Have you ever gone shopping at the grocery store and had some naked homeless dude approach you and rub his produce up against your thighs? No? Well apparently you’ve never gone shopping at the Market Basket in Lowell!!
Lowell Sun: A female employee was unpacking produce in Market Basket on Tuesday evening when Lowell police say a completely naked Christopher W. Hathaway came up behind her and began rubbing against the woman’s thigh.
Hathaway, 31, then proceeded to walk up and down the produce aisles, much to the shock of shoppers at the Wood Street store, police said.
When police arrived they put clothes, and handcuffs, on Hathaway, who allegedly told officers he was homeless and wanted to go to jail.
Hathaway got his wish.
In Lowell District Court on Wednesday, Hathaway pleaded not guilty to indecent assault and battery on someone 14 or older and open and gross lewdness. Judge Thomas Brennan ordered Hathaway held on $500 cash bail, an amount Hathaway said he couldn’t post. Hathaway was also ordered to stay away from Market Basket, with or without clothes.
Oh I’m sorry, was I not supposed to do that? Because if I had any idea that rubbing my junk against some stock girl’s thigh was frowned upon, I never would’ve done it.
LOL. Lowell. Of course fucking LOWELL. This is what happens when you have 100,000 people who invested everything in being the next Micky Ward. And OF COURSE this has to happen at the Market Basket on “Wood Street.”
I think we all know who is behind this don’t we?
Old friend Artie S. The official villain of the Summer of 2014. Anyone who doesn’t think Artie S paid this guy under the false pretenses that it was a tryout for Magic Mike, doesn’t know how Artie S rolls. You think he’s forgotten how Artie T took him to the cleaners last year? LOL. Artie S never forgets. Ever. He had this plan in the pipelines for a year now. Send in the naked guy to Market Basket and invest in Hannaford’s. Collect dividends. Repeat.
There was probably only one rule for this scheme – the naked homeless dude had to stay out of the frozen section. Go down to Shaw’s and try to buy some hot pockets while you’re pantsless WITHOUT getting shrinkage. If this vagrant rubbed against her after that she never would’ve felt anything and Artie S’s whole scheme would’ve been ruined.
The bottom line is, if you’re gonna go to jail on purpose for something, it should be this. I’ve never heard of a funner way to get arrested. This also proves once again that there are worse places to live in Massachusetts than Worcester. We’re not fortunate enough to have a Market Basket, but at least when we go down to Price Chopper the sign guy from Kelley Square isn’t shoving his produce into our grundles.