All-Star Criminals

Portsmouth Porch Pirate Steals Medical Marijuana Package, Immediately Identified, Claims It’s Not Her Because She’s A Pro At Robbing People And Wouldn’t Get Caught

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Last week the Portsmouth RI Police put out an all points bulletin for a mysterious porch pirate stealing packages:

Took all of five minutes for people to be screaming her name:

Stop snitchin yo!!!

Evidently Cheyanne was upset when her associate started announcing her identity all over Facebook and wisely chose to text him threatening messages:

A white ratchet broad from Rhode Island who uses the n word freely. Shocking.

According to Jack this percabeast has stolen his prescription meds before. But she denies it due to the fact that she’s a “pro at robbing people” and therefore “don’t put no weak shit in my name.”

Oh yea, she’s a real pro. Lots of porch pirate pros steal packages in broad daylight and look directly into the security camera while doing so:

Ding, ding, ding!!

Although it’s hard to recognize her without all the Facebook filters:

I love when people use the dog filter because it helps us weed out the ratchets. You might as well get “Turtleboy” tattooed on your forehead, because if you use the dog filter too often you will end up in a blog. That’s just science.

She’s got a good excuse though – it was for her birthday:

Yup, this is what the “new me” looks like. Robbing people in broad daylight while using the n word like it’s going out of style.

Things got heated in the comment section when her friends showed up. But there was a big twist when it was alleged that “Williumm,” who was proclaiming her innocence, was alleged to have been denied a tongue bath from Mr. Romano:

Ratchets of Rhode Island would be an amazing TV show. And this is supposed to be the nice part. Portsmouth is right near Newport. But once these creatures figure out how to cross a bridge… over.

Finally the fam showed up to defend her honor as well:

It’s true. If you’re not handed everything by Mommy and Daddy then your only recourse is to steal packages that you believe to contain medical marijuana off of other people’s porches.

Turns out the real scumbags are the people who call scumbag parents out for being scumbags.

“My sister gave her kids up because it was what was best for them.”

Translation – my sister thought it was cute and ghettofabulous to get pregnant, but once the baby started crying and wanting shit she passed them off to the state so that she could steal packages off of front porches.

A week later and the Portsmouth Porch Pirate was finally brought to justice. Unfortunately for her the cops don’t use the dog filter when releasing mugshots:

But make no doubt about it – the second she gets released on bail her mugshot will have two ears, a black nose, a long tongue, and possibly a crown of hearts above her head.

And in the least surprising turn of events ever, the porch pirate was recently released from jail on “like five assault charges.”

Although she’s still butthurt about the lack of “free muh boi” commentary, so she had to free herself:

Anyway Cheyanne, if you’d like to defend yourself or explain your side of the story please feel free to message the Turtleboy Sports Forever Facebook page, or email us at We’d love to have you on the podcast or perhaps even Turtleboy Live this Saturday night.

15 Comment(s)
  • kgdgr
    March 13, 2018 at 4:18 pm

    It never really bothered me before but why can’t these people type a half way articulate fucking sentence. Like, they even have words missing. Not just typos and bad punctuation. I know I’m not the smartest but at least I read my fucking message before I post it.

  • John G
    March 13, 2018 at 1:52 pm

    Hey Williuum, suck a bag of dicks faggot!!

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    March 13, 2018 at 1:46 pm

    She looks like she prefers the chocolate shaft

  • Sloppy
    March 13, 2018 at 1:23 pm

    Serious question: Why do white trash people call each other “nigga”?

    • That's Why
      March 14, 2018 at 11:58 am

      Because they’re equally disposable.

  • what a 'lil tubby
    March 13, 2018 at 12:49 pm

    So funny watching it waddle across the yard. lmfao. Tubby ‘lil thing.

  • Mike
    March 13, 2018 at 12:41 pm

    Another Ratchet trap success! 

  • robert I
    March 13, 2018 at 11:47 am

    You can’t make this stuff up.
    How do kids fall so far so fast?
    She needs help and help soon.

  • D. Risteen
    March 13, 2018 at 11:39 am

    Potential MSP K-9 trooper material there! ooh-Rah!

    • Henry K
      March 13, 2018 at 1:25 pm

      She’s not an actual canine it’s just a thing that Facebook does to pictures

  • WhiteHoYo
    March 13, 2018 at 11:38 am

    Bitch done look like her face was run ova by a mack truck.

  • Hughbo Mont
    March 13, 2018 at 11:31 am

    It never ceases to amaze me to see the crap that these people write on public FB pages. They continue to chronicle their pathetic unproductive, not mention unethical or illegal, lives in half-ass english for all the world to see. It’s like a never ending Twilight Zone episode come to life – only much scarier when you think about it.

    • ElJefe72
      March 13, 2018 at 11:59 am

      The 47% is strong and growing in numbers.

  • Bill Clinton
    March 13, 2018 at 11:28 am

    Wouldn’t. Not on your life, or even Hilary’s. Nope.

  • Top turtle fan
    March 13, 2018 at 11:03 am

    Shes got the disease. Why are you being so cruel???? I’m just She’s another dooshenuggettt who WILL be a repeat peter eater on TBS. So sad too,once she gets REALLY into the heroin she’ll lose all that baby fat and might makeout being a ‘hostess’ for awhile in one of the ‘Gentlemen’s’ clubs in Providence before heading to the Blackstone Valley to ‘retire’

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