All-Star Criminals

Psychopath Feministos At NARAL Mad At Doritos For Humanizing Fetus And Many Other Insane Microaggressions From Super Bowl Commercials

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As you know, Turtleboy Sports is a family feminist blog. But the term “feminist” has been hijacked by short haired, hyphenated last name busy bodies who spend their days looking for ways to take normal things and find a way to take offense to them. Basically it’s a bunch of Lena Dunham’s and this angry lady:

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That’s why we call these people “feministos.” They are fake feminists. They are professional protesters and miserable people. One of these groups is called NARAL, and last night they spent the entire game looking for ways to make the Super Bowl commercials offensive towards women. This one was the best:

Hilarious right? Because in the real world a baby in the womb doesn’t really move for Doritos. When they’re born they just want milk. It’s all they eat for the first 3 months of their lives. But Doritos are so good they can get babies to do hilarious things during ultrasounds. Get it?

Seems like a harmless, light hearted commercial. Not according to the feministos at NARAL though:

Wait……what??  How demented do you have to be to watch that commercial and reach this 140 character conclusion? Tell me more about how the actress in the commercial is the one who is uptight, not the sweaty single woman in her pajamas drinking soy milk. Because that makes TONS of sense. Just look at all these microaggressions!!

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I guess it’s kind of antichoice. I mean, where was the cool ranch flavor? Kind of sexist to only have the nacho cheese flavor in the room.

So now it’s sexist to “humanize a fetus?” This is feminism?? Ummm, pretty sure the imaginary, non-existent baby in that commercial is heavily into the third trimester and is ready to come out and play. Oh yea, and the imaginary parents in the commercial were planning on keeping it, which I understand is incredibly sexist. Because apparently the only way to show that you’re a feminist in 2016 is film a commercial about the abortion clinic. Making a choice about keeping a baby is very anti-choice…..wait….what??

Let’s also point out the fact that NARAL’s stance on the fetus is that it’s not a real person yet. I’m not gonna debate that because we avoid the abortion issue like the plague around here. But I will point out the fact that if a fetus isn’t a human being, then how can it have a Mom and a Dad? Because the words “Mom and Dad” were both used in that tweet when referring to the fetus in question.

And yea, when you’re 8 and a half months pregnant, you have every right to be uptight. You’re bloated and gigantic. And if Turtleboy was chowing down on a bag of Doritos while Mrs. Turtleboy was having an ultrasound, I’d assume she wouldn’t be thrilled about that either. It doesn’t make the woman uptight, it makes her normal.

Oh yea, and as for the Dad looking clueless, how bout you hens let us men decide whether or not we wanna be offended by that. Because none of us give a shit. No self respecting man goes around looking for microagressions to get offended about. Well, everyone except for Apple Daddy. If you’re new to this blog and don’t know about Apple Daddy then you can catch up on one of the most infamous Turtleboy Sports villain/dooshnozzles of all time by reading this

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Apple Daddy is the most self-emasculated man who has ever lived.

Here’s another Audi commercial that NARAL got fired up about:

That was a really cool commercial that gets you all nostalgic about the space age. The story of an old man who is obviously depressed that he’s so old, but luckily his loving son is there to buy him a $50,000 car in order to bring him back in time and keep him from hanging himself. Naturally the feministos found a way to take offense to this:

Another strong point. This commercial was about an old man thinking about his life as an astronaut in the 60’s when he walked on the moon. But they only showed a guy walking on the moon. What about all those women who walked on the moon? Ya know, like, what’s her face…and that chick from that thing. Oh wait, no women actually walked on the moon did they? Nevertheless, it was incumbent upon Audi to rewrite the history books and put a woman on the moon. Preferably Jane Fonda. Because that seems like a perfectly normal demand from a rational group of women. Please, tell me more about how Audi should manipulate history to fit your Marcy Darcy agenda.

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Then there was this commercial from Buick of a woman catching a wedding bouquet a la Odell Beckham Jr:


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Love it. A beautiful woman showing the world that females don’t have to be typecasted as unathletic crying buffoons like every single woman who has ever been a contestant on The Bachelor. Seems like a great way to show the world that women can do anything, including making one handed masculine catches like ODBJ. Oh wait, you say that NARAL has a problem with this?

Yea, women trying to catch a wedding bouquet is the ultimate misogynistic microaggression. That never happens at real weddings. Oh wait, yes it does. I guess the short haired yahoo patrol at NARAL doesn’t get invited to a lot of weddings. Shocking, I know. They seem like so much fun.

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Then there was the Snickers commercial where Willam H. Macey transformed into Marilyn Monroe after eating a Snickers:

You know they’d find a million ways to take offense to this one….

Transphobic. LOL. A man who becomes a woman is now transphobic. Wait….what? Isn’t that like, exactly what transgender means? Shouldn’t William Dafoe be getting a courage award right now? And please, tell me more about how Marilyn Monroe disliked being objectified. Because it’s not like she spent her entire career making millions of dollars by turning herself into the most common form of currency in the 1960’s spank bank. No, no, no. It took a lot more than a snickers bar to get her to do that.

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Or how bout this Hyundai commercial where Kevin Hart lets the guy who is taking his daughter out for a date use his Hyundai as a ruse to stalk them and make sure the boy goes home with a bad case of blue balls:

Turtleboy agrees – there is nothing funny about Kevin Hart. And the whole, “I’m gonna chop your balls off if you fuck my daughter” schtick might be the lamest and dumbest bit in show biz. But the reason that Dads feel this way is because they understand that teenage boys are freaking DANGEROUS!! They let their Johnson’s do all the thinking all the time. And if the princess gets knocked up, the teenage boy isn’t the one who’s gotta lug the love child around for nine months. So basically Kevin Hart’s character loves his daughter so much that he wants to protect her from guys who have bad intentions for her. Sounds pretty sexist to me!!

Hyundai was the king of microagressions for the Super Bowl this year:

I know right? It’s almost like the female actresses in that commercial voluntarily agreed to pretend be attracted to movie stars like Ryan Reynolds. And where was the part in that commercial where the women were bad drivers? Must’ve missed it. Oh yea, and how bout that sexist soundtrack – “What a man, what a man what a might good man?” No way an all girl group from the 90’s would ever record a misogynistic song like that and then make millions by selling a hit album. How dare they make choices and succeed!!! Real women don’t need men. Real women grow out their armpit hair, hate all men, and sit at home and yell at their cats while they look for things to be offended by during the Super Bowl.

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So yea, this is the main difference between feminists and feministos. Turtleboy is a feminist because in those commercials he saw women making choices, standing up for themselves, dating who they please, and lusting over their favorite washed up movie stars. But feministos don’t believe that women should make choices. They believe women should do and act as they tell them to do. That’s the big difference. Anyone who chooses to keep their baby, lust over a man, or have any desire whatsoever to get married, isn’t a real feminist according to their hilarious world view.

The bottom line is that because people associate feminism with idiotic groups like NARAL, Donald Trump or Marco Rubio will probably be the next President of the United States. And I swear to God if you feministos give me four years of Ted Cruz I will never, ever forgive you. If I have to watch that ugly bastard with the most annoying voice I’ve ever heard, debate with Hillary and her fake ass smile and orange muumuu, I will denounce America forever. NARAL is the reason that we might ultimately have to choose between those two dingbats. Thanks NARAL.


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20 Comment(s)
  • John Barker
    February 5, 2017 at 3:30 pm

    Already sick of this little number…”WE are having a baby”…Bite me, Your wife,GF or welfare queen is having a baby, not you boy.

  • Steven Stover
    February 11, 2016 at 11:26 am

    I thought Beyonce and the booty and boob show was sexist. What did NASAL say about that?

  • kittykicker
    February 9, 2016 at 5:15 pm

    Aren’t there literally dozens of more important things going on this country right now, than to whine and complain about funny Super Bowl commercials?? If by some miracle this woman is in a relationship, I really feel bad for that poor guy (or gal)! She must be the life of the party!!

  • Finnish Goalie
    February 9, 2016 at 11:26 am

    I know other posts already said it, but come on, how did you not know that was Willem Dafoe?

  • Nanny
    February 9, 2016 at 9:46 am

    R8 MSRP: $165,450


  • Chris From Georgia
    February 9, 2016 at 9:15 am

    NARAL seriously need to get a life!

  • Woodiculous
    February 9, 2016 at 8:55 am

    That Audi R8 costs more like $250,000, not $50,000

  • BlackandWhite
    February 9, 2016 at 7:54 am

    NARAL feministos whine-piss-moan about EVERYTHING – not just Superbowl commercials.


  • Nanny
    February 9, 2016 at 7:00 am

    NARAL = nannyburgers

  • Jafreese
    February 9, 2016 at 5:45 am

    I might have to support this group for the simple fact that they are the only people I’ve ever seen that know how to properly use hashtags

  • Reddog
    February 9, 2016 at 3:36 am

    Naral? How many members does this club have. What a bunch of fucking wierdo’s. We should ship every member to the Middle East and let them find something else to complain about. Seriously,wtf.

  • BobnMic
    February 9, 2016 at 1:12 am

    Hey better fucking yet, do you think that maybe NARAL and Jenny Devio are ya know? Ya know. I know ya know.

    • carlton
      February 9, 2016 at 1:55 am

      That right there is the exact thing you’d want to see if you were looking to cast all turtleriders sexist. You fucking idiot keep your dumbass jokes to yourself so maybe the majority of us who aren’t morons don’t get grouped together with backwards dooshnozzles like yourself. How many times does tb have to say he’s a voice of reason before you realize YOU and your ilk are solely responsible for tb’s negative image in the public? I really fucking hate you, thanks for painting a target on all our backs with your lizard brain.

      • BobnMic
        February 9, 2016 at 3:26 am

        Hey Carlton, fuck you. You just don’t get it do you? Sad.

        • BobnMic
          February 9, 2016 at 3:41 am

          And then there is carlton – You do NOT have the right to use the word expressed as “dooshnozzole?.” You did not spell it correctly. Plus your name is carlton which is very creepy. Because most people’s names are spelled with capital letters and hardly anyone is named carlton or Carlton my goodness.

          Anyway – good luck loser.

  • Springfield City of Homies
    February 8, 2016 at 11:16 pm


    • BobnMic
      February 9, 2016 at 12:01 am

      Wow – Good fucking thing we have people that correct irrelevant spelling errors or else we all might die! How does it feel to be always right? Human F7s suck…

  • Springfield City of Homies
    February 8, 2016 at 11:15 pm

    It’s actually Wimmen Dafoe.

    • Snapp'r
      February 8, 2016 at 11:21 pm


    • Ted
      February 9, 2016 at 3:26 pm

      “Humanize” a fetus? What the hell do they think is going to be birthed by a human female, except a HUMAN?!!

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