This Day In Turtleboy

Reblog: Burlington Mall Sleeping Fupaslug Panhandler Has Been Working That Corner For Years With Her Gravy Dumpster Boy Toy And She Sent Us A Hilarious FB Message

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This is Turtleboy vacation week and we’ve given our bloggers a week off to enjoy themselves. We’ll be reblogging some of our greatest hits this week though to help you remember the golden times. 


Last week we published this blog about some fupaslug who panhandles outside the Burlington Mall, and has a tendency to fall asleep while standing up with a Dunkin Donuts iced coffee lodged in her lactation cannons.

Turtle riders started showing up out of the woodwork with their stories of dealing with this skagbag. Like this picture of this clearly “hungry” and “starving” super plus sized fupaslug putting something up her nose inside  Wendy’s for everyone to see:

Others sent us more pictures of the infamous cheddar dumpling doing what she does best – sleeping on the job:

As well as some other action photos:

Within minutes we had a bunch of people messaging us with a name – Amber Porter, AKA Amber Holy on the Facebook machine.

As you can see, the correct answer in this episode of ratchet roulette, was Nashua. Never saw that one coming. She doesn’t have time to work, but she has plenty of time to constantly update her Facebook profile picture to another slightly different selfie from the last.

And as you can see, she has plenty of money for the essentials. Like hair dye

Excessive amounts of makeup

Multiple cats

And of course copious amounts of Wendy’s and whatever she was putting up her nose inside that Wendy’s.

Anyway, all the good corners in Nashua are apparently taken, so they get in their car (yes, they own a car) and travel to Burlington every day. I say they because there’s two of them (boyfriend and girlfriend) and they’ve been doing this for YEARS!! This is Alex Emery from Westford with his boo:

Here he is working his corner, holding a sign about needing money for food for his kids:

Except he doesn’t have any kids. They just lie to get idiots to give them money. And yes, if you’ve ever given money to ANY panhandler, you are an idiot. Slap yourself in the face because you’re so fucking stupid.

The picture above set off a woman a couple months back because she either runs or is affiliated with farmer’s market in Tyngsboro, and he is standing on their sign:

Yup, this is outside of the Pheasant Lane Mall in Nashua. So they travel back and forth the Route 3 corridor, going from mall to mall, holding signs about fake kids, in order to fuel their drug habits. And as bad as they are, they wouldn’t do it if people didn’t give them money. I’m sure you feel good about yourself when you give them a dollar. But all you’re really doing is helping them get their next fix.

Alex has been working the corners for years. Here’s some posts he made in 2012, whining about people in nice cars who don’t give him money:

Yea, how could you heartless people NOT give him your hard earned money? This grown man deserves your money because you have more money than he does. Pay for his next batch of heroin or else you’re a heartless dooshnozzle.

Hurricane Fupa apparenty did not like the blog we published either, and sent an all time ratchet rant to our Facebook page:

If you wanna hear what this nonsensical run-on sentence sounds like when a ratchetbeast reads it loud, Uncle Turtle dictated it in all caps voice on the Facebook Live show last night:

Newsflash Amber – no one cares about your sob story. We all got problems. Deal with it. You weren’t featured in our blog because you were a crackhead. You were featured because you were asleep while panhandling, and you had a Dunkin Donuts iced coffee LODGED IN YOUR TITTIES!!! That’s new level ratchet.

Oh yea, and no one believes that you’re clean either. If you haven’t used in over a year then why are you still panhandling?

And did I read that right? You’re doing the “right things with your life now?” Uhhhh, you’re holding a sign while passed out with a Dunkin Donuts iced coffee LODGED IN YOUR TITTIES!!! That hilarious scenario doesn’t play out to people who are doing the right things with their life. If you ever pass out standing up while panhandling with a Dunkin Donuts iced coffee LODGED IN YOUR TITTIES, then your life is all sorts of fucked up still.

And you’re right, you do have a weight problem. That’s what makes this whole situation hilarious. You’re allegedly in need, but you clearly have not missed a meal……ever. But yet somehow you claim to be seeing a doctor about your “problem.” Ya got that? She’s got government subsidized healthcare, and she’s seeing a doctor about a problem that she could easily fix herself by exercising and getting a fucking job.

Oh, and you’re not a “big beautiful woman” either. That’s just something people tell fupaslugs like yourself because they don’t want to hurt their feelings. But we don’t care about your feelings and we’re hear to tell you the truth. We do however look forward to the impending lawsuit from using your picture without your permission.



4 Comment(s)
  • Former Burlington worker
    August 14, 2018 at 2:28 pm

    I used to work in Burlington and I would see this gutter muppet almost everyday. I would always ask her how much percs cost and she would flip me off. Her chudstuuffer boyfriend and her have this hooked up Jeep SUV that is worth more than my car. Her and her bf are full of shit and are nothing more than parasitic scumbags. I love the pic of their “nest” in the woods NRA the mall in Nashua.

  • Revrun Fishknuckle
    August 13, 2018 at 6:29 am

    Ha! I’ve been seeing Alex at that spot in Tyngsborough for years now, usually right after I hit on a scratchie down the road and I never gave him a dime. I did make sure to fire up a smoke in front of him.

    I always wondered if the pathetic look on his face was practiced. Since he looks almost normal in his selfies I’d say I got my answer.

    I hear they would park at the Pheasant Lane Mall and walk over.

    Saw a new kid at Exit 6 northbound the other day, looked pretty young and able bodied but had that same practiced pathetic look on his face. Must be an apprentice..

  • Fo Sho
    Not wid my dick
    August 12, 2018 at 10:45 pm

    You’d rather try the Chocolate Starfish???? Been crusted ova for years…..not a chance……….

  • mahty walsh
    August 12, 2018 at 7:08 pm

    how do you bang this sow?
    roll her in flour and aim for the wetspot

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