Preseason NFL Turtleboy Sportball Expert Voter’s Poll
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Time to put the sportball back in Turtleboy Sports. The Patriots kick off round three of the fuck you tour tonight against the Chiefs. Obviously we’re gonna murder them because God loves us more and he’d never let us lose on opening night with Roger Goodell in attendance. No way we win by less than 14. And Kansas City is actually pretty good. That’s how much better we are than everyone else. The real question is, who’s number 2? So every Tuesday or Wednesday we’re gonna publish the Turtleboy Sportball Expert Voter’s Poll. We have a panel of four distinguished experts who will rank em 1-32 every week, starting with our official preseason rankings, playoff predictions, and Super Bowl matchup. Here’s the first official poll:
And here’s how our expert staff ranked em:
And here’s the playoff and Super Bowl predictions:
As you can see, Uncle Turtle knows what he’s doing. Quick thoughts:
- The Steelers are the king of going 11-5 one year and 8-8 the next. Their coach is a joke. He’ll find a way to fuck this up. Everyone has the Steelers as the second best team in the AFC. They won’t make the playoffs.
- The Bengals had a bad year last year. They’ll be back, just in time to choke in the playoffs like they always do.
- The Bucs are gonna be a wagon this year. I believe in Jameis Winston more than 90% of the quarterbacks in the league. He’s an idiot, and he talks the assistant coach from the Waterboy. But he’s a winner and he’s got big ol’ balls. Plus they added OJ Howard and Desean Jackson to a 9-7 team. They’re gonna be really good.
- The Cardinals and Panthers will both have bounceback years and fight for the final NFC playoff spot
- The NFC South is the best division in football. No one will be below 500 and both wild cards will come from there.
- The Cowboys will still win that division because Dak Prescott means more to them than Ezekial Elliot.
- The Titans and Raiders are gonna be really good. So will the Texans
- The Browns will win at least 5 games.
- The Jets will go 1-15 and beat the Bills.
Now here’s why each of my colleagues is an idiot:
Quite possibly the safest, least controversial, boring predictions I’ve ever seen. He picked 10 of last year’s 12 playoff teams. I will give him credit for the Tampa Bay selection. Besides that, no balls on the Crap Factory whatsoever.
He’s a doctor, so he’s obviously smarter than the other two. That’s why his list is the most comparable to mine. I think Seattle is on the decline though. That defense isn’t getting any younger and Pete Carroll is a moron. They’re gonna go 10-6 (because they get to play San Fran and the Rams twice) and lose to Atlanta in the wild card game.
This is why he’s still an intern. Dumbest picks I’ve ever seen. The Eli Manning Giants are the second best team in the NFL? The abortion known as the Indianapolis Colts are gonna make the playoffs? The Drew Brees Saints are 11 spots below the Eagles? This is how you get relegated to coffee duty. If he thinks I’m signing off on his paperwork so he can use us on his resume, he is sadly mistaken.
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