All-Star Criminals

Paint Chip Pubestache Steals Car To Go To Hartford Court To Face Charges Of Stealing A Car

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Hartford CourantHartford man due in court to answer a charge of stealing a car apparently stole a car to get to court, police said. Jonathan Rivera, 25, was at Superior Court in Hartford on Wednesday to answer a charge of first-degree larceny and tampering with a motor vehicle involving the theft of a car in Hartford on Feb. 17. As he waited to appear before a judge, Hartford Parking Authority agents scanning license plates for parking violators got a hit on a white 2014 Subaru Legacy parked near the courthouse. The license plates had been reported stolen and the car itself had been stolen from Newington because a key fob was left in it, police said. Police kept an eye on the car, and when Rivera left court, got in and tried to drive away, they moved in and arrested him. He was charged with second-degree larceny and taking a motor vehicle without the owner’s permission.

Gotta give it to him – the man is passionate about his line of work.

Here’s my question – what punishment is harsher – skipping court on charges of motor vehicle larceny, or committing motor vehicle larceny a second time? If it’s the former then you could actually make the case that this was the smarter thing to do.

Of course what really happened is that this assbag spent his last $20 getting his hair lined up so he could be fresh to death for court, and thus he couldn’t afford an Uber. Then he was like, “Oh snap, it’s that time of the month – court day. I gotta be there in 20 minutes. Let me just borrow this car real quick. No one will ever think I’m dumb enough to drive a stolen car to court to face charges for stealing a car.”

Guess who his favorite sportball team is?

Do we even have to ask that question anymore? Minus 10 hoodrat points for curving that brim and taking the sticker off though.

When Jonathan isn’t out stealing cars to go to court to answer for his crime of stealing cars, you can find him taking glamorous bathroom selfies

As you can see he has shampoo AND conditioner. He doesn’t have to cheap out with that 2 in 1 stuff. Baller status achieved!

Oh, and that phone holster:

Eat your heart out 1998!!

He’s also reproduced (obviously) and really wants to be reunited with his child:

Hey, here’s an idea – stop stealing cars. Might help with the custody situation. Just sayin.

Oh, and if you’re gonna do Facebook Live videos at work, try not to smoke blunts DURING the video.

Maybe just before or after.

Oh, and if you really want your daughter back, maybe don’t pose for pictures with flat brimmed chudstuffers tossing out gang signs.

The comment from Sky Eliza Corrinne is just too priceless. His friend appears to be throwing up “the shocker.” Naturally she decided this would be a good time to say, “brings me back to old times.” I’m sure it does Sky. I’m sure it does.

The bottom line is that if you know you’re due in court to face charges on motor vehicle larceny, make sure you put it in your calendar and arrange transportation ahead of time. Ya know, something legal that doesn’t involve stealing another car. Might help.

11 Comment(s)
  • Common Man
    March 17, 2018 at 3:21 pm

    How do these spics get that Brillo Pad hair?????

  • LSD
    March 9, 2018 at 7:07 am

    Thank you for bring up the fact that many folks do not understand what being able to afford something means. Just because you have the 20 bucks in your hand does not mean you can spend it on crap, when you have the need to wait and spend it on something you need. How many times do you see people with a zillion tattoos, new hair do’s, new clothes. etc. pay for their groceries with an EBT card. Or the woman that did not understand why she ran out of money so early, she was informed by a volunteer that you can’t take your kids to Friendlys every morning for breakfast.

  • Citypoint
    March 8, 2018 at 4:21 pm

    It looks like he ironed that shirt with a rock.

  • bobaloo
    March 8, 2018 at 3:48 pm

    I just wont leave the keys in the car. I doubt this generation could hot wire a newer car .

    • Some Guy
      March 8, 2018 at 5:35 pm

      Shit, these stupid motherfuckers in this generation can’t even drive a vehicle with a standard transmission…ain’t no fucking way they are hot-wiring anything. Best theft deterrent today is a car with a stick, they will never steal it.

  • z
    March 8, 2018 at 11:41 am

    It’s got to be the Bulls hat that removes all the IQ points.

  • Kanacke Hasser
    March 8, 2018 at 11:40 am

    God, please let me catch a spic trying to steal my car. Thank you.

    • z
      March 8, 2018 at 11:45 am

      And do what?

      At best you’d be like the dog that chases a car.

      Years ago, I ran one over when the SOB caught my car in front of the back wheel.

      Bark, bark, bark, thump.

      He won. He’s dead, but he won.

      • Kanacke Hasser
        March 8, 2018 at 11:49 am

        We’ll see about that, little man.

      • 2wEntEe
        March 8, 2018 at 6:16 pm

        Sounds like you have a plethora of Bulls apparel

    • KJDS
      March 8, 2018 at 4:13 pm

      It’s like the chicken and the egg – what comes first? The Bulls hat, or the Hoodrat?

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