Smiles And Sunshine

Local Blasphemer Jesus Of Nazareth Rises From The Dead

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Juruselum: Local man Jesus of Nazareth allegedly rose from the dead yesterday. After the widely publicized crucifixion on Friday, the resurrection has been confirmed by local sinner (and rumored prostitute) Mary Magdalene.

Jesus has become somewhat of a celebrity in the Judea-Galilee region. Raised by a single mother, Jesus was nearly slaughtered during the infamous “Massacre of the Innocents.” Despite ordering the murder of thousands of children, King Herod’s approval ratings are at an all time high. Jesus’ profile was elevated when local celebrity John the Baptist heard a voice from heaven calling Jesus “Son.” Shortly after Jesus usurped his authority and stole several of his apostles, leading JTB to nickname him the “Lamb of God.”

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After the infamous baptism Jesus began a 40 day hunger strike, possibly to bring AWARENESS to cyber-bullying or Africa. During this time Jesus was reportedly tempted by the Devil several times, including asking him to turn stones into bread and jump off a cliff just to see what would happen. This account could not be confirmed by any witness, but several apostles we spoke with believe that he was just really messed up from not eating or drinking anything.

From that point on there was no stopping Jesus. The Twittersphere was  buzzing about all the miracles he was performing. Whether it was feeding 5,000 with a couple loaves of bread, walking on water for the hell of it, turning water into wine, raising Lazarus from the dead, exorcising possessed children, curing lepers or giving sight to the blind, Jesus was absolutely ON FIRE!! He was trending on Google, and all over twitter people were buzzing #sonofgod, #lambofgod, and #water2wine.

Young people everywhere were buzzing about him bringing “Hope”. However, he upset many of the more conservative elders and quickly became a threat to the state. Shit really hit the fan when he returned to Jeruselum for what he called “Passion Week.” He was greeted by crowds waiving what appeared to be palms, chanting “Hosanah.” Then he nearly lost his mind when he found a local gang of money changers in the Temple selling bootleg rolex watches and Oakley sunglasses. A couple of the local elders got all fired up and started questioning his authority:

“You in the wrong neighborhood boy. You know whose temple this be? Fall back young hopper.”

Jesus reportedly remarked:

“Nah chill B, you ain’t heard about me? Lamb of God son!!”


At this point Jesus was a marked man. High Priest Caiaphas subverted his inner circle by “flipping” noted apostle Judas Iscariot. On Thursday at what the press has termed “The Last Supper” Jesus  predicted that he would soon be arrested and denied by Peter the Fisherman. He then one-upped his water-to-wine trick by turning his blood into wine. Following dinner Jesus went to go pray alone while several of his apostles reportedly were taking post-dinner dumps. Since Jesus does not have a Facebook account or a criminal record, the only way he could be identified was with a kiss from Judas. Upon arrest Jesus told his supporters:

“It’s all good yo. Ain’t no thang, I’ll be out on bail in no time. You ain’t seen the last of me.”

Jesus was brought to the honorable Judge Pontius Pilate for what the elders assumed would be a Stalin-style show trial. Instead Pilate told the elders:

“Why y’all trifling over this young hopper?”

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The elders insisted that this “youngen'” was claiming to be King of the Jews. However, pleading the the 5th Amendment, Jesus said little and was found innocent. In a striking and unconstitutional turn of events though the crowd demanded that Jesus be given mob justice. Pilate replied:

“Of for fuck’s sake. This is an election year and I can’t afford this type of backlash. Just take him and leave me alone.”

Despite numerous appeals, Jesus did not get a 2nd trial. On Friday he was crucified and buried in a tomb. The story of Jesus appeared to be case closed; a true mistrial of justice. However, upon the testimony of Mary Magdalene we were able to confirm that Jesus is definitely risen from the dead. Luckily Matthew, Mark, this reporter, and John were able to catch up to Jesus at an impromptu press conference:

“Yo, where Judas at now? Where denyin’ Peter at? Where doubtin Thomas at? Y’all haters thought that I was ghost. What y’all know about the resurrection? You come at the King, you best not miss.”

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Asked about what his post-resurection plans were Jesus replied:

“Well, first I heard about some dude out there named “Saul”, who’s going around persecuting my peoples. I’m-a convert him real quick, you know, show him the light. Then I’m gonna take care of a few things, sign over some papers, maybe do a couple more miracles, then I’m out for real.”

When asked about how he would like people to celebrate this miraculous resurrection, Jesus said:

“I dunno, maybe have like a giant mutant bunny rabbit hide colored eggs all over your house and leave a bunch of chocolate in a basket? Oh yea, and wear lots of purple and turquoise. Those are my favorite colors. And I’m wicked hungry; haven’t eaten in 3 days, so no meat on Friday, or any Friday for that matter for like 40 days. Also, go to Mass but make sure it’s the longest Mass of the year. And make sure Lisa Dyer goes to confession, because she be sinning’ like a mofo. Now go write that gospel, ya heard? I’m out.”


And just like that Jesus was gone. Now go stuff your face with ham. Happy Easter to all.

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