All-Star Criminals

No Perennials Are Safe From The Townsend Tulip Pirate


I’m really used to exposing ratchets selling food stamps, stealing from stores, and other forms of obvious sheistiness. But every day’s different at Turtleboy, and I wake up and never know what’s going to be in the inbox. Can’t say I ever expected to see this one out of Milford, NH though.

Driving Miss Daisies strikes again! I haven’t seen that kind of damage to perennials since Dennis the Menace gave Mr. Wilson’s flower bed an upper decker.

The post was widely shared, and next thing you knew it her neighbors recognized her.

According to sources the Townsend Tulip Pirate’s name is Eileen MaGuire.

As you can see, she likes flowers, and she’ll take em any way she can get them. Hide yo chrysanthemums, hide yo lilies, because they takin all the perennials round here!

Townsend isn’t far from Milford, but it’s not exactly a short ride either. But when a crispy hippie like sees perennials she likes, she goes out and gets them. Townsend is also in Massachusetts, so she actually had to cross state lines to pull off this crime spree. Call the feds!

According to her LinkedIn the Townsend Tulip Pirate is a former Leominster Middle School teacher, a “gifted researcher” (Google certified), a “communicator,” and the author of not one, not two, but THREE unpublished novels. Unpublished novels are my favorite novels because they’re so easy to read. Also stuff like this is why I hate LinkedIn:

“Creative and innovative designer of working spaces. Customer-focused, adept at details, extremely passionate but grounded in common sense and astute observations.”

I have no idea what any of that means, and I don’t think anyone else does either. Designer of working spaces? So she sets up cubicles? Huh? grounded in common sense and astute observations? Da fuq you talkin bout Phyllis?

I don’t know what she does for a living now besides gank flowers, but she claims to have previously worked as a middle school Spanish teacher in Leominster, an adjunct professors in Gardner, a PhD candidate in Binghamton, and the owner of a catering company for five years before that.

Sounds legit.

Anyway, if Eileen would like to come on the live show with Uncle Turtleboy to explain why she’s doing this, we’d love to have her on. Maybe it’s all just a big misunderstanding? The person who the flowers belong to certainly isn’t pleased though.


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38 Comment(s)
  • There Flowers
    August 10, 2019 at 5:31 pm

    There Flowers, She seems like she is probably a Lovely Lady, This story was a swing and a miss and should be taken downn, Not fair if someone in the future googles her name and finds this, Once again There flowers..

    • Real_Finn
      August 10, 2019 at 11:01 pm

      There Flowers,

      Yes, “they’re” flowers. The flower “there” were not hers. They belong to someone else, thus, the flowers were [theirs].

      Get Fucked,

  • Papa say get the fuck off my lawn
    August 9, 2019 at 5:02 pm

    Big difference between digging up a plant and cutting a few blooms.
    Big fail on this one.
    I can assume half the comments in the groups you mentioned were saying the same thing.

  • ncfoothillbilly
    August 9, 2019 at 4:42 am

    Eileened over her…then she was deflowered…

  • Flower Power
    August 7, 2019 at 12:20 pm

    Women would steal the fillings out of your teeth if they thought they would get away with it

  • Stunt Penis
    August 7, 2019 at 10:57 am

    Probably wood. She looks like Rebecca Gayheart was when she was in her 20’s.

    To be fair, I know many people who will routinely pull off the side of the road to pick wildflowers. They usually have a lot of cats.

    This, though, doesn’t seem to be the case, since she pulled into someone’s driveway to do the deed.

  • jackpass
    August 7, 2019 at 9:49 am

    My father used to landscape our yard with trees he dug up on the turnabouts on Rt.128

  • Nee Chi
    August 7, 2019 at 9:07 am

    Dear MVTB,

    This article is baseless. You are a complete joke. Just a matter of time before Ole Uncle sells you out anyway. But this story is complete trash. You are unfairly doxxing a woman who is causing no harm.

    I could tell you all the ecological benefits that propagating native and hardy perennials does for our environment, and that this type of pruning has always been accepted by amateur and professional horticulturists … but you don’t care, cuz you’re obviously a complete moron

    I blame your parents for not at least introducing you to the important traditions of New England horticulture. But maybe they did, and you’re just a dark little demon…. I dunno.

    Either way, you’re an absolutely dreadful and awful person for doxxing this innocent woman.

    All the best,

    • Sir Wilfred Death
      August 7, 2019 at 3:45 pm

      There’s a heck of a difference between digging or clipping wildflowers for propagation purposes and stealing peoples’ plants. This broad is a stone thief. Trying to whitewash this criminal’s activities is shameful. What if she starts stealing garden gnomes or kids’ bikes or basketball nets? Those basketball nets are all over the place. Must mean you can just grab them.

      Nee Chi probably takes umbrellas out of stands in restaurant lobbies like George Constanza.

      Social Media is Cancer

    • Real_Finn
      August 10, 2019 at 11:16 pm

      Nee Chi,

      You write :
      “This article is baseless.”

      She was caught on camera stealing flowers. There’s your base.

      ” But this story is complete trash. You are unfairly doxxing a woman who is causing no harm.”

      It’s not ok to steal flowers that don’t belong to you. It’s wasn’t her property and it wasn’t a vacate property. Someone actually *owns* that property and spent their money on flowers to make their property aesthetically pleasing place to enjoy.

      “I could tell you all the ecological benefits that propagating native and hardy perennials does for our environment, and that this type of pruning has always been accepted by amateur and professional horticulturists”

      No, you can’t just take other people’s flowers under the guise of propagating perennials. Maybe the owner wanted them propagated on their property. Perhaps the owner wanted to gift them to someone else (someone they knew) to propagate their flowers. Are horticulturists above the law?

      “I blame your parents for not at least introducing you to the important traditions of New England horticulture. But maybe they did, and you’re just a dark little demon…. I dunno.”

      I blame your parents for not teaching you stealing is wrong. Maybe they did, and you’re just a self-absorbed twat.

      Get Fucked,

      ps — no tradition of New England horticulture encourages taking flowers from wherever you want. That’s a moot point though — there is no such thing as a “tradition of New England horticulture”. Suck it.

  • Fanny Ainge
    August 7, 2019 at 7:31 am

    Piss up a rope. If I’m out on some back road in NH and there are a million blooming perennials I’m taking my scissors out which are in the vehicle for the very reason of clipping and propagating new perennials for my garden. Even if the shrub or whatever originates in a yard, I’m taking a clipping. Bitches. Not even sorry about it.

  • Washashore
    August 7, 2019 at 7:07 am

    This happens on the Cape a lot too. They prefer community gardens and peoples Hydrangeas…And the perps are generally older…

  • Klancy
    August 6, 2019 at 11:14 pm

    So if she crossed state lines does this become a federal offense with the death penalty on the table?

  • Um
    August 6, 2019 at 10:22 pm

    can’t see the photo. when i try the photo link says 404 not found

    • Big Wick
      August 7, 2019 at 8:46 am

      no pic’s, no screenshots, no nothin’. Neither laptop (Chrome and Opera) nor iPhone. Maybe Merri linked to content no longer available, rather than screenshot? Doesn’t seem likely, but you never know. Please, Merri, we want to see the Facebook dirty laundry!

  • murdochpatsymcreynolds
    August 6, 2019 at 8:28 pm

    Eileen loves flowers. Where’s the harm in that? My God! She is a an educator! She is gifted researcher and a great communicator! You Turtlepeople need to lay off!

    August 6, 2019 at 7:41 pm

    Julian Castro tweeted out a hit list of Texas companies and businesses that support Trump. He is inciting violence. Comply with Democrsts or you will be destroyed.
    Gutless turtleboy running stories about flowers when AMERICA IS UNDER ATTACK BY LIBRALS.
    Corey Booker wants to shut down Trump rallies. Get rid of 1st amendment and yet turtleboy writes about flowers.

    • MAGA
      August 6, 2019 at 8:15 pm

      They also want to ban the exterminations that we saw over the weekend, carried out by TRUE TRUMP SUPPORTERS! MAGA!

      • Hey Shit For Brains
        August 6, 2019 at 8:33 pm

        Keep smoking your crackpipie shitstain.

      • Trolls posting maga
        August 6, 2019 at 8:36 pm

        Funny the ohio shooter was an ardent liz warren supporter and the el paso shooter was a potugese proggressive. Another violent liz warren supporter was outside Mitch Mcconnels hone threatening to stab him. These are your people mr fake maga.

  • ncfoothillbilly
    August 6, 2019 at 6:35 pm

    If she steals flowers from the wrong yard she may find herself pushing up daisies.

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    August 6, 2019 at 6:14 pm

    What’s better than roses on a piano?

    Tulips on an organ baby!

    • z
      August 6, 2019 at 6:30 pm

      C’mon everybody!!! A big round of applause for Captain Trips!!!!
      BTW, try the veal, it’s tonight’s special.

      • Captain Trips
        Louie the Lounge Singer
        August 6, 2019 at 8:46 pm

        Stick around gals and germs, my rendition of Strangers in the Night is next up! Don’t you go changin baby!

  • ha ha iam bigshot at RMV
    August 6, 2019 at 6:08 pm

    another twit that needs to be shamed everyday,who in their right mind thinks this she votes for warren and is all about standing up for people of color,all the while a fucking scumbag

  • ha ha iam bigshot at RMV
    August 6, 2019 at 6:06 pm

    another twit that needs to be shamed everyday,who in their right mind thinks this she votes for warren and is all about standing for the people of color,all the while a fucking scumbag

  • squirrely dan
    August 6, 2019 at 5:41 pm

    Working late shift 6 years ago Chelmsford. I go to my car at dusk on hot summer night, there she was bending over smiling at me, looked to be local stripper from Mac’s Deux driving Vet plates car plucking plants from company landscape. She was grabbing ankle for balance…just tanktop and short shorts, free show, that’s what I appreciates about her

  • Rochambeau
    August 6, 2019 at 4:32 pm

    I know of one town that is spoiled. Some mystery person *plants* tulips in random spots. Stupid mystery people… doing random acts and driving up property values!

  • hartf811
    Dont knock
    August 6, 2019 at 4:31 pm

    Earth people are really funny humans. Unshaven armpits, TBD oil oozing out of every pore, dirty feet and a decidedly odor of fish about her person.

  • Willie Fistergash
    August 6, 2019 at 4:15 pm

    I live near Townsend. Maybe she can swing by and pull my root.

  • Christopher Lettiere
    August 6, 2019 at 4:10 pm

    Are there supposed to be pictures and/or videos in this blog?
    I don’t see anything, making this blog not so bueno.
    Anyone, anyone?

    • HJY
      August 6, 2019 at 4:24 pm

      I can not see any pics either, just blank squares.. lol

      • Bursar
        August 6, 2019 at 6:15 pm

        You need to subscribe to the Pay-Per-View TurtleBoy Deluxe viewing package. It’s Ratchet-tastic!

  • Real_Finn
    August 6, 2019 at 3:54 pm

    She has a yahoo email account — who still uses Yahoo email??

    She definitely doesn’t have a Masters in English. For God’s sake , she wrote : “Previous work includes literary scholarship”. What? What kind of work is “literary scholarship”?

    It’s funny, I can’t find her dissertation anywhere. “Reading Race, Sex, and Religion in Morrison’s Novels 2008-2012” . Perhaps it’s not complete, thus it’s not published (like her novels). Lexus-Nexus will verify a bitch (or Rhodes Scholar).

    My tulips didn’t come up in the front of my yard this year. How dare you Eileen, I would have let you borrow my Lowe’s card for your garden. THE HUMANITY. [shakes fist angrily at Eileen]

    Get Fucked,

    • Captain Trips
      Captain Trips
      August 6, 2019 at 11:06 pm

      Where u been Finn? We missed ya!

      • Real_Finn
        August 7, 2019 at 8:18 pm

        Hi Captain,
        Rough year – I’m back and still salty. 🙂

        I miss you guys!


          August 13, 2019 at 9:56 pm

          Finn I find myself “liking” your comments before I even read them now, haven’t disagreed or not been entertained yet… I do have to keep my yahoo address though, it’s from back in the dial-up days… forgive me Finn?!

  • In hiding
    August 6, 2019 at 3:34 pm

    Imagine that! She has already shut down her Facebook

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