This Day In Turtleboy

Sleeping Burlington Mall Fupaslug With Dunkins Iced Coffee Lodged In Gerber Servers And Whiny Cunt Boyfriend Have Been Lying About Having Kids In Order To Fuel Drug Habit


Last week we published this blog about some fupaslug who panhandles outside the Burlington Mall, and has a tendency to fall asleep while standing up with a Dunkin Donuts iced coffee lodged in her lactation cannons.

Turtle riders started showing up out of the woodwork with their stories of dealing with this skagbag. Like this picture of this clearly “hungry” and “starving” super plus sized fupaslug putting something up her nose inside  Wendy’s for everyone to see:

Others sent us more pictures of the infamous cheddar dumpling doing what she does best – sleeping on the job:

As well as some other action photos:

Within minutes we had a bunch of people messaging us with a name – Amber Porter, AKA Amber Holy on the Facebook machine.

As you can see, the correct answer in this episode of ratchet roulette, was Nashua. Never saw that one coming. She doesn’t have time to work, but she has plenty of time to constantly update her Facebook profile picture to another slightly different selfie from the last.

And as you can see, she has plenty of money for the essentials. Like hair dye

Excessive amounts of makeup

Multiple cats

And of course copious amounts of Wendy’s and whatever she was putting up her nose inside that Wendy’s.

Anyway, all the good corners in Nashua are apparently taken, so they get in their car (yes, they own a car) and travel to Burlington every day. I say they because there’s two of them (boyfriend and girlfriend) and they’ve been doing this for YEARS!! This is Alex Emery from Westford with his boo:

Here he is working his corner, holding a sign about needing money for food for his kids:

Except he doesn’t have any kids. They just lie to get idiots to give them money. And yes, if you’ve ever given money to ANY panhandler, you are an idiot. Slap yourself in the face because you’re so fucking stupid.

The picture above set off a woman a couple months back because she either runs or is affiliated with farmer’s market in Tyngsboro, and he is standing on their sign:

Yup, this is outside of the Pheasant Lane Mall in Nashua. So they travel back and forth the Route 3 corridor, going from mall to mall, holding signs about fake kids, in order to fuel their drug habits. And as bad as they are, they wouldn’t do it if people didn’t give them money. I’m sure you feel good about yourself when you give them a dollar. But all you’re really doing is helping them get their next fix.

Alex has been working the corners for years. Here’s some posts he made in 2012, whining about people in nice cars who don’t give him money:

Yea, how could you heartless people NOT give him your hard earned money? This grown man deserves your money because you have more money than he does. Pay for his next batch of heroin or else you’re a heartless dooshnozzle.

Hurricane Fupa apparenty did not like the blog we published either, and sent an all time ratchet rant to our Facebook page:

If you wanna hear what this nonsensical run-on sentence sounds like when a ratchetbeast reads it loud, Uncle Turtle dictated it in all caps voice on the Facebook Live show last night:

Newsflash Amber – no one cares about your sob story. We all got problems. Deal with it. You weren’t featured in our blog because you were a crackhead. You were featured because you were asleep while panhandling, and you had a Dunkin Donuts iced coffee LODGED IN YOUR TITTIES!!! That’s new level ratchet.

Oh yea, and no one believes that you’re clean either. If you haven’t used in over a year then why are you still panhandling?

And did I read that right? You’re doing the “right things with your life now?” Uhhhh, you’re holding a sign while passed out with a Dunkin Donuts iced coffee LODGED IN YOUR TITTIES!!! That hilarious scenario doesn’t play out to people who are doing the right things with their life. If you ever pass out standing up while panhandling with a Dunkin Donuts iced coffee LODGED IN YOUR TITTIES, then your life is all sorts of fucked up still.

And you’re right, you do have a weight problem. That’s what makes this whole situation hilarious. You’re allegedly in need, but you clearly have not missed a meal……ever. But yet somehow you claim to be seeing a doctor about your “problem.” Ya got that? She’s got government subsidized healthcare, and she’s seeing a doctor about a problem that she could easily fix herself by exercising and getting a fucking job.

Oh, and you’re not a “big beautiful woman” either. That’s just something people tell fupaslugs like yourself because they don’t want to hurt their feelings. But we don’t care about your feelings and we’re hear to tell you the truth. We do however look forward to the impending lawsuit from using your picture without your permission.


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34 Comment(s)
  • Bitch look up the word fupa and your pic will be the definition!!
    July 11, 2021 at 3:08 pm

    She really wants to put out there that taking her picture without permission is illegal!

    Newsflash – SO IS PANHANDLING!! not to mention a liability low tide this beached whale may not be able to get back up. She’ll have to be rolled out! Imagine how many calories you have to eat a day to look like that! She’s so fucked up standing there I wouldn’t be surprised if that is all part of her plan… if she falls and gets hit or knicked by a car these two would be ones that would try and sue the city! Not to mention an ER trip claiming her back hurts & needs meds!

    If this has been going on for so long and clearly dgaf getting high out in public why hasn’t she been arrested yet?? Where are the police!

  • Two Patch Crappy Jack
    July 12, 2020 at 5:28 pm

    LMAO! The “Boo” used to stand over by where I worked, right in front of a Subway sign that stated “We are hiring” I used to drive by every day and holler out ” Subways hiring” he would tell our “Fuck you” and I would tell him him to Eat fresh baby” every fucking day. BTW they park in the parking lot on Wall St in Burlington when they work that corner

  • hartf811
    Hate kneegrows
    July 11, 2020 at 7:20 pm

    Kneegrows are a dark stain on the fabric of America.
    Make them slaves again and give them to Elon Musk to build something useful.
    Or maybe he can ship them all to Mars and that can be their new Wintunka!

  • Coontime sports
    July 11, 2020 at 5:12 pm

    If you really want to make a splash with your website I’d change the name to the above. Your’e welcome.

  • Freddy Krueger
    July 11, 2020 at 9:13 am

    This bitch is gonna give me nightmares!

  • Harry Carey
    July 11, 2020 at 9:12 am

    I knew the profanity used up and down my street would not go over the air… So I trained myself to say ‘Holy Cow’ instead.
    …that’s a fucking cow!!!!

  • Spic Tormentor
    July 10, 2020 at 5:36 pm

    I read some of these old nicknames and I giggle like a 12 year old girl. I think I just tinkled myself a little.

    • The Spic Tormentor
      Spic Tormentor
      July 10, 2020 at 8:20 pm

      ^ ignore this imposter. He’s torn that SJW’s are boycotting goya but knows deep down he can never give up that disgusting orange spic seasoning

  • WORK is a 4 letter word
    July 10, 2020 at 4:24 pm

    Every grocery store is hiring.

  • Augustus Gloop
    July 10, 2020 at 3:36 pm

    Mein kind of Fraulein, Snorting Ketchup is so sexy

  • Gus
    July 10, 2020 at 2:36 pm

    I wonder if she ever got her “Thyroid” problem fixed?
    How many fucking whales did you see come out of the concentration camps? NONE, because not eating makes you lose weight. She is almost as fat as my mother.

  • Snarky Pete
    July 10, 2020 at 2:30 pm

    Oxys must be her drug of choice. There’s no way its coke, smack, meth, and DEFINITELY not bath salts.

  • Elegant Elliot Offen
    July 10, 2020 at 1:49 pm

    More Chins than a Chinese phonebook.

  • Dirk
    July 10, 2020 at 1:46 pm

    Nobody in this state goes without a place to sleep, eat, shower, or take a dump if they really need it. Name the last time you heard of anyone found dead of exposure or starvation – of course you can’t. This woman here looks like she swallows a large child for breakfast. People who give a panhandler money are Grade-A morons.

  • Noontime Sports #ItsAlwaysNoontime
    July 10, 2020 at 12:58 pm

    My Friday morning thought for the day: Step outside your comfort zone to not just learn something new, but pursue something you never thought you would do.

    Here’s what I mean: I love sports. I think YOU all know that. But I am also fascinated by business and tech – I want to learn how to grow a business to how an idea becomes a reality.

    So, I am excited to share that I will be starting a brand new podcast through Noontime Sports later this month called the Noontime Business & Tech Podcast.

    My goal is to step outside my comfort zone – athletics and sports – and interview small (and medium) sized businesses to tech companies in the Greater Boston area.

    And I am really excited to pursue this new project.

    Noontime Sports is my small business. I have been growing the brand and website since I launched the site in my dorm room in 2009. And I have certainly learned a lot. But now, I want to learn more about starting a business to customer service to what motivates people to pursue what they love.

    Stay tuned for more updates – and yes, some links – to this new project I will be starting later this month. And I can’t wait to step outside my comfort zone!

    • Great idea
      July 10, 2020 at 3:26 pm

      Just what we needed. Some content in real time. These TB repeats suggest Uncle TB has fallen and can’t get up or has otherwise been abducted. Or maybe he couldn’t stay away from all the fun at Hampton Beach.

  • Noontime Sports #ItsAlwaysNoontime
    July 10, 2020 at 12:54 pm

    Yes, I know it is a few minutes after noontime – I know, go ahead and laugh! – but it is time to share a brand new #DailyNoontime from Noontime Sports with a slew of links on college football (and yes, fall college sports).

    Welcome to Friday – we made it!
    We hope (as always!) that everyone is continuing to do well while staying safe and healthy. Additionally, we hope everyone is excited for the weekend – any fun plans?

    Let’s cap the workweek with a brand new ‘Daily Noontime’ – have a great day, everyone!

    Noontime’s Headlines for Friday, July 10, 2020
    * The debate around if and when a college football season will be occur this fall continues, but a major voice in this world – ESPN’s Paul Finebaum – believes the 2020 season will not be played.What do you think?
    * Sticking with the college football theme, as well as fall sports, we learned yesterday that the Big Ten Conference (B1G) will play a conference only schedule, pending it is safe to play games in a few months.Conference only schedules will allow every member of the conference to be able to pivot (if needed).
    * Kevin Warren, who is the commissioner of the Big Ten Conference, joined the Big Ten Network on Thursday, saying he is not sure there will be a fall sports season. And he might be right.
    * The past 24 hours – maybe more? – has been a whirlwind for college sports. And according to one reporter, college football – and yes, all college fall sports – are in trouble.
    * Cam Newton is officially a member of the New England Patriots. And one local journalist – Chad Finn – initially didn’t want Newton on the Patriots. But now, he is happy with the signing.

    Finally, enjoy a recent video from Noontime Sports correspondent Mia Len on our beloved Boston Celtics arriving in the Florida bubble. Are you anxious for tip-off? 

    Have a great weekend, everyone, and we’ll be back next Monday!

    • Fuck you
      July 10, 2020 at 7:01 pm

      Stop posting in here nobody gives a shit about your dumb website

    • Bo
      July 10, 2020 at 7:42 pm

      Fuck the fixed pro sports,money grab for wealthy,crumbs for the rest

  • Judge dread
    July 10, 2020 at 12:08 pm

    this is great. the best is when they discovered their nest out side the pheasant lane mall in nashua….

  • Whatever happened to....
    July 10, 2020 at 11:38 am

    This reminds me. PUMPKIN SPICE MAFIA!!! Bring back this article uncle.

  • Slimfast
    July 10, 2020 at 10:44 am

    How does one get so fat when they are broke?

    • Spic Tormentor
      July 10, 2020 at 2:25 pm

      You can buy 10 nuggets for $1 at burger king. I can see that walking tub of shit taking down 50-60 at a time easily. Probably demands extra ranch too

      • Judge dread
        July 10, 2020 at 2:41 pm

        the landmonster keeps the basket of nuggets in between her boobs and just feasts, two hands at a time. doesn’t even both with sauce.

        • The Spic Tormentor
          Spic Tormentor
          July 10, 2020 at 5:18 pm

          Imagine what she stores in that clam of hers. Probably treats it like a slow cooker and jams a couple frozen dollar store burritos up there and a couple hours later she has a hot snack ready.

    • Truth
      July 10, 2020 at 2:32 pm

      She’s too stupid to realize beta males will pay her large sums of money to watch her eat on webcam.

  • P C
    July 10, 2020 at 10:39 am

    I live in Burlington – makes total sense now. I recognize these nitwits. And of course, they come from further up route 3. Not a judgment on anyone who lives north of B-town up that way, but it’s bad enough we get insane drivers from NH ripping through our residential neighborhoods to use the Rt 62 exit to cut through town, it’s apparently also a convenient way for panhandlers to get in their cars and set up shop on the median on a busy road.

    And there are usually cops right in that same area on the median and don’t do anything about it. Guess looking for someone running a red light is easier work.

    • Whale Lives Matter
      July 10, 2020 at 11:11 am

      They were told not to do anything about it .

      • P C
        July 10, 2020 at 12:05 pm

        Fuck ’em – get them the hell outta there!

        • Captain Trips
          Captain Trips
          July 10, 2020 at 1:07 pm

          An accurately thrown M67 grenade will probably deter any further panhandling by the target of the grenade.

          Just a thought…..

          • Batter Up!!!
            July 10, 2020 at 2:37 pm

            People used to hang out the window of cars and smash wooden mailboxes with an aluminum baseball bat. The wooden mailboxes are gone. Time to focus on battering panhandlers.

  • More reruns
    July 10, 2020 at 10:31 am

    So this post is from what, eight years ago? Where is TB, vacationing on Methadone Mile? Sightseeing in the ‘hood in Lawrence?

  • The Spic Tormentor
    Spic Tormentor
    July 10, 2020 at 9:47 am

    That waste of life must have been so jacked up when he found that sick limp bizkit shirt in the donation bin

  • R Lee Ermey
    July 10, 2020 at 9:47 am

    most of the corners in Nashua are taken by the black guys forcefully panhandling for money for some church in Florida.

    thank you liberal cunts that now run Nashua for not passing a no panhandling ordinance…you’ve managed to let the city get shittier and shittier the longer you stay in power.

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