Slugrakes Rob, Run Over Their Heroin Dealer, Junkie Busted In Prostitution Sting Getaway Driver Claims To Be Pregnant Veteran, Flips Out On Any Chick Who Posts On Her Lover’s Facebook Page
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Auburn has the misfortune of being the epicenter of Massachusetts. It’s where 290, the Mass Pie, 395, Route 12, and Route 20 all converge. It’s a nice town, but it’s got a million cheap hotels, so it’s basically a haven for orgies and drug transactions. And what you are about to read is one of the most outrageous and entertaining stories ever told on Turtleboy Sports:
Wait…….so the cops don’t release the name of the “victim” because four junkies robbed him of his heroin? Doesn’t that make him a drug dealer? So all you have to do to keep your name out of the paper is jump on the hood of a car when you get busted selling poison to vulnerable people during an opiate epidemic? I don’t understand that one. Whatever, that’s the Auburn PD’s call. We don’t have to play by the same rules as them. This is the “victim”
Kenny Holbrook. He’s a real winner. And he’s never in trouble with the law.
Oh, and someone started a GoFundMe for him, presumably so he can get his business started back up again once he gets out of the hospital.
“He was injured in an accident.” Yea, they just forgot to mention the part where he jumped on the hood of a moving vehicle because the people inside of it never paid for the opiate that’s killing people like hot cakes all over New England. That’s basically the same thing as an “accident.”
Sebastian Burke, one of the guttermuppets who robbed his ass, is a real peach too:
Just a man with a chain, a wife-beater, and a pair of skinny jeans, looking into the sunset with an ocean bay background, posing for a picture. Nothing homoerotic about that.
Sebastian has quite the vocabulary. He especially enjoys the n word:
Just a reminder, he picked up this language on the mean streets of Charlton. So he gets a pass. Everyone knows that Charlton hoodrats don’t play.
Brian Downes is a real winner too.
If that face doesn’t scream, “keepin it 100” then I don’t even know what that phrase means anymore. And this GED caboose is actually quite proud that he ran over a heroin dealer:
Newsflash Brian – we are not stupid. We know you did not run over this heroin dealer because you’re some sort of noble human being. You did it because you’re a junkie who didn’t wanna pay for his heroin. You are a lifelong snitch from what everyone tells us, which is why you get such short stints in the Worcester County House of Corrections.
But according to Brian Downes, he’s not actually a junkie:
Yea, he’s totally not using. Just robbing heroin dealers and running them over with his getaway driver. He was planning on throwing it all in Bell Pond right afterwards. For sure.
Anyway, if I was ever in this situation the last thing I would do is go on the Auburn Police’s Facebook page and start spewing all types of ratchtacular commentary. But Brian Downes, and his ride or die chick Gabbi Hebert, who is also currently wanted by the Auburn PD for being Brian’s getaway driver, took a different approach. This is Gabbi Hebert:
As you can see, she pretends to be in the army. And according to her she’s a junkie, but at least she’s never been arrested for prostitution before.
Except the Internet is forever.
But it wasn’t as bad as they make it sound:
Yup, she just happened to be hanging out with her friend and her mom who happened to be at the center of a prostitution sting. But she was just having a playdate with her friend and her prostitute mother in Main South. Happens all the time.
But the thing is, she actually gets arrested all the time, which is why she got the boot because she’s been arrested during drug and prostitution stings so many times.
But according to her, she’s still in the army:
But then five minutes later she wasn’t in the army anymore:
Yup, her story checks out.
Meanwhile, where’s her boo?
Oh snap!! Taunting the cops on their own Facebook page. That’s always a smart thing to do. Until someone points out that you’re with your ma dukes in Florida:
Because when I see a face like this:
The first thing I think is “Florida.”
Oh, and Lori “no snitching” Smith seems like a real gem too.
Of course she likes Fifty Shades. Except for every guy she’s even been with it’s fifty shades of darkness so as to avoid making eye contact with that lurchbeast.
But what about Gabbi? How can you just up and leave your chick like that? Because according to Gabbi she was gonna “ride or die forever” with her junkie plow:
Oopps!! Looks like “ride or die forever” really meant, “ride or die or run to my momma’s crib in Florida once I realized I can’t snitch myself out of this one.”
Not the first time this half eaten can of Manwich went MIA either.
And in case you can’t tell from those posts, Gabbi is totally NOT an insecure side piece who gets insanely jealous anytime anyone with a vagina posts on her prized pig’s Facebook page.
Yea, how dare you ask him what he’s up to these days!!
“We love it.” Except….you’re not in Florida. You’re in Dudley. Because he ditched you. But you don’t seem like a completely insane stalker chick or anything like that.
Oh, and when these ho’s don’t seem to be getting the message, just tell them that you’re not his girlfriend, you’re his “fiance,” and you’re pregnant with his baby:
Oh good!! More human life from these All-Star parents.
And when one of Brian’s chick friends brought up the fact that he seems to be spreading his seed to a stage five clinger, she busted out the victim card:
LOL. “Veteran.” You’re not allowed to call a junkie names because she did a few weeks in the reserves before getting arrested five million times. And if you don’t like that, you can literally eat her ass cunt:
But you’ll have to get in line first, because half the dealers in Worcester County already have negotiated understandings with her.
Anyway, I think we can all agree (or at least pray) that she’s not really pregnant. She’s just the psycho chick who pretends to be pregnant so them ho’s will leave her mans alone. Unfortunately for her it looks like he won’t be coming back home unless it’s in “a hail of gunfire.”
Gabbi also made the wise decision to defend her honor on the Auburn PD’s Facebook page:
LOL. Vulva. You bastard.
But yea, she totally wasn’t driving. The news just happened to have her silver Mercedes SUV caught on camera parked right next to the car the cops were looking for in the hit and run.
The same silver car Brian Downes jumped out of, before jumping into the Mercedes with his ride or die chick.
But she totally wasn’t there. She picked him up “hours later.”
Better watch out though, because she’s already starting to flirt with some locals.
“What’s mine is mine.” Yea, the only thing that’s your’s are the tread marks and that collection of pubes on your face that you refer to as a chinstrap.
Don’t fuck with him though:
He might get on a plane and settle this Internet beef in person. Oh wait, he can’t, because he’d rather go down in a hail of gunfire than be taken alive by the fuzz. My mistake.
Anyway, Gabbi girl is none too pleased about all these people saying mean things about her:
She even messaged Turtleboy, gave us the whole schpeel about being mean to her, played the pregnant veteran card, and even made up stories about going to the ER with her old man.
Sounds legit. Something tells me this isn’t the last time this ratchet brigade is gonna be appearing on Turtleboy Sports.
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