All-Star Criminals

Naked Dude In Lowell Market Basket Rubs Junk All Over Female Employee In Free Jail Scam

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Have you ever gone shopping at the grocery store and had some naked homeless dude approach you and rub his produce up against your thighs? No? Well apparently you’ve never gone shopping at the Market Basket in Lowell!!

Lowell SunA female employee was unpacking produce in Market Basket on Tuesday evening when Lowell police say a completely naked Christopher W. Hathaway came up behind her and began rubbing against the woman’s thigh.

Hathaway, 31, then proceeded to walk up and down the produce aisles, much to the shock of shoppers at the Wood Street store, police said.

When police arrived they put clothes, and handcuffs, on Hathaway, who allegedly told officers he was homeless and wanted to go to jail.

Hathaway got his wish.

In Lowell District Court on Wednesday, Hathaway pleaded not guilty to indecent assault and battery on someone 14 or older and open and gross lewdness. Judge Thomas Brennan ordered Hathaway held on $500 cash bail, an amount Hathaway said he couldn’t post. Hathaway was also ordered to stay away from Market Basket, with or without clothes.


Oh I’m sorry, was I not supposed to do that? Because if I had any idea that rubbing my junk against some stock girl’s thigh was frowned upon, I never would’ve done it.

LOL. Lowell. Of course fucking LOWELL. This is what happens when you have 100,000 people who invested everything in being the next Micky Ward. And OF COURSE this has to happen at the Market Basket on “Wood Street.”


I think we all know who is behind this don’t we?


Old friend Artie S. The official villain of the Summer of 2014. Anyone who doesn’t think Artie S paid this guy under the false pretenses that it was a tryout for Magic Mike, doesn’t know how Artie S rolls. You think he’s forgotten how Artie T took him to the cleaners last year? LOL. Artie S never forgets. Ever. He had this plan in the pipelines for a year now. Send in the naked guy to Market Basket and invest in Hannaford’s. Collect dividends. Repeat.

There was probably only one rule for this scheme – the naked homeless dude had to stay out of the frozen section. Go down to Shaw’s and try to buy some hot pockets while you’re pantsless WITHOUT getting shrinkage. If this vagrant rubbed against her after that she never would’ve felt anything and Artie S’s whole scheme would’ve been ruined.

The bottom line is, if you’re gonna go to jail on purpose for something, it should be this. I’ve never heard of a funner way to get arrested. This also proves once again that there are worse places to live in Massachusetts than Worcester. We’re not fortunate enough to have a Market Basket, but at least when we go down to Price Chopper the sign guy from Kelley Square isn’t shoving his produce into our grundles.

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8 Comment(s)
  • March 29, 2016 at 5:18 am

    Its not bette

  • Baldino's Parents Were Siblings!
    July 2, 2015 at 8:08 pm

    Are they absolutely sure it wasn’t Baldino? Oh wait, Carlo has boobs. Isn’t it time for Old Balls to start trolling on my new screen name? HA HA HA WINNING! TBS- best site ever! j.

    • John
      July 2, 2015 at 9:59 pm

      Carlo would never try it because his old ass balls would probably be dragging on the ground and get stepped on.

  • GoneWest
    July 2, 2015 at 12:53 pm

    Jordan Berg Powers hates that he did this to this poor girl. The girl on the other hand, hates that things had to end this way.

  • BobnMic
    July 2, 2015 at 11:46 am

    Did the clerk at least tip the guy? And how can you move like Magic Mike when you have Tony Orlando and Dawn “Tie a yellow ribbon” coming out of the store’s sound system?

  • WormtownorBust
    July 2, 2015 at 10:00 am

    There really is a lot to like about Lowell!

  • Kevins 9 Iron
    Frank Lee
    July 2, 2015 at 8:09 am


  • Young Townie
    July 2, 2015 at 7:58 am

    I think the meat department would have been a more appropriate venue for his performance.

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