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Last week the Portsmouth RI Police put out an all points bulletin for a mysterious porch pirate stealing packages:
Took all of five minutes for people to be screaming her name:
Stop snitchin yo!!!
Evidently Cheyanne was upset when her associate started announcing her identity all over Facebook and wisely chose to text him threatening messages:
A white ratchet broad from Rhode Island who uses the n word freely. Shocking.
According to Jack this percabeast has stolen his prescription meds before. But she denies it due to the fact that she’s a “pro at robbing people” and therefore “don’t put no weak shit in my name.”
Oh yea, she’s a real pro. Lots of porch pirate pros steal packages in broad daylight and look directly into the security camera while doing so:
Ding, ding, ding!!
Although it’s hard to recognize her without all the Facebook filters:
I love when people use the dog filter because it helps us weed out the ratchets. You might as well get “Turtleboy” tattooed on your forehead, because if you use the dog filter too often you will end up in a blog. That’s just science.
She’s got a good excuse though – it was for her birthday:
Yup, this is what the “new me” looks like. Robbing people in broad daylight while using the n word like it’s going out of style.
Things got heated in the comment section when her friends showed up. But there was a big twist when it was alleged that “Williumm,” who was proclaiming her innocence, was alleged to have been denied a tongue bath from Mr. Romano:
Ratchets of Rhode Island would be an amazing TV show. And this is supposed to be the nice part. Portsmouth is right near Newport. But once these creatures figure out how to cross a bridge…..game over.
Finally the fam showed up to defend her honor as well:
It’s true. If you’re not handed everything by Mommy and Daddy then your only recourse is to steal packages that you believe to contain medical marijuana off of other people’s porches.
Turns out the real scumbags are the people who call scumbag parents out for being scumbags.
“My sister gave her kids up because it was what was best for them.”
Translation – my sister thought it was cute and ghettofabulous to get pregnant, but once the baby started crying and wanting shit she passed them off to the state so that she could steal packages off of front porches.
A week later and the Portsmouth Porch Pirate was finally brought to justice. Unfortunately for her the cops don’t use the dog filter when releasing mugshots:
But make no doubt about it – the second she gets released on bail her mugshot will have two ears, a black nose, a long tongue, and possibly a crown of hearts above her head.
And in the least surprising turn of events ever, the porch pirate was recently released from jail on “like five assault charges.”
Although she’s still butthurt about the lack of “free muh boi” commentary, so she had to free herself:
Anyway Cheyanne, if you’d like to defend yourself or explain your side of the story please feel free to message the Turtleboy Sports Forever Facebook page, or email us at firstname.lastname@example.org. We’d love to have you on the podcast or perhaps even Turtleboy Live this Saturday night.