All-Star Criminals

Sleep Joe’s Story About Threatening To Choke Local Gangsta Corn Pop With A Chain For Not Wearing A Swimming Cap In The Pool Is The Greatest Abe Simpson Old Man Rant Of All Time

 

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A 2017 clip of Joe Biden speaking to a bunch of black kids at a pool in Wilmington was unearthed over the weekend, and it’s honestly the funniest video I’ve ever seen. Watched it last night several times and then more times today. Every time I watch it it gets funnier. Basically it’s Biden going full Abe Simpson, telling these kids a story they clearly have little interest in because they just wanna do belly flops, making references to pop culture icons from 1962 that kids have no fucking clue who they are, and telling them about this one time he crossed Corn Pop – the most gangsta dude in Delaware, and lived to tell the story. If you haven’t heard it yet, just watch these two glorious minutes with me while I react to Joe’s amazing story.

I don’t even care if this is real, it’s still the greatest story of all time. Just to review:

  • Joe Biden was the lone white lifeguard at a black pool because he got a job where he wanted to “learn” about the African American community
  • Legendary Wilmington gangsta Corn Pop, a “bad dude who ran a bunch of bad boys,” showed up and clearly had no intention of follow pool safety rules
  • One of the rules was that people who wore pomade in there had to wear bathing caps, but since Corn Pop ran out of fucks to give in 1958 he chose not to
  • Joe told Corn Pop to get off the diving board or he’d drag him off, presumably because Joe didn’t know how dangerous Corn Pop was at the time, but also called him the most offensive thing you could call a black man in Delaware in 1962 – “Esther.” And of course the kids watching that were supposed to understand the reference to legendary swimmer and actress Esther Williams
  • Since everyone knew that Corn Pop don’t play Corn Pop told Sleepy Joe to meet him outside, but Corn Pop brought three friends with him
  • Joe rambled on about Bill Wright, the only other white guy at the pool, who appears to be a mechanic or the guy who checks the chlorine levels
  • Bill Wright took the chain, which of course was stretched across the pool, cut off a portion of it, gave it to Joe Biden and told him to hit Corn Pop or choke him with it if Corn Pop fucked with him

  • Joe said that Corn Pop’s friends all came equipped with razors to stab him with, and that “back in those days” people like Corn Pop took razors and soaked them in the rain so that they’d be extra rusty before they sliced you
  • Joe Biden, being a man of diplomacy but also toughness, told Corn Pop that he wasn’t allowed on the diving board without a swimming cap on, but manned up and apologized for calling him Esther Williams – the ultimate low blow in 1962
  • The gamble paid out as Corn Pop and his street toughs put their razors away and officially granted him protected white boy status for the rest of the summer, presumably because they respected his tough but fair policy towards pool rules

Here’s the best part though – Corn Pop was real!!

Say what you want about Joe Biden, but he’s a million times more honest than Charlie Baker or Elizabeth Warren.

The funny part about this is that it’s almost the exact same story from my lifeguarding days in Worcester, just without the chains. I used to lifeguard at Beaver Brook in Worcester, which had some rough characters who spent seven hours a day annoying us at the three foot pool, but ultimately were harmless. However, when other pools had shortages they’d move you around, and one day I got the call for Great Brook Valley. This was the only pool that didn’t allow female lifeguards because it was too dangerous. I got there and the guards were all sitting together instead of spreading out, which they told me was done because they’d get thrown in if they sat together.

Then Angel showed up. He was Worcester’s 2003, 14 year old version of Corn Pop. And Angel saw fresh meat when my blonde haired, blue eyed self showed up. He immediately named me “cowboy,” convinced me to stand up to see something in the pool, and pushed me in. Unfortunately I’m no Joe Biden, and I was unable to broker a summer friendship out of the incident. But I feel like Sleepy Joe and I are spirit animals now.

Anyway, Joe Biden is the most unintentionally hilarious politician in history. This was not designed to be funny, but it was. Corn Pop. Fucking Corn Pop. You can’t write material like that.

The idea of Sleepy Joe squaring off with Trump in a debate gets me aroused. If he thinks Corn Pop was tough, wait till he sees Trump in action. Unlike Corn Pop the President has no intention of making up and getting along, so Sleepy Joe best bring his chain with him unless he wants to get cut by a rusty razor blade.

 

 

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32 Comment(s)
  • Race4bates
    September 18, 2019 at 12:00 pm

    So Joe will be labeled a racist and that will end his hopes.
    It’s gotten so bad that any business anywhere that has even the slightest link to racist, homophobic, sexist people at all are having to close because it is the kiss of death. Non racists do not associate with racists.
    No business owner would put themselves in that position. Why would they? To have their life work ruined by someone that wanted to express their hate for people who may be a paying customer? Businesses can get away with a lot. Racism is something they can’t get away with. It’s fatal to business.
    Joe’s business as a politician may survive, not that he cares. But if you’re trying to sell t-shirts or skateboards, or burgers. It’s game over.

  • Mitch Buchannon
    September 17, 2019 at 9:48 pm

    I used to lifeguard at the MDC run pool in Hyde Park back in the late 90’s in the summer, what a fucking nightmare.

  • Democratic Political Consultant for Hire
    September 17, 2019 at 12:51 pm

    All the Democrats need to do to beat Orange Man was nominate a sane person. Instead, they’re going with Tall Tales Joe, Liawatha, or Angry Unfunny and Older Larry David.

    Mission Unaccomplished.

    • Y
      September 18, 2019 at 9:26 am

      How would a sane Democrat (oxymoron?) compete against the best economy in decades, record low unemployment levels for minorities/women, etc.?

  • Finn
    September 17, 2019 at 12:29 pm

    Good job Turt. F*** fake news!!!!

    • Finn
      September 17, 2019 at 2:38 pm

      Fake Finn,

      Tell Josh I said hello. I just watched the video of you guys bothering BPD and harassing mentally ill homeless people.

      Get Fucked,
      Finn

      • Dick Scratcher
        September 17, 2019 at 4:02 pm

        Finn, old chum.

        No idea who these cuntish imposter/s are, but if I’m ever in the New England region I’ll drop you a line and you and o shall track them down and give them a swift kick in the cunt.

        Regards as always,

        DS

        PS Off to The 4 Eagles for a few pints now so may be less coherent later.

        • Inquiring minds
          September 18, 2019 at 8:37 am

          What do you stand to gain from having conversations with yourself? Are you mentally ill?

  • Abe Simpson
    September 17, 2019 at 10:57 am

    “I first took a fancy to Mrs. Bouvier because her raspy voice reminded me of my old Victrola. Oh, it was a fine machine with a vulcanized rubber listening tube which you crammed in your ear. The tube would go in easier with some sort of lubricant like linseed oil or doctor…”

  • Dick Scratcher
    September 17, 2019 at 10:43 am

    I just kept expecting him to tell out “MATLOCK!!”

    Tremendous video!

    • Finn
      September 17, 2019 at 10:51 am

      I love it when you get excited

  • Plum Island
    September 17, 2019 at 10:20 am

    Joe was a g.

  • Low Information Voter
    September 17, 2019 at 10:16 am

    So tough, so brave.

  • conspiracy theorist
    September 17, 2019 at 10:13 am

    He (Joe Biden) called him (corn pop) Esther because at that time Esther Williams was a famous movie actress who did synchronized swimming in movies..although I don’t much like wikipedia, take a look at this, notice the “A guy named Joe” reference here….”Esther Jane Williams (August 8, 1921 – June 6, 2013) was an American competitive swimmer and actress. Williams set multiple national and regional swimming records in her late teens as part of the Los Angeles Athletic Club swim team. Unable to compete in the 1940 Summer Olympics because of the outbreak of World War II, she joined Billy Rose’s Aquacade, where she took on the role vacated by Eleanor Holm after the show’s move from New York City to San Francisco. While in the city, she spent five months swimming alongside Olympic gold medal winner and Tarzan star, Johnny Weissmuller.[1] Williams caught the attention of Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer scouts at the Aquacade. After appearing in several small roles, alongside Mickey Rooney in an Andy Hardy film, and future five-time co-star Van Johnson in A Guy Named Joe, Williams made a series of films in the 1940s and early 1950s known as “aquamusicals,” which featured elaborate performances with synchronised swimming and diving.

    • conspiracy theorist
      September 17, 2019 at 10:23 am

      Sorry, Just realized you did reference Esther Williams..My bad

  • Maze pop
    September 17, 2019 at 9:45 am

    Most people don’t know it, but old Corn Pop used to sell Budweisers out of a van for $1 a piece at the corner of Chandler and Main Streets in the 80s, even on Sunday. He never asked for an i d.

  • VINNY
    September 17, 2019 at 9:42 am

    Great tale to tell the grandchildren. As long as you remind them if a white lifeguard acted that way today he would be fired and charged with a hate crime and Corn Pop would sue Joe for calling him Esther and the LBGT would shut the pool down to protest Joe’s hateful comments.

  • M
    September 17, 2019 at 9:37 am

    Up until now Joe has mostly gotten a free pass from the wimps he’s gone up against on the televised debate stage. Let’s see how he does when Trump throws everything but the kitchen sink at him in front of 60 million viewers. He won’t be able to smile through it all with that capped tooth s*it eating grin of his.

    • Luke Fondleberg
      September 17, 2019 at 12:35 pm

      And that assumes, of course, that his teeth don’t fall out again during.

  • Massholio
    September 17, 2019 at 8:33 am

    I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe for a couple minutes.

  • Firetrap
    September 17, 2019 at 8:25 am

    This is a funny story.

  • Cringeworthy
    September 17, 2019 at 8:21 am

    I can’t watch it, so embarrassing.

    Joe doesn’t even seem to think telling grown men to wear bathing caps is an issue on its own.

  • Skin flute Suzy
    September 17, 2019 at 8:13 am

    One time when I was in band camp Brett Kavanaugh put his flute up my butt, and I kinda liked it haha

  • Springfeel
    September 17, 2019 at 7:46 am

    I want to smell his hair. Mmmmmmm.

  • Corn Pop
    September 17, 2019 at 7:45 am

    Bullshit. He cried like a little bitch, that’s why I let him go.

  • Corn Pop Is Dead
    September 17, 2019 at 7:30 am

    Deadmen tell no tails.

    • Correct me if I'm a moron
      September 17, 2019 at 7:02 pm

      tales

      • Corn Popped Yo Momma
        September 17, 2019 at 7:41 pm

        Bitch I done got tail from your mom and sister

  • Shave His Belly With A Rusty Razor
    September 17, 2019 at 7:28 am

    What do you do with a drunken Biden? What do you do with a drunken Biden? What do you do with a drunken Biden early in the morning.

  • Joe Paid Corn Pop Protection Money Sll Summer
    September 17, 2019 at 7:25 am

    Didnt Joe mumble something about puttin yall back in chains a few years sgo. It appears as though Joe’s true intentions about chains have finally surfaced.

  • Shelbyville
    September 17, 2019 at 4:47 am

    Abe Simpson nailed it TB.

  • Joseph "Peanut-Head" Bukaki the 3rd
    September 17, 2019 at 3:56 am

    I was face to face with Orange-Peel and he was one bad mutha he pulled a hickory golf club and said “boy I’m a gonna thrash you”. You know the old wooden golf clubs how you would dip them in raw sewage to shine the wood then put them in your neighbors mailbox to age before you shined em up on your coal-mining trousers by the bowling alley.

    Orange-Peel had his friend potato-head with him, potato head was as tough as nails and they were both ready to rumble. I grabbed my lunch bucket and fashioned a shiv and said “Orange-Peel, Potato-Head I’m sorry for what I said but I’m not sorry for what I said when I threw you off the colored golf course”

    Orange-Peel laughed and said “was that so hard man all I wanted was little love from Joe Peanut-Head”. We all laughed and fist bumped, I only worked at the colored’s golf course because I believe poor people are as smart as White people and another thing…. Joe Peanut-head never backs down from a fight just ask Orange-Peel……

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