A 2017 clip of Joe Biden speaking to a bunch of black kids at a pool in Wilmington was unearthed over the weekend, and it’s honestly the funniest video I’ve ever seen. Watched it last night several times and then more times today. Every time I watch it it gets funnier. Basically it’s Biden going full Abe Simpson, telling these kids a story they clearly have little interest in because they just wanna do belly flops, making references to pop culture icons from 1962 that kids have no fucking clue who they are, and telling them about this one time he crossed Corn Pop – the most gangsta dude in Delaware, and lived to tell the story. If you haven’t heard it yet, just watch these two glorious minutes with me while I react to Joe’s amazing story.
I don’t even care if this is real, it’s still the greatest story of all time. Just to review:
- Joe Biden was the lone white lifeguard at a black pool because he got a job where he wanted to “learn” about the African American community
- Legendary Wilmington gangsta Corn Pop, a “bad dude who ran a bunch of bad boys,” showed up and clearly had no intention of follow pool safety rules
- One of the rules was that people who wore pomade in there had to wear bathing caps, but since Corn Pop ran out of fucks to give in 1958 he chose not to
- Joe told Corn Pop to get off the diving board or he’d drag him off, presumably because Joe didn’t know how dangerous Corn Pop was at the time, but also called him the most offensive thing you could call a black man in Delaware in 1962 – “Esther.” And of course the kids watching that were supposed to understand the reference to legendary swimmer and actress Esther Williams
- Since everyone knew that Corn Pop don’t play Corn Pop told Sleepy Joe to meet him outside, but Corn Pop brought three friends with him
- Joe rambled on about Bill Wright, the only other white guy at the pool, who appears to be a mechanic or the guy who checks the chlorine levels
- Bill Wright took the chain, which of course was stretched across the pool, cut off a portion of it, gave it to Joe Biden and told him to hit Corn Pop or choke him with it if Corn Pop fucked with him
- Joe said that Corn Pop’s friends all came equipped with razors to stab him with, and that “back in those days” people like Corn Pop took razors and soaked them in the rain so that they’d be extra rusty before they sliced you
- Joe Biden, being a man of diplomacy but also toughness, told Corn Pop that he wasn’t allowed on the diving board without a swimming cap on, but manned up and apologized for calling him Esther Williams – the ultimate low blow in 1962
- The gamble paid out as Corn Pop and his street toughs put their razors away and officially granted him protected white boy status for the rest of the summer, presumably because they respected his tough but fair policy towards pool rules
Here’s the best part though – Corn Pop was real!!
Say what you want about Joe Biden, but he’s a million times more honest than Charlie Baker or Elizabeth Warren.
— Tim Furlong (@tfurlong) June 26, 2017
— Tim Furlong (@tfurlong) June 26, 2017
The funny part about this is that it’s almost the exact same story from my lifeguarding days in Worcester, just without the chains. I used to lifeguard at Beaver Brook in Worcester, which had some rough characters who spent seven hours a day annoying us at the three foot pool, but ultimately were harmless. However, when other pools had shortages they’d move you around, and one day I got the call for Great Brook Valley. This was the only pool that didn’t allow female lifeguards because it was too dangerous. I got there and the guards were all sitting together instead of spreading out, which they told me was done because they’d get thrown in if they sat together.
Then Angel showed up. He was Worcester’s 2003, 14 year old version of Corn Pop. And Angel saw fresh meat when my blonde haired, blue eyed self showed up. He immediately named me “cowboy,” convinced me to stand up to see something in the pool, and pushed me in. Unfortunately I’m no Joe Biden, and I was unable to broker a summer friendship out of the incident. But I feel like Sleepy Joe and I are spirit animals now.
Anyway, Joe Biden is the most unintentionally hilarious politician in history. This was not designed to be funny, but it was. Corn Pop. Fucking Corn Pop. You can’t write material like that.
The idea of Sleepy Joe squaring off with Trump in a debate gets me aroused. If he thinks Corn Pop was tough, wait till he sees Trump in action. Unlike Corn Pop the President has no intention of making up and getting along, so Sleepy Joe best bring his chain with him unless he wants to get cut by a rusty razor blade.
Now I don't know how it works where you live, but in my hood, you don't actually get a laminated street credential card from the neighborhood thug council but, then again, I've never been on the mean streets of Wilmington.
— michaelharriot (@michaelharriot) September 14, 2019
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