All-Star Criminals

It’s Phat Is Out On $40 Bail After Drug Dealing Arrest By Yarmouth PD Despite 39 Prior Charges, Even Though She Would Probably LOVE Jail

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If you like committing crime, and you don’t like going to jail, then move to Yarmouth. Because you can get arrested infinity times there and never have to worry about being behind bars for more than a couple hours. Just gaze your eyes upon this Mass Health Monsoon.


I don’t even know where to start. Maybe let’s begin with the obvious. HER???

If that thing grew a chinstrap it would go down to her fupa.

At first I figured we had another one of those dudes who didn’t wanna go to men’s prison so he said he was a chick and the state had to humor him. But as it turns out it’s an actual waddling bag of cholesterol with with two x chromosomes. There’s a meat flap in there somewhere, you just have to navigate through four or five layers of honch so thick that an entire Thai soccer team could get lost in the folds. She’s no BLT-123. She’s just another scissorsaurus looking for a slice of punani pie.

And of all the names. Kelley Keith. Tell me you didn’t think she just swapped her first and last name when you read the article. Let’s be honest – she looks like 99.9% of Keith’s ever.

And the poor Yarmouth Police Department can’t catch a break either. Does anyone in Cape Cod EVER go to jail? What does a bitch have to do to get locked up for a weekend or two? You’re telling me Chunky Brewster here wouldn’t have a good time in jail?

I’ve seen Orange is the New Black. She would LOVE jail!

Seriously though, $40? For someone with 39 freaking priors? Do they accept food stamps?? You shouldn’t be able to get out of jail after your 39th arrest for less money than it costs to fill up your gas tank.

Don’t worry though, I’m sure It’s Phat here learned her lesson this time around. LOL. Just kidding. Same time next week. After all, there’s seemingly no consequences for breaking the law if you do so in Yarmouth, where you can be arrested over 100 times and still have no fear of ever going to jail. Ever.

54 Comment(s)
  • stephanie
    December 18, 2018 at 10:17 am

    this is my cousin Kelly, and her mother; my aunt just died two weeks ago, shes going through a lot so STFU you f***ing loser mother f***ers!!!! <3

  • Burlando Castile
    December 10, 2018 at 10:50 am

    Call me Ahab, but this is what happens the whale model for the Pacific Life Insurance gets laid off. 

  • Maura Heely
    December 10, 2018 at 8:11 am

    I wouldn’t bang her with YOUR dick.

  • Mahky Mahk Ballbag
    December 9, 2018 at 9:27 pm

    Cape Cod, where the fat necked service sucking tattooed losers out number the people who want to work or “study” to be hairdressers and aspiring rappers.

    • I seent it in a cummershal
      December 11, 2018 at 2:45 am

      I believe you left out the noble profession of Medical Billing and Coding from the list.

  • whatevuh
    December 9, 2018 at 9:02 pm

    Finally, proof the Indian really did fuck the water buffalo . . .

  • Nino Brown
    December 9, 2018 at 11:36 am

    Is crack still a thang?

  • It's yeah, not yea
    December 9, 2018 at 11:06 am

    Chris Christie is a lesbian?

  • Dicky Dickerson
    December 9, 2018 at 11:01 am

    Cape Cod, more specifically West Yarmouth and Hyannis, did not become one of the worst sewers in the state by accident and over night. Liberal careless selfish morons in government made sure of it, slowly and surely. A District Attorney’s Office run by a lazy inept moron who looks like lizard. A judicial system that despite recent signs of selective toughness, has been a feeding trough for slobs who couldn’t give a rat’s ass about the community. Justice is an interesting concept on the Cape and many believe there is such a thing in better run places, but not on the Cape; the Cape is fucked and people just accept it, pretending it’s all worth it because not everyone will get jabbed by dirty needles walking the beach. The place is loaded with high paid dirty government hacks who line their pockets on the fact that there is no oversight. But mainly, the government sucks. There’s no plan. Just an ongoing hackarama. Why wouldn’t it get worse?

    • Captain Trips
      Charles Darwin
      December 9, 2018 at 5:55 pm

      I visited Main St Hyannis for the first time in 35 years. I could not BELIEVE the difference. Used to be a cool, happening street with small funky shops. Now it’s mostly restaurants and shit-stores, with junkies sitting on the benches, and drug deals in the restrooms by the library. I witnessed all of the above in a little over an hour without looking for it, including the bathroom dope deal in a stall over, as well as some meth-head hitting me up for a cigarette, and some dude passed out on a bench with a bottle of Hennessy in his hand.

      I left that place shocked and saying, ‘Never again!’

      I thank the liberals for their welfare system that includes fully-work capable people for allowance of benefits, that has removed Darwin’s Law from the equation, allowing useless work-shy sub-trash that would have otherwise died in the woods to survive and procreate.

      • Every Real Man
        December 9, 2018 at 9:42 pm

        Come to Hyannis, take a duck boat and see the drunks and junkies lining our streets. Then share a bench with an odoriferous hobo next to the JFK museum. Bring the kids. Show them Hyannis is always there for them if they ever fly off the rails and develop an addiction/disease. And if you’re lucky, the kiddies can have their face painted next to someone overdosing on the green. Meanwhile, the town government is in one of the many huge buildings, working hard, banning plastic grocery bags, planning artist shanties, and unattended street festivals. Their always right on top of environmental issues and climate change… you know, to save the sea turtles…

  • Jack Straw from Wichita
    Jack Straw from Wichita
    December 9, 2018 at 10:11 am

    Why has the Cape become ratchet central? It wasn’t always this way.

  • Noway
    December 8, 2018 at 6:33 pm

    I do know her… honestly she does belong in jail. I do know her mother just died so I’m sure that is why she was released on bail.

    • Captain Trips
      Captain Trips
      December 9, 2018 at 6:03 pm

      Didn’t Mammoo of Sea World die a while back? Or was that recently?

    • Whale
      December 11, 2018 at 5:06 pm

      You what before you all judge me cuz yeah that is me in the picture.. actually judge me because you know what I’m going to judge all you f*** freaking men out there who think that I’ma I’ma I’ma she can’t figure it out will let me tell you I’m a lesbian always have been and I’m comfortable in that and let me tell you that you any woman on Cape Cod would prefer to be with me than any of you scumbag men on the cape cuz you’re all losers and I’LL STEAL ANY ONE OF YOUR WOMEN, THATS IF I WASN’T ENGAGED CUZ I DONT CHEAT LIKE “EVERY” ANS I MEAN ” EVERY” GUY

  • Doug Keans
    December 8, 2018 at 5:31 pm

    Wonder what my punishment as a straight white middle age male with no priors would be???? Gonna guess it wouldn’t have $40 and right out the door tho? Julio from the barrio with a mile long sheet…… prob out you go. What a friggin joke our justice system has become

  • Barry the interceptor
    December 8, 2018 at 12:34 pm

    If you’re buying coke from some fatass with a dirty apartment you better know it’s been stepped on. From the looks of her she hasn’t been doing a lot of marching. 

    • Whale(PROUD OF IT)
      December 11, 2018 at 8:18 pm

      I can almost guarantee anoit 9o.9% of you have had some legal shit in ypur life but since you’ll want to knock someone who can’t be knocked down anymore keep trying……You all wear “A MASK”!!
      Difference between me and all you judgemental pieces of **** is I’M ME. AND PPL EXCEPT ME FOR ME INSIDE AND MY FAT ASS OUTSIDE… so when you cheat on your wife or do your little dirty secrets remember whst it would feel like to be degraded…when NONE OF YOU KNOWME OR THE LIVE IVE BEEN THROUGH!!!!!

      • Barry the Interceptor
        December 11, 2018 at 9:34 pm

        So you’re saying the coke was decent? I’m sorry, I really shouldn’t have passed judgment in that case. But I am the clit commander! NOBODY rules a clit like me!

  • Fuckyouandfuckyoutoo
    December 8, 2018 at 11:40 am

    So thankful I moved off of the cape, out of Yarmouth especially. I remember seeing this thing around Yarmouth when I was growing up. Specifically in the “hood” of south Yarmouth, swan pond. Want some more good stories on the cape? Start right there.

  • Muffy D. Ivers
    December 8, 2018 at 9:58 am

    The main purpose of bail is to ensure the perp will appear in Court, so this woman was apparently not considered a flight risk (maybe because if she tried to run farther than 50 feet she’d fall over dead of a heart attack, or it’s hard to go on the lam when you look like Jabba the Hut’s sister)

    • Hugh-Bo Mont
      December 8, 2018 at 10:48 am

      In Mass it’s 40 strikes and you’re out. So, she decided to snitch and get low bail.

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Quint
    December 8, 2018 at 9:37 am

    ‘It’ has been banned from swimming in the ocean. Last time ‘it’ did several low lying coastal areas experienced flooding

  • Diane Woods emerson
    December 8, 2018 at 8:41 am

    Turtleboy and this thing are why I stay out of trouble.
    If that’s what’s in prison , I do NOt want to ever be in a tiny room with it.

  • John Wypyszinski
    Herr Doktor
    December 8, 2018 at 8:01 am

    Sweet Jeebus, somebody call Goodyear one of the blimps has gone rogue! If you tried to roll tons ‘o fun in flour to find the wet spots it would take a whole freaking freight car load… The judge probably let her out on the low bail because the tub ‘o shit hadn’t been fed and got worried it might eat the courtroom and everybody in it I mean look at it do you think bullets would actually cause real damage?

    • A trail of French fries to the hippo enclosure
      December 8, 2018 at 8:30 am

      If you did find the wet-spot you could never get your hips between the folds and cellulite. You would need a 24 inch penis to even get close to danger-zone.

      The wet spot would most likely be excessive sweating from folded skin on skin or a drooling mouth dreaming of a party size pizza topped with another pizza and Oreos.

  • I am jack’s complete lack of surprise
    December 8, 2018 at 6:43 am

    Wtf. Now I don’t know how many genders this football player is, but holy shit. 5 phones and a bunch of dope. Hrmmm. I’m guess it was an enforcer? Cuz it’s neck is wider than the average man’s torso.

    Imagine having that thing road rage at you in the parking lot of savers? Christ on crutches. And it’s Yarmouth of course they will let this drug dealing creature out. The judges don’t give a fuck about he fallen Officer Gannon.

    • I am jack’s raging bile duct
      December 8, 2018 at 6:48 am

      Remember at the end of caddy shack Rodney was like “moose rocko, help the judge find his check book.” This creature comes to mind.

      • Can't Flex Fat
        December 8, 2018 at 8:25 am

        Have no fear friends, 300 pounds of lard-ass, can’t fight or breathe after 8 seconds. By the time she walks across the parking lot she needs an oxygen mask, one punch and she’s jelly or have mercy and just walk away laughing.

    • Captain Trips
      Holy Hi Fat
      December 8, 2018 at 9:34 am

      I manage a sumo wrestling team and I’ve just found my latest prospect!

    • Judge Dread
      December 9, 2018 at 3:36 am

      why is it that the only people who seem to care about Officer Gannon and Officer/ SGT Chesna only seem to be like the family (obviously), the towns folk, WEEI, The Boston Herald, and last but certainly not least are the Turtle Riders? The Boston Globe could give zero fucks, along with all of the local media (Sinclair owned and they get their talking points from Sinclair). No one seems to give a fuck about these fallen heroes that literally died to keep us safe.

      I’m done talking nice, WTF is wrong with these judges doing the exact same fucking shit that led to recidivous thugs that became cop killers. And these judges see nothing wrong with their judgement?

      There was a saying back in the 60s or 70s was “if you are not outraged you are not paying attention”. Well douche canoe liberals and those judges who let these cop killers go free; these judges are so far detached from reality that yes WE ARE OUTRAGED and YOU JUDGES ARE THE PROBLEM.

      The judge orders these judges to be brought out into international waters for a supposed filming of “wicked tuna” only to have their achilles heel slashed with a razor and tossed overboard. This would only happened overseas in international water 45 miles off shore. Let mother nature have her with these vapid pieces of shark bait.

      god damn it. i’m 330AM and i was just about to go to bed, but i’m so pissed off i’m going to go to my cry closet and beat up some teddy bears and maybe take Mohammad’s name in vein.

      This is only the start, Rollins is getting ready to raw dog boston.

  • Lesbian Myth
    December 8, 2018 at 6:39 am

    Lesbians!!! Ginger lesbos getting it on… chic a chic a bow wow… sexy time.

    Not like in porn. Lesbian Myth busted once again.

  • Fred Knessl
    December 8, 2018 at 6:03 am

    It’s OK though, MassHealth will pay for this thing’s Blood Pressure, Cholesetrol, and Insulin Meds, so it’ll be around for a long time…

  • Wormtown Hoodrat
    December 8, 2018 at 5:28 am

    This is what Rachael Rollins’ Suffolk County is gonna look like. Same fucked up “plan”. The Cape long since ceased to exist except as a cesspool surrounded by water.

  • Spend It All
    December 8, 2018 at 1:34 am

    So that’s what happened to “Ham” from the Sandlot!

    Is it me, or does that ginger that she/he is trying to kiss in the first picture have a look of confusion/disgust on her face, like she just lost a round of spin the bottle?

  • SMH
    Jay, It's a fukkin whale!
    December 8, 2018 at 12:36 am

    When dealers are back out selling death after posting $40, it’s no wonder Mass has one of the highest drug overdose death counts in the USA.

  • Jock Cooztoe
    December 7, 2018 at 11:42 pm

    A new species classification, the Lookslikeamanatee, can be found on both coasts and tolerates a chemically contaminated environment surprisingly well.
    Somewhat rare, these creatures rarely spawn as they tend to form groups with same gendered beasts and can be fierce when their group is approached by anything considered heteronormative.

  • Euthanize this Sow
    December 7, 2018 at 11:16 pm

    This animal was a well known fixture outside the West Yarmouth 7-11 for years. It is most often confused for an obese male junkie. I’ve seen it from several feet away, and it is 375 pounds on it’s lightest day. It takes up almost both sides of the 7-11 double door! The Hyannis ghetto has spread deeply onto Yarmouth, and unfortunately slugs like this are becoming far more common in the area, though few are as large and repulsive as this one. It also sells crack in many Hyannis and Yarmouth bars.

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    December 7, 2018 at 10:52 pm

    She was tagged with a whale tracker and released back into the ocean.

  • murdochpatsymcreynolds
    Mike Barnicle
    December 7, 2018 at 10:04 pm


    • murdochpatsymcreynolds
      Kevin Cullen
      December 7, 2018 at 10:06 pm

      I would as well.

    • murdochpatsymcreynolds
      Ron Borges
      December 7, 2018 at 10:10 pm

      Yup, me too.

    • murdochpatsymcreynolds
      Doris Kearns Goodwin
      December 7, 2018 at 10:13 pm

      I’d hit it.

      • Frank Rizzo
        December 7, 2018 at 10:29 pm


    • Party Karen Weber
      December 8, 2018 at 10:53 am

      She’s mine!!

    • Bob Murchinson
      December 8, 2018 at 1:31 pm

      I would…… again!

  • Joel "the quintessential stud muffin" Gertner
    December 7, 2018 at 9:45 pm

    Calling this thing “its phat” is genius. Its a tribute to the old snl skit, its pat. Which today would be sooooo fucking offensive to trannies and the lgbtq & xyz community that nbc would have to go out of business due to the public assassination it would take and also the lawsuits. Are liberals proud that this deadbeat with 39 priors is free to go sell more drugs and endanger the community even more? What if “its phat” gets cocked tonight and decides to drive home after a 30 pack and kills someone? Phat obviously has no regard for itself or anyone else so this isn’t a stretch of the imagination that it could occur. Just food for thought.

    • Hugh-Bo Mont
      December 8, 2018 at 10:56 am

      30 pack of what? Ring Dings?

  • Turdchomper
    December 7, 2018 at 9:05 pm

    This beast is obviously not sampling the product.

  • 125
    December 7, 2018 at 9:01 pm

    Living on Cape I’m sad to say the #1problem is a judicial system as soft as church music. She/it was released on personal recognizance. The 40$ was a “processing fee”. Remember Sean Gannon?

  • Fupa fanny
    December 7, 2018 at 8:57 pm

    What a fat fucking hack. Seriously why do these judges even issue search warrants and put these officers lives at risk.

  • Sun Fun and Crack
    December 7, 2018 at 8:51 pm

    When did Cape Cod turn into Malden?

  • Roll out the barrels
    December 7, 2018 at 8:44 pm

    WTF??? Good God almighty! All ibcan picture is if I were a lesbian, she would change me to straight in a heartbeat! Gotta roll her in flour and look for the damp spot!

  • Chip Striker
    December 7, 2018 at 8:44 pm

    Probation? More like tag and release.

    Should be euthanized though.

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