WTF

Karma: Guy From Colrain Whose Family Beefed With Turtleboy Just Won $15 Million

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Long time turtle riders know all about our long and documented history with the town of Colrain. For those of you unfamiliar with this cesspool of debauchery, Colrain is a town of 1,700 people on the Vermont border that looks like this:

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Just an absolute shithole in every sense of the word. We legally own Colrain too.

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Well our feud started with them in early 2016 when we blogged about this typical Colrainian named Shawn Herzig who drove drunk on the rims of his car and was found passed out in his vehicle.

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It was a hilarious little story that was so Colrain it hurts. But it got everyone up there all butthurt about the turtle like we’ve never seen before:

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My personal favorite was Kye “Colrain 4 Life” Johnson, who accidentally messaged a gardening club that he thought was Turtleboy Sports:

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Colrain 4 Life!!

Anyway, I’m getting somewhere with this, I swear. One of the people Kye tagged was a relative of the Shawn Herzig, because you better bet your biscuits that everyone in Colrain is related:

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And Dan Herzig was basically born to be on Turtleboy Sports:

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This was one of the most legendary lines of all time:

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So Colrain it hurts.

Well guess what folks? Colrain got their ultimate Karma on Turtleboy today…..

WWLPA Colrain man is the second $15 million winner in the Massachusetts State Lottery’s 200X game. According to Massachusetts State Lottery spokesperson Christian Teja, Gary Herzig, of Colrain, claimed his prize on Monday. Herzig chose the cash option prize and will receive a one time payment of $9,750,000. Herzig said he will use the money to invest in his retirement. Teja said the winning ticket was purchased in Greenfield at F.L. Roberts on 63-69 Main Street. The store will receive $50,000 for having sold the winning ticket. 

Oh for fuck’s sake. Of course a Herzig won $15 million!! Colrain always gets the last laugh. First thing he’s gonna do? Get the fuck out of Colrain obviously. Because “Colrain 4 Life” really means, “Colrain if you’re out of options.” Maybe move somewhere with wifi…or a dentist.

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I have no idea if that’s him in the photo with Dan Herzig, since literally half the town of Colrain is a Herzig.

Dude was delivering Chinese food last week:

All I know is, they’ve earned it. If you live in Colrain 4 Life, you should win the lottery someday. If you don’t then there is no God.

37 Comment(s)
  • Fritz Weatherbee
    March 31, 2018 at 9:45 am

    Roll em up and lock the doors if your stopped at the 1 traffic light in Colrain. Might get hog tied to a tree and be forced to squeal like a pig.

  • Citypoint
    March 30, 2018 at 5:48 pm

    He could probably buy Colrain and still have money left over for his teeth.

  • Mom's Basement
    March 30, 2018 at 3:21 pm

    He must have scratched the ticket with his lucky tooth

  • IamRICH
    March 30, 2018 at 1:58 pm

    OMG. TB comments are soooooo funny.

  • Magules13
    March 30, 2018 at 1:26 pm

    He’s going to buy all of the meth

  • The ghost of Lord Colraine
    March 30, 2018 at 1:15 pm

    Herzig must purchase a bell for the meetinghouse in order to release the town and all of its inhabitants from the curse.

    • Mike Hunt
      March 30, 2018 at 4:49 pm

      Thanks for the laugh! That was fucking hilarious!

  • Remember When Barstool Was Funny?
    March 30, 2018 at 9:36 am

    I have never need HGTVs My Lottery Dream House to do an ep. on someone more than this. If this isn’t already in the works, someone at Discovery, Inc needs to be fired. You could get at least a half dozen reality shows out of the Herzigs, their friends and neighbors. This needs to happen and Turtle Boy needs to be names executive producer.

  • BostonGrl
    March 30, 2018 at 8:11 am

    I laughed out loud at least 5 times reading this hahahah all I wanna yell to these Colrain folk is “YOU LINT LICKER…” hahaha 

  • Brian Northboro
    March 29, 2018 at 11:33 pm

    You’re better off buying one $30 ticket than thirty $1 tickets. The probability of winning a large prize is nearly 100x greater for 10x the money. So instead of buy $1 ticket every day buy 1 $30 ticket once a month…better payoff. It’s the same as slot machines. The higher the $ value of the machine the better the probability of winning a better prize.

    • MathMadeEasy
      March 30, 2018 at 11:58 am

      Not true and a complete moronic statement. There are almost 4 million winning tickets that are for $30 dollars. That isnt a winner thats breaking even. Subtract the break even”winners” out and then compute your real odds of winning and its pathetic.

  • Captain Trips
    March 29, 2018 at 10:15 pm

    Colrain dudes and bitches give the best head of all.

    Give the dude 3 months before he is bankrupt.
    Then he will be giving ME the best head.

  • Worcester County, but not Worcester
    March 29, 2018 at 9:55 pm

    Congratulations, Gary!

  • The Vorlon
    March 29, 2018 at 9:33 pm

    What’s the over/under he is back on EBT/MassHealth by this time next year?

    NO WAY that money will last 3 years, let alone 5!

  • Sloppy
    March 29, 2018 at 9:20 pm

    That money will be gone in 5 years.
    Mark my words.

  • rte2tentresident
    March 29, 2018 at 9:18 pm

    Buying $30 scratch tickets is so Colrain that it hurts. I love these back-wards New Englanders who have no option but pretend they’re country boys from down south. “Teachers bin a sayin I’m slow all my life, turns out I’m just a good ole boy!”

    • Sloppy
      March 29, 2018 at 9:27 pm

      And they ALL wear those stupid Chippewa steel toe logging boots -even some of the girls- ALL the time, just to let everyone know they’re part of Team Redneck.
      Once when I lived downtown in Northampton, a crew of 3 those slobs, apparently coming into town looking for trouble, tried to fuck with me, called me a “faggot”, right down the block from the police station at like 5:00 in the afternoon. I fucking snapped, ready to take at least two of them to the hospital with me if it was going down that way. No punches were thrown, but I shoved them around and scared the fuck out them. They weren’t expecting that.
      Fucking shitkickers.

  • Turtleboy Challenge
    March 29, 2018 at 9:11 pm

    Ask the questions Turtleboy.

    If the State Police were asking these officers to work overtime what do they do NOW after firing 20?

    Do they ask the rest to work twice the overtime to make up for the loss of employees?

    Please send someone to the next press conference to ask….if you needed these Police to work more shifts and then fired them are there enough police to serve and protect the tax paying citizens?

    • rte2tentresident
      March 29, 2018 at 9:24 pm

      The point is that they WERE NOT working OT, just lying and saying that they were. So if they actually start working OT it can only be an improvement. Your challenge is pretty challenged.

    • Bret
      March 30, 2018 at 8:15 am

      How fuckin dumb are you?
      And you’re trying way to hard kid. You’re destined to be nothing, accept it and move on.

    • Hughbo Mont
      March 30, 2018 at 12:34 pm

      The MSM hubbub over the overtime issue is a smoke screen. Why no investigation into the MSP, DA, and judge corruption??? 4 retirements and no charges and no investigations. If the state is going to investigate overtime fraud, investigate ALL state workers, not just the MSP.

  • Give it a chance
    March 29, 2018 at 8:48 pm

    Welcome to Colrain where there are no niggers and spics or panhandlers.
    A town where you don’t have to look over your shoulder if you go to the ATM.
    A town where you can drive down the street without being cut off, flipped off and honked at by illegals all day.
    A town without a Tedeschis parking lot full of empty nip bottles, used heroin needles, and losing scratch tickets.

    Not from Colrain or Worcester but I lost all respect for Worcester when my wife and I went to the Bobs furniture store and then went to the 5 Guys for a burger and fries and I stepped on a diaper full of baby shit that was left outside the parking spot.

    Compared to Worcester that place is a real shithole!

  • JJJSmith from West Quincy
    March 29, 2018 at 8:36 pm

    I have to admit a dirty little secret, seeing Willow Rae Herzig’s FB profile, I could not control myself. I whipped little Mr. Happy out and gave him a good pounding. Not just a good pounding, I gave it a full fist punchin, with some serious edging, and punch, and edge. Fucking thing was pulsating purple and took so long, it was all black and blue when the protein chemical romance shot all over my hand and rug. It was too spontaneous, so next time I will indeed have made a new smiley face on one of my 3X Fruit of the Loom socks, who will be named Willow Rae. Does this mean I am going Country? Wait, is a long forgotten shit hole town like Colrain even Country? I mean, would Flatt & Scruggs play there? Would Garth mention them in a song? Anyway, maybe the question is “no,” but I have a current fav now for the Beast Meat Splatter game for the next few days. Oh Willow, yeah baby, there you go, yes yes yes yes, aaaahhhhhhhhhhhh Willow Rae, aaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! Damn girl, yoo my girlfriend. My chica from Colricca! Next serious question, when do I get to meet daddy? And should the Mad Dog 20×2 be in or out of the Brown paper bag? Thanks Hun, Luv Yah! John Jacob Smith, West Quincy

    • AgingCynic
      March 30, 2018 at 6:56 am

      Wow. She’s a winner. Who documents on the Interwebs that she can’t keep a job longer than a few weeks? Her choice in tuna torpedoes is a bit questionable too.

      • Your probably a 600lb skinner
        July 2, 2018 at 5:52 am

        She’s not even from colrain you sick fuck. Who documents them selves masturbating to women who would never even look at you?? Who ever you are, I’m sure you’ve raped at least one kid, not to mention PROBABLY every woman you tried to date.

    • Mom's Basement
      March 30, 2018 at 1:01 pm

      Go without the sock so that you can play Star Wars roulette on your sheets. Pisses mom off but it shortens the laundry cycle.

    • Fritz Weatherbee
      March 31, 2018 at 9:28 am

      I just pissed and shit myself I’m laughing so hard.

    • MR Greenjeans
      March 31, 2018 at 9:25 pm

      She is hot in a backwoods hill folk kind of way .

  • Jack Mehoff
    March 29, 2018 at 8:01 pm

    If him and his wife get divorced are they still brother and sister ??????

  • Turtleboy Challenge
    March 29, 2018 at 7:13 pm

    I couldn’t care less about this story and didn’t bother reading it.

    I have a challenge for Turtleboy.

    Please find out how the Mass State Police can afford to either suspend or retire 20 Officers in one day for working overtime?

    Obviously they were short staffed as it were if they needed people to work OT to begin with?

    Wouldn’t any Reporter or Lawyer worth his salt ask the same question?

    Any company that was so strapped that they were asking for people to work OT surely can’t afford losing 20 employees.

    • johnnyb
      March 29, 2018 at 10:29 pm

      They were not working …claiming to work OT only..

      • Fritz Weatherbee
        March 31, 2018 at 9:24 am

        Is this guyfucking serious?? God, I hope not. They’re a bunch of fucking crooks, stealing our hard earned money. WTF?!?!

  • Too Tall Tim
    March 29, 2018 at 6:30 pm

    Colrain doesn’t look too bad to me. Heck, it looks familiar, looks a lot like here where I live. Looks like home. (but then) I live in Appalachia. 😐

    GREETING’S FROM APPALACHIA!

  • Fringey
    March 29, 2018 at 6:07 pm

    With one Numbers Game ticket, a Holzig raised the local non-EBT GDP of Colrain by 90,000%.

  • Stunt Penis
    March 29, 2018 at 6:00 pm

    I predict he will be bankrupt, destitute, and on public assistance within 5 years.

    • Colrain’t
      March 29, 2018 at 7:07 pm

      You beat me to it. But I think 5 years is generous. I’d say 3 years. You know all those relatives are going to be asking for their cut.

    • Eljefe72
      March 29, 2018 at 7:57 pm

      And dead in six years (murder or suicide).

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