All-Star Criminals

Salem MA Can Sleep Soundly Knowing Bush Baron Won’t Be Snatching Their Rhododendrons, Plant Thief Got Schooled By The System

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So there’s this guy who was dubbed the “Brazen Botanist” (yes, seriously) because he was stealing plants from people’s houses in Salem,MA  right in front of their Ring doorbell systems like a friggin’ moron:

Obviously he plead guilty because there’s no way that’s not his face. In the world of ballsy criminals, he stands to gain the trophies for both World’s Dumbest and World’s Pettiest. Who steals plants you can’t get high from!? What was his train of thought? “My. Gawd. Those azaleas. They never come in that lush for me…”? At least cover your face, fuckwad. Really!? THIS is what you get to do a year bid in prison for? Non-hallucinogenic plant theft.

This Sherlock Of Shrubbery has a real name and its Joseph Gardner…and he’s a landscaper. I guess that makes sense considering dude is going to do  a year in prison for stealing plants you can’t smoke.

But, like, a whole damn year in prison? Can we talk about that for a minute? This shit is some mild haberdashery at best, juvenile vandalism type stuff. I guess the prior record which includes larceny charges must play a role in this somehow. I mean, it has to. Massachusetts will let the worst of the worst of for so much worse than this, but this guy gets a year for stealing plants. OK…

Let’s break down this real quick. In these stills , you see him scoping the place out like a ninja of nature:

For reference, here’s what a Ring doorbell looks like:

I can’t imagine that would be hard to miss when you’re that close…But I guess a habit like this one makes you do some really stupid stuff. Dude comes up the stairs next, having already pilfered a plant:

That’s as clear a picture you’re going to get here and I love how it truly captures the sweaty nature of Mr. Gardner. It’s like he’s been hiding lying low all night, eyeing these hanging beauties and waiting for these motherfuckers to pass out already presumably while touching himself. He looks so desperate…

And then yoink…




And almost yoink.

He looks to the left for longer than he stands still in the video at any given time, like he’s really considering whether or not he can grab that last one there. Sadly, his loves are cumbersome and he can’t take that bitch, too.

I think the best part of this is that somehow this dude has a girlfriend, and the fact that she’s awful at covering shit up for him. This is not ride or die material, right here:

Salem News: “When they went to his last known address, in Peabody, they met his on-again, off-again girlfriend, who let officers look around.

They didn’t find Gardner. But they did find two of the three missing plants, one of them in the bathtub. The girlfriend at first told officers she’d just purchased it. But when police pointed out that it looked an awful lot like the one in the video, she admitted that Gardner had recently given her that plant and another one, which she pointed out on the back porch.”

I have questions. First, who keeps plants in their bathtub? Is this a thing? Was she attempting to hide it? Was she watering it when the cops came in? Does girl not own one of those sink hose things? Because I would rather die than live like that again. Someone, if you know Joe’s girlfriend please ask her to message me because I don’t think I’ll be sleeping tonight unless I find this shit out.

So, you’re telling me that Mr. Gardner gave these plants as gifts to his girl…Look, I know that men’s nearly most hated thing ever is having to shop for their women, but this isn’t a solution to the problem. Now he’s gonna be known as the guy who ended up in prison for ganking plants. Someone put extra, extra grape jelly on his commissary. He ain’t gonna make it out of there without tossing salads. I’m sorry, he’s not. Dude got nabbed for stealing plants.

The moral of the story here is that if you continually fuck up like Joseph Gardner, eventually you’re going to get caught and put away for longer than a week. Of course, the thing you end up doing the longest sentence for will ultimately be the dumbest shit you’ve ever done. I feel like that would be a great deterrence tool. Instead of charging petty criminals like this individually for their shit, just find the most ridiculous, most asinine, and embarrassing thing in their record you can find and slap a year or two on it. That way, no one on the inside gets any cred for the shitty things they’ve done and have to walk around for however long they’re there looking like the fools they are.

I wonder what nickname he’ll acquire in prison?

Garden Gnome? Flower? Fucking Dumbass? The possibilities are endless.




2 Comment(s)
  • Wendy Sholds
    October 20, 2018 at 3:15 pm

    My mother would water house plants in the tub especially large hanging plants. Outdoor azaleas? Nah, not so much. 

    October 19, 2018 at 4:49 pm

    If he was an illegal alien parasite, he wouldn’t be doing a year in the can..guaranteed

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