This Day In Turtleboy

Reblog: Meet Alexis Aslanian: The Webster Chick From The Water Street Fight Video Who Was Celebrating Her 19th Birthday Getting Served Underage And Wants Us To Take The Blog Down

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This is Turtleboy vacation week and we’ve given our bloggers a week off to enjoy themselves. We’ll be reblogging some of our greatest hits this week though to help you remember the golden times. 



Earlier today we published this story about two cheesehogs throwing fisticuffs on Water Street.

Two Worcester Cheeshogs Engage In Cat Fight To Decide Who Is The Ratchet Queen Of Water Street

It starts off with the blonde chick is arguing with the father of the brunette chick. The brunette chick gets the party started by punching her in the face. Then the blonde chick pulls the ultimate cheap, white trash move by grabbing the other chick’s hair, dragging her down, and punching her once she’s on the ground.  Plus, the blonde chick’s friend is holding the other girl in place while her hair is being grabbed, so she has no opportunity to fight back. This isn’t a fight. The brunette chick got jumped by some floozy who thinks she’s a hardo, but she’s really just a couple years away from working the dayshift at Sweaty Betty’s.

Then at the end she gave an extra touch of class by saying in the post fight interview, “I rocked your daughter’s shit – gang shit my n word.”

Classy broad right there. Just think, some lucky guy is gonna be paying her child support in a couple years if Planned Parenthood gets defunded.

We had no idea who this lovely woman was until she voluntarily decided to message us this afternoon:

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You have your family and nieces and nephews on Facebook, and you don’t want them to see it? Good thing you made a public spectacle and then voluntarily gave a post fight interview to a guy with a camera in front of your face. Who would ever think that Turtleboy would eventually see it?

Newsflash – if your life is ruined because of this then you deserve it. Stop blaming us for a problem you created. Because you’re not an adult, and you’ve decided to live your life as a gutter slug. Also, you’re killing my property value. When people see stuff like this it makes them not want to look for homes in Worcester. This lowers the resale value of my house. It’s videos like this that make people not want to come to Worcester to engage in commerce too. Businesses lose business because of this.

But wait, she wasn’t done making TONS of sense:

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Good. You should lose your job because of this. Normal people don’t get into hair-pulling fights on Water Street. This isn’t normal behavior. It’s ratchet ho-bag behavior. There’s no other way to put it. You obviously need to hit rock bottom so you can know what this feels like and maybe, just maybe, you’ll stop acting like dumpster cheddar.

And how bout her reasoning? Delete it from Facebook, but not Twitter. Because no one goes on Twitter. Your family lacks the ability of typing “” into their computer machines. Wicked smart. Keep in mind, this is a chick who’s been doing some humble bragging all over Twitter about what a badass she is today. She’s been been retweeting stuff about her new found Turtleboy fame:

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Because that’s a good thing apparently.

But wait – it gets better. Today is her birthday!!!

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Normally when you get put on blast on Turtleboy, it’s a pretty shitty birthday.

Not Alexis though. She’s been retweeting people calling her Floyd Mayweather:

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Which I guess makes sense, because Mayweather spent his entire career ducking real fighters, running and hiding from opponents in the ring, and getting in cheap shots whenever he could get away with it.

But just remember, she’s very concerned about her nieces finding out she’s been in a fight. Luckily none of them has ever heard of Twitter.

Oh, and guess what town she’s from.





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Where else but Webster? Because, it’s ALWAYS Webster!!!

And you’ll notice that she is a Holy Name graduate. Just so everyone is clear, there is no bigger joke of a school in Massachusetts than Holy Shame. It’s not a real high school. Sorry if you went there, and this upsets you, but it’s the truth and you need to hear it. It’s a money pit that masquerades as a catholic school, pretends to care about academics, recruits athletes, gives scholarships to anyone who can jump, and lets the kids walk all over the teachers there because if they discipline the kids then Mommy and Daddy will send their snowflakes to public school and take their money with them. Ask anyone who’s ever taught there. It’s out of control.

The only thing easier than the standards for admission at Holy Name, are the girls they produce. Anyone who grew up in Worcester knew EXACTLY where to go for chicks with loose morals. Chicks like this:

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People always say, “I could never send my kids to South or North or a Worcester Public School.” Why? Because there might be kids there who will look different than Turtleboy Jr? Because they might interact with kids who live in Main South? God forbid. Wouldn’t want TBJ to turn into a self-absorbed narcissistic hoodrat who takes non-stop selfies using the dog filter.

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What you should be saying is, “I could never send my kid to Holy Name.” Because let’s call it what it is – it’s a place where Worcester families can pay to keep their kids away from black and brown kids and not be called racist for doing so. You know it. Turtleboy knows it. Everyone knows it.

I hate having to give this disclaimer because it should be understood by anyone who’s not a fucking moron, but obviously this doesn’t mean EVERY chick who went to Holy Name is like this. But everyone who went there in the last 25 years knows there’s a large, undeniable element of truth to what we just wrote. Don’t take my word for it. Listen to Alexis herself:

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Speaking of Holy Name, guess when this barhopper graduated from there…..

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Yup. Class of 2016. Last night she was out celebrating her 19th birthday:

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But no worries. When you’re a good looking blonde chick who’s willing to give up your decency and self-respect, you can pretty much drink wherever you want.

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Just don’t get busted with your fake ID.

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And apparently going out and acting like a trashbag Websterite is her M.O. and something Alexis is quite proud of:

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And I guess I understand why she’s concerned about losing about losing her job. After all, she’s burned a lot of bridges already. It’s hard to keep a job at Hooter’s for more than a week.

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I mean, why give the people you’re serving customer service? They should tip you 40% because you have succulent jugs.

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Just don’t tell the fam. It’s a secret.

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Alexis currently is enrolled at Worcester State.

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But she should probably concentrate less on being the Canal District Ratchet Trap Queen of the Week, and more time staying awake in class so she can do better on her paper about the “condom critique”:

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Speaking of fake schools. Worcester State is well on the way too. Sorry if you went there, but the fact that chicks like this go there, and they employ convicted criminals like Professor Sonya Conner, is driving down the property value of your degree.

Here’s my question – why are bars in Worcester letting this chick drink there when she’s not even remotely close to being 21? See, this shit pisses me off. This chick is obviously a junior smokeshow extraordinaire. No one can deny that. But chicks like her think they can get away with pretty much anything because of that. And why wouldn’t they? She knows she can get into any bar in Worcester and she doesn’t even try to hide it. Just today she retweeted this video of herself behind the bar, double fisting Coronas:

Just in case her friend sees this and deletes it we’ve also uploaded it to Youtube:

Anyone know what bar that is? Because they should immediately lose their liquor license. They know damn well this chick is not 21. They let her in because they know that the more hot chicks in the bar, the more horny dudes are gonna come, and the more money they’re gonna make. That’s why they not only let her in, they let her dance behind the bar.

Side note – when we told people we had this video someone said, “you should contact the bar and tell them you’ll keep it down if they advertise with you.” LOL. Sorry bro, not the way we do business. First of all, we don’t do blackmail. We do hot takes. Secondly, I hope it’s some bar that wastes their money advertising in convicted criminal Paul Giorgio’s Pulse Magazine, which no one reads. The fact that anyone would attach their brand to that pervert, knowing full well that he’s been accused of statutory rape on a 16 year old boy, is sad and pathetic. Because Turtleboy is the controversial place to advertise, but you can sign on with a pervert who’s been convicted of voter fraud and it’s all good. Makes sense.

Funny seeing her on Water Street though. After all, this is where Mambo Drink is located. And their bar manager Jonathan Pena just turned 21 this week, but it hasn’t stopped him from flaunting himself getting mad crunk there for last few years:

Facebook Pictures Show 20 Year Old Mambo Drinks Promoter Getting Wasted In The Club

And guess who Jonathan Pena just so happens to be good friends with:

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Of course.

Then there’s this video which one of her friends posted on her Twitter today.

Which shows her tossing back some suds at whatever bar this is:

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And doing some kind of extra curricular activities in the bathroom on formal night:

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Good thing these geniuses document their entire lives on the Internet. Because breaking the rules makes you soooo fucking cool. You just have to show the world to let them know what a rebel you are. How original.

Anyway, this is what we like to call the Kardashian factor. The Kardashians have made it cool for American girls to wanna grow up to be a hot pass-around gutterslug. Kim Kardashian has more Twitter followers than Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton COMBINED!! That’s how much influence she has solely for being a sausage jocky that takes pictures of herself doing the duckface. It’s sad and pathetic, and represents everything that is wrong with American society.

The bottom line for chicks like Alexis is, you can be hot and still have self-respect. Lots of women do this. They go on, marry normal guys, have normal kids, and live respectable lives. You don’t have to try to impress everyone by getting in fights, getting blackout drunk, and making out with other chicks. Don’t get me wrong, as guys, we like to see that. But none of us has any respect for you, and we certainly wouldn’t even consider bringing you home to Mom.


16 Comment(s)
  • chica chica bow wow
    August 18, 2018 at 9:12 am

    If I were the type to use escorts I would pay good money for a girl friend “experience” with this stunning woman. I would pay even more if she brought a friend or two and spent the night!
    8====O) – – – – – – – – – – – U U
    ) (
    ( l )

  • Bartender
    August 17, 2018 at 2:02 pm

    The bartender and the bouncer spit roast her at the la Quinta after closing time. That’s how she gets into he bars. She probably does adderall or meth too. I bet she is studying to become a CNA.

  • vic1
    August 17, 2018 at 12:12 pm

    IS there anyway TB can do a follow-up on this gem on what she has been up to and post more pics please?

    • Carlos Danger
      August 17, 2018 at 5:58 pm

      Hypothetically if somebody wanted to know her instagram, twitter, home address, telephone number, wins, videos and chaturbate link. How would they go about getting that information, asking for a friend.

  • Pervin Ervin
    August 17, 2018 at 10:46 am

    She’s undeniably hot. Under the right ‘mentoring” a prize for sure…

  • vicxh
    August 16, 2018 at 11:17 pm

    Yummy yummy skank. True TB gem. How come she was not in the best of TB last year?

  • Hell Yes
    August 16, 2018 at 7:49 pm

    Check out this vid (meth babes of the internet) on pornhub or meth heads and tweakers of the internet. Every woman who uses drugs is available, probably this chick also bc Webstuh….

  • Old fuck
    August 16, 2018 at 6:37 pm

    Quite possibly the hottest bitch ever featured on tbs. Hopefully she has daddy issues and loves bouncing on 40 year old cock

  • You’re getting lazy
    August 16, 2018 at 5:39 pm

    What’s with all the reblogs?

    • Idiot
      August 16, 2018 at 6:34 pm

      Can you not read?

    • Reading... wuhhh
      August 16, 2018 at 7:41 pm

      Aint nobody got time for dat!

      • Phillip Morris
        August 16, 2018 at 8:00 pm

        Sing it

  • TBS hottest skanks
    August 16, 2018 at 4:49 pm

    I would guess she was 30 not 19, too much makeup, McLuvin them tits. So many hot women are into crime and drugs…. why? Excuse me while I go and masturbate, fapalicious!

  • DJT
    August 16, 2018 at 4:10 pm

    A legitimate 10!

  • Captain Trips
    Captain Trips
    August 16, 2018 at 3:48 pm

    Tell her you’ll take it down if she shines a few sausages

    • Alev
      August 16, 2018 at 4:00 pm

      Don’t even have to offer that, just buy her a few drinks and lie about how wonderful she is. Aslanian, Kardashian, I’m catching a vibe there

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