Bone Ride

Kelley Square Doesn’t Need To Be Fixed, We Just Need To Ban Mushheads Like This From Connecticut Who Don’t Know How To Drive Through Kelley Square

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Now that Worcester will be the home of the Red Sox Triple A affiliate team the powers that be have decided that Kelley Square needs to be fixed. Evidently it was all fucked up, which was OK with them, until the Red Sox wanted to come to town. Makes sense. Now here’s their plan:

What purpose does this serve? What problem is this solving? It’s the same thing as it was before except Millbury Street goes one way in the opposite direction, and they’ve added a huge peanut in the middle of it. Now if you wanna go from Madison Street to Green Street you evidently have to do the hokey-pokey all around that gigantic peanut instead of, ya know, turning left. Makes sense.

Kelley Square shouldn’t be fixed because it doesn’t need to be fixed. It’s perfectly fine the way it is. And if you haven’t figured out how to navigate it yet you should be banned from Worcester. To demonstrate how easy this is I decided to drive through it today, coming from Madison Street towards 290. Often when you do this there will be a long line in the right hand lane going back to the World Star Burger King because the idiot in the front of the line doesn’t know how to get through Kelley Square. Fear not, there is a solution to this. This is how it’s done people.

And yes, I know I need to clean my windshield, but my wipers suck. It’s on my list of things I need to do. But yea, that’s how you drive through Kelley Square. You don’t wait and ask permission to cut into a lane. You just go. That’s the only rule. If everyone just goes then it will be smooth and efficient. If people worry about the rules of the road then it fails. A gigantic peanut will solve none of this, because as usual the people who run the city of Worcester really like to spend money on stupid crap that some city developer sold them on. Keep Kelley Square great again.

30 Comment(s)
  • Noseface
    December 12, 2018 at 6:53 am

    Better question….aren’t you rich yet from all these stupid ads? How bout a new car for fucks sake? What is that? A 2003 Taurus??

  • Bait and Switch
    December 11, 2018 at 8:32 pm

    So where’s the canal going?

  • Dr. Creepy
    December 11, 2018 at 8:02 pm

    Thanks for investing tens of millions of dollars on my little baseball team. Without your help there is no way the Red Sox would have a AAA farm team. I really don’t have the cash at the moment and transferring it into my checking account would be so much of a bother
    Anyhoo I ‘ll have a helipad near by which hopefully I will never use to see some rinky dink minor league team that I will make millions off which you will never see.

  • deflateddoritodinks
    December 11, 2018 at 7:29 pm

    I guarantee you I will never ever ever ever drive through Kelly Square ever in my life, so I don’t give a fuck.

  • Trevor
    December 11, 2018 at 6:39 pm

    Mr. Turtleboy I respect your opinion and understand your stress. I wish to keep Kelley square and intricacies of Worcester as crazy as possible for the character of the city. However as a person with traffic engineering experience I must advise you on the following:
    1. In your video, you demonstrate an illegal way to bear right through Kelley Square towards 290. It is illegal on paper, however I would likely do the same thing. The schmucks at MassDOT are schmucks for a reason – They see that as absurdly illegal, thus they create a design that has two continuous lanes going from Madison street, and negating the option to turn immediately left to Green St.
    2. Since very few people turn left from Madison St to Green St. (I’m guessing less than 2%) If they want to go that way, they can take the earlier left onto Washington St. I’d say there’s a 50/50 chance of MassDOT placing a second traffic light at the Madison/Washington intersection.
    3. Kelley Square has the highest rate of crashes per ADT (average daily traffic) in the entire state… which says alot considering this is Mass. Rotaries/roundabouts (or peanuts) display a roughly 75% reduction in crashes … across the country
    4. While costs of rotaries often do not justify the alleviated headaches (see Route 12/Chocksett Road area in Sterling off of 190), Kelley Square is LONG overdue to have a neater design

    I will always be here for your traffic inquiries and if you wish for me to consult for turtleboy I would love the opportunity

  • JoMangWashhJooDoing
    December 11, 2018 at 5:39 pm

    Just rename it Martin Luther King Blvd and watch the traffic drop by 80%.

  • Travis Rearick
    December 11, 2018 at 5:22 pm

    I have no idea how to navigate through Kelly Square, so thank you for banning me. One more reason to look straight ahead and hope I don’t catch anything while I’m on 190 or 290.

    • Paved roadways
      December 11, 2018 at 7:37 pm

      Good riddance cow fucker

    • DOT
      December 11, 2018 at 8:40 pm

      Considering that there are more cars in Kelley Square at any given moment than there are in your entire state its probably best that you stick to open spaces without a lot of targets.

      • Cow Fucker
        December 12, 2018 at 7:15 pm

        Ok Masshole, what does a subaru or prius with a coexist sticker have in common with the big burly tough 4 wheel drive pick up truck with a union sticker in Massachusetts?
        Answer: Both the pick up driver and prius/subaru driver voted for Pocahontas, Deval Patrick, Maura Healy, and if they’re old enough Teddy Kennedy and Barney Frank. Case closed. Stay the fuck out of my state. I slash all mass hole tires. Enjoy!

        • Paved roadways
          December 13, 2018 at 11:53 am

          If I had to commute two hours into civilization everyday to make $18/hr I’d be bitter too. Don’t worry about me paying a visit, I can afford the sales tax here and would rather not run the risk of getting hit by an uninsured driver or get stranded somewhere that resembles the set of Deliverance. Piss off ya GG Allin wannabe.

  • juror seven esq.
    December 11, 2018 at 3:55 pm

    Help me out. All of this because the baseball team will play in the city for half of a 154 game schedule. I believe that is the length of the season, so 77 dates when there will be 10,000 people at a game. Overthinking this a little bit. The article stated that Millbury St. would be one way. Not coming into Kelley Sq. Problem will be that the only way to get to Water St. from Green Island will be to use Harding St. Same amount of traffic for Kelley Sq., just coming from a different roadway. Best solution, close the on and off ramps for 290 east and west on 290. Go back and add an on ramp for 290 west at Quinsigamond Ave like originally designed. Purpose would be to keep traffic away from Kelley Sq.

    • Worcester's Big Dig
      December 12, 2018 at 5:51 pm

      The stadium will be built for 10K but no way 1k ever fill it for a crappy PeanutSox game. However, there will be concert and other events there which could get 10K. Problem is any one driving will be stuck getting out for a month. Bunch of cucks trying to re-do that area. K-Square is fine the way it is.
      Another boondoggle.

  • Tow Truck Louie
    December 11, 2018 at 3:27 pm

    Kelley Square is probably the only thing that kept Green Street from turning into Worcester’s Chinatown a few years back. It was like a giant flytrap picking off Asians driving to and from 290. You mess with Kelley Square you mess with the ecosystem.

  • Clitty Litter
    December 11, 2018 at 2:34 pm

    Rule #1: Dont’t make eye contact
    Rule#2: Keep moving
    Rule#3: See Rule #1

    It’s fucking fine.

    • Clitty Litter
      December 11, 2018 at 2:36 pm

      Peanut=Safe Space

      Fuck You

  • Clive
    December 11, 2018 at 1:51 pm

    I don’t just like the peanut design, I DEMAND that it be adopted and that Kelley Square be renamed George Washington Carver Square and a monument erected within its boundaries in his honor.

  • z
    December 11, 2018 at 1:41 pm

    People have issues with circles. Peanuts are going to be fun.

    By the Scranton/Wilkes Barre PA airport they put in a rotary. Last time I was down that way, it was pathetic. No one going into the circle and everyone bitching in the newspaper and TV about how tough it is. Drive like you stole it and use another vehicle as a pick. Simple, “Hit me. I fucking dare you” and go.

    Your going to get some sap on the inside too tentative to get in the correct lane. Probably be stuck there for days.

    I await our driverless cars to give this design a shot. Notice how 99% of the tests are in the South West? Dry roads and no rain. The things have issues merging on and off of interstates even then. They are so tentative that many times they miss the exit or run out of merging road. Add crappy weather and the car doesn’t see much of anything.

  • The Dirty Woo
    December 11, 2018 at 1:36 pm

    Pork barrel spending plain and simple. Anyone at city hall heard of shared mobility or autonomous vehicles? Adoption of those things will move a lot faster than these projects that are intended to be milked from the start. 

  • mopey63
    rules of the road
    December 11, 2018 at 1:17 pm

    so uncle, not only did you video (use of cell phone while driving) you also blew past a stop sign. You’re too funny!! I always just stay to the right, as the person above said, it gets you past everyone. It isn’t hard, I wouldn’t change anything. It’s going to be a clusterfuck when they do, mark my words. It’s fine the way it is.

  • Don'rBeaLickspittle
    December 11, 2018 at 12:02 pm

    Why just fix Kelly Square when it’s the whole city that needs work? The PawSox would have been better off moving to Belchertown where there’s at least a built an excuse for wafting odors.

    • z
      December 11, 2018 at 1:25 pm

      They went ape-shit over a solar cell farm.

  • Kevins 9 Iron
    December 11, 2018 at 11:47 am

    That’s not how you drive Kelly Square. You can stay to the right of that stop sign and still pass that whole line. Also go around that fuckhead with the emissions problem. You are willing to violate every rule on the road except crossing the double line? Wat da faq?

  • Independent Thinker
    December 11, 2018 at 11:05 am

    Looks like they have the traffic going the wrong way on Millbury Street. Also, I hope they don’t take the property where Table Talk Pies are made. It’s nice to have a business in the area that is actually making a contribution to the city. It would be a shame if they are forced out.

    • Lloyd Braun
      December 11, 2018 at 1:17 pm

      Table Talk is moving to to where the old Sams club that closed over by the Greendale Mall is from what I’ve heard. 

      • juror seven esq.
        December 11, 2018 at 1:42 pm

        Isn’t the closed Sam’s Club over at Blackstone? Just saying.

        • lolwhut
          December 11, 2018 at 5:08 pm

          nope, there’s also one that’s been closed for ages- down the street from Higgins Armory.

          • Tortuganino
            December 11, 2018 at 6:36 pm

            I miss the armory 🙁

    • Bob
      December 11, 2018 at 6:19 pm

      Except that’s not legal. There is one lane that goes left and one lane that goes right. You trying to create a second lane that doesn’t exist is illegal, even though hundreds of cars do it daily. What the car did in this video is also illegal. As that is a left hand turn only, that he turned right on.

  • ace
    December 11, 2018 at 10:24 am

    Uncle TB, what are you stupid? That new plan is the best thing to happen to Kelly Sq. ever !
    Do it now !

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