Billerica is where people from Lowell move when they wanna feel like they’ve made it in life. Hence it’s become a destination for aspiring rappers like this gentleman right here:
He goes by Rizzy, and he’s about to blow up with the hottest video he dropped this week on Youtube entitled, “Get it on my own.” Enjoy…..
That song just gave me ass cancer.
When you can’t bring in professional big booty hoes you gotta improvise and call up the girls who just worked the brunch buffet at Mac’s 2 Lounge.
You know you’ve made it in life when you’re producing rap videos from an elementary school parking lot in Pinehurst while a bunch of people look out their kitchen windows and ask, “Who are those magnificent wiggers and why are they making so much noise?”
His rap name is Rizzy, but his mother named her crotch fruit Ryan Runyan. You maybe remember him from such hits as “assault and battery with a dangerous weapon”
— Ryan Runyan, 23, 44 Connolly Road, Billerica; assault and battery with a dangerous weapon.
“I sell cheap weed,” and “Of course I have outstanding warrants officer.”
But he ain’t about that life anymore. Now he’s headed to fame and fortune and he’s bringing shorty with him.
And as he stated in the song,
“I got a shorty now, and she down to catch a case”
Looks like ghetto Ellen Page is also down to catch a tall glass of Hep-C too.
Pro tip for Bubba Fartz – if you’re going to include this in your lyrics:
Im a bad boy now with this pistol in my waist.
Try to make sure you have an actual gun in the place where you point.
Or at least a super soaker or something. Definitely hurting your cred in the mean streets of Wilmington dog.
He’s obviously destined for success as you can see from the crew he brought with him for the hit video.
Legends like Pubestache Pauly.
The guy who’s allowed to say the n word because he covered his face with tattooes.
And Fanny Pack Felicia.
Who woke up the day of the big shoot and said to herself, “Don’t forget your coffee tumbler.”
You can’t shoot a rap video from a school parking lot without pounding down coffee from your tumbler, preferably while wearing a FILA fanny pack.
No Billerica rap video would be complete without a tatted up Billerica 5 and a half getting that honey mustard dressing delivered to her on top of a rental car.
And I’m pretty sure this was the moment they decided to experiment with door #2.
Just the tip, just for a minute, just to see how it feels. At least their vaj goblins will be able to watch where they were conceived on YouTube.
Also, don’t forget your Bud Lights.
Because nothing says, “I’m an OG” quite like an open container of Bud Light in an elementary school parking lot.
The lyrics were really thought provoking too….
“Why I never got a deal and I’m almost 30?”
Perhaps it’s because you’re terrible? Something about a grown using autotune while rapping on the hood of a car makes it seem unlikely that you’d lack a record deal at this point. Nevertheless he seems to be living under the illusion that he’s a rap star.
I’m on the road doing tours and they pay me for it.
I’d take you to my show but it’s sold out.
Yea, generally if you’re on the road doing tours, you get paid for it. But the only road you’re on is Route 3 when you’re going to sell dime bags of shwagg to 17 year olds. And it’s hard to sell out a show that doesn’t exist yet. I didn’t realize they were selling tickets to the public school playground at 2 PM on a Saturday.
He’s pretty convinced that if enough of you vote for him he’s about to get that $15,000 from World Star though.
And he got an auto message reply from their Facebook page, urging him to give money to a “producer,” who will give him a discount if he enters the right promo code, so he’s about to finally catch his break.
“I fuck with it.”
The only thing you fuck with is property value son.
Whenever I see a video like this I laugh because I assume it’s comedy. Then I remember that there are no shortage of people out there who truly, genuinely believe they’re on the path to become rich and famous rappers. You read the comments….
and you realize that this is not satire for them. This is life.
Anyway, safe to say that after I publish this blog they’re going to get more views then they’ve had so far. They’ll blame us for being haters like they always do, but at the end of the day we gave them something they’d never get on their own – publicity. And for that I think we deserve to have at least one of them come on the Live show this weekend to talk about it. Hit us up on Facebook at TBNews dawg!
Please consider supporting local journalism by donating to the Turtle fund:
Hello Turtle Riders. As you know if you follow Turtleboy we are constantly getting censored and banned by Facebook for what are clearly not violations of their terms of service. Twitter has done the same, and trolls mass reported our blog to Google AdSense thousands of times, leading to demonitization. We can get by and survive, but we could really use your help. Please consider donating by hitting the PayPal button above if you’d like support free speech and what we do in the face of Silicon Valley censorship. Or just buy our award winning book about the dangers of censorship and rise of Turtleboy: