All-Star Criminals

Legion of Morons Blame NBC For Reporting On Cheesehog Who Dumped Her Fanny Fudge In Middle Of Cul-De-Sac 3 Separate Times

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Here’s a shitty story for ya……

A Simsbury woman has been arrested after police found human feces in the middle of a cul de sac in East Granby in November. An affidavit says she apologized after doing it three times in a month and said she is lactose intolerant. The bizarre investigation started on Nov. 7 when the First Selectman in East Granby called the resident state trooper when a resident reached out about concerns about possible criminal activity on an undeveloped cul-de-sac on Kirkstone Drive after finding needles and feces, police said.

Police looked into it and determined that the feces was human. There was also toilet paper in the area, according to police. When more feces was found in the road on Nov. 16, a motion-activated camera was placed in the area to help identify a suspect. On Dec. 5, more feces was found on Kirkstone Drive and police identified 43-year-old Holly Malone, of Simsbury, as a suspect after downloading images from the camera and seeing a car.

Police said Malone, who lives around three-and-a-half miles from cul-de-sac, said she did it because she could not make it to her destination or a bathroom. Police said Malone apologized and said she would not do it again. She told police that she is lactose intolerant and is not supposed to eat or drink dairy products, but sometimes does, according to the affidavit.

What a crappy thing to do!!! Gotta love her excuse though – she’s lactose intolerant and randomly ended up on the exact same cul-de-sac three separate times and dropped trow in the middle of the street. Oh, and she left toilet paper there too, which means she came prepared. Sorry folks, this was no accident. This was a premeditated dumping. Just look at the street:

You don’t randomly end up there. This was a targeted delivery of keester cakes. Oh, and it’s in the middle of the woods. She could’ve easily dropped off the tushy tots in the woods, but instead she chose to leave her gorilla fingers right on the asphalt.

I figured everyone would have a good laugh about this one. After all, it’s hilarious. Pure comedy gold simply doesn’t fall in our laps like this every day.

Instead the response has been overwhelmingly pro-dumper. Let’s check it out….

“Destroy” someone? The only thing the serial dumper destroys are gas station bathrooms. At least she used to. Now she sticks to public roads in East Granby.

Publicly shamed? Did I miss the part where NBC didn’t took a shit in the middle of the street. This cheesehog did:

This guy was relentless:

Yea, no one cares what channel you’re watching. Literally no one. We get it – you’re trying to get this chick to take a dump on your chest. You’re just coming on way too strong. If you want a chick to take a dump on your chest feel free to message Desk Girl.

This woman specifically targeted a street not once, not twice, but three times. Each time she deposited her fanny fudge it was done with malice. But yea, NBC is the problem here. For sure.

Good point moron. It was a wooded spot. She easily could’ve gone in the woods but instead she chose to bless the neighborhood with her ass kabobs right on the cul-de-sac. When my dog takes a shit, I clean it up. But this grown woman should get a pass three separate times. Because…….muh feelz.

Hey Carol, a woman took a shit in the middle of the street three times. That in and of itself is pure comedy. But please, lecture us more on what you believe is in poor taste. Because where I’m from it’s generally considered “very poor taste” to leave your Chubacca chunks on someone else’s street.

Sweet Jesus. Can adults please go five minutes without whining about “bullying?” This isn’t bullying. Victims of bullying are innocent. This woman committed a crime three times. She’s not a victim. The victims of “bullying” were the ones who woke up every morning to find their neighborhood decorated with Mississippi mud waffles.

The only thing worse than whining about “bullying” is whining about about how a news article would force someone to commit suicide……

God I hate these people. They LIVE to make sure that no one is ever responsible for their own behavior. Newsflash – if she kills herself over this it will be a personal decision that she made. No one can force another human being to take their own life. Stop enabling people with your never ending list of excuses. Besides, Holly Malone has bigger fish to fry. Like airing her grievances about satirical Chevy commercials.

Political posts about hating politics

And whining about people who post too much stupid sit on Facebook.

Hey, here’s an idea – if you don’t wanna be publicly shamed, don’t shit in the middle of the street. It’s our official creed at Turtleboy Sports and coincidentally none of us have eded up publicly shamed on the news. Funny how when you behave responsibly you don’t encounter situations likes this.

34 Comment(s)
  • February 16, 2018 at 1:58 am

    There is nothing funnier than a drive by shitting story, I can almost hear the police radio calls now.. “Three shits fired, all officers respond!” lol!

  • Donald Trump
    February 15, 2018 at 10:16 am

    If she was Mexican, I could have used this. I said former president destroyed America. Ha! I am doing a better job. My supporters are uneducated drop.outs who believe everything. Next, I’ll say Hillary emails tonight and Obama presidency. Watch how fast my moronic followers believe me. God bless my stupid followers. They love me because I’m white

  • Heat Miser
    February 14, 2018 at 11:29 pm

    When you’re driving in the car and the bathroom’s way too far…diarrhea. Diarrhea!

    When you need to drop a stack, you better find a Cul de Sac, diarrhea. Diarrhea!

  • Death to the Left
    February 14, 2018 at 6:41 pm

    Typical democrat behavior

  • Harvey Wallbanger
    February 14, 2018 at 12:59 pm

    Lactose intolerance leads to explosive diarrhea. I call BS on her excuse.

  • Well, No Shit
    February 14, 2018 at 12:12 pm

    First, if this serial shitter is lactose intolerant, how about, I don’t know, STOP CONSUMING LACTOSE? “I’m lactose intolerant, but I sometimes still eat it.” So, because you’re an idiot and eat something that your body is rejecting, you make it a public heath issue? Nice. 

    Next, I bet that all of these tools who are rushing to her defense on social media would be singing a different tune if she was shitting on their street. The screams of “My kids could be exposed to that! Crucify her!” would echo throughout the land. Hypocrisy at its finest. 

    Finally, people who make conscious decisions to go outside the lines of acceptable societal behavior SHOULD be publicly ridiculed. If they don’t have enough class to keep them from dropping a deuce on a public way, they should be shamed into it. Making lame excuses for them (maybe she’s disturbed, or has a medical issue) isn’t helping curb the bad behavior. 

    • Hughbo Mont
      February 14, 2018 at 2:06 pm

      The tools defending her don’t give a rats ass about her. All they want are internet attaboys and to virtue signal.

  • What’s really going on
    February 14, 2018 at 11:06 am

    Okay just look at her picture. Now close your eyes and imagine her squatting with her pants around her ankles while steam starts rising up as she shits in the road. No class at all. That’s just nasty. When you actually think about this, nothing about it is funny. It’s nasty. You are fined for not picking up your dogs shit. And we all know she probably shits bigger than a Great Dane and she did it not once, but three times. What is the real reason? Does she have a toilet at home? Is this something she does often and in other places? Is she a serial shitter? Cause there are such people believe it or not. Makes you wonder if she is one of those hoarders you see on TV who’s house is so nasty they can’t use the toilet anymore. Idk. Because you gotta be nasty to be able to just shit in the road when you could go in the woods at least. You need a better answer for shitting in the road three times.

  • JoeMomma
    February 14, 2018 at 10:00 am

    She’s just dropping DiDi off at the pool…..

  • February 14, 2018 at 8:21 am

    What a gross Pig. Probably doesn’t like a developer building there. I hate her. She looks like a pile of shit. No excuses. Biological warfare.

  • Barack Obama
    February 14, 2018 at 7:57 am

    I took a dump on this country for 8 years and NBC and a lot of Americans actually praised me for it. This women should be commended

  • Master John Goodfellow
    I tell shitty jokes
    February 14, 2018 at 6:46 am

    Does a bear shit in the woods??  Pretty damn close

  • Ryan
    February 14, 2018 at 6:25 am

    Speaking of shitty… your app.

    • Kanacke Hasser
      February 14, 2018 at 7:46 am

      Fuck Ryan out loud.

  • The Poop Inspector
    February 13, 2018 at 11:18 pm

    This is a serious question….

    What exactly is she being charged with?

     I cannot think of a single crime that was actually committed here. 

    While bizarre behavior by this woman, who was the weirdo examining the dump?  I was picturing a neighborhood where people actually lived. Perhaps focus more on the needles than the shit. 

    And what kind of keystone cops actually wrote an affidavit regarding this big case??  I would be embarrassed if I were the cop. 

    Everyone involved in this sounds like a piece of shit. 

    PS. She definitely does anal!

    • Rex Grossman
      February 14, 2018 at 5:26 am

      Illegal dumping or littering, indecent exposure, leaving the scene of a crime, etc

      • Master John Goodfellow
        James McDonagh
        February 14, 2018 at 5:56 am

        You had me at ‘illegal dumping’

      • Poop man
        February 14, 2018 at 7:50 am

        Rex. again, I am not being a dick. I’m being serious here.

        “Illegal Dumping” does not apply to human waste (unless you empty an port-potty into a lake)

        “Littering” is not a criminal offense. Fine, yes. But not requiring an affidavit and criminal charge.

        “Indecent Exposure” would apply if someone was there to watch her drop her bloomers.

        “Leaving the scene of a crime” would possibly apply but we cannot have that charge until we figure out the actual crime committed!!

        This is the most thinking I have ever done when reading TB! I feel stimulated. I bet Kevin Lynch is stimulated seeing as though he shits on the floor in his mom’s basement.

        • Mom’s Basement
          February 14, 2018 at 10:25 am

          If there’s one thing I learned after 5 and a half years of college it’s the art of the stealth shit. I can be anywhere in central mass and never be more than 5 minutes from a safe drop zone. It’s part and parcel to surviving a category 5 Wednesday morning Rolling Rock hangover from what’s left of last weekend’s keg.

          If this woman had a true emergency she would have been coming out of the woods with one sock on.

        • Mayor Lynch
          February 14, 2018 at 11:39 am

          Let’s not forget sidewalks… I’ve also left packages on the sidewalks of Fitchburg several times.

          I’d also like to add that she was not in a legal crosswalk, so let’s add jaywalking to the charges.

          • Sookmai Prong, Esq.
            February 14, 2018 at 11:48 am

            Did you shovel said packages, or leave them for sanitation control, Your Honor? The law regarding human evacuation on the sidewalk is not clearly defined at this time.

          • Mayor Lynch
            February 14, 2018 at 12:54 pm

            I don’t shovel. period. end of story.

        • Linda
          February 14, 2018 at 5:50 pm

          If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, does it make a sound?

          If a serial dumper plops one out in a cul-de-sac is it not indecent exposure? Just because no one saw it doesn’t mean she wasn’t exposed. Obviously she exposed herself because her chocolate coated peanuts didn’t roll down her pants leg.

          Make her register as a sex offender.

    • Smitty
      February 14, 2018 at 8:04 am

      Well if getting caught peeing in public is considered a sex crime and you could have to register as a sex offender, I’m sure taking a poop in public would get the same charge.

      • Poop Man
        February 14, 2018 at 1:31 pm

        Except for you have to get caught with your pants down so to speak. 

        There has to be a human victim. 

        Again, I’m just perplexed by this. Maybe, maybe they charged her with Indecent Exposure due to the camera footage but that is not holding up in court. 
        A surveillance camera in a desolate area catching a woman’s (third) Code Brown isn’t going to hold up. 

        Someone please find out the charge!

        • Hahaha
          February 15, 2018 at 7:02 am

          She was caught on camera that is all it takes. Google it. She had her pants down, her ass and trout out. I highly doubt it was a accident. She will likely just be fined. I am curious to see what the charge will be but if peeing in public can get you on the registry then I’m guessing pooping in public could too. Either way it’s nasty

  • msheadkracker
    February 13, 2018 at 10:51 pm

    I’ll be the first to admit that after 7 kids(all of which I still have possession over mind you), I will take the occasional piss in a Walmart parking lot knowing they are watching, so what, the security gets a free show. When you gotta pee, you gotta pee, but I draw the line at this type of behavior. If you can’t make it home, or to a gas station or store, that’s you’re own fault for not listening to and knowing your body. Farts are your body’s warning sign that it’s gonna happen, I bet she lets em rip! This chick, shitting on the street is downright dirty, dogs don’t even shit on the concrete unless they have some sort of ass-plosion, she was doing this to send some kind of message to someone that lives near there or something. She’s a pig, pigs roll around in their own shit, and they shit wherever they stand. You watch, it’ll come out that someone lives near there that she’s fighting with, and she was marking her territory. 

    • The Poop Inspector
      February 13, 2018 at 11:19 pm


    • Mr poopie butthole
      February 14, 2018 at 6:32 am

      My thoughts exactly, if she had a problem with lactose like she said and this has happened before.. by accident of course lol, she would know better. Maybe she needs diapers. But I’m with you 1000% this was meant for someone. And I can’t wait to hear what comes next. It’s one thing to pee and get caught. But to be caught taking a shit. Lmao.. she should just move now.

    • Imrubberyoureglue
      February 14, 2018 at 7:27 am

      Why not just go inside you do know they have bathrooms right? Pig

  • me
    February 13, 2018 at 10:35 pm

    Am I the first post?

    Well my oh my.

    Shut TurtleboySports down sometime soon, please. Your reporting is adolescent and the “Discussion” is worse.

    • FFS
      February 14, 2018 at 7:45 am

      Thanks for the input. That was very insightful.

      Now go continue sucking horse dick with your sister.

    • Mom’s Basement
      February 14, 2018 at 10:14 am

      There’s a turd in the punch bowl!

  • Cartman
    February 13, 2018 at 10:33 pm

    What a shitty thing to do? That explanation is down right bullshit. She was really hoping one of those times Mr. Hanky would appear. I heard they also found random towels with joints next to them on the next street over.

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