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This is Turtleboy vacation week and we’ve given our bloggers a week off to enjoy themselves. We’ll be reblogging some of our greatest hits this week though to help you remember the golden times. 

Last night we published this blog about a stage five clinger smack magnet, who was summonsed by the Auburn PD about her involvement as a getaway driver for her boyfriend after he robbed a local heroin dealer and drove off with him on the hood of the car. We found that Gabbi Hebert of Dudley claims to be in the army, and is a veteran.

Despite the fact that she’s been arrested a whole bunch of times

She also said she was pregnant after she became insanely jealous of other girls who were posting on her fugitive boyfriend’s Facebook page.

Anyway, as soon as we blogged about her tall tales we heard from her on the Facebook machine…..

Uh-oh, an Internet lawsuit!!!

Attorney Dick N. Vulva is gonna have his hands full of ratchetry tomorrow!!

That’s when she busted out the “you don’t know who my family is,” and the “I’m not like the other white trash you blog about” cards:

Stop the fight!! She doesn’t just have a lawyer. She comes from a family FULL of lawyers and million dollar construction corporations. Except she’s lying about that too:

So yea, they have absolutely nothing to do with this. Just another innocent person she’s trying to bring down with her. If we had some construction that needed to be done we’d gladly call this law-abiding, reputable business. Even if this was true, the fact that she thinks she’s exempt from being a sewersnatch because her “father” owns a multi-million dollar construction company is amazing. Turtleboy doesn’t discriminate based on socioeconomics. Everyone knows that.

She also insisted she’s still in a unit in Devens, despite all the arrests. Oh yea, and that time she was busted in a prostitution sting, she wasn’t arrested for hooking – she was arrested for drugs. Because that’s way better:

Anyway, Gabbi insists that she can’t be criticized because she’s a pregnant veteran. And I’m pretty sure you have to be deployed for a long period of time in order to officially gain veteran status. If she could just confirm for us that she did indeed fight for her country in a foreign land we would gladly blog about this misunderstanding and apologize. So we asked her where she went, and this is what we got:

So…..not answering? Instead she went on a rant about how she was just kidding when she said she was discharged from the army:

For reference she said we could ask her BFFL/recruiter Lily Darling:

Anyway, she’s not answering the only question we care about – where and when did she serve when she was deployed in order to attain veteran status?

OK, still not getting anywhere. Wonder why? Obviously we’re doing this because we want to show the world that she did indeed serve overseas. Because you’d have to be a pretty big skag to lie about being a veteran if you were never deployed. Finally she answered our question:

Korea!!! OK. The United States does have close to 30,000 troops per year stationed in Korea. But which Korea was she in? North or South:

North Korea!!!!

She’s so much smarter than Turtleboy too. Ummmmmmm, we’re only allowed in North Korea….duh!! Do you even watch CNN? Everyone knows that. After all the Korean War is still going strong after 67 years. Once General MacArthur finally lands on Inchon it’s gonna be a rap though. Any day now.

She also continued to defend her junkie boyfriend who ditched her and moved to Florida:

Yea, he robs drug dealers. He’s basically the Worcester version of Omar Little. Therefore it’s OK.

She says she’s been in the military for five years:

But then later on she said she’s been in since 2014:

Yup, did the math. Seems like your imaginary career as a veteran has been going on for less than three years. But she posted some pictures on Facebook so her story checks out:

And the army is cool with her getting arrested for drugs because they’re the ones who got her hooked on percs in the first place:

But it’s cool because now that she’s “pregnant” she magically has the ability to stop using:

Oh, and she also says her sister and fiance died:

She wouldn’t tell us either of their names, but I’m sure they’re real too. After all, this girl is really, really good at telling the truth.

P.S. She also has an Instagram page where she posts pictures of other girls at the gym, pretends that it’s her, and hopes no one will notice.

Notice the lack of tread marks. Just sayin.