All-Star Criminals

Leominster Moron Robs Banks, Forgets He Is Gigantic

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Although I am not an avid bank robber, I can assure you that the child man, Joseph Naylor, who was recently arrested for robbing a bank in Leominster is terrible at doing what he likely thinks he does best, robbing banks.

We need to have a chat, Joseph. Or as I like to call him, J-Nay. Have you had the opportunity to watch the news, read the newspaper, use the internet or talk to other human beings about current events? Apparently not.

How many people are there in the United States who have successfully robbed banks and are not arrested within, let’s say, a week or so? Give or take a few days. You rob a bank, your picture is everywhere! The news. Facebook. Twitter. Instagram.

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Just as an FYI, there are these magical things inside ALL banks called cameras. Newsflash bank robbers – those cameras are there for a reason- and no, you are not on a reality TV show nor is John Quiñones of “What Would You Do?” going to come out of the woodworks with a camera crew after putting you in an awkward ethical predicament with a stranger.

So, back to the idiot who thought he could successfully rob a bank in 2015. His first problem is he did not even attempt to hide his face. Not even a little bit. He walked right into the Leominster Credit Union as if it were just another normal day. He handed the teller a note, and an undisclosed amount of money was given to him. Seemed easy enough. No baseball hat. No sunglasses. No mask. Nothing. He didn’t try to hide his a blessed thing about him. This is the problem with today’s twenty-somethings, they just don’t even try to pretend they care anymore. Give us something – even a fake mustache would have at least shown some sense of trying.

Maybe the reason he did not try to hide his face or wear any sort of disguise is because J-Nay is enormous. There was no possible way for him to blend in with a crowd. Anywhere. He is just that big. According to the Leominster Police Department Facebook page, “Joseph Naylor is 6’7” and weighs 340 pounds.” I can’t think of any place in the world where you could find a group of people so gargantuan…(for those of you living in Fitchburg, that word means big) that one could simply just blend in.

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The Leominster Police Facebook page also asked that if you see him, you are urged to call police and to not approach him. Why in the hell would anyone approach him in the first place? He’s basically the Shrek of North Central Massachusetts. Enormously huge and takes life by the balls when times get tough. Not a guy I would want to approach on any occasion. You look at him, avoid eye contact and walk away as fast as you can.

I was shocked to learn that it took police eight days to find the ogre-esque J-Nay. Maybe that’s because he was hiding out in an unexpected place – his mother’s house in Lunenburg. He kindly gave police a call and said he was going to turn himself in. But, alas! The police waited for him and he never showed.

Bank robbing aside, we could have at least hoped J-Nay was a man of his word, but unfortunately, he is not. He was later arrested at his mother’s house in Lunenburg without incident by the state police Violent Fugitive Unit with assistance by Leominster Police. A peaceful ending to a bank robbery by an ogre who can’t keep his word. Who would have seen that coming? At least J-Nay has that going for him.

We can now only assume J-Nay will get to live the life every ogre dreams of, a life (well, a maximum of 20 years) in solitude.

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10 Comment(s)
  • Sla
    March 4, 2015 at 2:14 am

    Half of your facts are not correct actually. He is a lunenburg resident, who was not hiding at his mothers his whole time. And have you heard about something called people who.. Aren’t all there? This kid has a really bad drug problem and obviously thought this was his only way out and yeah when you’re using you don’t care and will do whatever it is possible to support your habit. He’s actually a very intelligent person. And he knew what was going to happen but being in jail is a whole hell of a lot easier and better than being on the streets..

    • Amy
      March 5, 2015 at 5:20 pm

      Sad to hear; but don’t do drugs. Now guy got himself free room and board for years. That’s ingenuity right there.

  • try hards...
    March 3, 2015 at 10:07 pm

    ..What size do you wear, turtlegirl?

  • Amy
    March 3, 2015 at 8:30 pm

    haha what an idiot! fun article. Yay for turtle girl! a female voice shakes up turtle boy a bit. it is about time the turtle trolls make their way up 190!

  • jj
    March 3, 2015 at 7:21 pm

    You’re making fun of fitchburg readers when you have grammatical errors all over your paper? And the guy you’re talking about is from leominster which is where you’re from, so I’m going to assume you’re as dumb as him.

  • jeff
    March 3, 2015 at 4:18 pm

    I hope this article was written by an 8th grader…….

  • Fitchburg resident
    March 3, 2015 at 8:02 am

    This idiot didn’t have to go and insult Fitchburg residents in her stupid article.

    Please, never write another stupid article again.

  • Denizen
    March 2, 2015 at 11:04 pm

    “Although I am not an avid bank robber, I can assure you that the child man, Joseph Naylor, who was recently arrested for robbing a bank in Leominster is terrible at doing what he likely thinks he does best, robbing banks.”

    Can we get another comma in there?

    “Leominster Turtlegirl for knows…”

    For knows what this means?

    “…when you are saying something in order to prevent something…”

    That’s really saying something.

    If you’re going to put people down, you could at least check your grammar.

  • JayC
    March 2, 2015 at 12:47 am

    “I can’t think of any place in the world where you could find a group of people so gargantuan…(for those of you living in Fitchburg, that word means big) that one could simply just blend in.”

    Very nice! Leominster Turtlegirl for knows the level of her readers in nearby Fitchburg and goes the extra mile to explain big words so they don’t get too confused. Probably helpful for some Webster and Southbridge folks too.

    • Wabbitt
      wabbitt
      March 2, 2015 at 5:59 am

      Lest we forget the fine folks of Oxford.

      By the way, denizens of Oxford (and Fitchburg, and Webster), lest means “for fear that” and is used when you are saying something in order to prevent something from happening. And a denizen is someone who lives in a certain area.

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