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Reader Email: Ladies and gentlemen, if you’re reading this right now, I want you to take a $100 dollar bill out of your wallet, ATM, piggy bank, your mamas purse whatever, walk over to the nearest toilet, toss it in there and flush. That’s exactly what buying into these multi level marketing and pyramid schemes like Beachbody, Herbal Life, Wildtree “Organics”, It Works, and now the “I wear a fancy what resembles a nicotine patch on my arm Thrive” feels like.
And it’s not just that $100 dollars you’ll spend! Oh no, that’s just the foreplay to the start of a really long relationship with someone who’s packing a pencil in their pants! Yep, you’ll be putting in all time, money and effort and like Jagger says, “You ain’t get no satisfaction!”
Oh, and it gets better! The $100 dollars you just wiped your ass with is the first installment, so wait there’s more! You can buy an additional bag of horse manure from random people who will hound you endlessly in every social media outlet or better yet, probably peep in your window while you’re eating dinner with your family for asking even a single question about their product for only an additional $99.95 a month!
That’s right folks! You can give your hard earned money to strangers selling you a dream bigger than King Tut’s Tomb and get the equivalent of an egg fart in return. Sounds like a deal to me! Where do I sign!?! I should take a moment to apologize in advance to that .01% population of people that one of these chemical laden, overpriced products may have actually helped but I feel it’s my duty to express my opinion and provide a public service announcement for those burning off much needed brain cells even contemplating falling into one of these traps.
Body image and society’s definition of beautiful sends many over the edge in the pursuit of perfection. People go so berserk for a quick fix even the heroine addicts are turning a side eye. It seems no one quite understands how they got into battling the bulge in the first place. Ok that’s a lie. We do know, we just don’t want to admit it’s bad diet and failure to wanna blow through that $5.00 stick of deodorant. But ask anyone and they will play dumb like they cant fathom how they got here and all they know is they wanna shed the weight.
The thing is, no one seems to want to actually do the exercise and create a slight drizzle of perspiration, and they don’t want to eat broccoli until they shit green, so instead they look for the “easy” way out. That little piece of weight loss magic. Enter stage left, multi level marketing evil geniuses across the world! These evil geniuses are waiting for suckers like you! Fancy containers to measure your food, dancing workouts, workouts that last 3 minutes but promise you’ll look like Jillian Michaels in 10 days, patches that stick to your body and look like you just left Adcare. Oh and the wraps! The wraps should be called “It Doesn’t Work.” Don’t forget to buy your greens!
People complain good, fresh food is too expensive but did you know spinach is a real deal green and it cost &2.99 not some $39.99 green powder. It’s like saying you can totally afford that real Gucci but you prefer a fake one. Spinach, now THAT Works!
Wildtree is all Organic products. It sure is if you don’t read labels. Their Grape Seed oil is to die for though! Wrong! Blowing your hard earned paycheck on over priced Grape Seed oil when Trader Joe’s has it for like $3.99 is to die for….of stupidity. Herbal Life, now there’s a cluster “duck” as auto correct commonly refers to it. Sounds more like a Dre and Snoops Dogg reunion album. If you are thinking about spending your money on Herbal Life and you think you are gonna get a good deal by putting five on it, you ain’t getting shit but stems and sticks.
These companies prey on your own body image insecurities and you fall for it hook line and sinker. These schemes mass-produce products that are loaded with sugar and chemicals and sell you a pipe dream. Be healthy, get rich quick, annoy the hell out of your family and friends and go broke with no results. Ah the modern day American Dream.
If you sell this stuff you do realize your friends and family unfollow you and avoid your calls on purpose right? I know it hurts but you have time to make it right, stop adding us to asshat online parties and closed groups. There’s one company though that stands out like a giant and it would be my honor to go on a mission to Oz, meet the great and powerful wizard only to pull that massive fake ass curtain down.
That Wizard is none other than Beachbody and it would be my pleasure to have the courage, heart and brains to expose them for what they really are….brainwashing car salesmen in the form of “coaches.” Coaches! Can you believe the audacity? Last I checked a coach on a team, taught, mentored, directed and trained a team of players looking to win a championship. Do you even coach Bro?
Beachbody “coaches” (I hate even calling them that but losers is too harsh) don’t care about you and your fitness goals! They could give a rats fat ass what you cooked for dinner and if you did 22 Minute Hard Corp or Shake your Country Booty. They don’t give a flying poopshoot if you succeed or fail as long as they get your kickback and that’s a BET you can take to the bank my friends.
The first thing a “coach” says is here’s our products, buy gazillion dollar shakeology (don’t mind the sugar and chemicals btw) and pick any workout program to go with it. And oh hey do you wanna be a “coach”?!? You get a discount on our really steeply priced products and you can mentor and send help people too!!
Really?! Really?! Someone who doesn’t know anything about controlling their own weight or health and is just learning to take care of themselves are now considered qualified to direct and mentor others? How do you justify that? Better yet how do people fall for that!!?! Have you all gone mad? 90% of the Beachbody coaches I’ve seen are not in shape and that’s a fact. And it’s with all due respect but come on. Never take advice from someone you aren’t willing to trade places with. Don’t follow someone who hasn’t proven their ability to lead and plain and simple don’t be stupid.
Most of the Beachbody “coaches” I’ve seen take pics from the neck up. I can assure you it’s not to keep you in suspense of seeing their six-pack. Don’t get me wrong there are some coaches, annoying as they are that walk the walk but far and few between and it’s because they ate right and worked out for the recommended amount of time per national accredited fitness factions like ACE, NASM which is 30-60 min 3-5 times a week. None of this workout in 3 minutes and look like Shaun T.
Actually, Shaun T doesn’t even use Beach Body, hence why he probably looks so good. You wanna look like Denise Austin, get a $10.00 gym membership, don’t eat garbage, don’t cheat yourself and move your damn asses. That it! You can probably do that for $150.00 for the whole year. That’s a lot of savings to put toward healthy food that you complain is too expensive.
There’s plenty of free fit clubs and walking groups as well and if you really need help, go to a certified fitness professional. Did you know that for about the same money or a little more you can meet with someone once a week, train with them, get additional workouts and they help with your food? You might spend a little more but a year from now you will maybe be where you want to be and won’t be thousands in the hole, still carrying around that same 80 pounds and roaming around with a cone on your head allegedly honing in fat burning air molecules like the Pokemon Go zombie apocalypse. I know sounds crazy doesn’t it?
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