Hoodrat Heroes

Meet Alexis Aslanian: The Webster Chick From The Water Street Fight Video Who Was Celebrating Her 19th Birthday Getting Served Underage And Wants Us To Take The Blog Down

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Earlier today we published this story about two cheesehogs throwing fisticuffs on Water Street.

Two Worcester Cheeshogs Engage In Cat Fight To Decide Who Is The Ratchet Queen Of Water Street

It starts off with the blonde chick is arguing with the father of the brunette chick. The brunette chick gets the party started by punching her in the face. Then the blonde chick pulls the ultimate cheap, white trash move by grabbing the other chick’s hair, dragging her down, and punching her once she’s on the ground.  Plus, the blonde chick’s friend is holding the other girl in place while her hair is being grabbed, so she has no opportunity to fight back. This isn’t a fight. The brunette chick got jumped by some floozy who thinks she’s a hardo, but she’s really just a couple years away from working the dayshift at Sweaty Betty’s.


Then at the end she gave an extra touch of class by saying in the post fight interview, “I rocked your daughter’s shit – gang shit my n word.”

Classy broad right there. Just think, some lucky guy is gonna be paying her child support in a couple years if Planned Parenthood gets defunded.

We had no idea who this lovely woman was until she voluntarily decided to message us this afternoon:

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You have your family and nieces and nephews on Facebook, and you don’t want them to see it? Good thing you made a public spectacle and then voluntarily gave a post fight interview to a guy with a camera in front of your face. Who would ever think that Turtleboy would eventually see it?

Newsflash – if your life is ruined because of this then you deserve it. Stop blaming us for a problem you created. Because you’re not an adult, and you’ve decided to live your life as a gutter slug. Also, you’re killing my property value. When people see stuff like this it makes them not want to look for homes in Worcester. This lowers the resale value of my house. It’s videos like this that make people not want to come to Worcester to engage in commerce too. Businesses lose business because of this.

But wait, she wasn’t done making TONS of sense:

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Good. You should lose your job because of this. Normal people don’t get into hair-pulling fights on Water Street. This isn’t normal behavior. It’s ratchet ho-bag behavior. There’s no other way to put it. You obviously need to hit rock bottom so you can know what this feels like and maybe, just maybe, you’ll stop acting like dumpster cheddar.

And how bout her reasoning? Delete it from Facebook, but not Twitter. Because no one goes on Twitter. Your family lacks the ability of typing “Twitter.com” into their computer machines. Wicked smart. Keep in mind, this is a chick who’s been doing some humble bragging all over Twitter about what a badass she is today. She’s been been retweeting stuff about her new found Turtleboy fame:

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Because that’s a good thing apparently.

But wait – it gets better. Today is her birthday!!!

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Normally when you get put on blast on Turtleboy, it’s a pretty shitty birthday.

Not Alexis though. She’s been retweeting people calling her Floyd Mayweather:

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Which I guess makes sense, because Mayweather spent his entire career ducking real fighters, running and hiding from opponents in the ring, and getting in cheap shots whenever he could get away with it.

But just remember, she’s very concerned about her nieces finding out she’s been in a fight. Luckily none of them has ever heard of Twitter.

Oh, and guess what town she’s from.





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Where else but Webster? Because, it’s ALWAYS Webster!!!

And you’ll notice that she is a Holy Name graduate. Just so everyone is clear, there is no bigger joke of a school in Massachusetts than Holy Shame. It’s not a real high school. Sorry if you went there, and this upsets you, but it’s the truth and you need to hear it. It’s a money pit that masquerades as a catholic school, pretends to care about academics, recruits athletes, gives scholarships to anyone who can jump, and lets the kids walk all over the teachers there because if they discipline the kids then Mommy and Daddy will send their snowflakes to public school and take their money with them. Ask anyone who’s ever taught there. It’s out of control.

The only thing easier than the standards for admission at Holy Name, are the girls they produce. Anyone who grew up in Worcester knew EXACTLY where to go for chicks with loose morals. Chicks like this:

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People always say, “I could never send my kids to South or North or a Worcester Public School.” Why? Because there might be kids there who will look different than Turtleboy Jr? Because they might interact with kids who live in Main South? God forbid. Wouldn’t want TBJ to turn into a self-absorbed narcissistic hoodrat who takes non-stop selfies using the dog filter.

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What you should be saying is, “I could never send my kid to Holy Name.” Because let’s call it what it is – it’s a place where Worcester families can pay to keep their kids away from black and brown kids and not be called racist for doing so. You know it. Turtleboy knows it. Everyone knows it.

I hate having to give this disclaimer because it should be understood by anyone who’s not a fucking moron, but obviously this doesn’t mean EVERY chick who went to Holy Name is like this. But everyone who went there in the last 25 years knows there’s a large, undeniable element of truth to what we just wrote. Don’t take my word for it. Listen to Alexis herself:

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Speaking of Holy Name, guess when this barhopper graduated from there…..

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Yup. Class of 2016. Last night she was out celebrating her 19th birthday:

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But no worries. When you’re a good looking blonde chick who’s willing to give up your decency and self-respect, you can pretty much drink wherever you want.

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Just don’t get busted with your fake ID.

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And apparently going out and acting like a trashbag Websterite is her M.O. and something Alexis is quite proud of:

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And I guess I understand why she’s concerned about losing about losing her job. After all, she’s burned a lot of bridges already. It’s hard to keep a job at Hooter’s for more than a week.

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I mean, why give the people you’re serving customer service? They should tip you 40% because you have succulent jugs.

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Just don’t tell the fam. It’s a secret.

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Alexis currently is enrolled at Worcester State.

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But she should probably concentrate less on being the Canal District Ratchet Trap Queen of the Week, and more time staying awake in class so she can do better on her paper about the “condom critique”:

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Speaking of fake schools. Worcester State is well on the way too. Sorry if you went there, but the fact that chicks like this go there, and they employ convicted criminals like Professor Sonya Conner, is driving down the property value of your degree.

Here’s my question – why are bars in Worcester letting this chick drink there when she’s not even remotely close to being 21? See, this shit pisses me off. This chick is obviously a junior smokeshow extraordinaire. No one can deny that. But chicks like her think they can get away with pretty much anything because of that. And why wouldn’t they? She knows she can get into any bar in Worcester and she doesn’t even try to hide it. Just today she retweeted this video of herself behind the bar, double fisting Coronas:




Just in case her friend sees this and deletes it we’ve also uploaded it to Youtube:

Anyone know what bar that is? Because they should immediately lose their liquor license. They know damn well this chick is not 21. They let her in because they know that the more hot chicks in the bar, the more horny dudes are gonna come, and the more money they’re gonna make. That’s why they not only let her in, they let her dance behind the bar.

Side note – when we told people we had this video someone said, “you should contact the bar and tell them you’ll keep it down if they advertise with you.” LOL. Sorry bro, not the way we do business. First of all, we don’t do blackmail. We do hot takes. Secondly, I hope it’s some bar that wastes their money advertising in convicted criminal Paul Giorgio’s Pulse Magazine, which no one reads. The fact that anyone would attach their brand to that pervert, knowing full well that he’s been accused of statutory rape on a 16 year old boy, is sad and pathetic. Because Turtleboy is the controversial place to advertise, but you can sign on with a pervert who’s been convicted of voter fraud and it’s all good. Makes sense.

Funny seeing her on Water Street though. After all, this is where Mambo Drink is located. And their bar manager Jonathan Pena just turned 21 this week, but it hasn’t stopped him from flaunting himself getting mad crunk there for last few years:

Facebook Pictures Show 20 Year Old Mambo Drinks Promoter Getting Wasted In The Club

And guess who Jonathan Pena just so happens to be good friends with:

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Of course.

Then there’s this video which one of her friends posted on her Twitter today.


Which shows her tossing back some suds at whatever bar this is:

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And doing some kind of extra curricular activities in the bathroom on formal night:

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Good thing these geniuses document their entire lives on the Internet. Because breaking the rules makes you soooo fucking cool. You just have to show the world to let them know what a rebel you are. How original.

Anyway, this is what we like to call the Kardashian factor. The Kardashians have made it cool for American girls to wanna grow up to be a hot pass-around gutterslug. Kim Kardashian has more Twitter followers than Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton COMBINED!! That’s how much influence she has solely for being a sausage jocky that takes pictures of herself doing the duckface. It’s sad and pathetic, and represents everything that is wrong with American society.

The bottom line for chicks like Alexis is, you can be hot and still have self-respect. Lots of women do this. They go on, marry normal guys, have normal kids, and live respectable lives. You don’t have to try to impress everyone by getting in fights, getting blackout drunk, and making out with other chicks. Don’t get me wrong, as guys, we like to see that. But none of us has any respect for you, and we certainly wouldn’t even consider bringing you home to Mom.


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68 Comment(s)
  • Gutterslug
    February 16, 2017 at 2:24 am

    TB, head to fat Tony’s any day of the week to catch this chick out drinking illegally AGAIN. That’s her new spot since she got busted at rockys.

  • Ant
    January 25, 2017 at 11:54 pm

    The part about Holy Name is completely true, the school cheats their students through high school so by the time they’re in college their readiness and education isnt up to level with everyone elses. If you are reading this, advise everyone you know and do not send your child there you will regret it, try Norte Dame or St. Johns for they are the best catholic schools in Worcester

  • Tdub
    January 17, 2017 at 5:17 pm

    Yea she was hot in her pics apparently back in the day cuz in the vid she’s kind of an out of shape mess.

  • Dr. Gonzo
    January 17, 2017 at 2:17 pm

    Where did the birthday video go? These are all the screenshots from it…please repost.

  • LLC
    January 17, 2017 at 10:49 am

    How the fuck do you get fired from Hooters?

  • Nope
    January 16, 2017 at 7:10 pm

    That last bar she’s in is smokey joes on park ave…

  • AgrippaDaRippa
    January 16, 2017 at 6:28 pm

    This is straight savage, but fuck you man i had a good time at that school xD even though your %100 right about it

  • Shana
    January 16, 2017 at 1:44 pm

    I love the public shaming of the girl, but a graduate from Doherty really has nothing to say about Holy Name, or any school. be Perhaps he couldn’t pass the entrance exam. I can’t wait to see his kid grow up to be a deplorable like one of the slugs he is always blogging about!!!!

  • Dirk
    January 16, 2017 at 1:29 pm

    I used to be a big Turtleboy fan. Is it just me or do other people not give a shit about this? stick to the news. Dragging teenagers through the mud….boring in my opinion. just my 2 cents

  • Brad Ross
    January 16, 2017 at 1:28 pm

    The picture you posted of her at prom was at Doherty prom 3/4 kids in that picture went to Doherty, you went to Doherty, and her date was a Spanish kid so before you jump to conclusions get your facts straight. Turtle bitch.

    • True Reality Speaks
      Mirror Mirror
      January 17, 2017 at 8:26 pm

      Brad’s sad that he’s the only one that didn’t get a piece of that at the prom.

  • Wasted youth
    January 16, 2017 at 1:18 pm

    She’s a teen and pretty hot. But needs to get her act together. The thing is, she’s violent, that’s the serious issue. She needs to get help pronto, before she kills someone.

  • Not a Webster
    January 16, 2017 at 12:33 pm

    Great job Turtle Boy! She deserves to be shitting in her pants now.

  • Lola B
    January 16, 2017 at 11:28 am

    Don’t automatically condemn the bar! she probably has a fake ID. 1 of her tweets said the guy at the Packy questioned it. It’s much darker at bars, easier to miss.

    And wtf is with the “people send their kids to the Catholic school to get away from brown kids”? I’m sure there are some assholes but thats a bold assumption that it’s the main reason for most. I’m pretty sure the majority want their kids to be Catholic like they are. It’s the lazy rich Catholic way to get your kids confirmed. They give all the classes and even masses so the parents aren’t bothered with it during weeknight and weekends.
    She is a dirty fighter, but I don’t get how the conclusion was drawn that she “has loose morals” other than swearing drinking (and dirty fighting haha!)
    She is a babe and it seems like you’re kinda using that against her honestly. She wrote proper English too, that’s a special treat in here so how bad is her education?
    Oh and before some idiot says it I’m not her, I don’t know her or anyone that knows her.

  • History with Paul
    January 16, 2017 at 11:18 am

  • Dave P
    January 16, 2017 at 11:13 am

    So Holy Name is expensive and inferior to WPS, but people still go there to avoid being around too many minorities… Hey, that’s the exact same reason why people go to Shaws or Stop and Shop instead of Market Basket.

    • Reddog
      January 16, 2017 at 6:52 pm

      thats only in the Goya section

  • Dick Dover
    January 16, 2017 at 11:00 am

    Clearly the turtle who wrote this is butthurt that the bars in the area are affecting its brunch-ability.

  • a friend
    January 16, 2017 at 10:59 am

    “Normally when you get put on blast on Turtleboy, it’s a pretty shitty birthday. Not Alexis though.” Here you clearly demonstrate your god complex, upset that the girl isnt wallowing over your silly blog on her birthday. You’re a loser and the fact that you think you’re of significance is laughable, at this point you’re a mascot for priveleged toilet bowls and regurgitate whatever narrow minded nonsense you think they’ll enjoy. My point is if someone else ran your blog, nothing at all would change, so do yourself a service and do some soul searching cause you exhibit an exaggerated sense of importance. You think her child’s father is gunna be lucky, but whoever marries you hit the fucking jackpot with such a narcissistic, miserable, self righteous, sleazeball. PS good luck once your anonymity expires, everything comes to light.

    • Keir Darcey
      January 16, 2017 at 11:04 am

      Laughable? I agree. All the other Turtle riders are here for a chuckle, too.

  • Steven Stover
    January 16, 2017 at 10:37 am

    I bet she fucked and sucked the entire Holy Name football team a few times.

  • Mr Butthurt
    January 16, 2017 at 10:36 am

    Mr Butthurt retracts his statement from last blog about her and WOULD hit that one night.

    • Sasha The Fire Gypsy
      January 16, 2017 at 11:00 am

      Am I going to have to chain you to the bed so you stop gawking at all these other women on the internet? Don’t make me cut your dick off, because I will.

      • Mr Butthurt
        January 16, 2017 at 12:54 pm

        Did you see those tits though geez.

  • Frankie
    January 16, 2017 at 10:20 am

    That’s Rocky’s bar. They let ANYONE drink there. Pretty sure the owner is running for city council? Let’s his daughters bartend and serve all of their underage friends.

  • Frankie
    January 16, 2017 at 10:19 am

    That’s Rocky’s bar. They let ANYONE drink there. Pretty sure the owner is running for city council? Let’s his daughters bartend and serve all of their underage friends.

  • Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
    January 16, 2017 at 10:03 am

    Yup that’s Justin’s daughter! Following in her mommy’s path, she’s a used up barfly hoe too. This chick never stood a chance!

    • Keir Darcey
      January 16, 2017 at 10:30 am

      Hmmm… [Googles Justin Aslanian]

      Result: two courthouse entries from turtlegram.com

      [Googles Justin Aslanian site:turtlegram.com

      Result: Oh! This guy is a dumpster fire, too!

  • Lola
    January 16, 2017 at 9:46 am

    Roast!!! Way to make ya family proud! If you don’t want this stuff on FB, then you shouldn’t be doing it, in public, under age. That’s what happens with social media…duh. Do stupid shit, expect said stupid shit to get exposed.

    I will say that her grammar is better than most TB subjects. I did not get a migraine trying to read her tweets or messages

  • Staright up
    January 16, 2017 at 9:23 am

    Anyone who says they wouldn’t like to tap that is a fucking homo.

  • Joe Shmidlap
    January 16, 2017 at 8:54 am

    After dating two Holy Name floozies and also attending Worcester State College – not “university” I feel as though I am an expert in this situation. Both ex girlfriends from Holy Name were absolute slam pigs and therefor each broad from Holy Shame has to be a slam pig. Worcester State was a country club there and I can’t imagine that it has changed very much. Little Shmidlap will not be attending WSC. ( I refuse to call it a university). You know what they say…. as long as there is a little heat up there…

  • Just nick
    January 16, 2017 at 8:52 am

    Haha! Slow day eh? I’d bet she could kick your ass tboy hahaha when shes been drinking. We call them wench fights. You could wear high heels and a tutu. You may need to visit the gym first as i don’t think you have ever been in a sreet fight. Haha, you’re pulling my hair

  • Turd Burglestein
    January 16, 2017 at 8:41 am

    Fun fact – you can’t spell her last name without ANAL.

  • Turd Burglestein
    January 16, 2017 at 8:27 am

    Anybody who would not burgle that is a fag. But best get it now, because by the time 2018 rolls around you’ll be the only one who hasn’t.

  • Sweeney
    January 16, 2017 at 8:26 am

    “If your life is ruined because of this then you deserve it”. Perhaps this is foreshadowing on what’s to come for the turtles

  • Eaton Beaver
    January 16, 2017 at 8:24 am

    She’s 10 years away from being that blonde trophy wife with the puckered asshole who walks around target on a Monday morning like her shit don’t stink, just waiting to pick up the kids after school so she can go home and suck wine out of a glass the size of a lemonade jug. The only things that gets her through the day is the wink from the cashier who was the cool guy in high school but too stupid to go to college, that makes she think shes

  • Partyboy
    January 16, 2017 at 7:25 am

    Little trashy whore! I want to stick my cock in her! She has a nice rack too!

    • Dreck
      January 16, 2017 at 8:26 am

      Lmao yes bro I was thinking the same thing

  • MrSmiley
    January 16, 2017 at 7:07 am

    You might have an issue or two if your friends call you “psychopath” for a nickname…

  • Buck Melanoma
    January 16, 2017 at 6:34 am

    Last name says it all.. Wonder if biological dad is Justin. He’s a winner..

  • Lauren
    January 16, 2017 at 4:51 am

    This is great! I totally agree, Girls like her are Making Worcester more undesirable.. every word was perfect. I mean she’s a pretty girl but she legit has no curves..

    • FiestyLawyerLady
      January 16, 2017 at 7:55 am

      Sweet Jesus I thought I was the only fucking person who noticed.

      Her face is beautiful but please scroll down to the picture of her wearing a black tube top and black pants…… her body is built like a man! All of the other pictures she’s either wearing a really good push up bra for her A cups and or a sweater to cover her lack of hips. If you put your finger over her face in that photo, it’s like looking at a man dressing as a woman.

      • FiestyLawyerLady
        January 16, 2017 at 7:57 am

        Seems more like small B cups with an amazing push up bra. That tube top shows the true small size of her chest.

        Ahhhh… Men have no idea lol.

        • Turd Burglestein
          January 16, 2017 at 8:29 am

          Don’t lie…you know you want to see those tits just like the rest of us.

          • FiestyLawyerLady
            January 16, 2017 at 10:13 am

            Out of curiosity sure, why not? Still wouldn’t though… she’s built like a man!

          • Sasha The Fire Gypsy
            January 16, 2017 at 11:03 am

            Whatever happened to wanting to see my tits?

        • Reddog
          January 16, 2017 at 6:44 pm

          I’m not a gynecologist,but I’ll take a look.

        • Wabbitt
          January 17, 2017 at 2:36 pm

          As a proud patron of the Itty bitty titties committee, I’d smash.

          I’d never call her again, but I’d definitely smash.

        • True Reality Speaks
          Mirror Mirror
          January 17, 2017 at 8:35 pm

          No way she’s less than a large C or D cup – I sense some jealousy. Agree about the no hips and probably has a flat ass, but the face and boobs make up for that. Now if she sucks in bed, then she’s a one time thing. If she’s good, she gets put on the regular schedule. Ultimately she is strictly a booty call type of chick – I’d be too ashamed to bring her back to the house.

          Most girls and all guys know these things.

    • kevin jones
      January 16, 2017 at 10:51 am

      go suck some more penis lauren

  • Sterling Turtle Rider
    January 16, 2017 at 4:05 am

    It’s easy to pass as older when you use a masonry trowel to apply your makeup.

    Also, if she ever needs a job, she could call up our favorite gal with loose morals down at the probation office… this lovely lady sounds like her kindred spirit alright!

    • True Reality Speaks
      Ashley's Beach Body Fail
      January 17, 2017 at 8:16 pm

      I resemble that comment!

  • whatevuh
    January 16, 2017 at 3:14 am

    I’ll take brains and class over nice tits any day . . . . this chick is a waste of oxygen, Looks can only take you so far, like water street, that’s about it

    • Talisman
      January 16, 2017 at 9:44 am

      Agreed, not to mention having to translate the ebonicese when she attempts to speak. Why do these people want so badly to be black?

  • Andrew Petit
    January 16, 2017 at 1:25 am

    Good thing I know a professional that’s available on the weekends… Who’s ABC certified and has been working security the last 14 years… These bars and clubs might want to get a little Roadhouse on these Sumbitches…

  • Todd Boynton
    January 16, 2017 at 1:19 am

    Favorite phrases?

    ‘Gutter slug’ and ‘ratchet ho bag’. I wish I could pull these up on command. Love Turtle’s repertoire of colorful slams.

    With that said?

    Girl IS a smokeshow. I vote for a pass.

  • Fggggf
    January 16, 2017 at 12:56 am

    At first I was like “man TB why you gotta ruin this girl’s life over some dumb teenage junk she did”

    And then I hated this person more and more as I scrolled down. How do people end up like this? Useless, vapid and permanently trashed bar hoppers with no future? She’s going to look like a handbag by 25. Her gambit is probably to fuck as many dudes as she can and then when her looks start to go down the tube, marry off to some engineer who wont expect her to work.

    This person is gross.

    • Turd Burglestein
      January 16, 2017 at 8:34 am

      Yep…and there’s millions of beta boys out there that would marry that and spend the rest of their lives getting cucked on by all her old badboys from the past and this nerdy loser is just astounded by his athletic good looking sons who look nothing like him convinced they are his kids.

  • Publius
    January 16, 2017 at 12:48 am

    Actually Holy Name is a pretty brown place. But this ratchet looks pretty fine. Why doesn’t Doherty ever have anything like this cheesehog.

  • This blog blows
    January 16, 2017 at 12:44 am

    Chick made a mistake. If you haven’t made a drunken mistake before the age of 25 you’re probably the most boring person on the face of the earth. People like that end up writing bad blogs anonymously … Turtleboy needs to axe a few writers..

    P.S ..secretly hope I run into her next weekend. Buying this smoke a couple drinks

    • Y'all are pigs
      January 16, 2017 at 6:41 pm

      Actually Turtleboy is just one guy, Aiden Kearney, who WAS a high school teacher but “voluntarily” left because he thought it’d be a good idea to get smashed at a football game, pretend to jack off on women, call the other teams fans crude names, and tape the whole thing. So yeah…he’s a real winner. Also every single one of you gross pervs needs to stop sexualizing young women and posting your disgusting thoughts about them online. I’m sure most of you have a pocket pussy to get back to and y’all could probably be her dad.
      Kearney – their selfies are not made to be displayed to pigs on your “news” blog. I know it gets your views up but please save yourself SOME dignity.

      • True Reality Speaks
        Maura Healey (D)
        January 17, 2017 at 8:13 pm

        I’ll be her daddy!

      • Party boy
        January 18, 2017 at 10:33 am

        Who needs a pocket pussy with so many young bar sluts like lex? Easy ass! Little bit of coke and they’re sucking cocks all night!!

      • Peter north
        February 9, 2018 at 5:36 am

        Someone needs the turtle jizz facial!!!

  • Gross
    January 16, 2017 at 12:41 am

    rockeys bar

  • Dgaf
    January 16, 2017 at 12:37 am

    Water street is a cesspool. Don’t even want to drive down there thurs through Saturday nights. It’s crazy this girl looks like a 30 year old woman though. The times are a changin

  • Dick Dover
    January 16, 2017 at 12:10 am

    I’m giving her a pass, I like a girl that can hold her own and fight dirty. Zero fucks given. Some shitape spit on me? I’m fracturing their skull.

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