All-Star Criminals

Manchester’s Finest Learned Toothless Scholars Incite Riot In Victory Park Which Ended In Crushing Defeat

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Hello there, Turtle Riders! I hope y’all are having a better start to your week than the city of Manchester. Don’t think I’ve forgotten you folks in The Brockton Hub, I’ll get to you in a bit! But first, let’s check out this here gem from the Union Leader:

Last night when Uncle Turtle had passed this on to me I was really, truly excited about another headline that had mentioned a riot in the Queen City. I fucking live for riots. Imagine my disappointment when further reading revealed that it was just a simple misunderstanding about some learned scholars who who were simply arguing over who would be checking out the last edition of Alexander Pushkin’s complete works.

Just kidding! This brawl at Victory Park on Sunday sent one guy to the hospital in defeat. Look at these mugshots!

Oh my word… The most shocking part of this is that the oldest person in this lineup is 41. That ,Mr. Jason Paradis, is a hard 41. I actually feel worse for the clown in the upper left hand corner, Ronald MacDonald…that’s his actual, factual name. To make matters worse, dude is 35 years old. This man not only has the most unfortunate name in the universe, but also appears to be my pappy. This guy is only 4 years older than me! I guess that happens when you don’t go about your entire life using your body as a walking garbage can. I mean, I don’t mean to stereotype and obviously I could be wrong, but stereotypes exist for a reason and I might not be far off here. He and the Mrs., Tabitha, are totes adorbs on Facebook:

If that ain’t the literal picture of hope, then I don’t know what is. If these two can find love then there’s hope for all you Lawrence 5’s out there. His profile reads “single” which means that didn’t last long or he doesn’t know how to list himself as “married”, perhaps their love is so pure that they don’t need to make it FB official. Perhaps, no one gives a shit.

Oh snap, Tabby Cat here is a fiah crackah!

All I hear is Madonna’s “Like A Prayer” in my head, girl is rockin’ the rode hard and put away wet look and rockin’ it like it’s 1982. And looking like a table at a Methuen McDonald’s with her shitty ink. IS that a tiny tittoo or a burn mark?

To all my dude bros, you’re in luck!  Her profile says divorced so there was trouble in paradise. I think that this was her “just got divorced, so I might as well just go crazy having a wild time” phase. I’m sure she could use some comforting as she’s been through a majorly traumatic event, or as she probably refers to it as Sunday. Just, Sunday.


Haven’t seen glamor shots like that since Backpage was taken down! Let’s move on to the baseball bat wielding instigator, Ryan Albright. He’s just your average Manchvegas style 23 year old who still posts “if you____ your crush will ____” memes and posts with no fucks given about dropping ‘N’ bombs, on the count of he’s so thug and all:

No buggin, straight thuggin’, finding old ladies to roll for Halloween candy in MAY. How’d this boy get so flyyyyyy? Also, why did you look so surprised in your mugshot? Oh, looks like you rock that “consistently surprised to be there” facial expression

I remember the first time I smoked, too…

He’s dark and mysterious, as well. If I was a younger turtle…I’d still get with  Mr. Manchester seeing as he’s never been charged with riot. And he’s never looked like this, ever, not even when he was 12:

He’s hard as shit in a sneaker. Movin’ on to mah gurl Danni. Let’s see how shit’s going for her on the book…

Well, that doesn’t seem good. Never a good thing to be in anything that’s considered a “complicated relationship”. In my experience, “it’s complicated” has never meant anything other than “I cheated and I’m still hoping to fix it” or “They cheated and I’m stupid and hoping to get them back”, I’ve never seen it mean anything else so please feel free to prove me wrong, Danni girl.

OH, thank you sweet baby Jesus…It’s an old pic! Phew! I’m not about to talk shit shit about how many tuna torpedo trophies a 23 year old has shot out of her tampon tunnel, or when she started having them, but it’s never a good look to have anyone comment on your belly pics with “You’re pregnant AGAIN?”. But I’m pretty gosh darned certain that we can all agree that partaking in this sort of behavior is a major no-no when you’re knocked up. I was pretty confused as to whether or not this was indeed Danni but, I think we can agree that it’s her. Look at the “My life’s over at 23” look in her eyes.

Yup, no mistaking her for any other Queen City fertility factory, that’s her alright. Her babies are super duper cute, how the fuck you can leave them home for a rowdy down in the place they call a park is beyond me, but here’s to hoping she actually left them home.

While I wasn’t able to locate Jason Paradis, I did come across Chris Fosher. This was the saddest Facebook profile I’d come across in this story, because he seems so damn normal and all American! This kid started college in 2016, so he’s obviously pretty bright. Although, Keene college students were the reason a riot broken out at the Keene Pumpkin Festival back in 2014 so who knows, really. He’s involved in athletics:

Takes your average teenage selfie (complete with cute Spider man phone case!):

He engages in normal almost-adult type shit, like summertime bridge jumping:

Which is so fucking cool, dangerous but cool. Like, I would be pissed if I saw my son doing that although I totally would. I just can’t understand how this kid ended up in this position…oh, right. Manchester. Never mind. That place will do this to you. One day you’re taking a fun lead off of a bridge for a wholesome, refreshing good time and the next you have riot charges filed against you. Here’s to hoping this kid wasn’t a huge fan of being arrested and gets his shit straightened out. Obviously, this is the stunned appearance of a kid who’s watching his future go straight down the tubes:

Poor widdle guy

Every single person in this blog has a shit ton of Google trophies, I’m sure. I don’t think it’s necessary to list them all here as we can pretty much imagine that they’re drug related, violent and/or painting a pretty miserable picture. Except Chris. He seems like a good kid who got caught up in some bullshit and still has a chance to turn his life around. Kid, if you’re reading this and I know you are, get the fuck out of Manchester as fast as you can. You might have a future if you do.

Anyway, I would like to see any video anyone might have of this so-called “riot”. Like, what differentiates this from a good old fashioned donnybrook in the park on the Lord’s day and a fucking riot? In my day you needed Axle Rose to get a bottle thrown at him and storm off stage to qualify as a riot. Or any sportsball team to win/lose to cause a riot. Until I see a video, as far as I’m concerned, this shit was a park brawl. Which happens a lot here as it did last month when police responded to “riot like conditions” when a bunch of teens ranging in age from 14-17 went straight up bananas by beating each other with sticks. Just another summer in good old Manchestah, see you at the next riot! I’ll bring the ice.


If you have a video, hit me up at or on the book as Esther Manch.



10 Comment(s)
  • X
    July 5, 2018 at 6:10 pm

    If aliens ever visit 3,000 years from now and fly over Manchester they’ll still still a burnt out mill city filled with humanoids. Only a nuclear war will improve it.

  • hi bye
    July 5, 2018 at 8:51 am

    danni doesnt have any of her children they all get taken away as soon as they arrive in the world. they are well taken care of where they are at now ! i think she needs to be fixed asap

  • A Justice
    July 4, 2018 at 7:42 pm

    No, Benny. A Justice of the Peace does no START a riot, a JP can QUELL a riot and arrest the rioters.

  • Benjamin Wallens
    Benny Wall
    July 4, 2018 at 12:43 pm

    What makes a riot a riot? I wouldn’t think this qualifies but I’m no expert.
    One little piece of trivia I’ve picked up from old timers, a Justice of the Peace can legally declare a riot. At least in Massachusetts.

  • Booty daddy
    July 4, 2018 at 9:19 am

    Tabby cat has a nice plump shitter on her.

  • The Professor
    The Professor
    July 4, 2018 at 5:04 am

    Be fair. This dispute was between members of a book club meeting at the library. Pushkin can cause heated arguments among Mensa members. Happens all the time.

  • Kissing cousins
    July 3, 2018 at 9:18 pm

    Sure got a pretty mouth

  • whatevuh
    July 3, 2018 at 8:22 pm

    If it didn’t say, I would have guessed Webster for sure . . . top middle is my favorite

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    July 3, 2018 at 5:38 pm

    I’d punch that Ryan dude so hard he’d die right there. One punch. Dead.

    Hit me up Ryan. I wanna take a good straight left into that fag-boy face of yours.

    I’ll pay for the funeral if you agree!

  • boom boom enjoy the fireworks fuckers
    July 3, 2018 at 4:21 pm

    Red Leader we have fast movers inbound where do you want the cluster bomb units…

    “Put it right on Victory Park then proceed Lawrence”

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