaming of dicks!

          • Bartrash The Egyptian Magician Who Chaps BobnMic's Anus So Bad
            January 24, 2017 at 2:51 pm


            U MAD BRO?

          • Turd Burglestein
            January 24, 2017 at 5:32 pm

            Quit yer crying you little bitch baby. And the only person I’m fucking with here is you. I have no beef with Paul Larson and am not responsible for any of the fake Paul Larson posts. Paul is alright in my book and I thank him for his service. You on the other hand suck and I’m gonna troll your sorry ass until the end of time.

        • January 24, 2017 at 11:06 am

          I love those asswipes. If you put them on the radiator they are warm on your hole. Best. Thing. Ever. Even for long-winded bloggers.

      • TG
        January 24, 2017 at 6:32 am

        YESSSSSSSSSSSSS.. I DOOOOOO. Thank you soooo much for taking the time out of your extremely long winded blogging to point that out. Just pointing out that this blog says some pretty sexist things at time.

        • January 24, 2017 at 11:03 am

          Is it mansplaining if a chick is doing it?

          • Turd Burglestein
            January 24, 2017 at 5:19 pm

            Nah…it’s called chicksplaining when a woman does it.

          • TG
            January 25, 2017 at 8:31 am

            Nope. How often do you go back to see who reads your comments? LOL I don’t do it, unless my comments are to you. I love to watch your need to comment all the time. A 9-5 will cure that.

          • January 25, 2017 at 9:50 am

            You are aware that there is an app that does this magical thing called “notify” me, right? I get all the magical notifications on my screen because I use the ap to blog. It’s like some straight up Hogwarts shit.

  • wtatnuckgangsta
    January 23, 2017 at 6:15 pm

    OMG deskgirl if we didn’t hate females so much, we could be best friends. I love you from afar. I also have an athletic body that wouldn’t get me jack for cash on Instagram. So, no threat in that department. Tits and ass are too much for me to carry around. I’m fuckin lazy in that sense. Let’s Internet hug but not even a real hug. Like a agree on the Internet thing. You have a job I could do. I like that. Keep calling out bullshit, especially among chicks.

    One question though: WTF is your education because that’s some big beef with me. Get edumacated ya broad.

  • Finally
    January 23, 2017 at 4:04 pm

    My mediocre life is finally complete.

  • January 23, 2017 at 2:19 pm

  • BobnMic
    January 23, 2017 at 1:54 pm

    Dear Desk Girl,
    Can you do anything about that mean ole Turd Burglestein & FiestyLawyerLady making me look like a moron all the time? Also if you could help me out with some witty comebacks I would love you forever.


    P.S. I really don’t own a gerbil that I put in my butt either, but if I did I would certainly buy him all the Hartz treats he could eat.

    • BobnMic's Gerbil
      January 23, 2017 at 1:55 pm

      LIAR!!! You stuff me up your poop chute daily, never bothering to wipe first, and you have NEVER and I mean EVER bought me a single goddam Hartz treat the entire time you’ve owned me.

      I wish you’d bring me back to Petsmart for a refund.

      • BobnMic's Gaping Anus
        January 23, 2017 at 2:03 pm

        Hey Gerbil, you ungrateful little shit. You should consider your daily visits to my backdoor like a trip to the Grand Canyon. Where else are you going to see such a magnificent view?

    • Paul Larson
      January 23, 2017 at 5:07 pm

      I didn’t write the post above BobnMic’s post.

      Paul Larson

      • Paul Larson
        January 23, 2017 at 5:12 pm

        BobnMic’s Gerbil wrote that.

        Paul Larson

        • Paul Larson
          January 23, 2017 at 5:13 pm

          BobnMic’s Gaping Anus wrote that… (How an anus types, I don’t know. Maybe it’s HAARP mind control… )

          Paul Larson

          • Paul Larson
            January 23, 2017 at 5:14 pm

            Dammit!! I got the HAARP shits again!!!


            Paul Larson

          • BobnMic's Gaping Anus
            January 23, 2017 at 5:45 pm

            Paul Larson wanted to know how a gaping anus could possibly type. Well Paul, it is much harder that you’d think. I tried using a speech to text program because as you know a gaping anus has no hands or fingers…..but because I talk out my ass it was just putting FART FART FART FART on the screen. So what I do instead is I hover my gaping anus over a touchscreen keyboard and I have this dangling hemmoroid and I squat down over the letter I want to type. It takes some practice, but I’ve mastered the technique over the years.

            The More You Know

        • BobnMic's Gerbil
          January 23, 2017 at 5:41 pm

          I typed it out with my little paws. That’s a feat in itself considering I have to use a full size keyboard.

  • Paul Larson
    January 23, 2017 at 1:34 pm

    Hi Desk Girl,

    I love your screenshotted conversations, I can tell you are truly caring and love humans of all kinds. Did anyone ever tell you that you look like that Barb chick from Stranger Things? Anyways, I’d like to know how to stop cowards, libtards, communists, and homosexuals from posting witty, (hilarious) historically accurate comments in my name?

    Your fan,
    Paul Larson (he of the rosewood pen)

    PS. Have you ever seen a weepy red rash around the base of the, um, tree… Mostly on the, um, ornamental rocks and adjacent ground, but not really on the tree proper? And, if so, what would, um, my friend use to make it go away? Ointment? Cream? Prescription? OTC?

    • Paul Larson
      January 23, 2017 at 2:24 pm

      I didn’t write the above post. I believe in evolution, so I do not care about people who need help. I help myself and anyone who wants help from others can ask the unreasonable Libs for help.

      Paul Larson

      • Paul Larson
        January 23, 2017 at 2:30 pm

        Coward. You are too much of a coward to use your real name. I did write that comment. Because I really do need help. I want to stop these spineless jellyfishes from using my name. I spent several lifetimes building up that name. Culminating in my letter of the week, grand prize sweepstakes award, an engraved rosewood pen, and letter of acknowledgement signed, in ink, by Chris Sinacola of the T&G! Let me know your real name and I will come right to your house (if it isn’t dark yet, I don’t drive after dark) and you will learn about my hard/soft hand. You won’t be so tough then jellyfish.

        Paul Larson

        • Paul Larson
          January 23, 2017 at 3:46 pm

          I didn’t write the above post. But if anyone wants to confront me, I will be at the Lincoln St. VA office tomorrow. Undemocratic Democrats don’t believe in democracy. Democracy depends on at least 2 different ideas to offer the people choices. But Dems paid thugs to bet up Republicans, the MSM tried to silence rump after they pushed him to the nomination (thinking Hillary would easily beat him) and someone burned down a Republican headquarters. I can’t believe anyone would do that but a narrow-minded Democrat.

          Paul Larson

          • Paul Larson
            January 23, 2017 at 3:52 pm

            So be at the Lincoln St VA… I’ll be easy to find!! I’m the guy with the gray Hulk Hogan skullett… 9 inch gray fu manchu stache… wearing a gray and black kimono (because I won’t wear Woodrow Wilson’s infernal invention. I refuse to roast my testes in his crotch pot pants.).

          • The Donald
            January 23, 2017 at 5:21 pm

            Hillary couldn’t beat me… She couldn’t beat my meat on a dozen viagra at a Hedonism resort… (Been there, tried that…)

  • January 23, 2017 at 1:32 pm

    As mentioned in a previous discussion, I have a crush on Desk Girl.

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