All-Star Criminals

Salisbury Chowder Pump Sexually Harasses Woman For Months With Offers Of Schlong Jelly Churning Videos, Turns Out He’s Been Arrested For Attempted Murder Of Ex-Girlfriend

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Spring is turning to summer and that means one thing, folks! It’s ratchet mating season. Barber shops, street corners and liquor stores are all a-buzz with wangstahs who just wanna get all up in that inbox, girl. Which is exactly what Christopher Joesph Mura of Salisbury, MA was up to when he messaged a lovely random young lady he barely knew in passing.

It’s a damn shame to be a young, stunningly gorgeous, single chick on Facebook sometimes. You get the random come on messages, virtual drive by cat calls, and sometimes this:

My. Word.

I’m not saying he’s the worst thing you can find on the Internet, I’m just saying that’s about as bad as you’re gonna get before Chris Hansen shows up. Imagine my surprise when he didn’t have any Chicago Bulls gear. I’m pretty sure he’s throwing a shocker with his left hand in that last picture, not intentionally but simply out of habit because he’s one of those guys. And obviously he works at a barber shop.

What I’m about to show you is extraordinarily graphic in how sad and desperate it is. You may want to launch your entire family into outer space before we continue. The loser is strong in this one.

As you can see, this went on for quite some time. The lady in this case never, ever responded. Nevertheless he persisted. I’m trying to figure out a good way to censor the last message because it is literally the most hysterical thing I’ve seen all day and is absolutely necessary to educate others on how to handle a situation such as this. Ready? Here goes…

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!

This woman just charged you for wasting her time, how bou’ dat!?

Again, for billionth time, has this ever worked!? Has any marriage story ever begun with “And so he kept messaging me for months and months with really desperately gross stuff. He finally sent me a photo of hardcore pornography and we lived happily ever after! That’s also why we have those matching ‘WYD’ tattoos.” These are words no one has ever spoken in the history of ever. No chick wants this and yet it seems a surprising number of men are into this. For the love of Job, even I got a message from some random guy who’s a friend of a distant friend when I signed on yesterday! I’m old, obviously married, my profile picture is of me being old with my husband, but still…

I was far more polite than I’ve been to a creepster meat puppet in my entire life hoping that maybe that would get him to fuck off in a different direction and still had to block him. Well, our victim in this case was smart as hell and decided to publicly mock him and the hilarious commentary ensued.

Yup, she tagged his ass in this mess! His reaction when he realize he was exposed and tagged in it? He just untagged himself and unfriended the victim. That’s it. He went through all the trouble of desperately attempting to get Big Dickus and the twins a frolic in her periwinkle pink canoe in the most spectacularly wrong way I personally know of and just walked away without saying his piece. You know what that says? That says he does this often and to many. The commentary got pretty great after a while, especially when they brought mommas into it.

While perusing the fun and games of this, something caught my eye…

Right you are, Emily, confirmed! So I went searching the internet to see what this guy’s deal was. Lo and behold, homeboy has a curio cabinet filled with Google trophies for all sorts of grimy, terrible shit. Here’s what The Eagle Tribune had to say about his first high school romance.

Chris only had so much time to beat and threaten woman he claimed to love, his real passion was burglary.

As time went on, Chris began to mature and kicking the crap out of ladies no longer got his jollies off like it used to. Drunk driving and endangering the lives of others soon followed.

I have to say that I’m stoked that I finally set up my desktop computer as now I can use Gifs to express just what I’m thinking. Aaaand I’m thinkin’ when Christopher throws a hissy fit, he has to look like this:

I see no difference.

Yep. Add a scruffy pube “beard” and some jelly rolls and that’s gotta be a spitting image. This guy is honestly one of the biggest bitches I’ve ever seen in my life. You know who beats on people they deem weaker than them? You know who doesn’t care about morality and will straight up jack your belongings? You know who drives while all banged up and doesn’t give a single fuck if he kills someone? You know who harasses a woman for months trying to into her cloven tuft when she shows absolutely zero interest him at all? A gigantic pussy. Christopher Joseph Mura is nothing but a sissy pumpkin toed bitch, and he knows it.

Welp, Mr. Christopher Joseph Mura you finally got the attention from a woman which you so desperately desire, unfortunately for you that woman was me and I’m a complete bitch who works for Turtleboy Sports. And no, I have no interest in seeing your shriveled purple headed womb ferret either. You sir, need to keep your throbbing flesh wand to ya damn self and if this doesn’t show you that the Internet is heavier than bad karma and also forever, I have no idea what will.

No dick pics, please.

[email protected] or on Twitter @MTurtlette

10 Comment(s)
  • mimi78
    June 13, 2018 at 12:37 pm

    This guy keeps messaging my daughter trying to get her to talk to him. He obviously don’t like to take hints. My daughter has been very blunt with him, I told her to send him a screen shot of his sleazy ass and maybe he will give up.  

    • Manchester Turtlette
      June 13, 2018 at 12:40 pm

      Oh no! Maybe you and your daughter can give me a shout at [email protected] and we’ll see what we can do?

      • mimi78
        June 14, 2018 at 6:26 pm

        Thankfully she asked him weren’t you on Turtleboy? He never responded. 

        • Manchester Turtlette
          June 14, 2018 at 10:48 pm

          Bwahaha! Fantastic!

  • Robert Guiscard
    June 12, 2018 at 10:18 am

    I’m still trying to figure out how you can live @ 15 How Street…did he set up a tent in the Haverhill Beef parking lot?

  • British TG
    June 12, 2018 at 2:39 am

    Haha! Brilliant. I love how you have literally no shits to give.

    No Chris, we are not going to swoon over your swollen member. It’s just going to look like the last sausage in the shop, like they all do.

    • Manchester Turtlette
      June 13, 2018 at 1:31 pm

      Yes, sadly I ran out of shits to give a long time ago. If someone drops one, I might pick it up but I doubt it.

  • RickSalamander
    June 11, 2018 at 10:09 pm

    This gumball’s LinkedIn page says he’s a Personal Care Attendant. At first I was like, oh fuck, some old lady is probably getting the Gouda shower on a daily basis. But the closer look shows he only has one client, his grandpops! Since 2012, he’s done nothing other than scrub papa’s nuts and ass, no other listed job. Wow, I have heard of felony blow back, but there’s got to be other opps than intergenerational wad trading on the Haverhill Exchange? Do not worry though, because according to him, he’s benefiting from this experience, qoute, “This has been and is still currently teaching me quality and life long morals from dealing with an aging and failing family member.” Maybe he is gaining this for his own “aging and failing member?” LOL

    • British TG
      June 12, 2018 at 7:58 am

      His occupation seems very fitting

    • Manchester Turtlette
      June 13, 2018 at 12:48 pm

      I saw that and didn’t think it was him! News flash: sitting pawpaw in front of the TV while you beat off to women you’ve never met doesn’t make you a PCA.

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