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You know, ordinarily I wouldn’t have a huge issue with an early 20-something chick with a bad dye job and perfected duckface wanting to spend her birthday blowing lines and acting self important. In fact, I kind of expect it since Salisbury usually spits out broads that tan too much, wear mini-dresses from Wet Seal and pride themselves on underage drinking until they puke over the railing of The Upper Deck.

Exhibit A: Brianna Moured

Brianna is everything I hoped she would be when I read her arrest article this morning and so, so much more. In fact, she’s so stereotypically ratchet that it almost felt wrong ragging on her… Almost.

See, when Brianna decided to go cruising around with her boy Kenny, blowing lines and having a grand old time, she had her 3 year old son in the back seat.

You know what kinds of moms have their kids in the car with drugs? The fucking worst kind. From the looks of her Facebook page Brit-Brit has plenty of friends and family that could have watched her child for her but.. nah. So since her birthday celebration got cut short by having to sit in a jail cell, we’ll go ahead and give her the spotlight here.

1st up: Standard ratchet-ass FB “quotes” dropping N*bombs and referring to guys and gals as bitches and dogs. I know we’ve gone over this before but just to refresh, if you use any of this terminology, write or post pictures of this nonsense you sound like a mentally defective dingdong who’s mother drank when you were in-utero. Stop it.

Then you have this gem. There’s really nothing better than B.F.F. dog filters and free mi boiiiii quality time while loafing around on the couch like a couple of sloths. Something tells me she isn’t dropping any racial slurs in this picture though or maybe she got the black eye after the flash went of.

Then you get into Briannas vast, intellectual understanding of life and personal growth that is best expressed by improper grammar and emojis.

I’m just gonna leave that one alone for now..

Check out her Harvard-educated besties discussing the various logistics of having your kids taken away from you. It was a really, really long thread so I had to cut it down. (no kids=plenty of online leisure time for these mamas).

Let me translate that for you readers because speaking idiot can be tricky. APPARENTLY if your kids don’t live with you, you can’t be trusted EXCEPT when your kids get taken away from you for not being neglected in any way, shape or form because that’s standard procedure.. I have just now learned that DCF can swoop in and snatch your kids up without a written explanation or evaluation. Poof! They’re throwing on their Air Jordans and flying out the window with a DCF worker like a section 8 version of Peter Pan. Brianna sets her girl straight by telling her what’s up though so I kind of appreciate that.

Boom! It’s the daily double. Bulls hat? Check. Best friend that Brianna is always super excited to go see in prison? Check. Her hat-headed wingman, Vanilla Slamma is in a ton of her pictures but looks similar to another friend of hers so I have a hard time keeping track of them. Either that or I’ve only gotten halfway through a post and am experiencing the onset of a stroke from looking at this shit.

This kid “Fish” cracked me up.

It’s lit fam.

So here’s the rundown. Brianna and this dude Kenny Langmaid were out driving around with her 3 year old when another motorist saw Brianna (the driver) blowing lines while traveling from 495 onto River Street in Haverhill. Smart. That person called 9-1-1 and sent a cop to the McDonalds to check it out. When the cops got there they questioned Langmaid while Brianna was inside using the bathroom with her kid. When she came out and was questioned by police she denied using any coke whatsoever….

And then got a nosebleed. Bye Felicia!

The cops took her kid to be placed with DCF and both of them were arrested.

Happy Birthday!

So here’s Kenny:

Kenny is the type of guy who wears Tap-out t-shirts and prides himself on never being a snitch. In fact he’s such a strong supporter of the Snitches Get Stiches movement that he got this absolutely MINT, totally not infected tattoo to show everyone that he’s a trustworthy hardo.

Kenny has been around for a while.

Oh, and that 2005 stabbing that landed him a 4-5 year sentence and 3 counts of assault and battery…

BURN..

What did we learn today? Drugs are bad and selfies with your ass hanging out are unnecessary. Don’t drop N*Bombs. If you lose custody of your kid there’s probably a reason why and that makes you a shit parent. Don’t stab people. Stop using those dog filters because you look like a moron. Wads of crusty-ass $20 bills don’t make you look baller, it just makes it look like you stuff your dollar bills into your pockets without using a wallet like a Neanderthal. Bad tattoos and sunburns aren’t cute and….

TAKE CARE OF YOUR FUCKING KID.

I know for a fact I’m going to get so many comments with the go-to “don’t judge. You don’t know them. He/She’s a good person. Everyone makes mistakes.” bulllshit claptrap that I’m so sick of hearing from people who don’t want to accept responsibility for themselves. Even if she didn’t drive around huffing nose candy she’s still held to the standard of knowing the character of the company she keeps. That means not hanging out with ex-felons with coke on them. Don’t spend time with people who do drugs and go to jail. Maybe read a book. Buy a potted plant. Fix your eyebrows. Get a clue.

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