So last week I discovered Ryan “Rizzy” Runyan and his merry crew of Percocet goblins, when they put together this legendary video of themselves rapping at a local elementary school in Billerica.
Then Rizzy came on the live show to confront me, Uncle Turtleboy, and Bret, and vowed to slap us all if we disrespect his girl again. (he comes on at the 10 minute mark)
Excuse me, his “fiance” that he started bumpin uglies with a few weeks ago.
I have to even give these boobz attention, but they’re just too entertaining and sometimes turtle riders just need a good laugh. So with that I present to you an even more legendary Rizzy video entitled “Weekend I’m High,” in which Rizzy gets kidnapped and tossed in a rape van by a bunch of goons who turn out to be his friends from GED class, and then brought to a one bedroom motel where him and the day shift chicks from Macs 2 Lounge eat a bunch of zanny bars and talk about how high they are.
If you get material for your rap video from Old School, then you’re destined for success.
That moment you realize that instead of being anally probed by a bunch of terrorists you’re gonna be pounding down leftovers from your parent’s medicine cabinet and swapping chlamydia with women covered in tattoos of the names of the last 5 guys who took her to tuna torpedo town.
And don’t forget to bring your flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hats so the hep-c hefalumps know that you’re there to bring them to poundtown.
I know Rizzy’s got his by his side.
The hat. It never fails.
Oh, and no rap video would be complete without random jumps to Rizzy outside of the rape van walking the world’s saddest dog, who wishes more than anything that he didn’t have to be used as a prop in cringeworthy rap videos.
If these aren’t the words of a lyrical genius, I don’t know what is:
“She call me Daddy, I love it
I pop an addy that fatty is bustin
She screaming at my im cummin
and then I go down there and tongue it
and hit it again like its nothing
i told you to leave
go catch you an uber or something
but she wanna stay
so i say baby ok just roll one up and lets get blunted”
Ya know who else calls you Daddy? The crotch fruit you don’t have custody of because you’re too busy pursuing a rap career on YouTube. Just be clear, this is the “fatty I’m bustin.”
Or was it this one?
This is what “livin my best life” looks like in Billerica.
Let this be a lesson to all you kids out there – this is what happens when you don’t give up the dream of becoming a rapper. You end up shooting poorly done videos in a cheap motel room because the 12 of you together couldn’t scrap enough cash together to get the room with two beds.
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