I’m really used to exposing ratchets selling food stamps, stealing from stores, and other forms of obvious sheistiness. But every day’s different at Turtleboy, and I wake up and never know what’s going to be in the inbox. Can’t say I ever expected to see this one out of Milford, NH though.
Driving Miss Daisies strikes again! I haven’t seen that kind of damage to perennials since Dennis the Menace gave Mr. Wilson’s flower bed an upper decker.
The post was widely shared, and next thing you knew it her neighbors recognized her.
According to sources the Townsend Tulip Pirate’s name is Eileen MaGuire.
As you can see, she likes flowers, and she’ll take em any way she can get them. Hide yo chrysanthemums, hide yo lilies, because they takin all the perennials round here!
Townsend isn’t far from Milford, but it’s not exactly a short ride either. But when a crispy hippie like sees perennials she likes, she goes out and gets them. Townsend is also in Massachusetts, so she actually had to cross state lines to pull off this crime spree. Call the feds!
According to her LinkedIn the Townsend Tulip Pirate is a former Leominster Middle School teacher, a “gifted researcher” (Google certified), a “communicator,” and the author of not one, not two, but THREE unpublished novels. Unpublished novels are my favorite novels because they’re so easy to read. Also stuff like this is why I hate LinkedIn:
“Creative and innovative designer of working spaces. Customer-focused, adept at details, extremely passionate but grounded in common sense and astute observations.”
I have no idea what any of that means, and I don’t think anyone else does either. Designer of working spaces? So she sets up cubicles? Huh? grounded in common sense and astute observations? Da fuq you talkin bout Phyllis?
I don’t know what she does for a living now besides gank flowers, but she claims to have previously worked as a middle school Spanish teacher in Leominster, an adjunct professors in Gardner, a PhD candidate in Binghamton, and the owner of a catering company for five years before that.
Anyway, if Eileen would like to come on the live show with Uncle Turtleboy to explain why she’s doing this, we’d love to have her on. Maybe it’s all just a big misunderstanding? The person who the flowers belong to certainly isn’t pleased though.
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