Hoodrat Heroes

Salisbury Sea Cow Reemerges To Defend Latest Yogurt Slinger Who Stabbed 2 Guys At A Haverhill Bar, Chick Who Sent Us The Story Turns Out To Be Friends With Him Too

The Salisbury sea cow is back, and acting more ratchet than ever.

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Eagle TribuneA local man is under arrest for the stabbing of two men outside a downtown bar early Sunday. Hayden Delafuente, 21, of 491 Washington St., was arrested by Haverhill police and charged with two counts of armed assault with intent to murder and two counts of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon. Delafuente is being held on $50,000 bail and is expected to be arraigned in Newburyport District Court on Tuesday, according to the Essex District Attorney’s Office. 

Haverhill Police said officers were called to the area of the Barking Dog Ale House, 77 Washington St., at 12:30 a.m. for a report of a disturbance, and arrived to find two men who had been stabbed following an altercation. The victims, a 28-year-old Lawrence man and a 30-year-old Salem, New Hampshire man, were taken to Lawrence General Hospital via ambulance. The Lawrence man was then flown to a Boston hospital, where he remains in critical condition. The older victim’s injuries are not believed to be life threatening.

Look at this God forsaken sack of foreskin:

Meet Hayden Delafuente, the biggest waste of space who has ever lived. Our latest flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hat wearing chudstuffer.

A guy who proudly graduated from GED:

A guy who pretends to be a loving father because he shared a couple pictures on Facebook:

A guy who whines about having to travel 15 miles for yet another appearance in court, because obviously he doesn’t have a car.

A guy who constantly posts about the need to free his boi:

A guy who thinks he’s a hardo because he can make shapes out of his fingers.

A guy who makes up every monring and asks himself, “How can I possibly be a bigger dooshcanose today?”

A guy who dresses like he’s trying out for the remake of Back To The Future.

A guy who tries to grow a goatee that ends up looking like Bigfoot blew a load on his face.

A guy who just the other day did a Facebook Live announcement to let everyone know that he was in fact drinking the nectar of the ratchets – Henny:

Plenty of his homies have gone all free my boi:

And does this name ring a bell?

How bout now?



Oh look, it’s the Salisbury Sea Cow!! Brianna is the same chick who decided to go cruising around with her boy Kenny, blowing lines and having a grand old time, she had her 3 year old son in the back seat. The same chick who whines about being a “good girl”:


The same chick who judges other “deadbeat moms” despite the fact that she was arrested for blowing coke in front of her 3 year old:


The same chick who only hangs out with scissoring Sally’s who wear flat brimmed Chicago Bulls hats:


The same chick who couldn’t wait until her “law abiding” friend got out of jail:


She’s apparently moved on from Kenny:



Because I guess Kenny just wasn’t enough of a hoodrat. But she has managed to find another winner who of course found his way onto Turtleboy Sports. Pro tip – if you’re constantly allowing guys who end up on Turtleboy to jam their ramrods down your potato canon, you might wanna reconsider your taste in chudstuffers. Just sayin.

Oh, and this chick literally just started dating this winner:

Three weeks. That’s all it took for the Salisbury Sea Cow to let her stabbing boyfriend know that it’s “me and you baby till the world ends.”

The funniest part about this story is how we found about it from this chick:

So Meganne wanted us to roast the Salisbury Sea Cow. Fair enough. There was just one problem though- Meganne and Hayden are apparently some sort of BFF’s, and he posts pictures on her page and they kind of flirt back and forth:

So we messaged Meganne back and asked her what was up with that. She claims it was BEFORE she knew he was a scumbag:

So two weeks ago when she was reminiscing with him about the good times, she thought he was a great guy. Apparently the warning signs were not there:

Newsflash – anyone who ever poses for pictures using a pair of Jordan’s as a phone might as well be renamed Deputy Dickbag. Oh, and she can claim she didn’t know what he was all about, but the Internet says otherwise:

Yup, he’s a drug dealer too. Shocking.

So basically Meganne is friends with Hayden, she obviously doesn’t like this new chick (perhaps because she’s trapped in the friend zone and wants some of that dirty dick), and she tried to get us to roast the Salisbury Sea Cow. No problem, but you’re hardly better than her hun. Just sayin.



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11 Comment(s)
  • Slut stuffer
    May 30, 2017 at 9:10 pm

    Seacows and chicks named meganne are why single guys get vasectomies.

  • Your a giant douche too turtleboy
    May 30, 2017 at 3:25 pm

    This isn’t even journalism, go find a real story. Sad excuse for a writer.

    • Alex C
      May 30, 2017 at 3:40 pm

      I think the seesaw is tipping quickly now — pretty soon this blog will be more pathetic than the people it’s poking fun at. Can’t wait to see the next “article.” I’m guessing: facebook screenshots.

  • Chris
    May 30, 2017 at 2:36 pm

    I have this image of Turtleboy hunched at his keyboard for hours, trolling through people’s facebook posts, looking for vulnerable people he can abuse on his blog. He steals a moment to open a mortgage statement and grimaces. He mops his brow with the back of a dorito-stained hand. Finally he finds a victim, completes his posting and jams in some text:


    Remember when this blog wasn’t just a bunch of cringy posts about the mentally ill, and Turtleboy claimed he covered the news faster than the T&G? (You did beat the T&G to this breaking headline, for certain.)

    • Richie Rich
      May 30, 2017 at 3:06 pm

      nah son. He’s just exposing pieces of shit like you.

      • Alex C
        May 30, 2017 at 3:38 pm

        Uh oh Chris! That means there’s going to be a MEAN weblog post about you. You’re going to be EXPOSED.

        The headline will be scathing. Misspelled and scathing.

    May 30, 2017 at 2:36 pm

    Your acting like this is new…. My area has always been having this shit happen… I get what your doing turtleboy sports, but goddamn are you trying to ruin peoples lives? Were you raised in a poor or ghetto envioronment in Essex county?? If your answer is no, then you really shouldn’t be messing with peoples lives because what comes around goes around… These are real gangbanging families and people die over way less.. Maybe you should look in to real stuff like the corruption of our police and state.. Leave the kids alone, it might be fun for you and your homies but its not a game in the street.. Just some advice from a man born and raised in Essex county…

    • jonpeters
      May 30, 2017 at 3:04 pm

      bahahahaha are u serious? bahahahaha

    • Jeers
      June 2, 2017 at 5:19 pm

      Just saying I grew up in Haverhill and compared to most cities it’s not at all “poor” or “ghetto”. It’s a tiny little town and no one in Haverhill is a hard gang banger they are fucking wanna be’s dude. I’m saying this after a buddy of mine got stabbed to death there. After my car got broken into three times, and after the police crashed into ME and tried to intimidate me into not reporting it. Fuck that it’s a pussy town dude. It’s a game in the street. Any little bitch boy can stab someone or pull a trigger.

  • Mystressovmayhem
    May 30, 2017 at 12:34 pm

    Soooo essentially we have a love triangle made in rachetopia. Pissa! And somewhere in this mess is an innocent little boy, who will learn from what he sees and become just like them. Oh and the cool whip spitter is a drug dealer? Who would’ve guessed? Well this solves the mystery of where she got the coke she snorted in front of her Son! It also tells me how she could be with this in first place! She had to be high! They both are garbage, and so is the attempted home wrecker!

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